Should I quit online dating and rely on other methods to meet women?

[Philosopher]

I have been doing online dating for several years now. A few years ago I found that it worked well, in that I would get a date typically once a month. Most of those dates did not go anywhere, however there were a few that were quite successful. I was typically using OkCupid and Match.com then. Since the start of 2018 my experiences of online dating have got progressively worse, in that I was gradually getting fewer dates, the dates I went on were not going as well and flaking was coming more common. In most 2020 and the first few months of 2021 I was not doing online dating due to the pandemic.

In the middle of 2021 I joined Match.com for six months. At that time I went on 4 dates that did not lead to anything. One thing I did notice is that women at the time were more reluctant to meet up than before the pandemic. This April I decided to join Hinge as I heard good things about it. Let’s say Hinge has been a bit disaster. I have been on no dates at all in the two months I have been on it.  Almost all of my messages get ignored. I did have a phone call that was a bit a choppy, in that she was very hesitant to meet and eventually I ended the phone call without arranging a date. I was also due to go on a date yesterday that was arranged over the phone last weekend, however that women flaked with less than four hours notice, saying she was dating someone (why did she agree the date in the first place!). 

Since 2017, I have been attending meetup groups quite frequently. My motivation for this has been to make friends, potentially meet a partner and to have something to do. I have been a few dates from Meetup groups. Generally I find the dates from meetups are far more successful than those from online dating. However I find it rare on a meetup group to meet someone I would like to date. Therefore if I were to rely on meetups I am going to have to go on a lot of them. 

Therefore the question is, should I quit online dating entirely and just rely on other methods, such as attending meetup groups to meet women? Or should I try and work out what I am doing wrong with online dating so it works better?

Edited June 19, 2022 by Philosopher

[Weezy1973]

2 hours ago, Philosopher said:

Therefore the question is, should I quit online dating entirely and just rely on other methods, such as attending meetup groups to meet women? Or should I try and work out what I am doing wrong with online dating so it works better?

First, it doesn’t sound like you’re doing anything wrong with online dating. You’re getting dates. Why would you quit online dating? If anything, I’d get on more sites. Why not Hinge, OKCupid and Match? And yes, keep going to meetups as well. 

[smackie9]

Keeping active socially/having a strong social life gives you way more opportunities to meeting someone but you should still continue to use OLD as part of your search. Open your home to coworkers/friends/family by having small gathering like a BBQ, or dinner, board game night, etc. What is really trending is wine and charcuterie. Take up a sport like tennis, hiking, kayaking, dancing classes, join a club, take up a new hobby.  Maybe freshen up your appearance with a new wardrobe, hair style change....if you feel like you are in a slump, do something new for yourself.

[Philosopher]

2 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

First, it doesn’t sound like you’re doing anything wrong with online dating. You’re getting dates. Why would you quit online dating? If anything, I’d get on more sites. Why not Hinge, OKCupid and Match? And yes, keep going to meetups as well. 

If I were to stick to online dating, I would probably use Bumble. OkCupid used to be good but seems to have gone downhill over the past few years. Match.com I get the impression is not used much anymore. The problem I think I have with online dating these days is that I have never really got the hang of the swipe left / right apps that have become the norm in the past few years. I think I was pretty good at writing profiles so when online dating was more focused on written profiles I was not too bad it. However I am not that photogenic which means I struggle more with the more visual swipe based apps. 

 

1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

Keeping active socially/having a strong social life gives you way more opportunities to meeting someone but you should still continue to use OLD as part of your search. Open your home to coworkers/friends/family by having small gathering like a BBQ, or dinner, board game night, etc. What is really trending is wine and charcuterie. Take up a sport like tennis, hiking, kayaking, dancing classes, join a club, take up a new hobby.  Maybe freshen up your appearance with a new wardrobe, hair style change....if you feel like you are in a slump, do something new for yourself.

I agree this would help. This is the main reason I go on meetups, I tend to go on hiking meetups every month and other meetups such as visiting museums, coffee / pub meetups, etc a couple of times a month too.

