Love2Love78 Posted June 18, 2022 Posted June 18, 2022 Been single for a while now and decided to start dating again about a month ago. I started talking to someone off Bumble recently that I REALLY like. Right after our first conversation on the phone, she text me "best first conversation with a stranger ever." We had talked for about 2.5hrs the first time, and each time after (either phone or video chats as well), typically at least 30mins+. Tons in common, same relationship goals (serious, long-term), etc. Whenever we do talk, it's great. However, she has a habit of not replying to my texts sometimes. Usually messages me at least once a day, but sometimes I'll message her at like 6pm one day, won't hear from her until the next day, sometimes the next evening. Seems to be one or the other - either she replies almost immediately, or she takes hours or days to reply. She did tell me she has ADHD, and I get it because I do too, but I'm interested in her to the point where even when I'm busy, I always remember to get back to her within at least a few hours. She also has kids and seems to have a pretty busy life with them. Regardless, the one and only issue I have so far is how she seems to forget about me sometimes. We've been talking for about a week, but never got a chance to meet up yet. We're about an hour away from each other, which doesn't help. I'm tempted to tell her I'll drive out to her, even if to just meet for a quick coffee. I wanted to bring the whole going MIA thing up and see where her head is at, but not sure the best way to do so? If that's just how she always is, even in a relationship, that won't work for me. I couldn't have a relationship with someone who would regularly forget about me like that. I was thinking of just being completely honest - tell her I am very interested in her, and asking her if she feels she has time for a relationship in her life if things went that direction with us, and taking it from there. I just don't want to waste my time with someone that may not put much effort into a relationship, but also don't want to walk away, as of the 12 or so women I've met so far, she's the only one that I am REALLY interested in. Suggestions?
Alpacalia Posted June 18, 2022 Posted June 18, 2022 No, do not discuss her texting habits with her. The two of you are not even dating. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted June 18, 2022 Posted June 18, 2022 15 minutes ago, Love2Love78 said: I wanted to bring the whole going MIA thing up and see where her head is at, I wouldn't do this. It's too much for a woman you have never met, and only started talking to 7 days ago. Ask her to meet. Then see what comes of it. 2
Author Love2Love78 Posted June 18, 2022 Author Posted June 18, 2022 Thanks for the feedback guys. Yea, I'll message her and just tell her I'll drive out to see her. See what happens 2
Gaeta Posted June 18, 2022 Posted June 18, 2022 One hour drive is nothing for many people. You can meet in the middle or you go to her city like a real gentleman. If finding time to meet over coffee has been an issue, how would you find time to date? Especially she has children. If l were you i'd focus more on finding out if dating her is viable. As for her going MIA in text, it shows a mild interest in her part. I know several young single mothers and they have time to post their entire life on social media so rest assured, she sees your text, she probably entertains several other men too so don't put all your hope in this woman. 1
Wiseman2 Posted June 18, 2022 Posted June 18, 2022 1 hour ago, Love2Love78 said: We've been talking for about a week, but never got a chance to meet up yet. We're about an hour away from each other, which doesn't help. I'm tempted to tell her I'll drive out to her, even if to just meet for a quick coffee. Absolutely meet up before investing more time with calls, texts etc. See how it goes. 1
Author Love2Love78 Posted June 18, 2022 Author Posted June 18, 2022 (edited) Well, she just got back to me. Apparently, she was up until 7am last night for some "church close in" or something for her son. She blew my phone up as soon as she woke up with like 8 texts in 2mins. Called on video chat. She said she'll make time tomorrow, whenever I want. Yay me. I know it seems stupid to be this interested in someone I haven't even seen face to face yet, but I'm very picky. I know this. Yet, she has managed to fit every single thing I need to see, every single bonus so far, and this is the first one I've been excited about since I first started dating. I have a really good feeling, but then again I know I'm mentally challenged when it comes to relationships, so only time will tell. However, I will NEVER deal with what I dealt with in that last one ever again. Thanks so much for the feedback here!!! Edited June 18, 2022 by Love2Love78 1
ShyViolet Posted June 18, 2022 Posted June 18, 2022 2 hours ago, Love2Love78 said: I wanted to bring the whole going MIA thing up and see where her head is at, but not sure the best way to do so? If that's just how she always is, even in a relationship, that won't work for me. I couldn't have a relationship with someone who would regularly forget about me like that. I was thinking of just being completely honest - tell her I am very interested in her, and asking her if she feels she has time for a relationship in her life if things went that direction with us, and taking it from there. I just don't want to waste my time with someone that may not put much effort into a relationship, but also don't want to walk away, as of the 12 or so women I've met so far, she's the only one that I am REALLY interested in. Suggestions? You DO NOT have a conversation about this with someone you met on a dating app a week ago who you haven't even met in person yet. You are getting WAY ahead of yourself to an extremely unhealthy and co-dependent degree. You are not in a relationship with this woman. You don't even know enough about her yet to know if you are compatible with her for a relationship. She is allowed to take a few hours to respond to a text. Not everyone is super fast to respond to texts and people have busy lives. You are way overthinking this and you need to relax. 1
ShyViolet Posted June 18, 2022 Posted June 18, 2022 @Love2Love78, I remember your other threads. The way you are talking here, you sound very much like you are still stuck in the same unhealthy behaviors that were a major issue for you before. Are you still working on that and are you still in therapy? 2 1
Gaeta Posted June 18, 2022 Posted June 18, 2022 2 hours ago, Love2Love78 said: Well, she just got back to me. Apparently, she was up until 7am last night for some "church close in" or something for her son. What's a church close in? She was out till early morning for a chuch child event?
