anotherconfusedlover Posted October 24, 2005 Posted October 24, 2005 My ex hurt me alot when she left. A few days after she was with someone new and lied extensively about it. When I talk to her she says she is going thru the same things as me. She says that she cares as much as I do. If she is with someone else could she really be telling the truth? She says she wants me to continue to be in her life. I feel that it is very likely she feels that if I was to change to be more of the guy she wanted then we could get back together. And honestly I want to be the type of guy that she would want, someone who is more social and easygoing. Our relationship involved alot of stress because we were both trying to establish ourselves in some place new. I spent my energy adjusting to a new very demanding job, she spent her energy on making new friends and being social. I was very much the bread winner. Any advice on transitioning to being a friend but at the same time thinking that maybe one day?? I mean I wouldn't let my feeling for her stop me from meeting someone else. But it seems with my own personal experience that once you experience a deep connection with someone that that connection could instantly reiginite given the right circumstances. Is that only wishful thinking, has anyone experienced a similiar situation?
J dub Posted October 24, 2005 Posted October 24, 2005 >When I talk to her she says she is going thru the same things as me. She says that she cares as much as I do Oh yeah? She cares so much she's still w/ the other dude? Yeah, that sounds about how much you care for her (sarcasm) >She says she wants me to continue to be in her life She wants to keep tabs on you, you know...the whole "I dont want you but no one else can have you either" situation a lot of the dumpers go thru. >I feel that it is very likely she feels that if I was to change to be more of the guy she wanted then we could get back together But in the meantime? She'll be out doin whats-his-name while youre "working on yourself" and then what? She'll probably decide you are better off as "friends" >And honestly I want to be the type of guy that she would want, someone who is more social and easygoing So she wants u to be someone youre not? Thats an attractive feature. >Our relationship involved alot of stress because we were both trying to establish ourselves in some place new. I spent my energy adjusting to a new very demanding job, she spent her energy on making new friends and being social That is also known as "living your life". >Any advice on transitioning to being a friend but at the same time thinking that maybe one day? Psh, yeah..good luck with that. She'll never suddenly decide to take u back unless she has a chance to MISS you. > I mean I wouldn't let my feeling for her stop me from meeting someone else As long as you have running dialogue with her, youre going to be blinded to anyone out there who's a potential mate. You'll be too busy pining away for her while shes out having fun. Dude...c'mon...is this seriously how you want to live? Dont YOU think you deserve to have fun? >But it seems with my own personal experience that once you experience a deep connection with someone that that connection could instantly reiginite given the right circumstances Those circumstances being Strict No contact, and giving her space. And you should be moving on right about...oh...NOW, seeing as she already has. Youre waiting for a train that has already left the station. >Is that only wishful thinking Yes sir, sorry but youre only kidding yourself here.
Author anotherconfusedlover Posted October 24, 2005 Author Posted October 24, 2005 >When I talk to her she says she is going thru the same things as me. She says that she cares as much as I do Oh yeah? She cares so much she's still w/ the other dude? Yeah, that sounds about how much you care for her (sarcasm) Psh, yeah..good luck with that. She'll never suddenly decide to take u back unless she has a chance to MISS you. >Is that only wishful thinking Yes sir, sorry but youre only kidding yourself here. jdub I apperciate your input and I agree with most of your opinion, but maybe two people can still have love for each other but be apart and experiencing things with other people? I have been in 3 serious possible lifetime relationships and have found that if I am forgiving and supportive that I could remain to be a good friend. Maybe the source of all our disappointment and cynisism comes from our ego and desire to be superior? I'll be honest, it is a drag to think of how she left me and is with someone else but at the same time I can forgive her and understand her frame of mind. Wouldn't it be a perfect world if we could all just turn the other cheek and empathasize with those who do us harm? Easier said than done for sure! But you only live once and you might as well try your hardest even if it hurts now. I can meet someone new to have fun with, its not hard if you are young and have some backbone. In fact its as natural as the sun shining. BTW, you're cool JDUB I've read alot of what you had to say. I'm curious about what you think about what I'm saying, couldn't just pure forgiveness be the answer? I do love this girl but I love other people too and that feels to be right.
