Glight Posted June 19, 2022 Posted June 19, 2022 Hi, My ex boyfriend of nearly 3 years broke up with me whilst he was on holiday this week, I was obviously incredibly heartbroken and felt like we could have rekindled after however long of working on ourselves. As he said that he just wants to chill, do his own thing and he doesn’t want to deal with anyone else ‘for a very long time’. I find out that within a few hours of him returning back home, (3 days after the breakup) he’s signed up for this app with all his photos on, saying he’s online and that he’s looking for dates and hookups etc. I confronted him and it just ended in a big argument with him getting so angry and incredibly defensive and blocking me on every platform. He could not understand how this looks to me, I said I feel embarrassed and hurt by his actions. I’m so angry, upset and confused, I understand that people deal with breakups differently, that he’s single and can do what he wants and that he most likely fell out of love for a period before ending things with us but still, to jump on an app like that so so soon is so hurtful. Does he not think at all about how this looks? I believe the saddest thing is that I’m now questioning the whole relationship thinking about every happy memory, every plan for the future we made, thinking was it real? I don’t believe I was cheated on but it raises questions when he’s able to do something like this, he definitely had the time to if he wanted whilst we were together. His feelings towards me couldn’t be as true as he was saying, there’s just no way. Any thoughts/feedback on this would be greatly appreciated - thanks.
Wiseman2 Posted June 19, 2022 Posted June 19, 2022 2 hours ago, Glight said: he said that he just wants to chill, do his own thing and he doesn’t want to deal with anyone .he’s signed up for this app with all his photos on, saying he’s online and that he’s looking for dates and hookups etc. Sorry this happened. How old is he? What was the breakup about? How did you come across his dating profile? Unfortunately it seems like you wanted a committed relationship and future, but he just wants to sow wild oats. You dodged a bullet. He clearly is not relationship material.
Author Glight Posted June 19, 2022 Author Posted June 19, 2022 6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Sorry this happened. How old is he? What was the breakup about? How did you come across his dating profile? Unfortunately it seems like you wanted a committed relationship and future, but he just wants to sow wild oats. You dodged a bullet. He clearly is not relationship material. We’re both 20, I know that he’s been like this on these apps since he was about 15, I thought that we would’ve grown out of it by now and especially after being in this relationship but clearly not. His reason for the break up was that he thought we’ve grown apart and we’re not compatible like we were, he said he wants to ‘just chill’ and ‘I want to do my own thing for a bit’ which I clearly now know what he meant by that. It’s just so frustrating and I’m so hurt I feel so lied to 1
Acacia98 Posted June 19, 2022 Posted June 19, 2022 I'm sorry for what you're going through. It's perfectly understandable that you feel the way you feel. But it's important to realize (to your credit, you already do) that your ex-boyfriend is not answerable to you and doesn't owe it to you to behave a particular way post-breakup. If you two had kids, an argument could be made for making sure the kids were not exposed to his lovers or dates. But you don't mention kids. There's something else going on with your perception of his behavior that is not necessarily healthy for you. You seem to suggest that you see him as an extension of you and his behavior as somehow reflecting negatively on you. Believe you me, it doesn't. His behavior speaks volumes about him. I wouldn't judge you based on it. Sounds like you need to do some work to regain your sense of self. Perhaps you were losing your identity in this relationship? To me, the fact that he's jumped back onto dating apps so soon after the breakup means that perhaps he isn't willing or able to take the time to introspect about himself and what went wrong in the relationship, which would be the emotionally healthier thing to do. It also suggests that he's scared of being single. Overall, it tells me that the end of the relationship has impacted him and he's trying to cope by suppressing his emotions. It's quite conceivable that he loved you. But, for whatever reason, things didn't work out. You really don't have to question your entire relationship based on his latest actions. If, however, there were other problems when you two were together, then it is fair to reexamine your relationship.
