A friend of 7 years ended our friendship yesterday - struggling to cope.

[effervescence]

I apologize for how long this post is going to be! 

Last month, a friend (whom I considered to be very close to), became quite angry with me over text message as I cancelled plans only a couple days before we were supposed to spend time together. I quickly recanted when I realized that I had misunderstood my schedule and that I would be able to hang out, but she was already livid and decided to use this opportunity to air her bottled up grievances about my flakiness, and how she can usually expect me to cancel anytime plans are made. There was a slight threat in these messages as well in regards to not wanting to be friends with me for this reason. Of course, I apologized that I made her feel this way, but also gently asked her if she could provide an example of a time when I had flaked on her, as I honestly could not remember the last time I did. As a result of the pandemic for the past two years, I wasn't hanging out with a lot of friends in general, and could certainly remember the times that we hung out. And because they were so few, and I remember being there for all the times that she had wanted to meet up. She was not able to provide a concrete example, and merely said that "there must have been a history of this for me to feel this way." 

As a generality, whenever someone tells me that I've hurt or upset them, I genuinely try to put myself in their shoes before becoming defensive. I try to look back at any of my possible past offences and understand where they are coming from. But in this case, I found it difficult to go through that process as my friend was not providing me with any concrete instances in which I could examine my behaviour and learn from it (and apologize for it!) 

I expressed in these conversations that I was admittedly struggling mentally, and while I did not want to use that as an excuse as to why I wasn't more respectful of her time, that I had been going through a lot and struggling to open up to anyone about it, until things became bad. As one result, I had become disorganized with my schedule. She acknowledged that while I'm not obligated to tell anyone anything, that as my friend, she felt hurt that I didn't come to her with these issues before the worsened. I agreed that I did want to be more open moving forward.

In any case, I knew that she was still hurting, so I genuinely apologized and asked if I could have the opportunity to work on this, as I valued our friendship very much. While I was feeling real remorse for having made her feel like I wasn't valuing our friendship or her time, it nagged at me that she had completely exploded at me throughout this whole discussion. The words and phrasing she used were cold and laced only with anger. I struggled to comprehend if a lack of compassion or a seeming desire to understand me, was warranted, given how I made her feel. 

We eventually met up a couple of days later and seemingly made up. I was ready to delve deeper into a discussion about our friendship, but she was oddly cool about it all and told me that she had said everything she needed to say over text. We had what seemed like a regular hangout, in which we were able to joke around and just talk about life. 

Earlier this June, she mentioned (over text) that she and her partner were solidifying plans of moving in together. She mentioned her stresses and grievances about finances, her partner's readiness to be independent from his parents, and other expected points of discussion in relation to a major milestone related to moving in with a partner for the first time. Of course, I was happy and excited for them, and I also wanted to take this opportunity to show my support for her as a friend because we had just gone through a rocky time last month. I asked her several questions over text about the location/neighbourhood that they found their condo in, if they've gotten furniture yet, etc. All of these messages were responded to days later, and often in a very short manner. 

To my shock yesterday, she texted me to say that she was bothered by my line of questioning. She said that it sounded like I was doing "research" on how much she and her partner were paying, and that made her uncomfortable. When I expressed that that was not my intention at all and that I was merely curious and wanting to know more, she wasn't willing to accept this. She brought up an occurrence that happened in January, in which she had landed a new job, and I had sent her a pay scale grid, asking her if she was making the salary that I was seeing on this pay scale. She mentioned that she was put off by this, and that in fact, she did not even want to tell me exactly which position she got, because she "knew" I would do something invasive like this. I profusely apologized for having overstepped that boundary and expressed that I did not realize that this was something that could have the potential to offend her. The thing is, no boundary about finances had been previously established. In fact, we would often discuss quite candidly about salaries and financial situations, so it didn't even cross my mind that bringing up her new salary was not something she would be okay with. 

I was incredibly hurt that someone whom I thought was a good, close friend, would jump to the conclusion that I was trying to invade her financial privacy. I wasn't even worth the benefit of the doubt anymore for her. 