J dub Posted October 24, 2005 Posted October 24, 2005 >but maybe two people can still have love for each other but be apart and experiencing things with other people? Absolutely! But that doesnt mean that you are going to regain yourself in the relationship w/ her, it only means she is confused and right now youre on the backburner. For her, thats great. For you? Not so hot (no pun intended) >I have been in 3 serious possible lifetime relationships and have found that if I am forgiving and supportive that I could remain to be a good friend Again, you bet. But right now, you need to work on yourself and healing. You can be friends at a later time once you've cleared some of the fogginess from your heart (also known as pain/resentment) and can come to the table with a clean slate, not all tarnished with negative feelings. >Maybe the source of all our disappointment and cynisism comes from our ego and desire to be superior? This most definitely applies to some people, however theres a difference between desiring superiority, and simply demanding respect. By being a doormat, no one is going to bother giving you a second thought. There's certain boundaries you just cant let yourself cross unless you dont mind putting your personal dignity in jeopardy...which you really shouldnt ever do. Not for someone who has already left you out in the cold. They should be trying to make it up to YOU, not the other way around!!! >I'll be honest, it is a drag to think of how she left me and is with someone else but at the same time I can forgive her and understand her frame of mind. Forgive her all you want, but do it for yourself and not so you can try to weasel your way back into her life (by justifying your actions with thoughts such as the ones you suggested). >Wouldn't it be a perfect world if we could all just turn the other cheek and empathasize with those who do us harm? Dont think that's not already happening every single day all around us, because not everyone is holding grudges and allowing hate to rule their lives. Be smart, do yourself a favor and turn the other cheek, take the lesson you've learned from this relationship and apply to to someone who wants to be with you, not whats-his-face. >But you only live once and you might as well try your hardest even if it hurts now. By intentionally subjecting yourself to the battlefield is more like suicide than anything else. Youre kidding yourself at this point if you think that by telling you you forgive her, that it'll be enough to get the wheels in her head turning into the direction of coming back to you. She'll simply see her actions as being acceptable in your eyes, and that'll probably be enough for her to drop you entirely. Please be aware I am also a female, and we do not think on the same terms as males. Not to say we are all devious, but by forgiving her and telling her you are ok with this is only giving up your heart on a silver platter. >I can meet someone new to have fun with, its not hard if you are young and have some backbone. You said two key words here: New, and young. You can meet someone new because you are young, why dwell on this relationship when it has already come to its end? Again, youre waiting for something thats just not going to fall into your lap. >couldn't just pure forgiveness be the answer? For you, yes. For her, well...honestly you shouldnt be concerned about her feelings or emotions right now, because she tossed you out. You need to worry about *you*, Mr. #1 right now. >I do love this girl but I love other people too and that feels to be right. Youre not in the right frame of mind right now to be determining what is right and wrong, I'm sorry but thats the cold hard truth. Your emotions are totally clouding your vision from seeing whats right in front of you: She's gone. The sooner you accept that and move on, the sooner you'll be able to get your life back on track. Face it, the break up has already happened and just because it broke doesnt mean its up to you to try to fix it. She broke it, let her fix it if she feels the desire to. BUT dont be waiting around for her to start, cuz she definitely isnt showing signs of wanting to come back right now. If she did, she would.
Author anotherconfusedlover Posted October 24, 2005 Author Posted October 24, 2005 You are right on the money JDUB. I know that I'm not going to have a fulfilling relationship with anyone if I am a doormat for them. It is over and that's what I have to remember. I want to be her friend, but I need time to heal and have to focus on myself. But why did she blame me for it all and say I pushed her to it? Is that a female thing, to turn the tables on someone you hurt? I don't know... coping mechanism? Also to be with someone else so soon? I can understand that if its over with one person than of course you'll be open to someone else. It just seems that if you just got out of a relationship that you'll bring baggage into another if you don't give yourself at least a month or so. Her response to that would probably be that she got over it mentally before she left physically. But if thats completely true why does she say she thinks about me all the time still? I don't think she says that for my benefit. And if I was to be a fortune teller, I would predict that her and new guy are not going to work out. I shouldn't care of course, but I want it to fail big time between them.