[Weezy1973]

25 minutes ago, Philosopher said:

 The problem I think I have with online dating these days is that I have never really got the hang of the swipe left / right apps that have become the norm in the past few years.

 

I agree this would help. This is the main reason I go on meetups, I tend to go on hiking meetups every month and other meetups such as visiting museums, coffee / pub meetups, etc a couple of times a month too.

You’re overthinking this. All you’re trying to do with online dating is get dates. The more apps you’re on, the more opportunities you have. Whether it’s swiping, written profiles or a “guided interaction” site like eHarmony, all give you an opportunity. And most people you meet won’t be a match long term as you’ve already seen. But you need to get the numbers in. 
 

And all that being said, continue to do as much socializing as you can in real life too. There’s no reason to cut off anything that gives you opportunities to meet people. 

[Happy Lemming]

Personally, I not a fan of on-line dating.  I did try it for a brief period of time (many, many years ago) and it was a disaster.  I went back to meeting people in real life.  I met my current girlfriend (of 10 years) in an apartment complex pool.  I can say the vast majority of women I dated over my 30+ years of dating, I met at bars/pubs.  Some other places I have met women were:

(1) College

(2) Co-ed Sports

(3) Friend’s Party

(4) Long Bank Line

(5) Used Computer Parts Show

(6) Food Festival / Pub Crawl

(7) Through mutual friends

(8) Worked in same office building – different company

(9) Used book store

(10) Ice Skating

(11) Art Gallery (private exhibit opening)

If you are looking for opinions on the matter, stop with the on-line dating and go meet women in real life situations.  I really think you will be happier and less frustrated.

[MartinSID]

No definitely don't give up on online dating just yet. Your methods can definitely be improved to get better results. The three dating apps that work the best are tinder, bumble and hinge. You will need to make sure your photos are of good quality and that you live a fun and fruitful lifestyle, and that your bio is light hearted and/or quirky. If you get this right then you should be getting way more dates and options than one a month. You should be getting at least one a week. There are certain ways that dating apps use to rate you and get your profile seen by more women, and this is determined by your behaviour on the app (direct message me if you want to know how this works).

[Wiseman2]

On 6/19/2022 at 10:12 AM, Philosopher said:

However I am not that photogenic which means I struggle more with the more visual swipe based apps. I agree this would help. This is the main reason I go on meetups, I tend to go on hiking meetups every month and other meetups such as visiting museums, coffee / pub meetups, etc a couple of times a month too.

You're doing a lot of things right, such as joining groups, etc. Also dating apps that are more "serious" may be your forte, where a few flattering pics (get new ones taken outdoors by a friend, no selfies) and a well written profile are assets.

Take some classes/courses. Whatever. Language. Cooking. Dancing. Yoga. When you regularly interact with women it's  better than trying to pick them up randomly in stores, etc. Volunteer. Look around what interests you. Animal shelter, environmental groups and so on. 

Keep both in your dating portfolio. Quality apps and in-person situations.

[Ami1uwant]

On 6/19/2022 at 5:00 AM, Philosopher said:

I have been doing online dating for several years now. A few years ago I found that it worked well, in that I would get a date typically once a month. Most of those dates did not go anywhere, however there were a few that were quite successful. I was typically using OkCupid and Match.com then. Since the start of 2018 my experiences of online dating have got progressively worse, in that I was gradually getting fewer dates, the dates I went on were not going as well and flaking was coming more common. In most 2020 and the first few months of 2021 I was not doing online dating due to the pandemic.

In the middle of 2021 I joined Match.com for six months. At that time I went on 4 dates that did not lead to anything. One thing I did notice is that women at the time were more reluctant to meet up than before the pandemic. This April I decided to join Hinge as I heard good things about it. Let’s say Hinge has been a bit disaster. I have been on no dates at all in the two months I have been on it.  Almost all of my messages get ignored. I did have a phone call that was a bit a choppy, in that she was very hesitant to meet and eventually I ended the phone call without arranging a date. I was also due to go on a date yesterday that was arranged over the phone last weekend, however that women flaked with less than four hours notice, saying she was dating someone (why did she agree the date in the first place!). 

