For the life of me I can't figure out what she wants or why she did/said what she did.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Samcro said:

Just painting a picture why she maybe does what she does...seeking affirmation

And also that she stayed in a toxic relationship way too long. 

He was horrible, it seems, but something inside her wanted to keep him. That's not to say she deserved any ill treatment all, but rather that you might be dealing with a woman who's got a host of her own issues to sort out. 

 

[Lotsgoingon]

Then she suggested stuff like dinnners and movie nights. Referring to it as a dinner date after we finished eating.

This is early on in your summary. Red flag, red flag, red flag. Stop right there. Something is wrong when someone retroactively labels something a date without a discussion with you to see if you feel the same.

Something is wrong with this woman. Her energy is ALL over the place. Most likely, she "rejected you" because she chases the next high and she went on to some other guy, who'll she'll be all-over-the-place with ... and he'll be as confused as you ... and then she'll be on to the next person.

You don't need to know "why" of this kind of behavior. It's weird. Trust that feeling. But if you want to know what's up, it's that she's immature and manipulative and flaky and all over the place and confused--all with enough charm to throw you off. But don't be charmed. And the way she behaved toward you makes me suspect her story that her bf cheated on her. I simply don't trust this person. 

[stillafool]

The next time she comes over to borrow a cigarette give her a pack and tell her "oh here, this ought to last you 6 months".  What a sucky excuse to see you.  Doesn't she know as expensive as cigs are now people aren't giving them out anymore.  She needs to support her own habits.

[salparadise]

23 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Im curious though, what is stopping you from just pulling back the curtain and calling all of this out?

^^^ This. She is occupying waaaay to much space your head. I'd nix it one way or another. It she ain't wanting to tango, you need to move on past.

[IrinaM]

3 hours ago, stillafool said:

The next time she comes over to borrow a cigarette give her a pack and tell her "oh here, this ought to last you 6 months".  What a sucky excuse to see you.  Doesn't she know as expensive as cigs are now people aren't giving them out anymore.  She needs to support her own habits.

Lol I thought the same thing. what is this 1992?? with the price of cigarettes and the economy i can't believe the nerve of anyone to try and bum a cigarette.

[Esther_lib]

I agree with many on here that there are serious issues with this woman. If you just keeping distance is not enough, tell her to stop. Say that what she is doing is not ok with you and breaking healthy boundaries. Then next time walk the other direction when she approaches. She could well be playing victim to get men to be with her. Run.

Edited June 16, 2022 by Esther YN

[Wiseman2]

On 6/15/2022 at 5:59 AM, Samcro said:

I am trying, but it seems difficult and not to make much of a difference.

Be cordial but discontinue with coffee, cigarettes, etc.  Similar to feeding stray cats that come around, when you stop they'll go elsewhere.

Be neighbors. Date other women if you are ready, but this would be messy if you asked her out again. 

[Samcro]

On 6/15/2022 at 5:22 PM, Alpacalia said:

I get the impression that you want (or at least are trying to) get inside her head in order to figure out why she acts the way she does, but you shouldn't fall for it.

I suspect you are also attracted to her flirting with you on some level. How long has it been since you broke up with your ex? There seems to be some exploitation that's going on here on/from her end, and maybe you're a tad more tolerant of an attractive (I'm guessing) woman being overly sexual towards you than you should be.

The little crumbs of interest that she leaves on your figurative windscreen may lull you into thinking she's interested and wants to date you when she gets around to it. That is, it gives you hope for something that most likely won't happen.

By disregarding her attempts to communicate with you, moving on, and saying goodbye, you respect your own needs. She doesn't seem interested in connecting on a personal level.

Who knows why she chooses not to date you properly? Perhaps she felt rejected after she came on to you all those times and teased you about going out on a date, and you initially declined. So now, she is being a jerk. 

Keep in mind too - her intention was to come on to you before turning around and saying, "Oh, I just consider you my friend."

A genuine friend wouldn't act like this toward you.

Lastly, would you even want to consider dating a person that makes such overt come-ons without any sense of restraint?

I mean, this woman does not respect you or your personal space in the slightest.

I suggest you set some hard boundaries here.

Of course I'm attracted to flirting. I'm not a stone, geez.

This started about 6 months after me and my ex broke up.

I also thought that I may have taken too long to react to her 'coming on'. Firstly I don't go around thinking that every girl/woman that smiles or talk to me are interested in me or are flirting. I would just brush it off and carry on. She never suggested we going on a date. She teased me about me going on a date when I tell her I'm busy that evening. Then during that suppose date she will text me. That following weekend is when she came over the Friday and Saturday evening. The Saturday evening is when she played the Halestorm song to me.

[Samcro]

On 6/15/2022 at 5:28 PM, ExpatInItaly said:

And also that she stayed in a toxic relationship way too long. 

