Whitemoon09 Posted June 12, 2022 Posted June 12, 2022 (edited) So I recently reconnected with a guy through Facebook. In the past, he sent me a friend request (we had met in person previously) and he used to initiate all contact. We hit it off and I liked him but we drifted apart because I was going through a lot at that time. I even distanced myself from Facebook and now I added him again after a long time of us not talking. He accepted my request right away. I waited a while and sent a message. This is how our convo went: ME: Hi. How are you? Thanks for accepting my request. I know it’s been a while and things might not be the same. I added you on Facebook because I really liked talking to you in the past. Thanks for making an effort to communicate with me and be my friend. I feel a little embarrassed writing you this message. Who knows what’s going through your mind. Maybe you think I’m crazy. But anyways, thanks for your friendship. I appreciate it a lot HIM: hey. This message took me by surprise. It also took me by surprise when you sent the friend request. I was very pleased and, to be sincere, I felt a little bad when you deleted me. But you had your reasons and I accepted them. I never thought you were crazy. Who am I to judge you? Hey, maybe one day you thought I was the crazy one. Hahaha just kidding… I hope your family and you have been ok with covid. I’m glad to hear you enjoyed talking to me. I don’t use Facebook that much but if you ever need me, you know where to find me. I hope you have a great day. ME: hey, thanks for responding. I didn’t see your message because I don’t get notifications until I open Facebook. For a while, I thought you had not responded. It’s not that I deleted you from Facebook. I was going through some issues but I never meant to ghost you. Please trust me. Maybe one day I’ll tell you what made me distance myself. I hope your family is also well from covid. Thanks for being there and you can always count on me. HIM: Hi. I always respond. If I don’t it’s because I’m busy or working. My family and I are ok and we never got covid even though it’s been crazy. We’ll keep in touch here. If you want, you can tell me why you distanced yourself. I hope you have a good Saturday and Sunday. ME: I hope you have a good weekend too. One of these days, I’ll tell you why I distanced myself from Facebook. I’m glad you and your family are well. HIM: inserts an emoji of a thumb up. That’s how our convo ended. Even though I said I was going to let him know why I distanced myself, I don’t know if I should contact him again. I wasn’t planning on sending a second message. The reason why I said that was because he said he felt bad that I had deleted him. And that’s not how it really was. Now I’m not sure if I should contact him again or not. I don’t want to seem too pushy or desperate and I’ve already showed my interest. I sent him the request and messaged him. Do you think I should still give tell him what happened like I said I will? I also don’t want him to think I’m flaky and that I’m playing games. Or should I let him do the chase if he’s still interested??? My birthday is coming up and I want to see if he’ll wish me a Happy Birthday like he did in the past. I want to see if he’s interested and willing to put effort too. So what should I do??? Contact him or let him do the work? In your opinion, did he sound at least a little bit interested or he was just being polite? Edited June 12, 2022 by Whitemoon09
BrinnM Posted June 12, 2022 Posted June 12, 2022 (edited) If you are (romantically) interested in this person, you should be sincere, not playing games. He was nice enough to reply to you and have a conversation through FB, even though you deleted him previously without giving a reason. Most people would find that rude, and would not give you the time of the day. That applies to friends and lovers equally. "One of these days, I’ll tell you why I distanced myself from Facebook" – why are you making this statement? You either tell him or you don't. It seems childish and attention-seeking. It sounds like too much drama. I am surprised he is still talking to you to be honest. Edited June 12, 2022 by BrinnM 6
Weezy1973 Posted June 12, 2022 Posted June 12, 2022 (edited) 1 hour ago, Whitemoon09 said: Do you think I should still give tell him what happened like I said I will? I also don’t want him to think I’m flaky and that I’m playing games. Or should I let him do the chase if he’s still interested??? My birthday is coming up and I want to see if he’ll wish me a Happy Birthday like he did in the past. I want to see if he’s interested and willing to put effort too. So what should I do??? Contact him or let him do the work? In your opinion, did he sound at least a little bit interested or he was just being polite? If he thinks you're flaky and playing games, it's likely because you're being flaky and playing games. For example waiting to see if he wishes you a "Happy Birthday" is playing games. Telling him you "might" tell him what happened is playing games. In your case, it sounds like your flakiness and game playing is likely due to some major insecurities. So the question to ask yourself, is are you emotionally in a place where you can date / get into a relationship? This post suggests that you aren't there yet. Edited June 12, 2022 by Weezy1973 spelling 2 1
LeoEnki Posted June 12, 2022 Posted June 12, 2022 59 minutes ago, BrinnM said: "One of these days, I’ll tell you why I distanced myself from Facebook" – why are you making this statement? You either tell him or you don't. It seems childish and attention-seeking. It sounds like too much drama. That was my first impression as well... Seems ridiculous and childish. 1
stillafool Posted June 12, 2022 Posted June 12, 2022 He may have had a romantic interest before you deleted him but now it just sounds like he's friendly and cordial. Don't expect him to chase you. The ball is in your court to show your interest and ask to see him if that is what you want. I agree that waiting to see if he remembers your b-day is game playing and frankly why should he? 1
ExpatInItaly Posted June 12, 2022 Posted June 12, 2022 2 hours ago, Whitemoon09 said: Or should I let him do the chase if he’s still interested??? No. You reached out to him, and were quite vague in your messages and dangling some oddly cyptic hint that you'll explain why you disappeared before. So, the ball is totally in your court here. If you want to keep this connection alive, it's on you. Waiting for him to chase you is silly, quite frankly. 2 hours ago, Whitemoon09 said: My birthday is coming up and I want to see if he’ll wish me a Happy Birthday like he did in the past. This is a bit silly, too. You haven't talked in a long time and it's useless to "test" him this way. 2 hours ago, Whitemoon09 said: I want to see if he’s interested and willing to put effort too. Don't be like this. He has no reason to put in effort when you've just come back into his life out of the blue. If anyone needs to put in effort, that would be you.
