Classicfiction Posted June 19, 2022 Posted June 19, 2022 Hey guys, I'm currently battling myself on something as usual. It kind of links in to the whole compersion thing again. Really what the crux of the issue is that I've found is that I'm inherently bisexual. This is something that I've repressed for a very long time and which has caused me a terrible amount of grief unfortunately. I want to be one way or the other but if I'm totally honest with myself I am both... and it sucks for me right now. I get depressed about it a lot. It has actually made me hate myself at times. But... I honestly don't know if I can be happy with just one man because of this. And it's more than just could I have a relationship with a man and a woman at the same time.... It's a drive to be with both in the same room, at least ocassionally. But then I get to thinking about the jealousy factor that would come into play and end up driving myself crazy. So my question for yall is.. has anyone had any experience as a bisexual person in a longterm relationship in which you did have partners of both genders... and did you run into jealousy issues or were/are you able to make it work? If you've been able to make it work, how do you manage? 1
smackie9 Posted June 19, 2022 Posted June 19, 2022 You can choose the date both casually...there is no need to commit to a relationship if you don't desire to do so. Fill your dance card. 1
Author Classicfiction Posted June 19, 2022 Author Posted June 19, 2022 44 minutes ago, smackie9 said: You can choose the date both casually...there is no need to commit to a relationship if you don't desire to do so. Fill your dance card. I feel like I want a longterm relationship with a man with the ability to also have relationships with women. I'm not really wanting to date a bunch of people casually, but more find someone who is compatible with this.
Ami1uwant Posted June 19, 2022 Posted June 19, 2022 2 hours ago, Classicfiction said: Hey guys, I'm currently battling myself on something as usual. It kind of links in to the whole compersion thing again. Really what the crux of the issue is that I've found is that I'm inherently bisexual. This is something that I've repressed for a very long time and which has caused me a terrible amount of grief unfortunately. I want to be one way or the other but if I'm totally honest with myself I am both... and it sucks for me right now. I get depressed about it a lot. It has actually made me hate myself at times. But... I honestly don't know if I can be happy with just one man because of this. And it's more than just could I have a relationship with a man and a woman at the same time.... It's a drive to be with both in the same room, at least ocassionally. But then I get to thinking about the jealousy factor that would come into play and end up driving myself crazy. So my question for yall is.. has anyone had any experience as a bisexual person in a longterm relationship in which you did have partners of both genders... and did you run into jealousy issues or were/are you able to make it work? If you've been able to make it work, how do you manage? there is a fundamental of being bisexual and being monogamous is an established relationship. im unsure if you want to have two relationships going on at o e time? If so what about them? Arduous fine if they relationship with others too?
Ami1uwant Posted June 19, 2022 Posted June 19, 2022 1 hour ago, Classicfiction said: I feel like I want a longterm relationship with a man with the ability to also have relationships with women. I'm not really wanting to date a bunch of people casually, but more find someone who is compatible with this. What about him having action on the side are you fine with that? this now goes into the area of swingers in some way.
Author Classicfiction Posted June 19, 2022 Author Posted June 19, 2022 13 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said: there is a fundamental of being bisexual and being monogamous is an established relationship. im unsure if you want to have two relationships going on at o e time? If so what about them? Arduous fine if they relationship with others too? I think that's the issue. I am unsure if the guy having side action would send me into a tailspin or not. Maybe it would, maybe if I was getting enough love overall it wouldn't... I have no idea. But It's very hard for me to feel sexually fulfilled by a man alone. I have tried.. sometimes I feel that maybe I'm just being selfish for wanting what I want. But it gets to be overwhelming and then I become a giant a$$h@le from being pent up. Also I tend to fall short in the feminity department. I don't know that a traditional guy is ever going to be satisfied with me either. When I'm by myself I kinda act like a guy. It may actually be that my gender isn't 100% female. When I try to act feminine I end up feeling jealous of other women because I'm not like them. So I don't really know what to do.
glows Posted June 19, 2022 Posted June 19, 2022 Are you attracted to men at all? For example if you date a woman exclusively would you derive more enjoyment in many more areas than while dating a man?
Author Classicfiction Posted June 19, 2022 Author Posted June 19, 2022 13 minutes ago, glows said: Are you attracted to men at all? For example if you date a woman exclusively would you derive more enjoyment in many more areas than while dating a man? I am absolutely attracted to men. I'm definitely attracted to both. 1
basil67 Posted June 19, 2022 Posted June 19, 2022 37 minutes ago, Classicfiction said: I think that's the issue. I am unsure if the guy having side action would send me into a tailspin or not. Maybe it would, maybe if I was getting enough love overall it wouldn't... I have no idea. Polyamory would be the answer to what you need, but you first have to work out if you're prepared to give the freedom which you would like given to you. 3
Author Classicfiction Posted June 19, 2022 Author Posted June 19, 2022 10 minutes ago, basil67 said: Polyamory would be the answer to what you need, but you first have to work out if you're prepared to give the freedom which you would like given to you. I hear you. I think that's why when I first heard of compersion, it really got me thinking about things. That does scare me though because I also do want stability. Do you have any experience witht that?