He was horrible, it seems, but something inside her wanted to keep him. That's not to say she deserved any ill treatment all, but rather that you might be dealing with a woman who's got a host of her own issues to sort out. 

 

I thought the same. She suffers from anxiety attacks. She also burst out in tears a few times when talking about stuff that upset her or how she must always do everything alone. So issues is plenty I suppose.

[Samcro]

On 6/15/2022 at 11:44 PM, stillafool said:

The next time she comes over to borrow a cigarette give her a pack and tell her "oh here, this ought to last you 6 months".  What a sucky excuse to see you.  Doesn't she know as expensive as cigs are now people aren't giving them out anymore.  She needs to support her own habits.

I don't give the smokes for free. I let her pay for it.

[Alpacalia]

35 minutes ago, Samcro said:

Of course I'm attracted to flirting. I'm not a stone, geez.

This started about 6 months after me and my ex broke up.

I also thought that I may have taken too long to react to her 'coming on'. Firstly I don't go around thinking that every girl/woman that smiles or talk to me are interested in me or are flirting. I would just brush it off and carry on. She never suggested we going on a date. She teased me about me going on a date when I tell her I'm busy that evening. Then during that suppose date she will text me. That following weekend is when she came over the Friday and Saturday evening. The Saturday evening is when she played the Halestorm song to me.

Thank you for clearing that up. So she was teasing you about you "going on a date." Got it.

Look. While flirting occasionally is fine, if she seems to be constantly teasing you and declining date invitations, she is seeking your approval and your attention.

Judging by your photo, you're a handsome man. There are some women who have been conditioned to be wary of attractive men. Perhaps she feels intimidated by you.

However, I can only speculate.

In either case, you made the common mistake of assuming "she wants my attention" to mean "she wants to date and/or shag," and you thus made an advance. You might try telling her: "Look, if you're not interested, I'd appreciate it if you didn't act like that around me."

 

Edited June 17, 2022 by Alpacalia

[Samcro]

22 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

In either case, you made the common mistake of assuming "she wants my attention" to mean "she wants to date and/or shag," and you thus made an advance. You might try telling her: "Look, if you're not interested, I'd appreciate it if you didn't act like that around me."

I was thinking more in the line of if your not interested then leave me alone......please (for the sake of being polite).

I don't have time for things in my life that doesn't amount to anything or have anything in it for me. Saying this I have this need to understand why people do/say what they do. It's a Taurus introvert thing. Not to say that I don't help where I can. Most that know me well enough knows this.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Samcro said:

I thought the same. She suffers from anxiety attacks. She also burst out in tears a few times when talking about stuff that upset her or how she must always do everything alone. So issues is plenty I suppose.

Hence why you would be wise to steer clear of this woman. 

[Samcro]

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Hence why you would be wise to steer clear of this woman. 

Then we should steer clear of everyone in this world! 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, Samcro said:

Then we should steer clear of everyone in this world! 

No, just the ones who display obvious sigsn of other problems they don't have under control. 

Look, if you like the attention then have at it. But don't be surprised if you get burned along the way. 

[Alpacalia]

19 minutes ago, Samcro said:

I was thinking more in the line of if your not interested then leave me alone......please (for the sake of being polite).

I don't have time for things in my life that doesn't amount to anything or have anything in it for me. Saying this I have this need to understand why people do/say what they do. It's a Taurus introvert thing. Not to say that I don't help where I can. Most that know me well enough knows this.

 

Regardless of how you choose to phrase it, be direct. Tell her to stop texting you, following you, or whatever she is doing at the moment. 

Disempowering her involves taking away her control over the situation.

[glows]

3 hours ago, Samcro said:

I was thinking more in the line of if your not interested then leave me alone......please (for the sake of being polite).

I don't have time for things in my life that doesn't amount to anything or have anything in it for me. Saying this I have this need to understand why people do/say what they do. It's a Taurus introvert thing. Not to say that I don't help where I can. Most that know me well enough knows this.

 

She is not interested. She’s just toying with you. If she’s not accepting any dates and stutters or declines when you ask her out, she has never intended to date you. Plus she has a male somebody who stops by and visits. She seems to be seeing someone. Take the hint. Distance yourself and move on. 

She seems emotional also bursting into tears and complaining she has to do things alone. As she’s a single parent she’s also no doubt thinking of her child. 

You likely grew attached in the short time you knew her and are interpreting her neediness and emotional outbursts as attractive vulnerability but it’s probably not what you need in a stable long term relationship. The problem is you interpreting these as attractive traits in a partner.

[stillafool]

8 hours ago, Samcro said:

She suffers from anxiety attacks. She also burst out in tears a few times when talking about stuff that upset her or how she must always do everything alone. So issues is plenty I suppose.

This woman sounds unstable.  You would do well to stay away from her before she gets upset with you about something you have no idea about.  Seriously, she sounds like that type.  Maybe it would be good to bring a date home so she gets the message that you're not interested in her other than being neighborly.

