When should you give up on someone you're dating?

[lovesfool]

I didn't know how to phrase the title so I tried the best I could! I have been on four dates with a guy. He's attractive, smart, funny and we share a lot of interests. The first date was great. Went for drinks, really felt the sparks fly and couldn't wait to see him again. We then went for a coffee and a walk the next day. My feelings towards him were not as strong afterwards. I'm not sure why, maybe some small comments he made that didn't tie in with my own personality.

I saw him twice after that date, both times at his place. Conversation flowed and we seemed to click in a lot of ways. There was some kissing and fooling around, which was nice I guess. He was an awful kisser though!

Between each date I never felt any strong urge to meet him again, nothing like how I felt after the first date. But the dates we had were nice. I was also simultaneously still on the dating apps, chatting to other guys which I normally wouldn't do if I was really into someone.

I used this as a clear reason to call it off with him. There was nothing technically wrong with him, but I thought that if I'm still keeping an eye out for someone else and not actively pursuing another date with him then he's not the one. He seemed very surprised when I told him considering how well we got on. I actually felt really bad afterwards, like I made a mistake. I wasn't sure if I made the right call. A friend of mine thought I didn't give him enough of a chance, but I just figured that if I didn't feel that "spark" after four dates that it wasn't worth pursuing.

Should you ever continue dating if you don't feel the spark immediately? How long should you wait to really get to know a person you're dating? Is regret after ending things a normal feeling?

[Gaeta]

I would say 3-4 dates is enough. By stretching it longer then it becomes misleading especially if the other person you are dating is building up attachment toward you.

I met someone in February that was perfect on paper but I didn't feel the spark. I continued dating him for almost 3 months in the hope I would start having feelings for him. It never happened and I've hurt him a great deal. The feelings of regrets are normal, just remember even if they are good people it doesn't mean you are meant to be together. 

[lovesfool]

18 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I would say 3-4 dates is enough. By stretching it longer then it becomes misleading especially if the other person you are dating is building up attachment toward you.

I met someone in February that was perfect on paper but I didn't feel the spark. I continued dating him for almost 3 months in the hope I would start having feelings for him. It never happened and I've hurt him a great deal. The feelings of regrets are normal, just remember even if they are good people it doesn't mean you are meant to be together. 

That's what I was worried about. I have a friend who dated someone for years and he didn't have any very strong feelings for her. He went along with it because there wasn't anything technically wrong with their relationship. I didn't want it to go that way.

At the same time, it takes a long while to really get to know someone. I know you say best to end it in case they build up attachment, but I could have also built up an attachment. I guess I'm thinking about the "what-ifs". I literally have no other dating options at the moment and have basically ended dating someone that was "okay" in exchange for dating no one!

[glows]

26 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

I didn't know how to phrase the title so I tried the best I could! I have been on four dates with a guy. He's attractive, smart, funny and we share a lot of interests. The first date was great. Went for drinks, really felt the sparks fly and couldn't wait to see him again. We then went for a coffee and a walk the next day. My feelings towards him were not as strong afterwards. I'm not sure why, maybe some small comments he made that didn't tie in with my own personality.

I saw him twice after that date, both times at his place. Conversation flowed and we seemed to click in a lot of ways. There was some kissing and fooling around, which was nice I guess. He was an awful kisser though!

Between each date I never felt any strong urge to meet him again, nothing like how I felt after the first date. But the dates we had were nice. I was also simultaneously still on the dating apps, chatting to other guys which I normally wouldn't do if I was really into someone.

I used this as a clear reason to call it off with him. There was nothing technically wrong with him, but I thought that if I'm still keeping an eye out for someone else and not actively pursuing another date with him then he's not the one. He seemed very surprised when I told him considering how well we got on. I actually felt really bad afterwards, like I made a mistake. I wasn't sure if I made the right call. A friend of mine thought I didn't give him enough of a chance, but I just figured that if I didn't feel that "spark" after four dates that it wasn't worth pursuing.

Should you ever continue dating if you don't feel the spark immediately? How long should you wait to really get to know a person you're dating? Is regret after ending things a normal feeling?

You did the right thing. If you’re not inspired to see the person or as interested, there’s not enough chemistry. 

There is no time limit or ascribed average waiting period where a person should evaluate. It’s what you feel as instinct or in your gut. You already said there were things he might have said that don’t tie or mesh with your personality and he was a bad kisser. 

And normally you’d know whether there’s something worth more in knowing or getting to know. If you feel you’ve had enough, don’t drag it out as it’s not fair to either of you. Your friend seems to have your best interests but she’s not the one dating him. I think it’s not unusual to have “what if” moments. I’ve never second guessed the decision to walk away. The reasons were very clear. 