She expressed to me that at the foundation of it all, she doesn't trust me anymore and that she's wary of me. When I asked her why, she could not provide any particular reason. She merely said that there must have been instances throughout our 7 years of friendship that have culminated in her feeling this way towards me. I asked if it was because of my history of being a closed book until things got really bad, and she said she didn't know. I asked if it was because there were some major trips/opportunities that she thought we could do together that I ultimately ended up backing away from (within a reasonable time frame), and she said she wasn't sure. She plainly expressed that this friendship was not worth her time or effort anymore to repair, and that she trusted her gut feeling about me being distrustful or dishonest. 

I had felt over a period of time that she was pulling away, but I assumed it was merely because we were growing apart and that my lifestyle (of working a lot) and schedule were becoming incompatible with what she needed from a close friend. I feel shell-shocked. I did not expect this, and certainly did not expect that she would bash my character and approach this in such a seething manner. It shakes me to my core that she has been feeling like this even prior to last month's initial confrontation, and that any semblance of care or affection was either falsified or forced. 

If you've read this far, I'm so grateful to you. If you have advice or insight in regards to how I can move forward from this, I would so deeply appreciate it. 

[stillafool]

7 minutes ago, effervescence said:

She plainly expressed that this friendship was not worth her time or effort anymore to repair, and that she trusted her gut feeling about me being distrustful or dishonest. 

I would gladly let her go and wish her the best.  It sounds like she was looking for any shabby excuse to end the friendship for whatever reason.  Don't cry over losing someone who doesn't value you enough to have a conversation, work things out and resume the friendship.   All you can do is remove her info from your phone and files and move on.  Do not try to make her change her mind.

[glows]

Sending her the pay grade scale was pretty weird. Avoid discussing pay grades and salaries with people, period. It’s never any of your business and while you might have been looking out for her it’s going overboard. She can look out for herself on those basic aspects. 

Also avoid saying you’re sorry you made someone feel a certain way. It sounds trite and also irritating because what you’re saying is I’m sorry that you feel upset not sorry for what you have done. See the difference? It’s not genuine remorse and just paying someone lip service. 

Anyway, I think you’re not getting along and leave her alone. You’ve grown apart. I cringed a bit when you had wanted to talk about the friendship. In future keep your friendships light and more about connecting on shared similarities rather than drama. Just drop that stuff and carry on. Meet new people and make other friends.

[effervescence]

1 hour ago, glows said:

Sending her the pay grade scale was pretty weird. Avoid discussing pay grades and salaries with people, period. It’s never any of your business and while you might have been looking out for her it’s going overboard. She can look out for herself on those basic aspects. 

Also avoid saying you’re sorry you made someone feel a certain way. It sounds trite and also irritating because what you’re saying is I’m sorry that you feel upset not sorry for what you have done. See the difference? It’s not genuine remorse and just paying someone lip service. 

Anyway, I think you’re not getting along and leave her alone. You’ve grown apart. I cringed a bit when you had wanted to talk about the friendship. In future keep your friendships light and more about connecting on shared similarities rather than drama. Just drop that stuff and carry on. Meet new people and make other friends.

 

Thanks for your response. In regards to the pay grade scale, I suppose that was top of mind for me because within that week or sometime around then, she had asked me how much I make with my job. I guess she didn't send me a pay grade scale, but I thought since she asked me about mine that was it was fine to discuss hers. I would normally never ask someone about their salary, but based on our history, we've always discussed very private things - finances, sex, bodily functions - it was established that we were comfortable with those kind of topics, but I had no idea that her feelings had changed, at least when it came to money. In our conversations today, she did admit that she could have brought that up with me sooner. But yeah, I guess it's unfortunate that she didn't, because I was still naively thinking that we had that type of closeness.

And I didn't phrase the apology part correctly - I always make sure to apologize for the action it self, which I made sure to do with her. I suppose what I meant to say is that it horrified me that my actions had made her feel that her privacy was invaded, because I would never want to do that to anyone. Of course, I did make sure to directly apologize for being disrespectful of her privacy. 

Haha I thought our friendship was light and connected on our similarities until yesterday, but I guess these things happen and come to light, and I can only try to be a better person from there.

I appreciate your perspective. 