Since 2017, I have been attending meetup groups quite frequently. My motivation for this has been to make friends, potentially meet a partner and to have something to do. I have been a few dates from Meetup groups. Generally I find the dates from meetups are far more successful than those from online dating. However I find it rare on a meetup group to meet someone I would like to date. Therefore if I were to rely on meetups I am going to have to go on a lot of them. 

Therefore the question is, should I quit online dating entirely and just rely on other methods, such as attending meetup groups to meet women? Or should I try and work out what I am doing wrong with online dating so it works better?

 

pandemic has killed online dating and dating in general.   Look past that.

 

yousound like you are out socializing which is good.  Do different things. Go to different places and socialize.

 

with online dating. Those looking tend to rotate between sites so a few months they might focus on match, next they might use ok Cupid.  Bumble is womrndriven.  If you might not be great in photos you could have problems.

 

obp er the years online dating has attracted more and more unserious users who are looking firfantasies in dates.  15 years ago you had a lot more seriously looking people using sites.

[CLS63AMG]

Everyone, especially men, need to understand that dating apps are designed to make money, most are so bad now that they don't even show you unless you pay for some silly subscription and even then I am sure they still play games to get you to keep paying.  Before bumble went public it was a honey pot, always lots of matches but now its dead because they simply dont show me anymore.  It literally only lights up when I go to another area, it shows me for a few hours and shuts down again.

If more people knew of this dating app bs they wouldn't be so hard on themselves

[Maldives]

On 6/19/2022 at 7:00 PM, Philosopher said:

I have been doing online dating for several years now. A few years ago I found that it worked well, in that I would get a date typically once a month. Most of those dates did not go anywhere, however there were a few that were quite successful. I was typically using OkCupid and Match.com then. Since the start of 2018 my experiences of online dating have got progressively worse, in that I was gradually getting fewer dates, the dates I went on were not going as well and flaking was coming more common. In most 2020 and the first few months of 2021 I was not doing online dating due to the pandemic.

In the middle of 2021 I joined Match.com for six months. At that time I went on 4 dates that did not lead to anything. One thing I did notice is that women at the time were more reluctant to meet up than before the pandemic. This April I decided to join Hinge as I heard good things about it. Let’s say Hinge has been a bit disaster. I have been on no dates at all in the two months I have been on it.  Almost all of my messages get ignored. I did have a phone call that was a bit a choppy, in that she was very hesitant to meet and eventually I ended the phone call without arranging a date. I was also due to go on a date yesterday that was arranged over the phone last weekend, however that women flaked with less than four hours notice, saying she was dating someone (why did she agree the date in the first place!). 

Since 2017, I have been attending meetup groups quite frequently. My motivation for this has been to make friends, potentially meet a partner and to have something to do. I have been a few dates from Meetup groups. Generally I find the dates from meetups are far more successful than those from online dating. However I find it rare on a meetup group to meet someone I would like to date. Therefore if I were to rely on meetups I am going to have to go on a lot of them. 

Therefore the question is, should I quit online dating entirely and just rely on other methods, such as attending meetup groups to meet women? Or should I try and work out what I am doing wrong with online dating so it works better?

I didn't even need to read your post, the answer is a resounding yes quit it. It's a huge frustrating pointless waste of your time money and effort. When you see physically someone in the present in front of you and your attracted to em, go for that person. 

Edited June 25, 2022 by Goodguy05

[QuietRiot]

On 6/19/2022 at 2:00 AM, Philosopher said:

I have been doing online dating for several years now. A few years ago I found that it worked well, in that I would get a date typically once a month. Most of those dates did not go anywhere, however there were a few that were quite successful. I was typically using OkCupid and Match.com then. Since the start of 2018 my experiences of online dating have got progressively worse, in that I was gradually getting fewer dates, the dates I went on were not going as well and flaking was coming more common. In most 2020 and the first few months of 2021 I was not doing online dating due to the pandemic.