basil67 Posted June 18, 2022 Posted June 18, 2022 (edited) 58 minutes ago, Gaeta said: What's a church close in? She was out till early morning for a chuch child event? Google doesn't help . I wonder if she meant "church close to me" @Love2Love78 I agree that you should not be raising the issue of her late responses by text. Early dating is when you observe to see if the person is likely a good match for you. If you have concerns this early, work out if it's something you can live with or just walk away. Edited June 18, 2022 by basil67
Weezy1973 Posted June 19, 2022 Posted June 19, 2022 6 hours ago, Love2Love78 said: Regardless, the one and only issue I have so far is how she seems to forget about me sometimes. You've only been talking for a week. How is this an issue? I'd hope she would forget about you as she has friends, family, hobbies, potential other dating prospects etc. It would weird at this point if she didn't forget about you sometimes. 6 hours ago, Love2Love78 said: I just don't want to waste my time with someone that may not put much effort into a relationship, but also don't want to walk away, as of the 12 or so women I've met so far, she's the only one that I am REALLY interested in. Suggestions? You haven't even been on a date yet. Why all the drama? You don't even know her. Being REALLY interested is too much emotional investment to a veritable stranger. Suggestion would be to slow down. Continue to contact / date others. Ask her out on a date, see what happens. Ask out other women on dates too.
glows Posted June 19, 2022 Posted June 19, 2022 (edited) You’ll both have to agree on meeting soon. Unfortunately it’s not meeting soon enough that’s causing all this confusion and angst. You don’t know if you have chemistry or any attraction for one another and it’s too much too soon. Remember that you don’t know this person at all. I’m excited for you and glad that you’ve come across someone who piques your interest but do not get carried away. Be mindful that if she can’t see you halfway now or ever (meaning she can’t drive, bus, commute, doesn’t have time, whatever), that you’re comfortable making drives to see her. While one hour driving may not be a lot to some, it could be tiresome to you. You decide that and avoid investing too heavily in someone before knowing what you’re getting into. Edited June 19, 2022 by glows
ExpatInItaly Posted June 19, 2022 Posted June 19, 2022 8 hours ago, Love2Love78 said: she has managed to fit every single thing I need to see, every single bonus so far It's good to be excited. But try not to get too ahead of yourself when you have never spent time in person with this woman. See how it goes once you meet. Then decide if it's worth meeting again. Take it from there. Keep perspective.
SingFish Posted June 19, 2022 Posted June 19, 2022 11 hours ago, Love2Love78 said: I couldn't have a relationship with someone who would regularly forget about me like that. That's on you. If you need a lot of attention the best women in the world are likely to pass on that! Build up your self esteem and don't be needy.
SingFish Posted June 19, 2022 Posted June 19, 2022 35 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: Keep perspective. exactly.
FMW Posted June 19, 2022 Posted June 19, 2022 8 hours ago, Gaeta said: What's a church close in? She was out till early morning for a chuch child event? Where I live we call them lock-ins. It's where you spend the night and focus on talking or activities together with no outside interruptions (like phones). No one leaves until the next morning. It's meant for relationship building or spiritual focus. 2
smackie9 Posted June 19, 2022 Posted June 19, 2022 She's not that into you ....an interested woman will make time for you...if she can hit the head for 5 mins she can pick up her phone to answer a text. I always say go for those who treat you the way you expect to be treated. If she THAT busy, she won't have time for you anyways. It's possible she's talking to/dating other guys she is more interested in. Find someone else.
Gaeta Posted June 19, 2022 Posted June 19, 2022 7 hours ago, FMW said: Where I live we call them lock-ins. It's where you spend the night and focus on talking or activities together with no outside interruptions (like phones). No one leaves until the next morning. It's meant for relationship building or spiritual focus. Here we call them retreats. OP: If l went on a retreat l would warn the man l'm talking with especially if l considered it the best conversation ever ...as she qualified it.
