daphne Posted June 12, 2022 Posted June 12, 2022 I was talking to a guy that seemed to have a lot going for him. Except he's a never married, no kids kind of guy. I haven't yet met a guy in this category that is emotionally mature or capable of committing so I usually avoid like the plague. When I asked him what he was looking for, he tried to avoid the question 4 times. My guess is he either doesn't know, or doesn't want to be transparent. Neither is good imo. The last thing I need is a guy who doesn't know what he wants. To me, this is a go directly to jail, do not pass go situation. Am I being too harsh?
Weezy1973 Posted June 12, 2022 Posted June 12, 2022 2 minutes ago, daphne said: Except he's a never married, no kids kind of guy. This doesn't mean anything. 3 minutes ago, daphne said: When I asked him what he was looking for, he tried to avoid the question 4 times. But this does. 1
Ami1uwant Posted June 12, 2022 Posted June 12, 2022 How old is he? has he had any serious relationships/ lived together? the reason he didn’t marry…was it because of his career where he moved job assignments every 2-3 years? hemight not have a perfect blue pri tin what he wants or has a 10 point checklist but wants toget to know someone
Author daphne Posted June 12, 2022 Author Posted June 12, 2022 Ami1uwant, He's in his late 40's. He's lived with at least one woman. He seems emotionally mature but I'm not convinced. He said that he focused on his career and was too "head strong" to do anything other than what he wanted. He also said that he never met the kind of woman that he wanted to be with permanently. Which is when I asked him, well what is it that you want? Then the tapdancing happened. The more I think about it, it seems like he knows but doesn't want to say it. Also, when he pointed out that he had avoided the question, he then tried to turn it around on me. Why was I divorced. What do I want? It wasn't curiosity. He was deflecting. I was pretty open about it but the more I think about it, I am turned off.
Ami1uwant Posted June 12, 2022 Posted June 12, 2022 31 minutes ago, daphne said: Ami1uwant, He's in his late 40's. He's lived with at least one woman. He seems emotionally mature but I'm not convinced. He said that he focused on his career and was too "head strong" to do anything other than what he wanted. He also said that he never met the kind of woman that he wanted to be with permanently. Which is when I asked him, well what is it that you want? Then the tapdancing happened. The more I think about it, it seems like he knows but doesn't want to say it. Also, when he pointed out that he had avoided the question, he then tried to turn it around on me. Why was I divorced. What do I want? It wasn't curiosity. He was deflecting. I was pretty open about it but the more I think about it, I am turned off. Why are you not convinced? ifyou ask what he wants and he says, it opens the door to you finding an excuse not to try this out. From what he was in his mid 39s probably has changed did you ask him why the limp e together didn’t get married?
Author daphne Posted June 12, 2022 Author Posted June 12, 2022 (edited) 10 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said: Why are you not convinced? The deflection. An emotionally mature person doesn't need to turn it back on the other person. They know who they are. He evaded why it didn't work out with the live in. If you're willing to omit or lie to avoid being rejected, it's a sign of selfishness. If you really want a healthy relationship, you would openly talk about what you want and know that it's entirely possible the other person doesn't fit what you're looking for. You don't waste that person's or your own time. I want someone who is willing to work on having a healthy relationship. This guy isn't in a place for that. You have to be honest and vulnerable for that. Edited June 12, 2022 by daphne
Maldives Posted June 12, 2022 Posted June 12, 2022 (edited) The answer is and I am generalizing to some extent, but it is consistent. Women want commitment. Most men shy away from commitment. What women fail to understand is men will commit As long as we don't feel pressured. It's that subtle pressure men feel it and shy away from it and resist because we feel like our freedoms at stake. I know it sounds crazy but it's true. If women really relaxed and let the relationship just unfold, this would eventually happen because it's all about trust Edited June 12, 2022 by Goodguy05
basil67 Posted June 12, 2022 Posted June 12, 2022 43 minutes ago, daphne said: The deflection. An emotionally mature person doesn't need to turn it back on the other person. They know who they are. He evaded why it didn't work out with the live in. If you're willing to omit or lie to avoid being rejected, it's a sign of selfishness. If you really want a healthy relationship, you would openly talk about what you want and know that it's entirely possible the other person doesn't fit what you're looking for. You don't waste that person's or your own time. I want someone who is willing to work on having a healthy relationship. This guy isn't in a place for that. You have to be honest and vulnerable for that. * not emotionally mature * evasive *omits truth/lies *selfish *time waster *not willing to work on having a healthy relationship *not honest *not willing to be vulnerable If this is your conclusion, it seems to be pretty clear that there's no point speaking to him further. Sometimes when we dig through our feelings, the answer is really simple 2
