Author Scotty Riggs Posted June 13, 2022 Author Posted June 13, 2022 6 hours ago, giotto said: Are you having multiple sessions every day? Ah, bless... I remember those times! We mainly see each other just on the weekend, so I make the most of it. 1
Alpacalia Posted June 14, 2022 Posted June 14, 2022 (edited) On 6/13/2022 at 6:16 AM, Scotty Riggs said: Thank you, but I'm not sure what question you're referring to. If you mean my question about her being okay with my sleeping with people, no, she did not say "no." She got uncomfortable and gave a quick, dismissive response. I'm referring to when you asked her, “Would you be comfortable if I was doing that?” (i.e. you having sex with other women) and her response of “Just… do what you’re gonna do, but use protection.” In your position, I would not appreciate that comment for several reasons. His disregard for me, being fine with the possibility of me sleeping with others while simultaneously sleeping with him, or that such a behavior would normally be comfortable for me, shows how little respect he has for me. I am inclined to believe that how much he is likely to care about me or this relationship is a function of his inability to find any problems with me sleeping with other men. I'm guessing that if you don't care about the fact that I might sleep with other men, then it might be because you are also sleeping with other people? In those lines, those are a LOT of assumptions, which ties in to my next point, which is that you need to clarify what that comment meant to her? Then again, it might have been her way of seeing if you had slept with other women or are continuing and/or wanting to, but her phrasing and approach stinks. I would expect a response from her more along the lines of, "Well, that's not something I have to worry about since I know you're only sleeping with me." In relation to my past relationships, I am from another generation. We never had an "official discussion" about this. There are a lot of rules floating around these days about how to talk about exclusivity and relationships, and since no couple or two people are the same, it makes sense that you would want to approach the topic with a degree of fluidity. Edited June 14, 2022 by Alpacalia 1
Author Scotty Riggs Posted June 14, 2022 Author Posted June 14, 2022 33 minutes ago, Alpacalia said: I'm referring to when you asked her, “Would you be comfortable if I was doing that?” (i.e. you having sex with other women) and her response of “Just… do what you’re gonna do, but use protection.” In your position, I would not appreciate that comment for several reasons. His disregard for me, being fine with the possibility of me sleeping with others while simultaneously sleeping with him, or that such a behavior would normally be comfortable for me, shows how little respect he has for me. In those lines, those are a LOT of assumptions, which ties in to my next point, which is that you need to clarify what that comment meant to her? Then again, it might have been her way of seeing if you had slept with other women or are continuing and/or wanting to, but her phrasing and approach stinks. I would expect a response from her more along the lines of, "Well, that's not something I have to worry about since I know you're only sleeping with me." Thank you. I totally agree. She came off shotty and unclear. My follow-up question about my sleeping around very much had a "Wait, what?" tone, and she got uncomfortable. And when I directly asked if my getting an STI test would comfort her, "If you want" was her lousy answer. At best, she was trying to express a concern without showing vulnerability, which doesn't work. I'm inclined to think that was her intention, since she started the convo by voluntarily stating her sexual exclusivity with me. We need to have an open conversation, plain and simple. I, too, just assumed that once you become physical with a new partner, neither person screws around with other people. I find that behavior incredibly immature, lacking integrity, and repulsive. So I've never felt the need for a "talk" about exclusivity. Maybe she had guys mess around on her and now reluctantly accepts that as a reality of early dating, but it's a nonnegotiable for me. At the same time, I do feel like an idiot for having unprotected sex so early with her. 1