[dramafreezone]

37 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

I didn't know how to phrase the title so I tried the best I could! I have been on four dates with a guy. He's attractive, smart, funny and we share a lot of interests. The first date was great. Went for drinks, really felt the sparks fly and couldn't wait to see him again. We then went for a coffee and a walk the next day. My feelings towards him were not as strong afterwards. I'm not sure why, maybe some small comments he made that didn't tie in with my own personality.

I saw him twice after that date, both times at his place. Conversation flowed and we seemed to click in a lot of ways. There was some kissing and fooling around, which was nice I guess. He was an awful kisser though!

Between each date I never felt any strong urge to meet him again, nothing like how I felt after the first date. But the dates we had were nice. I was also simultaneously still on the dating apps, chatting to other guys which I normally wouldn't do if I was really into someone.

I used this as a clear reason to call it off with him. There was nothing technically wrong with him, but I thought that if I'm still keeping an eye out for someone else and not actively pursuing another date with him then he's not the one. He seemed very surprised when I told him considering how well we got on. I actually felt really bad afterwards, like I made a mistake. I wasn't sure if I made the right call. A friend of mine thought I didn't give him enough of a chance, but I just figured that if I didn't feel that "spark" after four dates that it wasn't worth pursuing.

Should you ever continue dating if you don't feel the spark immediately? How long should you wait to really get to know a person you're dating? Is regret after ending things a normal feeling?

I think this varies from person to person.  I would continue dating a woman that I liked, even if I didn't think they were "the one." 

I don't think there's anything wrong with seeing someone casually to have a good time with.  I don't think you have to see a future with everyone you date, but if either of you clearly want to focus on that then of course it'd be right to end it.  Personally I would not "end it" unless I found someone that I wanted to be exclusive with.  I just don't see the upside.

Edited June 12, 2022 by dramafreezone

[Mrin]

I've long since tried the conceor of "the one". I thing it is incredibly flawed and a myth. I don't think there is anything wrong with continuing to date someone that you don't feel well be in your life long term as long as you're upfront about it.

That being said - I think you made the correct choice to cut it off with him. There were no sparks for you. And bad kidding, in my experience, is not fixable.

You did the right thing. For you. For him.

 

[SumGuy]

1 hour ago, lovesfool said:

..Should you ever continue dating if you don't feel the spark immediately? How long should you wait to really get to know a person you're dating? Is regret after ending things a normal feeling?

Never based my long term decisions on the "spark" if understand it to mean that physical chemistry thing, sparks are temporary, all I need is them once as they can come again.  Rather I focus on connection, how a I feel around them, if there is a spiritual or intellectual connection, without it needing to be an endorphin "wow."   I don't trust the physical "wow" as the end all be all, and many folks seem to get such "wows" for folks who are just not good for them.  In short, that "wow" is an initial impression more than half one's own imagination, and the other half how we react to the new shiny thing, to discovery.  Not something to trust, or something to ignore....more to understand and make sure it is corroborated by other things.

In your specific situation don't know what it is, could be those other things are saying no (I'd listen to them) but if those other things say yes perhaps reevaluate how meaningful the spark is.   For me though, awful kisser is a pretty big negative   

Regret is pretty normal overall.  4 or 5 dates is pretty much what I would give it if those other things are saying no.

[Ami1uwant]

2 hours ago, lovesfool said:

I didn't know how to phrase the title so I tried the best I could! I have been on four dates with a guy. He's attractive, smart, funny and we share a lot of interests. The first date was great. Went for drinks, really felt the sparks fly and couldn't wait to see him again. We then went for a coffee and a walk the next day. My feelings towards him were not as strong afterwards. I'm not sure why, maybe some small comments he made that didn't tie in with my own personality.

I saw him twice after that date, both times at his place. Conversation flowed and we seemed to click in a lot of ways. There was some kissing and fooling around, which was nice I guess. He was an awful kisser though!

Between each date I never felt any strong urge to meet him again, nothing like how I felt after the first date. But the dates we had were nice. I was also simultaneously still on the dating apps, chatting to other guys which I normally wouldn't do if I was really into someone.

I used this as a clear reason to call it off with him. There was nothing technically wrong with him, but I thought that if I'm still keeping an eye out for someone else and not actively pursuing another date with him then he's not the one. He seemed very surprised when I told him considering how well we got on. I actually felt really bad afterwards, like I made a mistake. I wasn't sure if I made the right call. A friend of mine thought I didn't give him enough of a chance, but I just figured that if I didn't feel that "spark" after four dates that it wasn't worth pursuing.

Should you ever continue dating if you don't feel the spark immediately? How long should you wait to really get to know a person you're dating? Is regret after ending things a normal feeling?

 

yes in general 3-4 dates are a good measure.