In the middle of 2021 I joined Match.com for six months. At that time I went on 4 dates that did not lead to anything. One thing I did notice is that women at the time were more reluctant to meet up than before the pandemic. This April I decided to join Hinge as I heard good things about it. Let’s say Hinge has been a bit disaster. I have been on no dates at all in the two months I have been on it.  Almost all of my messages get ignored. I did have a phone call that was a bit a choppy, in that she was very hesitant to meet and eventually I ended the phone call without arranging a date. I was also due to go on a date yesterday that was arranged over the phone last weekend, however that women flaked with less than four hours notice, saying she was dating someone (why did she agree the date in the first place!). 

Since 2017, I have been attending meetup groups quite frequently. My motivation for this has been to make friends, potentially meet a partner and to have something to do. I have been a few dates from Meetup groups. Generally I find the dates from meetups are far more successful than those from online dating. However I find it rare on a meetup group to meet someone I would like to date. Therefore if I were to rely on meetups I am going to have to go on a lot of them. 

Therefore the question is, should I quit online dating entirely and just rely on other methods, such as attending meetup groups to meet women? Or should I try and work out what I am doing wrong with online dating so it works better?

Interesting about Meetup...I've been a long time attendee of their events, and dated and made good friends there. Nothing beats the real life interaction of people, and they can't "block' or "ignore" you if you engage them at an event in public. lol

But at Meetup, you said you mention that you rarely find someone that you'd like to date...what does this mean?  Not many....attractive people there that you'd like to date?  I had some admit that they just check the RSVP lists (the pictures) and if they aren't any "cute" guys there, they wont' even go. 

But yeah, online dating has gotten progressively worse.  Countless men have said how they get zero responses or get flaked on when a date is established.  

[]

Edited June 25, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Group berating

[Gaeta]

75% of singles are using online dating so why would you want to eliminate this tool completely. Just leave your profile there and who knows maybe someone interesting will write to you. 

[Wiseman2]

On 6/19/2022 at 5:00 AM, Philosopher said:

Should I quit online dating and rely on other methods to meet women?

Do both. Join more groups and clubs. Volunteer. Take some classes and courses. Use different apps. Start with a New profile which gets more attention than one that's been sitting for months/years. Get fresh new pics. Streamline your criteria. 

Edited June 25, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Philosopher]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

75% of singles are using online dating so why would you want to eliminate this tool completely. Just leave your profile there and who knows maybe someone interesting will write to you. 

In the last year I have had one women tell me bluntly after a video call that I was rubbish at conversation and then blocked me,, another potentially promising date flake four hours before the date and another criticising me for not smiling in my photos. When I do smile in photos I end up smiling too much which ends up looking silly, so this goes back my comment earlier that I am not very photogenic, I can’t do a natural smile well in photos. 

I accept some of this going happen with online dating, but too much of this sort of thing gets demoralising and can sour the whole dating thing, hence me questioning online dating. There seems to be something about online dating that results in worse behaviour. Admittedly until last year the above sorts of things were not that common so it could just be that I have been having a bad run.  

57 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do both. Join more groups and clubs. Volunteer. Take some classes and courses. Use different apps. Start with a New profile which gets more attention than one that's been sitting for months/years. Get fresh new pics. Streamline your criteria. 

I have switched from Hinge to Bumble and put up a different profile, so I will see how that goes. I will also definitely try new meetup groups too.

3 hours ago, QuietRiot said:

Interesting about Meetup...I've been a long time attendee of their events, and dated and made good friends there. Nothing beats the real life interaction of people, and they can't "block' or "ignore" you if you engage them at an event in public. lol

But at Meetup, you said you mention that you rarely find someone that you'd like to date...what does this mean?  Not many....attractive people there that you'd like to date?  I had some admit that they just check the RSVP lists (the pictures) and if they aren't any "cute" guys there, they wont' even go. 

But yeah, online dating has gotten progressively worse.  Countless men have said how they get zero responses or get flaked on when a date is established.  

[]

I do find people act nicer at meetups then online. Generally at meetups I find there is no one that I am attracted to. The meetups I tend to go have more males than female, my guess is that two thirds are male. When I do get a date from meetup though, it does tend to go quite well and most of the time I have ended up on at least a second date with them. This is in contrast with online dating where I find as soon the date start you know it is not go to go anywhere. 

