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Am I asking too much from dating men? I want us to see each other twice per week (dinner + activities on those)

Minty33year

By Minty33year
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Minty33year Member

Minty33year

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So, i´ve been chatting with a new man for 1 month, then we dated 7 times last month and we speak 1-2 hours in average on phone since 3 weeks back...

I thought we´re on the way to be in love and serious cause he wanted to be exclusive fast, so we booked 1 week vacation to paradise trave l but it´s 6 weeks away...

So far we´ve had amazing dates with minigolf, dinners, picknicks, adventure place, movies etc. I´ve been loving it all but now he tells me he can´t keep up the pace of 2 dates/ week and wants us to seattle into more comfort like dating 1 time / MONTH! Which feels ailien to me... how can we go from 8 times to 1 time a month!? It´s crazy to me.


His finances is very good but i´m unemployed currently.. i think he doesnt want to pay for everything which i understand but what i´m translating his words to is that he seeks us to be at each other´s places and have sex mostly of the time instead of doing things in town like restaurants etc (i really enjoy!) and it´s dissapointing to me! :(

I heard [ ]  we women should follow the 90 day rule which is "dont sleep with the guy for 90 days". if i count from the day we started our contact it´s been 60 days now... I told him i dont want to sleep together before we are in love and he asked me to be his girlfriend which he haven´t done yet. But he has told about that he likes me a lot to his friends and sent a picture of me to his sisters a few days ago.. still I feel i don´t know his deep intentions. I´ve been heartbroken maaaany times and he none, he´s been the heartbreaker and player before.. but now he is 31 (me 33) and he is looking to seattle down and wants to produce children in 1-3 years from now. But with that timeline i feel a bit pressured because i need to get a job and get my place in order for selling etc...

Anyway, AM I ASKING TOO MUCH for us to be going on dates such as restaurant and movies for example 2 times a week till we move in together? He says its a disney fantasy and that NOBODY does that!???

Please help me understand. Also i dont know if we are compatible after this facts and we have 1 day to unbook the vacation so i´m stressed because if i choose us to unbook its as if to say we are breaking up altogether because it meand i dont believe in us... but what can i do elsewise?

I just feel weird about him saying some weeks we might not have much contact or see each other cause he is so busy. It confuses me because he has all the time up till now said im his #1 priority, but this and next week he is fully booked with friends.. and during workdays he works a lot and get tired. I´m starting to question if he is even ready for a real relationship now. I think he should have a bootycall or something maybe instead.

I´m bonding a lot when i have sex so its sacred to me and therefore i want to wait.. i havent even  told him yet i´ll have condom on (even during oral-sex) untill we are engaged (which he said he would propose to me in 1 year next summer if everything goes well) but i dont know what to do....

Please help me with clarification! Am i living in "lala-land" or are my requirements of "8 real dates/ month untill we are living together" normal?????

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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Minty33year Member

Minty33year

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By the way he is nagging about coming home to me but i said i cant have him over cause im fixing my appartment which he barely believes (he thinks i might hiding something or someone ..) so he offered to come help me clean my appartment which i declined and started crying about because its so sensitive to me. Also he is complaining im giving him blue balls (as if i should feel sorry about him and help him orgasm??). He also mentioned he had a bootycall text him before he deleted Tinder at the same time as me... i dont like he is mentioning this.

And I dont know what to do.. i feel offput of the whole thing. Despite I liked him for 2 months and developed some love.. 
What would you do in my shoes honestly? I dont want to go single onto tinder again or just "be alone and working on myself" the rest of summer...
He payed for the vacation by the way 1 week in advance (but it is still possible to get 100% refound if we unbook it tomorrow) but i really longed to this trip! Now im so confused... He also told me guys know only when they orgasm into a woman if she is the one for them or not.. it scares me he might not like doing it in me =( and dump me anyway......

Weezy1973 Established Member

Weezy1973

Posted
Posted
36 minutes ago, Minty33year said:

What would you do in my shoes honestly? I dont want to go single onto tinder again or just "be alone and working on myself" the rest of summer...