AndrewJ Posted October 24, 2005 Posted October 24, 2005 "But if thats completely true why does she say she thinks about me all the time still? " Cause she knows u will be hood wincked by this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! As hard as it sounds now u have to erase her from ur harddrive. Delete all links of contact. Walk ur new path and don't look back
billskrill Posted October 24, 2005 Posted October 24, 2005 I'm in a similar situation, my ex wants us to remain friends but she isn't with someone new I know for a fact. I want to remain friends so bad but that's only because how much I still love her. Trying to be there as a friend puts you through a lot of pain, it gives you a lot of false hope and you can't start to heal from the breakup. It kinda makes you feel better at first because you are talking to your ex, but you feel much worse in the long run. You have to wait until it's been enough time before you can really be friends, but I'm in the same boat as you like I said. My ex calls me up after 2 weeks of NC (she tried callin me during that time) and I picked it up Saturday night and met up with her at her house where she was drinking by herself. We talked for 2 hours and it was cool to hang out with her but I was really hurt to see our pictures taken down, my toothbrush, contact solution and all that stuff taken out of her bathroom, and her son's father who just found out he was the father had given her a new TV which makes me wonder what's going on there??? But anyways what I'm trying to say is the friends thing will not work right now.
seachange Posted October 24, 2005 Posted October 24, 2005 But why did she blame me for it all and say I pushed her to it? Guilt. Is that a female thing, to turn the tables on someone you hurt? No, no, now come on. People of both genders do this, when they can't handle the responsibility for their own actions. Her new relationship may or may not work out - I think you're right to say she'll have to deal with her own baggage before having a successful relationship. But that's not your concern right now; you have to deal with yours and leave her to find her own way.
Author anotherconfusedlover Posted October 24, 2005 Author Posted October 24, 2005 Is is not ironic that her guilt for hurting me, hurts me more? I feel like if she wanted to help me at all with this she would have left me without leaving all her belongings behind for me to pack for her and continuing to come to me when she decides to.
Ruff Ryder Posted October 24, 2005 Posted October 24, 2005 The way i see it is anything is possible. I mean most movies made about love all include the split up the new lover and then they get back together. In love if you do split up both parties may well be in love with eachother stil. In love life and anything in the world anything is possible so if you want to be together with that person it could very well happen, BUT dont sit around waiting because a chance for you to be happy might just pass you by. Have a good one
Author anotherconfusedlover Posted October 24, 2005 Author Posted October 24, 2005 Okay i'm feeling better, she just came and got all her stuff. It took a month but its done. It was strange, I asked her if she truely wanted to be friends because I don't want her to out of guilt. She said, "yes of course, why do you think I left everything here." I don't really understand how that would have anything to do with being my friend. I've been telling her to take it away for days because I don't like to have it around with all the emotional history. She's in a bad state right now. She just got four major tickets, no licence/insurance, etc. I feel bad for her. I want to help but it's going to be a challenge. I already offered to take her to the DMV for the road test. I'm going to be waking up at 5am tomorrow morning so we can get a slot. Am I being a total tool? I just want to help her now because those tickets and not having transportation is really going to put her in a bad place, worse than the one she is already in.
wahaha1 Posted October 25, 2005 Posted October 25, 2005 just a warning.., you may become a floating wood for her...