Author daphne Posted June 12, 2022 Author Posted June 12, 2022 (edited) goodguy - He may be a commitmentphobe and took the question too seriously. Most men will answer this question and are aware that I'm not asking them for a commitment. When he didn't answer it, I moved on. Now he keeps texting. smh Edited June 12, 2022 by daphne
Author daphne Posted June 12, 2022 Author Posted June 12, 2022 2 minutes ago, basil67 said: * not emotionally mature * evasive *omits truth/lies *selfish *time waster *not willing to work on having a healthy relationship *not honest *not willing to be vulnerable If this is your conclusion, it seems to be pretty clear that there's no point speaking to him further. Sometimes when we dig through our feelings, the answer is really simple I fully agree basil. I think that I have a tendency to want to give people the benefit of the doubt, even though they've pretty much eliminated the doubt. My intuition is good but my trust in it is not as good. He seems like a nice guy but I would not say that I believe he has healthy relationship skills. And since that's a priority for me, it doesn't really matter what he wants anymore.
basil67 Posted June 12, 2022 Posted June 12, 2022 So now you can add "commitmentphobe" to the list of things you don't respect about him. Thing is though, he may not have a "phobia" of commitment. It may simply be that he hasn't found the type of woman he's willing to settle down with. He may find her next week or he may never find her. Have you ever been shopping and are asked what you're looking for and reply with "I'm just looking...but I'll know when I find it". The same works for relationships. But even if the above is true and he's none of the things you describe him as, your respect has already been lost and there's no point in continuing talking to him further. 2
stillafool Posted June 12, 2022 Posted June 12, 2022 2 hours ago, daphne said: I was talking to a guy that seemed to have a lot going for him. Except he's a never married, no kids kind of guy. I haven't yet met a guy in this category that is emotionally mature or capable of committing so I usually avoid like the plague. When I asked him what he was looking for, he tried to avoid the question 4 times. My guess is he either doesn't know, or doesn't want to be transparent. Neither is good imo. The last thing I need is a guy who doesn't know what he wants. To me, this is a go directly to jail, do not pass go situation. Am I being too harsh? No! It means you are heeding the warning of the RED FLAGS. He's emotionally unavailable and that isn't what you want.
Alpacalia Posted June 12, 2022 Posted June 12, 2022 (edited) I see two sides here. There are a few reasons he might want to avoid the question in addition to what's already been suggested - another reason being that he may feel that whatever he says won't be the correct answer. Perhaps he perceives you putting the relationship before him by asking this question. That you are searching for someone to fit a mold, not to explore what you can have with someone. How about asking him why he doesn't like to answer that question? Or, maybe tell him what you’re really asking. If you’re asking if he wants a long-term relationship, you can ask him that. If you’re asking if he wants something serious or casual, then ask him that. Edited June 12, 2022 by Alpacalia 1
Author daphne Posted June 12, 2022 Author Posted June 12, 2022 18 minutes ago, stillafool said: No! It means you are heeding the warning of the RED FLAGS. He's emotionally unavailable and that isn't what you want. Agreed. Someone can be a nice person and just not the right fit. 1
Ami1uwant Posted June 13, 2022 Posted June 13, 2022 (edited) 1 hour ago, daphne said: The deflection. An emotionally mature person doesn't need to turn it back on the other person. They know who they are. He evaded why it didn't work out with the live in. If you're willing to omit or lie to avoid being rejected, it's a sign of selfishness. If you really want a healthy relationship, you would openly talk about what you want and know that it's entirely possible the other person doesn't fit what you're looking for. You don't waste that person's or your own time. I want someone who is willing to work on having a healthy relationship. This guy isn't in a place for that. You have to be honest and vulnerable for that. Some don’t like to share the events/ details of the relationship ending early on. The point of the question is not to get into the details but to find out how close they were to getting married or hoe much thought there was in it. Notsharing early on is not hiding. Everyone discloses details at their own comfortable rate. Youare still early to know the details. omitting isn’t ne essarily lying. Like I said some events you don’t want to talk about until you are ready. early on you might talk from the 10,000 foot view of things. you have said nothing as to how far in dating this is. There is a big difference if youare only in days 3 or 3 vs dating 4 months. Edited June 13, 2022 by Ami1uwant 1
ExpatInItaly Posted June 13, 2022 Posted June 13, 2022 8 hours ago, daphne said: He evaded why it didn't work out with the live in. Wait a minute. Have you actually met this guy in person? How well do you know him? He might not be evading, as much as not wanting to divulge details to a woman he barely knows (you) He has a right to privacy too, especially if you two have only recently met. I'll wait for your answers to the above before lending further thoughts.