[Happy Lemming]

@Philosopher  Have you ever tried "Speed Dating"??  Is is in your area??  Some "Speed Dating" coordinators offer classes/assistance which might help you communicate better and make a good first impression.

Its not on-line dating and its not cold approaching women either, so maybe it might work for you.

[Weezy1973]

4 hours ago, Philosopher said:

When I do get a date from meetup though, it does tend to go quite well and most of the time I have ended up on at least a second date with them. This is in contrast with online dating where I find as soon the date start you know it is not go to go anywhere. 

This is just due to the difference between online dating and dating someone you know in person. You can’t compare the two as they’re two completely different animals. With online dating people are complete strangers, and most dates are going to be 1 and done. With meetups, you already have at least the common interest already, plus you’ve interacted in person so know if there’s at least some chemistry. 
 

People get burnt out or frustrated with online dating mostly due to unrealistic expectations. 

[CLS63AMG]

9 hours ago, QuietRiot said:

Interesting about Meetup...I've been a long time attendee of their events, and dated and made good friends there. Nothing beats the real life interaction of people, and they can't "block' or "ignore" you if you engage them at an event in public. lol

But at Meetup, you said you mention that you rarely find someone that you'd like to date...what does this mean?  Not many....attractive people there that you'd like to date?  I had some admit that they just check the RSVP lists (the pictures) and if they aren't any "cute" guys there, they wont' even go. 

But yeah, online dating has gotten progressively worse.  Countless men have said how they get zero responses or get flaked on when a date is established.  

[]

 The apps are also loaded with dead and fake profiles.  They leave your profile up when you simply delete the app, I am sure it self deletes after 3-6 months but they do it. I think they even go as far as moving profiles around geographically to make it seem like they have more members than they actually do.  People need to know the amount of trickery and games they play in the background, and they get worse each year.

[Ami1uwant]

8 hours ago, Philosopher said:

In the last year I have had one women tell me bluntly after a video call that I was rubbish at conversation and then blocked me,, another potentially promising date flake four hours before the date and another criticising me for not smiling in my photos. When I do smile in photos I end up smiling too much which ends up looking silly, so this goes back my comment earlier that I am not very photogenic, I can’t do a natural smile well in photos. 

I accept some of this going happen with online dating, but too much of this sort of thing gets demoralising and can sour the whole dating thing, hence me questioning online dating. There seems to be something about online dating that results in worse behaviour. Admittedly until last year the above sorts of things were not that common so it could just be that I have been having a bad run.  

I have switched from Hinge to Bumble and put up a different profile, so I will see how that goes. I will also definitely try new meetup groups too.

I do find people act nicer at meetups then online. Generally at meetups I find there is no one that I am attracted to. The meetups I tend to go have more males than female, my guess is that two thirds are male. When I do get a date from meetup though, it does tend to go quite well and most of the time I have ended up on at least a second date with them. This is in contrast with online dating where I find as soon the date start you know it is not go to go anywhere. 

What happened in the conversation that made it rubbish?

 

sure people attitudes online likely is different thrnin person.  Grnerally people online looking fir dates are trying to. In texts peop,e can read the same phrase two very different ways

 

 

[Philosopher]

9 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

What happened in the conversation that made it rubbish?

I can’t remember her exact words, but I think she said that my conversation was not free flowing enough and that . I remember at the time being very surprised at this comment as to me I felt the conversation had gone well. During the video call I did suggest meeting for a drink, but she said she would have liked more phone calls first.

If she had just said something like ‘sorry, I felt there was no chemistry, good luck in finding someone’ I would have not been that bothered by the rejection. It was 

 

[Weezy1973]

5 hours ago, Philosopher said:.

If she had just said something like ‘sorry, I felt there was no chemistry, good luck in finding someone’ I would have not been that bothered by the rejection.

That is essentially what she said, just in different words. And the fact that you let this bother you is the problem. Either someone is going to want to meet in person or not. And after that first date either they’ll want to see you again or not. None of it is personal. And it goes both ways. 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Philosopher said:

During the video call I did suggest meeting for a drink, but she said she would have liked more phone calls first.

