Alvi Posted June 18, 2022 Posted June 18, 2022 I've been talking on and off with this guy on-line for the last three years or so. He asked me out long time ago but we could not agree on where to meet (his choice). Whatever. I wasn't overly heartbroken over him. Anyway, we've been chatting, being more like pen palls than anything else. We usually contact each other every once in a while, perhaps check on each other every three month or so. I tell him my dating woos and he tells me his. Yesterday, he texted me asking how long I would wait for someone to show up for a date. He arranged a date with some woman at a restaurant but she stood him up. I told him, oh well, that's sucky but it happens. He then asked me to meet him at that restaurant instead. I replied that I was busy with something. I felt like he made me a second choice. Obviously, he wanted to meet that one particular woman, not me. Why would he even ask me to come there after she didn't show up? I get it. He felt lonely and hurt when she didn't show up. He could've asked me on a proper date if he was interested in me. But to be someone's replacement? Just no to that. Did he really think I would come and make him forget all about her (he never actually said that, but why else would he ask me to come)? But today, I am having second thoughts. Should I have come and met him? I don't think he is my type but who knows. He knows that I am only looking for a long term relationship, while he is more open to whatever.
Weezy1973 Posted June 18, 2022 Posted June 18, 2022 It doesn’t sound to me like he wanted to meet you as a back up date. More just like friends. And from the sounds of it you two are just friends right? 2
Happy Lemming Posted June 18, 2022 Posted June 18, 2022 Sounds like he fished out his pond and is going over the ones he threw back (rejected). Absolutely "NO" to his (come meet me) request/invite after being stood up. Do you really want to be his Plan C or Plan D?? His exact thought process is "Well I got stood up and I am out... Ummm OK, I guess Alvi will do... let me text her" Don't you want a guy that is excited about dating you, that he can't wait to see you again?? This guy has had 3 years to ask you out. I don't know why you are communicating with him. Do you really need a pen-pal like him?? 44 minutes ago, Alvi said: He asked me out long time ago but we could not agree on where to meet (his choice). Date planning is not rocket science, especially with the internet at his fingertips. After talking to a woman for few minutes, I can suss out her likes and dislikes and craft a date that she will probably like. And when I ask her out, I'll have a (second choice) date idea ready to present if she shoots down my first date plan. 2
stillafool Posted June 18, 2022 Posted June 18, 2022 If we were just friends and I had nothing better to do I would maybe go. Considering you kinda have a romantic interest in him I can see how you would feel like his 2nd choice because you would be. He may just be thinking of you as a friend since you both talk about your dating woos and that's why he asked you. 1
Ami1uwant Posted June 18, 2022 Posted June 18, 2022 1 hour ago, Alvi said: I've been talking on and off with this guy on-line for the last three years or so. He asked me out long time ago but we could not agree on where to meet (his choice). Whatever. I wasn't overly heartbroken over him. Anyway, we've been chatting, being more like pen palls than anything else. We usually contact each other every once in a while, perhaps check on each other every three month or so. I tell him my dating woos and he tells me his. Yesterday, he texted me asking how long I would wait for someone to show up for a date. He arranged a date with some woman at a restaurant but she stood him up. I told him, oh well, that's sucky but it happens. He then asked me to meet him at that restaurant instead. I replied that I was busy with something. I felt like he made me a second choice. Obviously, he wanted to meet that one particular woman, not me. Why would he even ask me to come there after she didn't show up? I get it. He felt lonely and hurt when she didn't show up. He could've asked me on a proper date if he was interested in me. But to be someone's replacement? Just no to that. Did he really think I would come and make him forget all about her (he never actually said that, but why else would he ask me to come)? But today, I am having second thoughts. Should I have come and met him? I don't think he is my type but who knows. He knows that I am only looking for a long term relationship, while he is more open to whatever. This was just friends thing. I don’t know how close he was to you thinking if you just wanted to meet up since he was there. 1