Weezy1973 Posted June 19, 2022 Posted June 19, 2022 Maybe something like a “sister wives” situation? One man married to multiple women including you?
Author Classicfiction Posted June 19, 2022 Author Posted June 19, 2022 4 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said: Maybe something like a “sister wives” situation? One man married to multiple women including you? Hahaha! No.. I want to have a main partner. But have no idea if that works in the real world or not. I really want to hear from someone who has been in an open marriage. Does it work? Would a guy actually appreciate that kind of freedom or does it only lead to falling in love with other people?
stillafool Posted June 20, 2022 Posted June 20, 2022 You could probably find a guy who wouldn't mind having you and another woman in bed; but hard pressed to find one who will let you have a gf on the side. Unless of course you do let him see other women as in an open marriage.
Weezy1973 Posted June 20, 2022 Posted June 20, 2022 4 minutes ago, Classicfiction said: Does it work? I think it can work for people with the right personalities. They have to be extremely secure and not prone to jealousy. 5 minutes ago, Classicfiction said: Would a guy actually appreciate that kind of freedom or does it only lead to falling in love with other people? I think as the term implies, both partners could indeed fall in love with others. Genuinely loving multiple partners is the crux of it. Would that be okay with you?
Author Classicfiction Posted June 20, 2022 Author Posted June 20, 2022 5 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said: I think it can work for people with the right personalities. They have to be extremely secure and not prone to jealousy. I think as the term implies, both partners could indeed fall in love with others. Genuinely loving multiple partners is the crux of it. Would that be okay with you? I don't know! I really don't. And the thing is, that I am prone to jealousy but if the actual opposite of that is compersion, then that's what I want. I truly dislike the feeling of jealousy. And I have a feeling that at least some of my jealousy toward other women is actual repressed attraction to them. Like I said, hot mess
Ami1uwant Posted June 20, 2022 Posted June 20, 2022 1 hour ago, Classicfiction said: Hahaha! No.. I want to have a main partner. But have no idea if that works in the real world or not. I really want to hear from someone who has been in an open marriage. Does it work? Would a guy actually appreciate that kind of freedom or does it only lead to falling in love with other people? In theory you could find another bisexual woman who likes you and the same man. This is the hard part. i know someone who has bern involved in something. She is friends with a married couple and she liked the guy and tried with the woman but she didn’t have it for women. She is not anti homosexuality. She has numerous friends who are gay/ bi/ trans and are same sex married couples.
Happy Lemming Posted June 20, 2022 Posted June 20, 2022 38 minutes ago, Classicfiction said: And the thing is, that I am prone to jealousy but if the actual opposite of that is compersion, then that's what I want. So you want to will yourself to not feel jealousy, but to feel compersion. I looked up compersion and it seems that (with compersion) the individual feels happiness when their partner is sexually active with someone else, not jealousy or anger. How do you propose to force or will yourself to feel that happiness when you are feeling jealousy and anger?? You asked about open marriage, but that means both husband and wife have sex with others and both are OK with it. And yet you say you would be jealous. Are you looking for a guy that will marry you, have sex with only you and allow you to go have sex with other women, when the urge surfaces??
Ami1uwant Posted June 20, 2022 Posted June 20, 2022 1 hour ago, Classicfiction said: Hahaha! No.. I want to have a main partner. But have no idea if that works in the real world or not. I really want to hear from someone who has been in an open marriage. Does it work? Would a guy actually appreciate that kind of freedom or does it only lead to falling in love with other people? That freedom goes both ways meaning he is free to sleep with others and you might not like that
Ami1uwant Posted June 20, 2022 Posted June 20, 2022 2 hours ago, Classicfiction said: I think that's the issue. I am unsure if the guy having side action would send me into a tailspin or not. Maybe it would, maybe if I was getting enough love overall it wouldn't... I have no idea. But It's very hard for me to feel sexually fulfilled by a man alone. I have tried.. sometimes I feel that maybe I'm just being selfish for wanting what I want. But it gets to be overwhelming and then I become a giant a$$h@le from being pent up. Also I tend to fall short in the feminity department. I don't know that a traditional guy is ever going to be satisfied with me either. When I'm by myself I kinda act like a guy. It may actually be that my gender isn't 100% female. When I try to act feminine I end up feeling jealous of other women because I'm not like them. So I don't really know what to do. how do you fall short in femininity? how do you not feel sexually fulfilled by a man? Maybe you aren’t getting the right men who makes an effort to satisfy you.