Author Whitemoon09 Posted June 12, 2022 Author Posted June 12, 2022 3 hours ago, stillafool said: He may have had a romantic interest before you deleted him but now it just sounds like he's friendly and cordial. Don't expect him to chase you. The ball is in your court to show your interest and ask to see him if that is what you want. I agree that waiting to see if he remembers your b-day is game playing and frankly why should he? I also think that he had interest in me in the past but since it’s been a long time, I’m kind of scared of making a fool out of myself. Maybe he already moved on. I can contact him again and explain him what happen. At least he won’t be wondering all the time. It’s not fair for him. But at the same time I am terrified. Trust me. I hate doing this because I tried it with guys in the past and they lost interest. I don’t want to mess up.
Author Whitemoon09 Posted June 12, 2022 Author Posted June 12, 2022 (edited) But do you honestly think he’ll think I’m desperate? Will I sound too obvious that I care about him? honestly I really do, but I don’t know if he cares about me. If he told me he felt bad when I deleted him, is that a sign? he could’ve just stayed quiet but maybe he wanted to let me know how he really feels Edited June 12, 2022 by Whitemoon09
basil67 Posted June 12, 2022 Posted June 12, 2022 I hate to be a downer, but your messages were very gushy and assumptive of the idea that there will be an actual close friendship. That someone accepts a FB friend request doesn't automatically mean that they will be an active or close friend. It doesn't mean they want you to be there for them. Truth is, many of our FB 'friends' are little more than acquaintances and this is an unwritten rule we're aware of when accepting a friend request. If he was into you, he wouldn't have warned you that he doesn't use FB much. And telling you "you know where to find me" indicates that he won't be reaching out to you. There is no interest in a close friendship or romance from him at this point. Lastly, I agree that you didn't have to tell him (twice) that someday you'll tell him why you deleted him. All that needed to be said was that you needed a break from social media and over culled it in error. That said, don't get embarrassed and burn your bridges by deleting him again. Just go back to normal and see if he reaches out for a chat. If he doesn't reach out, then leave him hanging as the acquaintance he is and move on. 3
stillafool Posted June 12, 2022 Posted June 12, 2022 55 minutes ago, Whitemoon09 said: I also think that he had interest in me in the past but since it’s been a long time, I’m kind of scared of making a fool out of myself. Maybe he already moved on. I can contact him again and explain him what happen. At least he won’t be wondering all the time. It’s not fair for him. But at the same time I am terrified. Trust me. I hate doing this because I tried it with guys in the past and they lost interest. I don’t want to mess up. Put yourself in his shoes, suppose he were to start up with you and you drift off, rejecting him again? Why should he put himself in that position? If you want to get to know him, stop all pretense and tell him what you want. So what if he rejects you, you'll never have to see him or speak to him again.
basil67 Posted June 12, 2022 Posted June 12, 2022 I'm curious about your statement that he'd be "wondering all the time" why you deleted him. If I get unfriended, I'll wonder for about 30 seconds and then go "meh" and let it go..and I'd be surprised if he was any different. Why did you delete him? What's the background to your connection? Were you very close friends? 2
Author Whitemoon09 Posted June 13, 2022 Author Posted June 13, 2022 I actually didn’t clarify exactly what he said. He told me: “If you want you can tell me one day why you distanced yourself” it’s not like he pushed me to tell him in that very moment and that’s why I said “one of these days I’ll tell you”. And to be honest, it’s not easy to tell him why I distanced myself. He was super nice and didn’t deserve for me to “disappear” but part of the reason why I didn’t care is because I felt like he was not that much into me. Sometimes I saw him talking/flirting with other girls and I got confused. So in order to be 100% honest with him, I might have to even tell him I had secret feelings for him. It’s not that easy.
stillafool Posted June 13, 2022 Posted June 13, 2022 (edited) 8 hours ago, Whitemoon09 said: Sometimes I saw him talking/flirting with other girls and I got confused. Why were you confused? You two were not in a relationship but were just talking on FB. He's probably still talking to multiple girls. I can understand why you're not sure if you should tell him you previously had secret feelings for him. That was the past and I think at this point you should keep that to yourself and start off on a clean slate with this guy and go from there. Edited June 13, 2022 by stillafool
glows Posted June 13, 2022 Posted June 13, 2022 I'm not sure what the point of the ongoing facebook messaging is. Do you want to meet him in person? I'd have explained myself in a short sentence about taking a break from social media, apologized for abruptly disappearing and asked him if he'd like to catch up over coffee. You can do this in one message without worrying about happy birthday messages or dragging on reasons for disappearing. It feels like you're hesitant and I don't know why you're so hesitant and unsure of yourself. Are you involved with someone else or not able to meet and have a regular conversation? 1
flitzanu Posted June 15, 2022 Posted June 15, 2022 so just by reading the first post, i'm assuming the reason you distanced yourself on facebook and deleted him is because he either didn't chase you, didn't try to date you, or didn't notice you flirting with him and you got jealous and deleted him thinking he would notice, and he never did, and that's why you've mentioned it multiple times to him that you "will maybe tell him some day" because you "took a break from facebook" meaning you deleted him...because you couldn't date him? 1
GoldSparkz Posted June 18, 2022 Posted June 18, 2022 Guys don't like drama so I suspect he senses some drama and negativity from you. First impressions mean everything so I would leave him be and talk to someone else.
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