foxglove33 Posted June 18, 2022 Posted June 18, 2022 Disclaimer: I know this is just one version of sort of an age-old problem, but then issues in other people's love life are easier to solve than in your own! I met this guy on a bus and we swapped numbers and have been texting and we've been on three dates now. On date number 3, he springs on me, oh maybe we should just be friends - but this is right after we've been affectionate, holding hands etc. So I ask him does he not feel a spark between us any more. Oh no there's definitely a spark he says but I just don't think I can date a European again as last time I did, we both ended up getting hurt (no idea what the details of this are, he wouldn't elaborate!) - This guy is Arab by the way. Obviously, I say, well hang on a minute are you sure and he's quite non-commital and saying oh just forget I said all that, then later he seems to veer back to yes just friends vibes. But after this date he's still texting and doing stuff like sending me pictures of himself, and saying do you think I look good in this one? Do I just need to give this some time and space and see how it works out - or are my friends right who say this guy at best really doesn't seem to know his mind and at worst is even a little bit cruel saying let's just be friends but then doing stuff like sending the pictures and I'd be better off without him? I would find this way easier if he simply said he just wasn't into me in that way any more, but he protests that it's not that. It's just his reservations about dating a European, whatever that's all about. Any advice would be gratefully received.
Wiseman2 Posted June 18, 2022 Posted June 18, 2022 9 minutes ago, foxglove33 said: he says but I just don't think I can date a European again as last time I did, we both ended up getting hurt - This guy is Arab by the way. Is it possible he has a GF back home or is scheduled for an arranged marriage or his parents would not approve? He seems attracted but quite hesitant. Try not to pursue him or feed his questions about his pics. Perhaps rethink if this is going anywhere or in a direction you're interested in.
ShyViolet Posted June 18, 2022 Posted June 18, 2022 No, "let's just be friends" will not work and is a bad idea. You already went on 3 dates with this guy and got your hopes up that he was interested in you. Then he rejected you and said he wasn't interested in dating you. Now he's playing games and sending mixed messages. It is time for you to stop wasting your time with this, and just cut him off completely and move on. There would be absolutely no point to remaining "friends" with this guy because you already have hurt feelings from him rejecting you and it would just lead to weirdness and confusion. You don't need friends like that. You can make new friends.
ShyViolet Posted June 18, 2022 Posted June 18, 2022 You posted this same question in another form here.... no need to do that. But anyway..... It's never wise to hope a guy will "change". You need to listen to what he has said and accept it at face value. He told you he couldn't date you. Honestly, his reasons sound like BS, it sounds like an excuse. But in any case, if he was interested in you, he never would have done that. Accept that and stop wasting your time. 2 1
Author foxglove33 Posted June 18, 2022 Author Posted June 18, 2022 Thanks for this advice so far! Sorry I realised I posted in the wrong forum initially then couldn't figure out how to delete the first post. 1
Ami1uwant Posted June 18, 2022 Posted June 18, 2022 44 minutes ago, foxglove33 said: Thanks for this advice so far! Sorry I realised I posted in the wrong forum initially then couldn't figure out how to delete the first post. his reasoning seems tied to the last one he dated. Thr key issue is what happened? Why did it rnd? Whatare the differences? Is he expecting you to convert religion due to family pressure? Was the pressure from her family? i think he’s torn by the previous experience riding a bike. 1
glows Posted June 19, 2022 Posted June 19, 2022 As I was reading, OP, I did feel sorry for your situation but this man is a complete joke. Please do not stay in contact whatsoever. Not only is he flighty and weird talking about his ex while holding hands with you, he is VAIN. Vanity has never been an attractive quality in my books and he gets the boot. Get rid of, pronto. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted June 19, 2022 Posted June 19, 2022 If he's already telling you after just 3 dates he prefers to be friends, it's best to read the writing on the wall and let it go. No need to analyze his past with him. It's not worth it when you hardly know the guy. Just accept that it's not working for him and cut contact. Don't hang around and continue to validate him when he wants attention. 2
NuevoYorko Posted June 19, 2022 Posted June 19, 2022 Why would you want to be with a man who has made it completely clear that he is not interested in you "in that way"? If he feels that cultural differences will come between you - they WILL. Giving time won't change these things.