Alpacalia Posted June 20, 2022 Posted June 20, 2022 (edited) 5 hours ago, Classicfiction said: I really want to hear from someone who has been in an open marriage. Does it work? Would a guy actually appreciate that kind of freedom or does it only lead to falling in love with other people? So I know of someone that proposed an open marriage to her husband. His response? Hell no. Edited June 20, 2022 by Alpacalia
ExpatInItaly Posted June 20, 2022 Posted June 20, 2022 I think you would be wise to seek out advice from polyamoroous communities. I personally don't know anyone who is currently living in the sort of arrangement you describe, OP. I know couples who are open, but it is limited to sexual activities. They don't have other relationship partners. I am imagine the type of relationship you desire exists, but I can't say that it's particularly common, so you might be hard-pressed to find others who feel the way you do.
Will am I Posted June 20, 2022 Posted June 20, 2022 It occurs to me that bisexual is not a binary property but more of a spectrum. There are people who are mostly heterosexual but in the right circumstances and the right mood find themselves having feelings for the same sex (I've seen that with women somewhat frequently). There are people who seem to be around 50/50 (or should I say 100/100). And there are people who generally identify as homosexual but can sometimes find themselves attracted towards the other sex. What type of relationship is more fit, probably depends largely on where on the spectrum you are. For a while (when our first child was very young) my wife reluctantly admitted to having feelings for women. I decided I would allow her to pursue those feelings if she felt that's what she needed to do. I made that choice because the thought of her being intimate with another woman didn't bother me as much. Also because I realized that if I were to be firm and keep her trapped in the marriage I would only increase the risk of losing her altogether. She never did act on her feelings and it seemed they have slowly gone away. Maybe it was related to hormones or to my wife being uncomfortable as a new mom. I'll never know. I'm sharing this to illustrate that it may be possible for you to be in a close relationship with a man and explore your feelings for women too. Just be open about these matters when you start the relationships. 1
introverted1 Posted June 20, 2022 Posted June 20, 2022 15 hours ago, Classicfiction said: But... I honestly don't know if I can be happy with just one man because of this. And it's more than just could I have a relationship with a man and a woman at the same time.... It's a drive to be with both in the same room, at least ocassionally. This sounds more like polyamory or maybe ENM than bisexuality. Who you're attracted to (men, women, both) is separate from the issues of monogamy or lifestyle. Plenty of bisexual people are monogamous and it is not helpful to that community to suggest otherwise.
Author Classicfiction Posted June 20, 2022 Author Posted June 20, 2022 7 hours ago, Will am I said: It occurs to me that bisexual is not a binary property but more of a spectrum. There are people who are mostly heterosexual but in the right circumstances and the right mood find themselves having feelings for the same sex (I've seen that with women somewhat frequently). There are people who seem to be around 50/50 (or should I say 100/100). And there are people who generally identify as homosexual but can sometimes find themselves attracted towards the other sex. What type of relationship is more fit, probably depends largely on where on the spectrum you are. For a while (when our first child was very young) my wife reluctantly admitted to having feelings for women. I decided I would allow her to pursue those feelings if she felt that's what she needed to do. I made that choice because the thought of her being intimate with another woman didn't bother me as much. Also because I realized that if I were to be firm and keep her trapped in the marriage I would only increase the risk of losing her altogether. She never did act on her feelings and it seemed they have slowly gone away. Maybe it was related to hormones or to my wife being uncomfortable as a new mom. I'll never know. I'm sharing this to illustrate that it may be possible for you to be in a close relationship with a man and explore your feelings for women too. Just be open about these matters when you start the relationships. As far as I can tell, I'm more romantically inclined toward men. But sexually I am very attracted to women as well. I've never tried to have a romantic relationship with a woman before, so I'm not 100% sure. What you said about not feeling as threatened by her being with other women... that does give me some hope. I guess because the attraction to women feels mostly sexual rather than emotional, the idea of the man being allowed to fall in love with others doesn't really make sense to me. My desire to include another woman with my significant other is sexual and doesn't really include a huge amount of emotional connection with the other woman in my mind. I want a man who would be grateful enough for the scenario that he would not want to run off with the other woman. However, if an emotional connection was to form between myself and a woman and my male partner was to develop feelings as well, then as long as we were all receiving enough love, that wouldn't be too terrible. It's just a matter of would it actually play out that way.
ExpatInItaly Posted June 20, 2022 Posted June 20, 2022 5 minutes ago, Classicfiction said: My desire to include another woman with my significant other is sexual and doesn't really include a huge amount of emotional connection with the other woman in my mind. I want a man who would be grateful enough for the scenario that he would not want to run off with the other woman. Would you be grateful if your male partner wanted to include another man in your sex life? I think you have to consider the other side of the coin, if you expect this of a partner.
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