 

the bigger question is if you are reading correctly what love really is vs the fantasy you think it should be.  Are you trying to find faults bs the positives in the person.  Are you being unrealistic trying to find mr 110%?
 

since you were also looking fir others online vs focusing on him coukd have bern a grass is greener scenario finding reason not to focus on him.

[Ami1uwant]

1 hour ago, lovesfool said:

That's what I was worried about. I have a friend who dated someone for years and he didn't have any very strong feelings for her. He went along with it because there wasn't anything technically wrong with their relationship. I didn't want it to go that way.

At the same time, it takes a long while to really get to know someone. I know you say best to end it in case they build up attachment, but I could have also built up an attachment. I guess I'm thinking about the "what-ifs". I literally have no other dating options at the moment and have basically ended dating someone that was "okay" in exchange for dating no one!

 

that judgement is fair.  But there is a difference between only going 4 dates vs going 4-6 months and actually learning more about them.

[BrinnM]

1 hour ago, dramafreezone said:

I don't think there's anything wrong with seeing someone casually to have a good time with. 

This. 

Also – I am all for "slow and steady wins the race", so if a few dates are good/great, and some dates in-between are more on the mediocre side, that doesn't mean nothing more serious & satisfactory can develop in the future. Sometimes good things take time.

I think the concept of "the one", and the "spark" thinking are overrated. When I was younger I thought differently, though.

BUT: You said he is a bad kisser!!! That is a total deal breaker for me. I have never developed a good sex life with somebody whom I didn't enjoy kissing passionately. So that's the one thing I don't usually compromise on. 

[Weezy1973]

3 hours ago, lovesfool said:

Should you ever continue dating if you don't feel the spark immediately? How long should you wait to really get to know a person you're dating? Is regret after ending things a normal feeling?

It sounds to me like there was a lot of spark after the first date, and then it tapered off as you got to know him better. Seems very reasonable to next him, and 4 dates is plenty. And a perfect example of why initial attraction is so meaningless. Despite finding him very attractive after the first date, it tapered really quickly. That can happen.

[Alpacalia]

It would seem that you really tried to be attracted to him, since the dates were pleasant and he seemed like a decent guy.

In case you decide in the future that you are not as into him as you thought, feel free to walk away. As simple as it sounds, you owe him nothing. You are not a bad person for deciding he is not right for you right now. 

Only date people you are enthusiastic about dating.

After you've dated them for a little while -- one or two dates, maybe three -- stop dating them if you're ambivalent. On the flip side, only date people who are clearly enthusiastic about dating you. You can bet your bottom dollar that if dating him isn't fulfilling for you, it's not likely to be fulfilling for him either-even if he's a decent person whose feelings you certainly wouldn't want to hurt. After all, there is a difference between allowing room for potential and leading someone on.

Sparks? Well, since those are unpredictable and hard to come by, give yourself a self-audit and learn what you require from a partner. It will look different for everyone. You can then assess what "enough" is for you. 

There are never going to be all the things you want, so learning how to distinguish between what you need and what is nice is important for making tough decisions.

4 hours ago, lovesfool said:

I literally have no other dating options at the moment and have basically ended dating someone that was "okay" in exchange for dating no one!

It's certainly not a compelling reason to keep dating someone you're not all that enthusiastic about.

Edited June 12, 2022 by Alpacalia

[Gaeta]

4 hours ago, lovesfool said:

At the same time, it takes a long while to really get to know someone. I know you say best to end it in case they build up attachment, but I could have also built up an attachment. I guess I'm thinking about the "what-ifs". I literally have no other dating options at the moment and have basically ended dating someone that was "okay" in exchange for dating no one!

How would you feel if someone dated you because they're out of options? Nothing wrong with not dating anyone. If you don't feel it, and you know in your gut it won't happen, let the man move to someone that will feel excited about him. While you date someone you feel so-so about you're not free for the right guy to come along.

[Lotsgoingon]

Sounds like you're not interested and the more time you spent with him, the less interested you were.

If you're not feeling the overwhelming desire to hang out some more, I say you're not interested. By hang out some more, I don't mean you're supposed to know this is the one. But if you really don't miss him or think a lot of him between dates, that's a sign that you're not interested--I don't care how many good qualities the person has.

What were the "little comments" he made that caught your attention. I don't think there are any "little comments" that we want to ignore. Red flags come in little comments as much big ones. On first dates, I'm trying to be positive, and if a comment someone makes actually rubs me the wrong way (given that I'm in a mood of optimism) that means the comment REALLY bothered me. 

You don't need to apologize for not being interested. And yes interest can develop over time, but that usually happens when I'm not holding my nose to go out on another date.

Oh, and not like his kissing can be huge! Huge! That's not minor thing. 