 

Edited June 16, 2022 by effervescence

[glows]

18 minutes ago, effervescence said:

 

Thanks for your response. In regards to the pay grade scale, I suppose that was top of mind for me because within that week or sometime around then, she had asked me how much I make with my job. I guess she didn't send me a pay grade scale, but I thought since she asked me about mine that was it was fine to discuss hers. I would normally never ask someone about their salary, but based on our history, we've always discussed very private things - finances, sex, bodily functions - it was established that we were comfortable with those kind of topics, but I had no idea that her feelings had changed, at least when it came to money. In our conversations today, she did admit that she could have brought that up with me sooner. But yeah, I guess it's unfortunate that she didn't, because I was still naively thinking that we had that type of closeness.

And I didn't phrase the apology part correctly - I always make sure to apologize for the action it self, which I made sure to do with her. I suppose what I meant to say is that it horrified me that my actions had made her feel that her privacy was invaded, because I would never want to do that to anyone. Of course, I did make sure to directly apologize for being disrespectful of her privacy. 

Haha I thought our friendship was light and connected on our similarities until yesterday, but I guess these things happen and come to light, and I can only try to be a better person from there.

I appreciate your perspective. 

 

You can only be your genuine self then and I think it takes a lot to admit when you’re wrong and apologize in the first place. I wouldn’t keep trying for this friendship if it’s one sided. She seems to have a whole list of things against you and keeps referring to feeling uneasy. Give her a lot of space and distance yourself. She’s entitled to feeling uneasy and moving on with her life. You don’t need to be around people who keep thinking the worst of you either. 

[ShyViolet]

It certainly does sound like this friendship needs to end.  If she is going to become so bizarrely angry and aggressive towards you, then maybe she has other issues behind all this that have nothing to do with you.  This is not a person that you need in your life any longer.  Maintain your self-respect and don't ever be anyone's doormat or let anyone treat you badly.  Be thankful that you won't be dealing with this anymore, and move forward.  Occupy your time with new hobbies or making new friends.

[stillafool]

On 6/16/2022 at 5:19 PM, effervescence said:

she had asked me how much I make with my job.

Why didn't you tell her this when she went off on you about it?  At least it would have jogged her memory.  She had a list of things she doesn't like about you.  I'm surprised you got back in touch with her after the way she talked to you and ended the friendship.  Is there a reason you can't let this friend go?  

 

On 6/16/2022 at 10:40 AM, effervescence said:

She plainly expressed that this friendship was not worth her time or effort anymore to repair, and that she trusted her gut feeling about me being distrustful or dishonest. 

So why did you contact her again after she told you this?  She made it clear how she feels about you.  This wasn't just a tiff.

[IrinaM]

Do you mind me asking- because I couldn't figure out from your post-are you both women? Or is this a male-female friendship?

[effervescence]

On 6/17/2022 at 6:39 PM, stillafool said:

Why didn't you tell her this when she went off on you about it?  At least it would have jogged her memory.  She had a list of things she doesn't like about you.  I'm surprised you got back in touch with her after the way she talked to you and ended the friendship.  Is there a reason you can't let this friend go?  

 

So why did you contact her again after she told you this?  She made it clear how she feels about you.  This wasn't just a tiff.

Hi, thanks for all of your responses. I apologize as I didn't do a very good job of being clear about the timeline/when things actually happened. 

My partner actually reminded me about the fact that she had asked me about my own salary, as he was present - this was during a double date with her partner. It only jogged my memory about the event in that moment, and this much after our text conversation. 

She continued to text me after she said that she didn't want to be friends anymore, I guess to justify her reasons. Everything I said in that post was in response to her continuing to speak with me. Of course if she had said that she no longer wanted to speak about the situation I would've let it go, but she continued to message me, so I continued to engage. 

 

I'm feeling a bit better about the situation now - it still hurts, but I'm processing it day by day, and moving on really is the only thing I can do (and try to do better in the areas that I know I lacked). 

[effervescence]

On 6/17/2022 at 7:12 PM, IrinaM said:

Do you mind me asking- because I couldn't figure out from your post-are you both women? Or is this a male-female friendship?

Thanks for asking! We are both female.