glows Posted June 18, 2022 Posted June 18, 2022 (edited) I wouldn’t meet someone like this. First of all, he’s never asked you out on a date and gone through with it or shown enough interest. Now all of a sudden he’s feeling low and wants to meet you. This is NOT a friend. Since when has he hung out with you or taken the time to spend time as friends? You both complain to one another and have a chat every few months. He’s a stranger. It’s a guy low on his luck and creepy enough to ask you out to the very same venue that some other woman stood him up at. He sucks at friendship and he is horrible at creativity. Why did you even stay in contact with someone like this? Let go of this guy and move on. Edited June 18, 2022 by glows 2
ExpatInItaly Posted June 18, 2022 Posted June 18, 2022 This man sees you as a buddy. Not a romantic interest. Hence he thought nothing of asking you to come and meet him instead. Because your interest in him is evidently stronger than just platonic, it would be wise to distance yourself from him. 3
introverted1 Posted June 18, 2022 Posted June 18, 2022 10 hours ago, Alvi said: Anyway, we've been chatting, being more like pen palls than anything else. We usually contact each other every once in a while, perhaps check on each other every three month or so. I tell him my dating woos and he tells me his. This is a friendship, not a romance. 10 hours ago, Alvi said: He arranged a date with some woman at a restaurant but she stood him up. He then asked me to meet him at that restaurant instead. He was inviting you as a friend, so you could share yet another dating woe. 3
Wiseman2 Posted June 18, 2022 Posted June 18, 2022 10 hours ago, Alvi said: He arranged a date with some woman at a restaurant but she stood him up. I told him, oh well, that's sucky but it happens. He then asked me to meet him at that restaurant instead. I replied that I was busy with something. I felt like he made me a second choice. You made the right call not going. It's somewhat insulting to ask you to babysit him because he got stood up by someone. Put him on the back burner. Especially if you want to date someone and he's just a penpal. 1
bene Posted June 18, 2022 Posted June 18, 2022 (edited) I agree with the others that there’s a strong friendship vibe here. You don’t really discuss your dating woes with someone you’re romantically interested in. Maybe he didn’t really ask you to a date but rather asked you as a friend. In that light it’s appropriate to spontaneously ask a friend to join you after being stood up. Edited June 18, 2022 by bene 2
SingFish Posted June 18, 2022 Posted June 18, 2022 12 hours ago, Alvi said: Should I have come and met him? I don't think he is my type but who knows. He knows that I am only looking for a long term relationship, while he is more open to whatever. Doesn't matter, unless you are prized as a companion ( be it friendship or romance ) don't bother with people who make you feel 'less than' and only call on you as a back-up plan. You can be kind to him in one text message in this situation and get on with your own life. 2
GoldSparkz Posted June 18, 2022 Posted June 18, 2022 It sounds like you have always been an option for this guy. Don't talk to any guy unless you is really into you. Generally men can only focus on one thing at a time, so if he's talking about other women, he isn't that into you. Only date guys you are obsessed with you from the beginning. 1
SumGuy Posted June 18, 2022 Posted June 18, 2022 14 hours ago, Alvi said: .... But today, I am having second thoughts. Should I have come and met him? I don't think he is my type but who knows. He knows that I am only looking for a long term relationship, while he is more open to whatever. You made the right call. Unless you wanted a booty call, as that is pretty much what this was...unless he made it clear this was purely platonic (which I doubt). If a woman did this to me when I was dating (not that I do potential romantic partner pen pal stuff) would have only gone if she paid and was up for a booty call that evening. 2
BaileyB Posted June 18, 2022 Posted June 18, 2022 (edited) 15 hours ago, Alvi said: But today, I am having second thoughts. I wouldn’t. I once had a guy ask me to come meet him at the bar - he was at the bar with friends. I said no, not my thing at all. I want a man who makes the time to meet me properly, I don’t want a hookup. 15 hours ago, Alvi said: He asked me out long time ago but we could not agree on where to meet (his choice). This was your first clue that this was never going to be a relationship. A man who is interested will make the time to meet you. And, it won’t be “my date stood me up, what are you doing tonight?” I’m curious, why are you still corresponding with a man you have never met? Edited June 18, 2022 by BaileyB 1