BrinnM Posted June 19, 2022 Posted June 19, 2022 9 minutes ago, Gaeta said: Here we call them retreats. OP: If l went on a retreat l would warn the man l'm talking with especially if l considered it the best conversation ever ...as she qualified it. Yes, same! These are called retreats where I’m at as well. But I wouldn’t run my schedule by somebody whom I’ve never met in person & whom I’ve been talking to for 1 week. If it comes up, fine, but I wouldn’t make a effort telling them. That’s what she probably thought as well and then didn’t give him a heads-up …. no big deal unless it was an excuse which will be difficult to verify 2
Versacehottie Posted June 19, 2022 Posted June 19, 2022 Sorry, per usual, you are getting way too ahead of yourself. To have that sort of lay down the law conversation when you haven't even met????? No no no. 5
ExpatInItaly Posted June 19, 2022 Posted June 19, 2022 40 minutes ago, BrinnM said: But I wouldn’t run my schedule by somebody whom I’ve never met in person & whom I’ve been talking to for 1 week. I agree. These two are still strangers at this point, after all. 1
Alpacalia Posted June 19, 2022 Posted June 19, 2022 (edited) 19 hours ago, Love2Love78 said: Well, she just got back to me. Apparently, she was up until 7am last night for some "church close in" or something for her son. She blew my phone up as soon as she woke up with like 8 texts in 2mins. Called on video chat. She said she'll make time tomorrow, whenever I want. Yay me. I know it seems stupid to be this interested in someone I haven't even seen face to face yet, but I'm very picky. I know this. Yet, she has managed to fit every single thing I need to see, every single bonus so far, and this is the first one I've been excited about since I first started dating. I have a really good feeling, but then again I know I'm mentally challenged when it comes to relationships, so only time will tell. However, I will NEVER deal with what I dealt with in that last one ever again. Thanks so much for the feedback here!!! That's great! Observe healthy texting habits. Maintain a sense of moderation at this point. Excessive intensity is not good. It rushes the relationship along before it's ready. Do not focus on frequency, but rather how you feel about the quality of your interaction as you go forward, such as whether you are appreciated and satisfied, or if you feel overlooked and confused. Edited June 19, 2022 by Alpacalia
Gaeta Posted June 19, 2022 Posted June 19, 2022 22 hours ago, Love2Love78 said: She blew my phone up as soon as she woke up with like 8 texts in 2mins. I remember doing that to a prospect l was talking to...lt was guilt, l was out with someone else the previous night. Let us know how the meeting goes, old skeptic ladies like me need to hear happy stories more often.
Lauriebell82 Posted June 21, 2022 Posted June 21, 2022 (edited) On 6/18/2022 at 1:26 PM, Love2Love78 said: Tons in common, same relationship goals (serious, long-term), etc. Whenever we do talk, it's great. However, she has a habit of not replying to my texts sometimes. Usually messages me at least once a day, but sometimes I'll message her at like 6pm one day, won't hear from her until the next day, sometimes the next evening. Seems to be one or the other - either she replies almost immediately, or she takes hours or days to reply. She did tell me she has ADHD, and I get it because I do too, but I'm interested in her to the point where even when I'm busy, I always remember to get back to her within at least a few hours. She also has kids and seems to have a pretty busy life with them. Regardless, the one and only issue I have so far is how she seems to forget about me sometimes. My boyfriend of almost 5 years is this kind of texter as well. Not much consistency. I am like you...no matter how busy I am I usually try to respond in a timely manner. IMO it speaks to different attachment styles. Usually people who are more anxious try to text either instantly or as soon as they can, AND notice if their partners don't respond in the same manner or messages go unreturned. It's funny because I can usually pick up people's texting patterns right away and I know if they don't return the message right away they are probably more avoidant or even secure. Anxious people usually return texts right away. So basically the question you have to ask yourself is how big of an issue this really is. I know it's been an issue for me across my relationship..it's something I didnt' realize about my boyfriend right away because he DID actually do a good job of returning messages in the beginning of our relationship, but as it progressed he reverted back to his natural texting behavior which is similar to your gal...either he instantly responds or he goes MIA and responds the next day. It's weird to me but it's just him. I have resolved myself to just accept this as I know he does love me and it's not a question of his disinterest. But that was confusing for awhile because I get that response patterns CAN be used to gauge partner's level of interest (which is probably what I gather you are trying to do?) I wouldn't talk to her quite yet..meet her and see if there is anything there and then go from there. Edited June 21, 2022 by Lauriebell82
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