He payed for the vacation by the way 1 week in advance (but it is still possible to get 100% refound if we unbook it tomorrow) but i really longed to this trip! Now im so confused... He also told me guys know only when they orgasm into a woman if she is the one for them or not.. it scares me he might not like doing it in me =( and dump me anyway......

Dump him. He's definitely playing you, there's no such thing as "blue balls". He's perfectly capable of masturbating if he needs to. He's trying to manipulate you - he came on fast and strong at the start - which believe it or not is NOT a good sign. A guy that wants to take the time to know you is a good thing if you're looking for commitment. He sounds like a player, and is acting like a player, therefore I think he's a player.

 

And if there's anything to do this summer, it's find a job. Then you can support yourself. Tinder and working on yourself can wait.

  • Like 5
basil67 Established Member

basil67

Posted
Posted

He should not be coercing you into sex.  That's a given.

However, your expectations of him are entitled to say the least.  You've mentioned in the past that there have been relationship issues where you like to spend and the guy likes to save, but I didn't realise until now that it's other people's money you wish to spend.  Going out twice a week is something which is nice to do, but it's hardly essential and it gets prohibitively expensive if the cost is all on one person is paying.  So if you want to go out more, get a job and start contributing to the cost.   Even when I was working and dating, it wasn't all going out on dates...there was also plenty of snuggling on the lounge watching videos, or cooking meals together, picnics with a thermos of tea and a sandwich, zero/low cost activities like museums and galleries.

Him not seeing your house is a huge concern.  I wouldn't date anybody who refused to let me see where they live, for exactly the reason he gave.  You are hiding something, so I completely understand him being wary. 

Lastly, cancel the holiday.  If you're not at the point of having sex with him, you should not be vacationing with him.   Honestly, if I was going on a holiday with a b/f, I'd sure as heck be expecting there would be sex...and lots of it...and this guy will be expecting it too. 

My best advice is to stop dating for now and get your life in order.

  • Like 7
stillafool Established Member

stillafool

Posted
Posted

 

2 hours ago, Minty33year said:

Anyway, AM I ASKING TOO MUCH for us to be going on dates such as restaurant and movies for example 2 times a week till we move in together?

No, not if you're the one paying for it.  You don't seem to understand that dating takes money and you don't have a job.  Get a job and then offer to pay for half the dates.  Women who use the rule to wait to have sex usually pay half their expenses on dates so the guy doesn't feel used.  What is up with your apartment that he can't see it?  I would be suspicious of you because of this.

  • Like 3
glows Established Member

glows

Posted
Posted

Are you actively interviewing and applying for jobs? I’d focus on this and find stable employment. You’ll feel less unsteady and disturbed by people like this. He is absolutely classless and disgusting, by the way. I am sorry you’re dealing with this person. Worse than garbage. If you’d hold out and be patient you’d likely meet people more on your level. Stay away from dating rules and when to have sex. You only have sex when you feel comfortable, period. Trust your instincts if things feel off. 

Also, Tinder is a hook up app designed for people looking for non-committal connections. Why are you using an app like this to meet men if you want a relationship? Delete that account and look into another app or one preferably with a paid membership (NOT Tinder). 

Work on yourself first as you’re hanging around the wrong crowd. Boot this guy. He has no place in your life. 

 

  • Like 1
Ami1uwant Established Member

Ami1uwant

Posted
Posted (edited)
3 hours ago, Minty33year said:

By the way he is nagging about coming home to me but i said i cant have him over cause im fixing my appartment which he barely believes (he thinks i might hiding something or someone ..) so he offered to come help me clean my appartment which i declined and started crying about because its so sensitive to me. Also he is complaining im giving him blue balls (as if i should feel sorry about him and help him orgasm??). He also mentioned he had a bootycall text him before he deleted Tinder at the same time as me... i dont like he is mentioning this.

And I dont know what to do.. i feel offput of the whole thing. Despite I liked him for 2 months and developed some love.. 
What would you do in my shoes honestly? I dont want to go single onto tinder again or just "be alone and working on myself" the rest of summer...
He payed for the vacation by the way 1 week in advance (but it is still possible to get 100% refound if we unbook it tomorrow) but i really longed to this trip! Now im so confused... He also told me guys know only when they orgasm into a woman if she is the one for them or not.. it scares me he might not like doing it in me =( and dump me anyway......