[Maldives]

On 6/15/2022 at 12:23 AM, Samcro said:

She’s my neighbor since me and the ex moved in here. Back then she was also in a relationship. Had a kid in this time. She caught him with another woman in bed and threw him out. She use to come over and visit my ex. I never really spoke to her. Sometime after me and the ex broke up she started asking for me favors. Simple stuff in and around the house. Then she suggested stuff like dinnners and movie nights. Referring to it as a dinner date after we finished eating. Sometimes asking if I’m making coffee and then coming over. Asking for a cigarette and when I get to the gate, to give it to her, she will have a bottle of wine in her hand. That will end up with listening music till late. With all of this I noticed some stuff she does or says. Always looking in my eyes when we talk. Facing me with her torso and legs, feet pointing towards me. Leaning towards me when we talk. Always saying something like my lips is so dry and then put lip gloss on. Telling very personal stuff about herself: I only wear g-strings, it’s(you know) shaved, it’s that time of the month. Always have an excuse for me to touch her: feel my legs it’s shaved, my hair is so soft, look at my nails it’s so long (I take her hand and she will only take it away once I take my hand away). Putting the kids plastic toy ring on her ring finger and ask me how does my enganement ring look. Asking about changing her hair colour, how her legs look when she’s wearing shorts. Showing me pictures of her photoshoot in a white bikini and commenting about her one photo, ‘nice blowjob lips’. Playing songs like KJ & Jojo - All my life, Halestorm – All I wanna do is make love to you. During this I can see her, out the corner of my eye, looking at me. I look and she looks away.

Twice she started teasing me about going on dates after I told her I had plans the evening. During one of these ‘so called dates’, she messaged me saying that she had a lot of food left over and I must come fetch for breakfast the next day. I didn’t read the message and only replied once back home. Pulling into my driveway I noticed she’s still up and the front door open. Weird as she’s normally in bed by that time with lights off, alarm on. I replied thanks I’ll get it the next day for lunch. 5 Minutes later her house is dark. This was during the week. That Friday and Saturday she came over to my place. Can’t even remember the reasons she had. That Saturday evening is when she played the Halestorm song to me.

Shortly after this, I asked her out. She rejected me. She said, ‘You such a good friend to me and this friendship means so much to me’. The first time I ever was referred to as a friend during all of this. I then told her that I cannot be friends with her when I want something more. I explained that is wrong of me towards her, and myself, and I will not do that to her. I also told her that I’m not angry towards her. It’s a decision that she made, and I respect that. I could see that she’s absolutely broken. Close to tears. Minutes later her house was dark, alarm on, obviously went of to bed. This was still early in the evening.

She then avoided and ignored me. I even saw a guy visiting her the following weekend that was last at her place when me and my ex was still together. I only saw him once and never again afterwards. Three weeks into ignoring/avoiding me she one day waved at me while I was in front of my house and she outside in her yard. She then said merry xmas and happy new year. I smiled and said thank you same to you. That next week she texted me asking if I can send my mothers number to her mother as her mother lost it. Her mother has a cleaning business and was going to clean my parents’ place. She had this long message explaining everything. Why, you asked and I will send it? Nothing more to it. Few days afterwards she asked if I had a cigarette for her. I replied that if you have one rand then I have a cigarette for you. I just reckoned no more freebees. This is going on for a while now. I started noticing she’s always making conversation when she’s fetching the cigarette. Telling me either about something of work, the little one’s school or just anything really. She came over to ask about my new car that’s standing in my driveway. It’s so nice and all that stuff.

She told her kid very abruptly, ‘he’s going out’, after the kid asked if she could come greed me while I was getting in my car all dressed up one evening in the week. This was after she looked up when I greeted them while she was locking her garage door coming back from work that evening.

Sending me a text the very next day after I came back from a 2 week work trip saying, ‘Hi stranger!’. I replied Hi and then nothing from her. Maybe cause I only replied 2 hours later, but I was busy sorting stuff out at home and didn’t hear the phone.

One evening she asked me if I can have a look at her outside light not working as it’s very dark. I go over and while looking at it it started working. She then tells me I have the magic touch. I replied well do you think my ex was with me for my looks.

The past weekend I was moving a desk in the house because I got a new one. The old one is very heavy and I cannot move it alone. I decided to ask her for help. Seconds later she’s here, all smiles and talking non-stop. Once in the house she says you asked me cause of my muscles. I just laughed and said what muscles. After moving the desks she makes a muscle and leans towards me saying, ‘feel, feel’. I must now feel her bicep.

So, I don’t know what she wants. I cannot for the life of me figure it out.

This is the type of woman that will just drive you crazy. I have a friend like that and that's all we are. Believe her when she said it the first time. Having said that, I don't think she knows what she wants. Maybe attention.