Tangerina Posted October 25, 2005 Posted October 25, 2005 It isn't just a female thing to turn the tables like that... my ex totally broke my heart, he left without warning, wasn't willing to work on it etc... I mourned for a month and was so depressed but then like the sane person I am I worked on getting better and living for myself... and I met a nice boy who treats me right and started seeing him.... Then my ex wanted me back and I said no, you didn't treat me right and didn't work with me in the breakup when I was willing to wait for you and work on things but you told me it was over so I picked myself up and tried to move on... so now it has been 5 months and I have mostly forgiven him for the big stuff, tho still pissed off about many little instances, but no matter... and I am saying to him that we should be friends and spend time together and now he is telling me that I was so mean to him because I shut him out emotionally by moving on and that he always waited for me (? this never was the case, because I never asked him to wait for me for any reason) so I should have waited for him... I don't think he actually remembers what happened between us! So now he is mad and doesn't want to be friends even though I keep trying to open the door because I miss his friendship.... The point is, what I have learned from this is: 1.) I could not have handled being his friend in a healthy way until I reached the point where I am at now and have no desire to be back together and want his friendship purely because I know we could have a good friendship. 2.) Even though I am ready now, there is no way to be friends until he reaches the same point that I am at and stops being mad and clinging to the relationship baggage instead of focusing on the current situation. I am leaving the door open, but I can't expect him to walk through until he gets to that point on his own. 3.) When you are in the position of not being quite over someone there is no way to not have ulterior motives for friendship, in my experience it just isn't possible. It doesn't mean don't try, but it means be very very very careful. (My ex wanted to be friends until it was clear that I had moved on and was seeing someone else... ie until he no longer had the power in the situation... be careful of falling into a similar trap)
J dub Posted October 25, 2005 Posted October 25, 2005 >I asked her if she truely wanted to be friends because I don't want her to out of guilt. She said, "yes of course, why do you think I left everything here." I don't really understand how that would have anything to do with being my friend. It doesnt, she answered it like that because its indirectly avoiding the answer. >She's in a bad state right now. Arent we all. >She just got four major tickets, no licence/insurance, etc. sounds like a winner. >I feel bad for her. I want to help but it's going to be a challenge. I cant believe I just read "its going to be a challenge" as in, YOURE GOING TO HELP. I feel I am running in circles here telling you what I already have...youre obviously not seeking advice, youre seeking out someone who can tell you that youre actions will pay off. You wont find it here, buddy. >I already offered to take her to the DMV for the road test. I'm going to be waking up at 5am tomorrow morning so we can get a slot. Am I being a total tool? Dude, why dont you just lay on the ground and let her walk all over you? Oh wait, you already are. >I just want to help her now because those tickets and not having transportation is really going to put her in a bad place, worse than the one she is already in. WHO CARES! She frickin dumped you man, the fact that you are still letting her pull you around like a lost puppy is only going to blindside you in a few days/weeks (its only a matter of when, not if) when she decides to ditch you once and for all. Good luck guy, youre in for a huge, torturous fall. And -- this time, it'll be yourself that you have to blame.
westernxer Posted October 25, 2005 Posted October 25, 2005 Any advice on transitioning to being a friend but at the same time thinking that maybe one day?? I'd like to say yes, but I don't want to lead you on. That's what your ex is for.
Author anotherconfusedlover Posted October 25, 2005 Author Posted October 25, 2005 > I cant believe I just read "its going to be a challenge" as in, YOURE GOING TO HELP. I feel I am running in circles here telling you what I already have...youre obviously not seeking advice, youre seeking out someone who can tell you that youre actions will pay off. You wont find it here, buddy. WHO CARES! She frickin dumped you man, the fact that you are still letting her pull you around like a lost puppy is only going to blindside you in a few days/weeks (its only a matter of when, not if) when she decides to ditch you once and for all. Good luck guy, youre in for a huge, torturous fall. And -- this time, it'll be yourself that you have to blame. JDUB I definetly came to loveshack for advice from cool people like you . I understand the thinking of just cutting someone out especially when they've basically left to try something with someone else. Completely disposing of you like your trash. IF I help her and she just decides to not call me anymore after that than fine, I'm not going to call her. But I feel that its not going to make much of a difference if I help her now. I'm not going to cry about it later, it makes me feel like I'm being the better person and that's healthy for my outlook on this. Dealing with the rejection is the hardest thing. I can find someone else better for me and probably will before my ex grows out of this stage she is in. And I can understand the stage she in, she is only 21. I'd much rather be in a mutual relationship than in one where I have to be the father figure. Sure this raises the question that if she continues to come to me for support than I might offend my future lover but that could be taken care of with simple NC from my part. And telling her no more friends. Best case senario, we will both have let go of the emotional attachment by then. My goal is to treat her like she is a real friend for now and to get over the pain she caused me by rejecting me after all the sacirifices I made for her. It helps alot to read all the posts on loveshack, I've already learned alot as a result of this breakup. I'm really looking for some advice on making a friendship work and forgiving, understanding, etc. the other person, i.e. dumper. This girl has no support system, I want her to become independent. I want her to be able to drive to work, I don't want her to go down down. I love her of course, but you know if you love something let it go. To me that means let go of wanting them to love you and just loving them for who they are and what they represent to you. Isn't that possible? I feel like I am much more fortunate than she, because of how confused and baseless her past seems to be. She grew up with no good parents and was abused. She has it much tougher than me, that I know for sure.