ThorntonMelon Posted June 15, 2022 Posted June 15, 2022 Quote I’ve been dating a woman for two months, and we’ve been sexually active for just over one month. We never discussed STIs until last night, after discussing our use of condoms (she has a contraceptive implant, and we both have very sparse and far-back partners in our sexual history). Without being asked, she claimed to only be sleeping with me, then said if I’m sleeping with anyone else that I need to use protection. Pretty normal comment, maybe a hair later than usual to ask the question but not unreasonable. All you had to say is "I'm not sleeping with anyone else, I am exclusive in every way with you" Quote Given my obvious emotional investment in her, I was baffled that she could even think I was sleeping with anyone else at this stage. I told her that sleeping around is absolutely not within my values, then in a perplexed tone, I asked, “Would you be comfortable if I was doing that?” She hesitated, then took a somewhat dismissive/frustrated tone and quickly said “Just… do what you’re gonna do, but use protection.” She asked a question looking for a little reassurance - your answer not only put her on the defensive, but somewhat protested too much. She wasn't asking you about your morals or values, she just wanted you to say you were exclusive. Quote I asked if it would comfort her if I got tested for STIs since it's been several years (but only one partner), and she simply said “If you want to.” Later, we had unprotected sex (her choice) in which she was enthusiastic and joyful. She left my house the next day in good spirits and texted me later. But her referencing my theoretical polygamy has haunted me. It made me feel like she wouldn’t care if I was sleeping around on her, and it’s causing me hurt. Again, simple question she's asked, now you're making it a thing. And Im not sure what is haunting you. You're dating - some people date more casually than others. One of her friends might have put an idea in her head that morning. Who knows. You're almost acting guilty like you are sleeping around, honestly. I know you don't intend to. Quote I realize it's only been two months of dating, I plan to have an open conversation with her about this, because I don’t understand how she 1) Thought I might be sleeping around and 2) Could be okay with that. Personally, I absolutely would not be okay with that, and I assumed most people who don’t directly identify as poly or open relationship would not tolerate it. My past partners have felt the same, without needing to discuss it. My current partner and I have slept at each other’s homes numerous times and are bonding over fun conversations and common interests, not just sex. She gets to ask you anything she wants. Your job is to be confident in yourself and be a great dating partner. Not insecure about a bunch of hypothetical nonsense that she hasn't even hinted at let alone stated. Quote I’d like to see where she’s coming from and understand if “open” rules were common in her previous relationships. Maybe she’s had some one-sided dynamics where men slept around and she was monogamously resigned to it? All conversations about her past partners never cited this. We also met online, and I don't know if she's still using the app or not, but I haven't been concerned. I’ve been rehearsing in my head how I might start the dialogue with her, because sometimes tender issues sneak up on me in the moment and I can choke up a bit. Under no circumstances should you have this conversation. Her past relationships are her business, not yours, stay the hell away from it. You've already overreacted tremendously and I'd strongly recommend not making things worse. My recommendation would be to say nothing more than "hey - the other night you asked if I was sleeping with other people - I just want you to know I'm completely committed to you and to us, and I'm glad you asked if you were concerned but I just want you to know again thats how I feel about you and I hope you feel the same." That's it. No conversation about her values, your values, her past relationships, anything. And if any doubt creeps into your head after that, talk to your therapist and no one else. This is a you thing, not a her thing. And have fun! Sounds like you've got something good going. 2 1
Author Scotty Riggs Posted June 16, 2022 Author Posted June 16, 2022 (edited) 13 hours ago, ThorntonMelon said: My recommendation would be to say nothing more than "hey - the other night you asked if I was sleeping with other people - I just want you to know I'm completely committed to you and to us, and I'm glad you asked if you were concerned but I just want you to know again thats how I feel about you and I hope you feel the same." Thank you. I've had time to think about it, and overall, I agree that I need to keep it short and simple, and prioritize exclusivity. I'm honestly not hung up on her past, but would be fine if she spoke about it, as she has already done without any of my prompting. As you can see by the responses in this thread, opinions on this issue vary a lot, from saying that I would be right to feel alarmed and need to have a serious talk, to people saying I shouldn't even say a peep and pretend it never happened. I was screened for STIs today and will let her know that. I feel like we jumped the gun on going without condoms, and I'm still not sure if we need to go backwards and start using them regularly. Edited June 16, 2022 by Scotty Riggs
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