Alpacalia Posted June 13, 2022 Posted June 13, 2022 As I understand it, she asked him four times "what he was looking for" before meeting him? Or, at least, that's what I replied to. I understand why it's being asked - you want to see if your priorities are in line with his. The whole "let's not waste each other's time" notion, like, if you want a monogamous marriage and kiddos and he is a Casanova, then it would be good to figure that out soon. In contrast, for others, being on the receiving end of that question might feel more akin to a job interview.
mark clemson Posted June 13, 2022 Posted June 13, 2022 (edited) It sounds to me like perhaps you want a guy who's interested in eventually committing/a LTR and were trying (quite reasonably) to suss this out? (Assumptions, assumptions - apologize if that's not correct...) Anyhow, assuming that is correct, be thankful he's unwilling to straight up lie about this and or feeding you a line about "looking for LT love, but with the right girl" or some such stuff in order to have a ONS or ST fling with you, etc. Following that line of thought - he's waffling for a reason and I would suspect the only reason you haven't nixxed him yet is he's otherwise a pretty good catch, so perhaps part of you is looking for a way to try to make it work. But really, in truth, he's sending the signal that he's not interested in a LTR, and thus you're incompatible. IMO a guy who's genuinely serious about seeking a LTR is probably willing to divulge that early on. If my line of reasoning above is accurate - then the solution is simple (if perhaps not easy) and you know what to do. Not much point in throwing good money after bad... Edited June 13, 2022 by mark clemson
Alvi Posted June 14, 2022 Posted June 14, 2022 It is really not a hard question "what are you looking for." Whatever his reasons are, it is making you uncomfortable. And if you are not comfortable, then you need to next him. 19 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: He might not be evading, as much as not wanting to divulge details to a woman he barely knows (you) He has a right to privacy too, especially if you two have only recently met. And if that is the case, that might be a whole red flag on it's own. Sure, he has a right to a privacy but for what exactly? Because he has something to hide, I wonder? People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. 8 hours ago, mark clemson said: MO a guy who's genuinely serious about seeking a LTR is probably willing to divulge that early on Yeap, that's been my experience as well. Men who actually are seeking a long term let you know right away. They don't want to waste anybody's time.
ExpatInItaly Posted June 14, 2022 Posted June 14, 2022 2 hours ago, Alvi said: Sure, he has a right to a privacy but for what exactly? Because he has something to hide, I wonder? People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. No, I don't entirely agree. OP hasn't indicated how well they know each other. I certainly wouldn't be discussing the demise of past relationship with a stranger. It isn't any of their business at that point. If we'd been dating a little while, sure. But just "talking"? Nope. 1
GoldSparkz Posted June 18, 2022 Posted June 18, 2022 If he wants a relationship he will say "I want a relationship" . If he doesn't want a relationship, he will say some other excuse or become avoidant in some way. Guys are really simple. You can spare yourself the stress by not over thinking.
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