I’ll be honest…if I heard you are waiting 3 months to have sex I’m pulling away.  
 

sex is an important part in a relationship for compatibility.

 

you wont have him over to your place. That would make me wonder you are hiding something

 

thrn youare unemployed so you are expecting him to pay for dinner and things…but you aren’t having sex.  
 

says to me he’s being taken and wasting his time here.

 

2 dates a week..costing him $250 a week.  12 weeks put that at $3000 and no sex. Bad investment strategy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited by Ami1uwant
  • Like 3
Alpacalia Established Member

Alpacalia

Posted
Posted (edited)
On 6/18/2022 at 4:35 PM, basil67 said:

My best advice is to stop dating for now and get your life in order.

Taking this advice will prove very beneficial to you.

You're charging full steam ahead here.

It's a dreamy time for you right now with this person.

But what you have unknowingly done is employ him as a "means to an end," one that will realize all your dreams for you. You are imagining how wonderful it would be if he could fulfill all responsibilities as a partner, lover, and friend, and now a potential man has finally emerged to fill that special role.

Clearly, however, he does not wish to fulfill such roles. 

Moreover, why should he?

In that regard, pay attention to what he is doing right now. He says one thing (let's slow down) while still rushing full speed ahead. Not a good sign. He is clearly sensitive to the fact that you are coming from a place of desperation and is using that to his advantage. The way he speaks to you and conducts himself is just pure trash. 

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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  • Like 1
Maldives Established Member

Maldives

Posted
Posted (edited)
7 hours ago, Minty33year said:

So, i´ve been chatting with a new man for 1 month, then we dated 7 times last month and we speak 1-2 hours in average on phone since 3 weeks back...

I thought we´re on the way to be in love and serious cause he wanted to be exclusive fast, so we booked 1 week vacation to paradise trave l but it´s 6 weeks away...

So far we´ve had amazing dates with minigolf, dinners, picknicks, adventure place, movies etc. I´ve been loving it all but now he tells me he can´t keep up the pace of 2 dates/ week and wants us to seattle into more comfort like dating 1 time / MONTH! Which feels ailien to me... how can we go from 8 times to 1 time a month!? It´s crazy to me.


His finances is very good but i´m unemployed currently.. i think he doesnt want to pay for everything which i understand but what i´m translating his words to is that he seeks us to be at each other´s places and have sex mostly of the time instead of doing things in town like restaurants etc (i really enjoy!) and it´s dissapointing to me! :(

I heard [ ]  we women should follow the 90 day rule which is "dont sleep with the guy for 90 days". if i count from the day we started our contact it´s been 60 days now... I told him i dont want to sleep together before we are in love and he asked me to be his girlfriend which he haven´t done yet. But he has told about that he likes me a lot to his friends and sent a picture of me to his sisters a few days ago.. still I feel i don´t know his deep intentions. I´ve been heartbroken maaaany times and he none, he´s been the heartbreaker and player before.. but now he is 31 (me 33) and he is looking to seattle down and wants to produce children in 1-3 years from now. But with that timeline i feel a bit pressured because i need to get a job and get my place in order for selling etc...

Anyway, AM I ASKING TOO MUCH for us to be going on dates such as restaurant and movies for example 2 times a week till we move in together? He says its a disney fantasy and that NOBODY does that!???

Please help me understand. Also i dont know if we are compatible after this facts and we have 1 day to unbook the vacation so i´m stressed because if i choose us to unbook its as if to say we are breaking up altogether because it meand i dont believe in us... but what can i do elsewise?

I just feel weird about him saying some weeks we might not have much contact or see each other cause he is so busy. It confuses me because he has all the time up till now said im his #1 priority, but this and next week he is fully booked with friends.. and during workdays he works a lot and get tired. I´m starting to question if he is even ready for a real relationship now. I think he should have a bootycall or something maybe instead.

I´m bonding a lot when i have sex so its sacred to me and therefore i want to wait.. i havent even  told him yet i´ll have condom on (even during oral-sex) untill we are engaged (which he said he would propose to me in 1 year next summer if everything goes well) but i dont know what to do....