Wiseman2 Posted June 19, 2022 Posted June 19, 2022 20 minutes ago, Glight said: We’re both 20, I know that he’s been like this on these apps since he was about 15, I thought that we would’ve grown out of it by now. You're both too young to be tied down since 17. Think of this as a gift and chance for freedom and dating others. Are you at college? You'll have lots of opportunities to meet and date plenty of young men in order to explore yourself and see what is a good fit for you. He was simply being honest that being stuck in a relationship wasn't a good fit for him. He ended things honestly and to play the field. After ending things you're both free to date whoever and do whatever you want. 2
glows Posted June 19, 2022 Posted June 19, 2022 Just chill? Is he a stoner? Either way it didn’t work out and as heartbreaking as it is yes, he is entitled to doing as he pleases and has no obligations at all as to how anything should appear. You may rest assured as well that anything he says or does going forward is no reflection on you as a woman or person or his ex. He makes decisions of his own accord and the ties are cut/severed completely and totally. You have no say any longer in what he does and vice versa for him about you. Going by him needing to “chill” he may be tired of dealing with your anger and frustration with him. Did that happen a lot when you were together? What arguments did you have?
ShyViolet Posted June 19, 2022 Posted June 19, 2022 Not to sound harsh here, but him going on dating apps now is frankly none of your business. He is your ex now and he can do whatever he wants. Why did you "confront" him about it? You shouldn't have done that. As I said, he is not your boyfriend anymore and he can do whatever he wants.... he doesn't owe you an explanation. I don't blame him for blocking you after that.... you kinda gave him no choice because you were being irrational. I'm not sure what you hoped to accomplish by "confronting" him about being on dating apps. Did you honestly expect that you would be able to ask him NOT to go on dating apps, and that he would comply? When you're not in a relationship anymore? That's unreasonable. If seeing him on dating apps bothers you, then I'm sure all dating apps have a "block" function where you can block him so you won't come across his profile anymore. You need to do that, and not contact him again. 2
BrinnM Posted June 19, 2022 Posted June 19, 2022 What an ass! That’s no way to break up with somebody. But you also have to take into consideration how young he is. At 20 he’s not even fully matured, and he shouldn’t have been in a long-term serious relationship in the first place. Makes me wonder what he did during the relationship. I mean that’s Highschool age and people go to parties and are very much influenced by their friend circles, so anything can happen, and I wouldn’t expect a teenager to be faithful and committed (for years!). But anyway - he wants to be free now it seems, and that’s somehow understandable, and that includes “hooking up” online. It’s not surprising if you think it through. Still a shorty move on his part - at least he could’ve been honest. But again - consider his age. His brain is not developed yet, and the testosterone probably takes over 20 hours per day out of 24.
MartinSID Posted June 22, 2022 Posted June 22, 2022 Hey Glight Sorry to hear what you are going through at the moment, the sinking feeling felt in the stomach when you see your ex moving on with there dating life so fast after a breakup is horrible and like you said can make you question the whole of the relationship. The only thing you can hold on to at this stage is what is real and what you have control of. What i mean by this is that the relationship did not not work out and this is for a reason. as your going through the break up you may find yourself questioning that reason and thinking was it your fault or was it his fault, left feeling empty, angry and frustrated but if you can contain the emotions your going through and look at it logically "easier said then done i know" you will find that it did not work out and this is all that matters and now the relationship is over this allows you to now find a relationship in the future that will work out. Him dating so quick after you have broke up i would say is not mature or healthy on his behalf but its what he is choosing to do you have no control over that. take this time to re focus on you and what it is that you love to do. again i know this is hard but as time passes you will go through the different stages of emotions that we all feel in a break up and i promise you will come to a place of acceptance. try to keep your mind off what he is doing and stay grounded on what you want from life.
stillafool Posted June 22, 2022 Posted June 22, 2022 I agree with ShyViolet that him being on a dating app is none of your business. How did you find out? Were you policing him? He's been tied down in a relationship since he was 17 and at 20 he wants to experience other people so that is why he's on that app. He was honest with you that he wants to chill and not answer to anyone (and that includes you) which is why he broke up. Surely you knew he would start dating other people but it doesn't mean he's ready to settle back into a relationship yet. 20 is way too young to be in a committed relationship.
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