Rule out time wasters like this early on. Forget people's bizarre reasons for not meeting. These who won't meet in a timely manner are a red flag.

[Ami1uwant]

9 hours ago, Philosopher said:

I can’t remember her exact words, but I think she said that my conversation was not free flowing enough and that . I remember at the time being very surprised at this comment as to me I felt the conversation had gone well. During the video call I did suggest meeting for a drink, but she said she would have liked more phone calls first.

If she had just said something like ‘sorry, I felt there was no chemistry, good luck in finding someone’ I would have not been that bothered by the rejection. It was 

 

 

from my personal experience in online dating…..

 

if you talk too much befire first in person meet up you have a higher chance of the first meet not going well because conversation does not flow.  These must be activity dates like going toansrt musrum ot peop,e watch…youare doing things that you can talk about because you’ve talk anpbout stuff already.

 

when I meet someone online and we have some talking I will go to a phone call for about45 minutes and see if conversation flows. At the end I’ll ask about setting  ups date/ time to meet.  I don’t talk to her between those points.

if you are talking to someone farther away like 2+ hrs travel, I understand you might talk a little more to see if you area good fit/ match on things because of invested time to travel.

 

ive had numerous match’s want to talk forever before meeting. With these I said no. Not investing that time if we are both local.  Ithink part of the reason is people are looking fir something serious ( which is a good thing) but  to not raise the bar so high as to limit face to face meeting to only those you see marrying. That’s  putting the cart befire the horse.

 

one of my early screeners before ever meeting is if it’s conversational and not interview W/A.   I r had calls and even first meets thst felt like I asked a question, thry responded. I ask another question and they responded but either their response was simple or basic or they didn’t follow it upwith s question back killed the flow.  When this happened it was DOA.

 

on second meets……..

 

my rule of thumb is.  If you had good conversation flow and in talking about things you should have a second date before deciding. Nerves could affect first date behaviors. On second date they could be more themselves.

sure…if they gave responses that conflict with what you want then you don’t need to do a second date. They do not want kids and you do or they are an David hunter and you don’t like Bambi being shot, orthe y talk about their dream in 20 years and it’s the polar opposite of yours sre just some examples.

 

 

 

Edited June 26, 2022 by Ami1uwant

[Philosopher]

4 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

That is essentially what she said, just in different words. And the fact that you let this bother you is the problem. Either someone is going to want to meet in person or not. And after that first date either they’ll want to see you again or not. None of it is personal. And it goes both ways. 

 I did forget to add that she said that I lacked confidence, so yes I think it was a personal criticism. Other people I spoke to said she was unnecessary rude and saying ‘there was no chemistry’ would have sufficed. 

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Rule out time wasters like this early on. Forget people's bizarre reasons for not meeting. These who won't meet in a timely manner are a red flag.

Ideally I would like to exchange a few messages, have a 5 to 10 minute phone call to see that we get on and to arrange a meeting and then meet for coffee, a drink or walk. Since Covid however I have found women are generally more cautious about meeting up, with women insisting on longer phone calls and / or video calls prior to meeting. So to some extent I have felt I have had to go along with this if I am to get dates from online dating. That said a couple of month ago when one women insisted on sticking to getting to know each other over the phone rather than meeting in person, I decided it was best not to continue communicating with her. 

[Ami1uwant]

30 minutes ago, Philosopher said:

 I did forget to add that she said that I lacked confidence, so yes I think it was a personal criticism. Other people I spoke to said she was unnecessary rude and saying ‘there was no chemistry’ would have sufficed. 

Ideally I would like to exchange a few messages, have a 5 to 10 minute phone call to see that we get on and to arrange a meeting and then meet for coffee, a drink or walk. Since Covid however I have found women are generally more cautious about meeting up, with women insisting on longer phone calls and / or video calls prior to meeting. So to some extent I have felt I have had to go along with this if I am to get dates from online dating. That said a couple of month ago when one women insisted on sticking to getting to know each other over the phone rather than meeting in person, I decided it was best not to continue communicating with her. 

Those changes you see are from those not experience with meeting online.  Experience ones will meet in person.

an early question I ask is if they are experienced in meeting people this way.