J dub Posted October 25, 2005 Posted October 25, 2005 You just posted a long a$$ response with nothing but excuses and explanations on her behalf, not to mention a whole bunch of "I am still in total denial"-esque language. Good job on trying to convince yourself, cuz the rest of us (esp myself) are not impressed. PS - Once you drop your purse and read your posts from an objective point of view as if a stranger wrote them you'll understand.
AndrewJ Posted October 25, 2005 Posted October 25, 2005 Another confusedlover, You need to slap yourself! I have been where u are now, I couldnt see how much of twat i was being to myself when i let someone control me like a fool. Hopefully this forum/ thread will give u a reality check. As J dub says she is walking all over you, Grow a spine Man deal with it,Move on.
Author anotherconfusedlover Posted October 25, 2005 Author Posted October 25, 2005 No doubt this chick is willing to take advantage of my caring for her ends. But that's not going last much longer. I'm moving on for sure!!! I am actually stoked today to be single! I gotta share my experience, I'm feeling high right now. Today I went to catch some waves at a beautiful cove on the east side. While I was there a model was getting her pictures taken and she was drop dead gorgeous! I walked by the shoot on my way to the showers and she looked at me and smiled. I thought it was my imagination and I was kind of shy about it so I looked away. Jump forward to an hour ago when I ran into the same girl at my friend's house! I didn't make the connection but I've met this girl before. She is my friend's roommate. She talked to me about seeing me down there and I could feel some traits of a spark of interest. I am so stoked! I will definitely talk to this girl some more, I know she no BF and so far she seems really down to earth and sweet. I'm not going to obsess about it for much longer but it makes me feel a lot better to know for sure that I could find someone much better for me. thanks so much for all the input, I know for myself that I am going to be a friend and supporter to my ex if she needs it because I care about her but I am moving on to greener pastures!
Author anotherconfusedlover Posted October 25, 2005 Author Posted October 25, 2005 BTW I'm nobody's bitch by helping them. If anything it puts me in a stronger position (as long as I am over it). I don't want to be with this girl again. I am glad to be out of the relationship. That may seem to contradict what I've said before but whatever, I was feeling sorry for myself. JDUB your advice has been helpful along with everyone else who say "JUST GET OVER IT". She is destined for a lot of pitfalls and I won't be there to catch her, it was her choice.
pippen_2k Posted October 25, 2005 Posted October 25, 2005 Its easy to say that when ur on a high, but im sure you havnt just gotten over her in the past day LOL
Author anotherconfusedlover Posted October 25, 2005 Author Posted October 25, 2005 Yeah the feeling was fleeting, but at least its progress. I have a good memory!! Everyone who said dont be a friend after somone dumps you is right. It is true in my senario. I finally know for sure that she had been using that as a way to suppliment her ego and for self-security. When she says friends, it means I should be treating her just like she is still my girlfriend but we don't get to have sex. And I don't get any support in what I have to do for myself. I'm not going to try to be someone's friend who doesn't even respect me enough to be honest. I don't want her to crash but at this point it is inevitable.
J dub Posted October 26, 2005 Posted October 26, 2005 >Yeah the feeling was fleeting Probably wouldnt have been so quick to disapate had u stayed the hell away from ur ex to begin with. At keast u finally see her from our point of view...acknowledging it is the hardest part...it only gets easier the longer u keep away.
seachange Posted October 26, 2005 Posted October 26, 2005 I'd like to say yes, but I don't want to lead you on. That's what your ex is for. :lmao: I may have to borrow this.
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