Versacehottie Posted June 26, 2022 Posted June 26, 2022 (edited) 5 hours ago, Broonie71 said: Thanks more wise words. I'll suggest a drink - knowing my luck she'll be Tee-Total now though lol Saying this to help you about the bolded above: I know you make a self-deprecating joke about it, but if you don't have self-belief, how can you "sell" anyone else on a dating relationship with you? Or any kind really? You've got to stop this or rather build a positive outlook on what you are capable of and "your luck". See it's exactly why you feel like taking the timid approach, not feeling as if you really belong in a relationship with her, keeping her (or others on a pedestal),,etc etc. I could go on and on. If it seems like a leap to you to be confident and have self-belief that everything will be fine (and that you will MANAGE well even if things don't go the way you hope with her), try to take it to just NEUTRAL rather than negative. Right now you create an uphill battle because of your own personal lack of belief in yourself. It will and does color your actions, decisions and thought processes. Too much mind drama and fretting. All this strategizing aka overthinking really hasn't helped you in the past, so you need to try a different approach. Neutral can be telling yourself that this person or that person seems to have achieved whatever it is that you want, and then look for concrete ways that might have happened for them. Or to do action and experiences in your life where you collect real life evidence (without the negative thought patterns guiding you) of if something you try works or not. And then tinker with those actions vs keeping your thought patterns negative and adding more negative (falsely-drawn) conclusions to the pile. While I make a big deal out of it shouldn't be coffee, I totally like wiseman's idea that it could be any of the three and nice for her to choose with you. I absolutely like not boxing yourself in based on car repairs, any specific dates, times, places. In fact, probably the best thing you could or should say is: "We have to get together/meet up/go out"---whatever the right lingo is for you two. And when she responds in the affirmative, then switch to making a plan WITH HER about the logistics of time/place/venue. Lol in that scenario once you get to that stage, I'm for the non-coffee date but it does allow her to participate in the decision. Most guys that mess this up usually just say "we should meet up" and then girl isn't overly enthusiastic or leaves it in his court to finalize plans and it turns into a miscommunication where the plans never materialize for that reason. So when she is positive about the idea, just jump into making the plans with her. I keep saying it but I think for you personally since your confidence wavers, the more you treat this like she is a good friend whose company you enjoy, the better i think YOU will do. You are nervous precisely because you are looking too far down the line at "what this means" and therefore weighting each action and encounter too heavily--amp's the pressure way up and you either don't have the confidence or experience to manage that pressure or are so into this girl that you can't think straight under those circumstances. So you need to find ways to dial it down and break it into smaller steps. Good luck *and yes like wiseman said you need to be flexible and nimble; able to think on your feet! Edited June 26, 2022 by Versacehottie 2 1
Author Broonie71 Posted June 26, 2022 Author Posted June 26, 2022 Taking into account all the advice, was thinking something like "Hi - was thinking we should meet up for a drink.... are you free this weekend and if so when best suits?" Kinda shows (to me anyway) that I want to take to the next stage, and drink can be tea/coffee/wine etc, and also gives her the opportunity to have a say in the time (assuming she wants to)... Even if she isnt free this weekend coming, then at least it keeps the option open... 1
Wiseman2 Posted June 26, 2022 Posted June 26, 2022 29 minutes ago, Broonie71 said: Taking into account all the advice, was thinking something like "Hi - was thinking we should meet up for a drink.... are you free this weekend and if so when best suits?" That's a good start. Not to heavy, too the point and flexible. See how that goes and take it from there. 1
Author Broonie71 Posted June 28, 2022 Author Posted June 28, 2022 (edited) So I messaged asking if she'd like to meet for a drink/lunch this weekend, and she "respectfully declined". Now I knew she has a back injury she is recovering from so she said that once better then maybe a few of the team we were in can get together for a catchup. Which tells me she doesnt want any more then at best friendship, even when she is better, which is fine. I wont revisit her now as I think she isnt interested tbh.... Least I didnt make a fool of myself. I didnt respond saying it was a date or anything hence just the 2 of us, as I dont think that would sway her lol Ah well.... onwards and upwards.... Thanks for your suggestions and advice... Edited June 28, 2022 by Broonie71 2 1
Versacehottie Posted June 28, 2022 Posted June 28, 2022 5 hours ago, Broonie71 said: So I messaged asking if she'd like to meet for a drink/lunch this weekend, and she "respectfully declined". Now I knew she has a back injury she is recovering from so she said that once better then maybe a few of the team we were in can get together for a catchup. Which tells me she doesnt want any more then at best friendship, even when she is better, which is fine. I wont revisit her now as I think she isnt interested tbh.... Least I didnt make a fool of myself. I didnt respond saying it was a date or anything hence just the 2 of us, as I dont think that would sway her lol Ah well.... onwards and upwards.... Thanks for your suggestions and advice... aww sorry to hear it. I do think you are correct when she mentioned getting together with the "team" as well as citing a back injury. ok onward & upward...so what I would say in general is you have to invest in yourself so that you are consistently presenting yourself as confident. While you got good ideas and tips here, to strategize asking her out, it's all the little stuff on how you present yourself in the world that will make the difference with dating success...In other words, if there was a perfect strategy to get someone to say yes to a date, it can't overcome what impression they have of you, which has already been made. As well as with even someone you meet on a dating app or who is a stranger to you, the consistent investment and work you do to improve your self esteem and confidence will really help. What you want to do is become the best you and assured so you are sending the message out every day as you go about your business. You will run into people along the way that will be attracted to you because of it; and it's like putting money in the bank for when you need to access it. Like a perfect strategy for getting date one, might get you that date, and then what? All of it is practice for you being able to lean on it when you are under a pressure situation and also so people you would be attracted to don't pass you by. Ok hope you will work on it. & keep your spirits up. She's not the be all, end all. Good luck 1 1
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