BaileyB Posted June 19, 2022 Posted June 19, 2022 (edited) 21 hours ago, foxglove33 said: Do I just need to give this some time and space and see how it works out - or are my friends right who say this guy at best really doesn't seem to know his mind and at worst is even a little bit cruel saying let's just be friends but then doing stuff like sending the pictures and I'd be better off without him? I tend to side with your friends. Again, if he feels that cultural differences will come between you - they will. Personally, I would let this go. I want to be with someone who is unequivocally interested in dating me. Mixed messages are unkind time will only get you in deeper such that you will be more hurt and confused when it doesn’t work out. I’m sorry. Edited June 19, 2022 by BaileyB
smackie9 Posted June 19, 2022 Posted June 19, 2022 (edited) Sounds like cultural difference and pressure from his family. He's a lonely guy and probably wanted some interaction, then thought better of it. Stay friends if you want, but this one is done. Edited June 19, 2022 by smackie9
Author foxglove33 Posted June 19, 2022 Author Posted June 19, 2022 1 hour ago, smackie9 said: Sounds like cultural difference and pressure from his family. He's a lonely guy and probably wanted some interaction, then thought better of it. Stay friends if you want, but this one is done. I think I got starry-eyed and swept up in the way our story began - eyes meeting on the bus and swapping numbers, my life's not normally like that! So I wasn't wanting to see the writing on the wall with this. 18 hours ago, glows said: As I was reading, OP, I did feel sorry for your situation but this man is a complete joke. Please do not stay in contact whatsoever. Not only is he flighty and weird talking about his ex while holding hands with you, he is VAIN. Vanity has never been an attractive quality in my books and he gets the boot. Get rid of, pronto. I don't like to admit it but I think you hit the nail on the head here. He seemed so sincere when he said he really wanted to be friends but then he really is vain, you're so right when I think of lots of the little interactions we've had. He seems to crave the validation of me being interested romantically even since he declared we were just friends. I am kind of realising as I type this, that it does make him seem like quite an inconsiderate person and not someone you'd pick as a friend. Things that are obvious when it's not your situation are much harder to see/admit when you're caught up with the emotions of it though. 2
glows Posted June 19, 2022 Posted June 19, 2022 1 hour ago, foxglove33 said: I think I got starry-eyed and swept up in the way our story began - eyes meeting on the bus and swapping numbers, my life's not normally like that! So I wasn't wanting to see the writing on the wall with this. I don't like to admit it but I think you hit the nail on the head here. He seemed so sincere when he said he really wanted to be friends but then he really is vain, you're so right when I think of lots of the little interactions we've had. He seems to crave the validation of me being interested romantically even since he declared we were just friends. I am kind of realising as I type this, that it does make him seem like quite an inconsiderate person and not someone you'd pick as a friend. Things that are obvious when it's not your situation are much harder to see/admit when you're caught up with the emotions of it though. Yeah, no. Block and delete. He’s not interested. People like this just need a little square of doormat to do as they please and walk all over for their own self-gratification, no cares for what others feel. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted June 20, 2022 Posted June 20, 2022 10 hours ago, foxglove33 said: I think I got starry-eyed and swept up in the way our story began - eyes meeting on the bus and swapping numbers, Yes, it's important not to hang on a narrative like this. In the end, he's just some random guy you happened to see on the bus. It's not an epic tale of romance. 1
Wiseman2 Posted June 20, 2022 Posted June 20, 2022 13 hours ago, foxglove33 said: I think I got starry-eyed and swept up in the way our story began - eyes meeting on the bus and swapping numbers, Very true. The meet-cute thing is a standard in rom-coms, but this guy is not that. Put it behind you and it may be best to stop communicating with him. 1
bene Posted June 20, 2022 Posted June 20, 2022 Whatever his reasons are nothing good will come from being “friends” with someone you have a crush on but who is not interested in you in that way. Be honest with yourself, you are not looking for a friend. As a rule of thumb I have found that if you already have problems this early in a potential relationship then it’s not right. Three dates in is the time to get to know each other and enjoy each others company. 1
introverted1 Posted June 20, 2022 Posted June 20, 2022 Meh. At best he's legitimately confused. At worst he's setting you up for a situation where you've tacitly agreed that he can flake in and out of your life at will. Regardless which it is, unless you are eager to sign on to a relationship filled with anxiety, doubt, and confusion, best to just walk away. 1
Lauriebell82 Posted June 21, 2022 Posted June 21, 2022 He seems like he is ambivalent for whatever reason...fear, insecurity, his own committment issues, ect. You can give him time and space but take it it from me, I have dated this variety of man before and it comes at a very hefty price. It will drive you a little crazy. The constant "flip flopping" about wanting you, not wanting you on any given day kind of does a number on your brain and your self esteem. My advice is find a guy who is available AND knows what he wants. Don't waste your time with this guy.
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