SingFish Posted June 18, 2022 Posted June 18, 2022 3 hours ago, BaileyB said: I’m curious, why are you still corresponding with a man you have never met? The question is not the correspondence, which is the modern world way of addressing loneliness and connection ( or I would not be here I guess ) It's why assume more to the situation than it is. The problem with a correspondence relationship is that it's really easy to romanticize the gaps. This might be okay in times gone by, when it was difficult to meet a suitor often, but there really are no obstacles to meeting practically anyone on the planet in 2022. 19 hours ago, Alvi said: He could've asked me on a proper date if he was interested in me. But to be someone's replacement? Just no to that. Did he really think I would come and make him forget all about her (he never actually said that, but why else would he ask me to come)? exactly. Your mindset is 100%. 18 hours ago, Happy Lemming said: Date planning is not rocket science, especially with the internet at his fingertips. After talking to a woman for few minutes, I can suss out her likes and dislikes and craft a date that she will probably like. And when I ask her out, I'll have a (second choice) date idea ready to present if she shoots down my first date plan. I don't think you realize how wonderful you are at this stuff! 1
ShyViolet Posted June 18, 2022 Posted June 18, 2022 19 hours ago, Alvi said: Should I have come and met him? I don't think he is my type but who knows. He knows that I am only looking for a long term relationship, while he is more open to whatever. If you're only looking for a long term relationship, then you're barking up the wrong tree in even thinking that this guy is an option. This guy is clearly not interested in you. He never bothered to make a real effort to set up a date with you and has been keeping you as a casual pen pal. He asked you to come meet him as a last-minute backup plan. He talks to you about his dating escapades, which shows that he only sees you as a friend. If you were his type, then something would have happened here in the past 3 years. Stop wasting your time with this. 2
SingFish Posted June 18, 2022 Posted June 18, 2022 3 hours ago, ShyViolet said: Stop wasting your time with this. It's not wasting time to be a friend or 'pen pal' if it meets needs at the time and is healthy. But once it becomes frustrating that's telling you something.
glows Posted June 19, 2022 Posted June 19, 2022 Pen pals is a complete and utter waste of time. He is not a friend. Alvi, this man is taking up too much space in your life and adding confusion. These are things you can do without. 2
bene Posted June 19, 2022 Posted June 19, 2022 On 6/18/2022 at 3:40 PM, bene said: I agree with the others that there’s a strong friendship vibe here. You don’t really discuss your dating woes with someone you’re romantically interested in. Maybe he didn’t really ask you to a date but rather asked you as a friend. In that light it’s appropriate to spontaneously ask a friend to join you after being stood up. I realized only now that you have never actually met in person. In that case the sudden invitation was quite strange. He’s neither your friend nor a candidate for a long term relationship. I’d let it go. 1
smackie9 Posted June 19, 2022 Posted June 19, 2022 Egad this guy is not worth your time...cut him off completely, stop talking to him.
TheFinalWord Posted June 20, 2022 Posted June 20, 2022 Well, it sounds like you are both just friends at this point. Three years! Have you ever met in person? I don't get why you haven't met. Are you far apart or something? It doesn't sound like it from your post, but why have you never met after so much time? If you think you are okay with just friends, then yeah, meet him. It wasn't clear if he was asking you on a date or just to hang out. If you think you still like him, then I think you are going to have to cut him off. Because stuff like this will start to erode your self-esteem. I definitely wouldn't want to be a back up option. But after three years, I would want to meet just to see who I am talking to on the other end for so long haha
stillafool Posted June 20, 2022 Posted June 20, 2022 7 minutes ago, TheFinalWord said: It wasn't clear if he was asking you on a date or just to hang out. To me it sounded more like since he was already there and wanted to know if OP wanted to "hang out". I don't think he would have told her he was stood up if he was looking at it as a rebound date.
TheFinalWord Posted June 20, 2022 Posted June 20, 2022 2 minutes ago, stillafool said: To me it sounded more like since he was already there and wanted to know if OP wanted to "hang out". I don't think he would have told her he was stood up if he was looking at it as a rebound date. Good point. 1
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