 

 

Edited June 12, 2022 by Lotsgoingon

[Ami1uwant]

48 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

How would you feel if someone dated you because they're out of options? Nothing wrong with not dating anyone. If you don't feel it, and you know in your gut it won't happen, let the man move to someone that will feel excited about him. While you date someone you feel so-so about you're not free for the right guy to come along.

that’s fine to stop dating someone if youdont have a feeling.  But do it for the right reasons not because you don’t have these “butterflies” feeling anymore because that is BS.  Don’t do it because you might not have identical interests but most of them are common.

 

you do it for more fundamental reasons that are important to you like where you are in life, having kids, religion, etc. 

[basil67]

If he's looking for a relationship, I think it would be unfair to keep dating him if you don't think it's going anywhere.  Set him free so he can continue on his search for the right person 

[stillafool]

Like the song says "It's in his kiss" and if he's a terrible kisser to you now it's unlikely to get better.  Compatible kissing is very important to me plus you feel "meh" about him.  Let him go because another woman may think he's a great kisser and get's butterflies at the thought of him.  That's what he deserves so let him go.

[Beachead]

Hey OP,

If you place value on immediate chemistry, then, 3-4 dates is really all you need.   But do realize, many people are not themselves in the beginning and might be nervous or shy.  They make require time to warm up to you and may be reserved, to protect themselves.  That might translate to the physical intimacy.   Also consider they'll  be on their best behavior and hide their quirks.  It takes time and experiences to gauge who you're really dealing with.  You might be surprised by what you find.

The real question for you is, what's more important to you?  The honeymoon phase, full of superficial lust and infatuation that's exciting and stimulating but will eventually fade, or something real that'll last into the long-term?

- Beach

[SingFish]

I think life stage has a lot to do with it.

I'm past child-bearing and 'first flush of romance', if I liked someone's company and they have good values would be most important to me now. 

( & I know how to encourage mutually satisfactory kissing! And other communication )

 

[Gaeta]

18 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

that’s fine to stop dating someone if youdont have a feeling.  But do it for the right reasons not because you don’t have these “butterflies” feeling anymore because that is BS.  Don’t do it because you might not have identical interests but most of them are common.

 

you do it for more fundamental reasons that are important to you like where you are in life, having kids, religion, etc. 

 

* not feeling it* isn't about butterflies.

It's about not feeling a connection, not feeling a curiosity or an interest to know more about a person. The interest to know more about him is supose to grow a little with each date, it's not happening for her. 

[lovesfool]

20 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Sounds like you're not interested and the more time you spent with him, the less interested you were.

If you're not feeling the overwhelming desire to hang out some more, I say you're not interested. By hang out some more, I don't mean you're supposed to know this is the one. But if you really don't miss him or think a lot of him between dates, that's a sign that you're not interested--I don't care how many good qualities the person has.

What were the "little comments" he made that caught your attention. I don't think there are any "little comments" that we want to ignore. Red flags come in little comments as much big ones. On first dates, I'm trying to be positive, and if a comment someone makes actually rubs me the wrong way (given that I'm in a mood of optimism) that means the comment REALLY bothered me. 

You don't need to apologize for not being interested. And yes interest can develop over time, but that usually happens when I'm not holding my nose to go out on another date.

Oh, and not like his kissing can be huge! Huge! That's not minor thing. 

 

 

I can't recall all of them, but one of them that caught my attention that he told me that he was a terrible liar. I've had a bad experience in the past with a guy who recited that and it turned out he was lying to me the whole time!

Other things that bothered me were that he wasn't a big traveller and I love to travel. Maybe we were incompatible and I realise it subconsciously. 

15 hours ago, Beachead said:

Hey OP,

If you place value on immediate chemistry, then, 3-4 dates is really all you need.   But do realize, many people are not themselves in the beginning and might be nervous or shy.  They make require time to warm up to you and may be reserved, to protect themselves.  That might translate to the physical intimacy.   Also consider they'll  be on their best behavior and hide their quirks.  It takes time and experiences to gauge who you're really dealing with.  You might be surprised by what you find.

The real question for you is, what's more important to you?  The honeymoon phase, full of superficial lust and infatuation that's exciting and stimulating but will eventually fade, or something real that'll last into the long-term?

- Beach

I think it really came down to knowing what it's like to be into someone, looking forward to meeting them again, getting excited when you see a text from them come in. I didn't have that here.

Also today I did feel a bit sad when I thought that I would likely never see him again because he was a nice guy, but for 99% of the day he didn't cross my mind. Another sign that I was not that into him. This experience will likely help me when I'm not sure whether I should continue dating someone the next time around.

[smackie9]

After 3 or 4 dates you should pretty much know if someone being worth pursuing...awful kisser? just throw him back into the sea....keep fishing.

Edited June 13, 2022 by smackie9

[ShyViolet]

If you don't feel excited to see the person again after 4 dates, then you absolutely shouldn't waste any more of your time or the other person's time.  You trusted your gut and did the right thing.