Please help me with clarification! Am i living in "lala-land" or are my requirements of "8 real dates/ month untill we are living together" normal?????

You mentioned he was paying for the dates and you are unemployed. I would take a guess and say that's what it is. It's putting pressure on his finances why don't you do things that don't cost money like picnics or takeaway coffee? Something simple. Take a bit of pressure off him. 

Edited by Goodguy05
  • Like 1
ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

Posted
Posted
7 hours ago, Minty33year said:

he tells me he can´t keep up the pace of 2 dates/ week and wants us to seattle into more comfort like dating 1 time / MONTH!

This is ridiculous, and it's barely dating. That isn't "comfort dating." It's not even really casual dating. 

7 hours ago, Minty33year said:

we booked 1 week vacation to paradise trave l but it´s 6 weeks away

Too much, too soon. You have been on 7 dates. It was premature to book a holiday together. 

7 hours ago, Minty33year said:

Also he is complaining im giving him blue balls

Is he 15 years old? Get rid of a grown man who tries to manipulate you like this. 

7 hours ago, Minty33year said:

(which he said he would propose to me in 1 year next summer if everything goes well

Again, this is way too much. You two hardly know each other. Talk of proposals should not even be on the table. 

7 hours ago, Minty33year said:

He also told me guys know only when they orgasm into a woman if she is the one for them or not.

Where the heck did you find this clown? This is not a thing. 

I don't mean to be unkind, but you seem very inexperienced. This man is feeding you all kinds of BS, and for some reason, you don't appear to realize it's just that - BS. 

7 hours ago, Minty33year said:

i said i cant have him over cause im fixing my appartment which he barely believes (he thinks i might hiding something or someone ..) so he offered to come help me clean my appartment which i declined and started crying about because its so sensitive to me.

You have to understand that most people are going to find it suspicious if you don't let them see where you live. Why is this so sensitive to you that you cried? What is wrong with your apartment? 

Look, this man is not the one for you anyway. He came on way too strong, way too quickly, and is now starting to back out. Unbook the vacation. It is not going to go well and it won't bring you closer to him.  There is every chance he will decide you aren't coming, and bring someone else anyway. Get your life sorted, so you can find work and fix up your home so you don't feel you have to hide it. And please, filter out the guys like this who love-bomb you. It's not a good sign. 

  • Like 2
Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

Posted
Posted
11 hours ago, Minty33year said:

 He also told me guys know only when they orgasm into a woman if she is the one for them or not.. 

Unfortunately he's just looking for sex. Focus on getting your apartment, finances and employment under control.

You don't seem ready to date yet until you get a job and get your apartment in order.

End it, then delete and block him. 

 

  • Like 4
BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

Posted
Posted
14 hours ago, Minty33year said:

Anyway, AM I ASKING TOO MUCH for us to be going on dates such as restaurant and movies for example 2 times a week till we move in together? He says its a disney fantasy and that NOBODY does that!???

Yes, nobody could keep up that pace and it becomes very expensive. When we were dating, we would usually make supper together and hang at home during the week and do something fun together on the weekend. 

Also, if you are unemployed and expecting him to pay your way, you really have no right to expect anything. 

Also, what in the world are you doing booking a trip when a) you have been dating for one month and you haven’t even had sex with the man yet and b) you are unemployed. Who is paying for the trip?

 

  • Like 2
BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

Posted
Posted
14 hours ago, Minty33year said:

He also told me guys know only when they orgasm into a woman if she is the one for them or not.

🤣🤣🤣

  • Like 1
smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

Posted
Posted (edited)

Lets face it...he's just another one of those guys that's going to hurt you. The reason why I say that is his attitude towards not having sex. He should be moving on instead of trying to manipulate you into it. Girl your picker is off, you keep picking these losers. And to boot, you trust no one so you set these ridiculous 90 days till we have sex rules/obligations that pretty much no guy is going to be interested in following in the first place. You may as well not date until you figure this stuff out and get your finances in order. It's not a man's job to provide for you, dates and all.

Edited by smackie9
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