Scotty Riggs Posted June 11, 2022 Posted June 11, 2022 (edited) I’ve been dating a woman for two months, and we’ve been sexually active for just over one month. We never discussed STIs until last night, after discussing our use of condoms (she has a contraceptive implant, and we both have very sparse and far-back partners in our sexual history). Without being asked, she claimed to only be sleeping with me, then said if I’m sleeping with anyone else that I need to use protection. Given my obvious emotional investment in her, I was baffled that she could even think I was sleeping with anyone else at this stage. I told her that sleeping around is absolutely not within my values, then in a perplexed tone, I asked, “Would you be comfortable if I was doing that?” She hesitated, then took a somewhat dismissive/frustrated tone and quickly said “Just… do what you’re gonna do, but use protection.” I asked if it would comfort her if I got tested for STIs since it's been several years (but only one partner), and she simply said “If you want to.” Later, we had unprotected sex (her choice) in which she was enthusiastic and joyful. She left my house the next day in good spirits and texted me later. But her referencing my theoretical polygamy has haunted me. It made me feel like she wouldn’t care if I was sleeping around on her, and it’s causing me hurt. I realize it's only been two months of dating, I plan to have an open conversation with her about this, because I don’t understand how she 1) Thought I might be sleeping around and 2) Could be okay with that. Personally, I absolutely would not be okay with that, and I assumed most people who don’t directly identify as poly or open relationship would not tolerate it. My past partners have felt the same, without needing to discuss it. My current partner and I have slept at each other’s homes numerous times and are bonding over fun conversations and common interests, not just sex. I’d like to see where she’s coming from and understand if “open” rules were common in her previous relationships. Maybe she’s had some one-sided dynamics where men slept around and she was monogamously resigned to it? All conversations about her past partners never cited this. We also met online, and I don't know if she's still using the app or not, but I haven't been concerned. I’ve been rehearsing in my head how I might start the dialogue with her, because sometimes tender issues sneak up on me in the moment and I can choke up a bit. Edited June 11, 2022 by Scotty Riggs
Ami1uwant Posted June 11, 2022 Posted June 11, 2022 Don’t overthink this…move on…enjoy the relationship 2
Author Scotty Riggs Posted June 11, 2022 Author Posted June 11, 2022 3 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said: Don’t overthink this…move on…enjoy the relationship Thank you. It's possible she casually threw out the hypothetical of my polygamy, then when I questioned her, she realized the idea didn't match my character, maybe felt embarrassed, and just wanted to get out of the conversation.
glows Posted June 11, 2022 Posted June 11, 2022 I suggest coming at this from a different angle. Ask her to date you exclusively. This means you only date or see each other and no one else. See how she responds. Polygamy is in reference to multiple wives or husbands, plural marriage. I believe the term you’re looking for is polyamory or ENM (ethically non-monogamous for committed and partnered couples), what couples who aren’t legally married may use. The point here is that you’re not even an established couple dating exclusively so ask her first and see what she says. You skipped too many steps here. Slow down. 2
Author Scotty Riggs Posted June 12, 2022 Author Posted June 12, 2022 (edited) 1 hour ago, glows said: I suggest coming at this from a different angle. Ask her to date you exclusively. This means you only date or see each other and no one else. See how she responds. Thank you. And I appreciate the correction on the poly terminology. Respectfully, I don't think your suggestion is slowing down. It sounds like a proposition rather than an open conversation. She and I have already talked about our previous relationships and how they've affected us, so trying to understand where her mentality and dating approach with me stems from could allow me to hear her out, without judgment, and see where we line up. I don't care about the "couple" label; I simply am not into screwing multiple people at once. A few weeks ago, she confessed to possibly being "emotionally distant" with me based on her bad relationship last year, and not wanting us to see each other too frequency so early as her ex did. She comes over on the weekend, and every time I notice small tells that we're bonding more. But to your point, I sure as hell am not poly and therefore I absolutely do want us to date exclusively, and I would like to make that clear to her. Edited June 12, 2022 by Scotty Riggs
glows Posted June 12, 2022 Posted June 12, 2022 1 minute ago, Scotty Riggs said: Thank you. And I appreciate the correction on the poly terminology. Respectfully, I don't think your suggestion is slowing down. It sounds like a proposition rather than an open conversation. She and I have already talked about our previous relationships and how they've affected us, so trying to understand where her mentality and dating approach with me stems from could allow me to hear her out, without judgment, and see where we line up. A few weeks ago, she confessed to possibly being "emotionally distant" with me based on her bad relationship last year, and not wanting us to see each other too frequency so early as her ex did. She comes over on the weekend, and every time I notice small tells that we're bonding more. But to your point, I sure as hell am not poly and therefore I absolutely do want us to date exclusively, and I would like to make that clear to her. Yes, focus on exclusivity. I think you could be sabotaging this and appearing too anxious and worried about her past. This may cause some to draw away from you because you’re focused on someone’s past relationships. Be present in the here and now. I don’t suggest being caught up ex-boyfriends or what type of relationships she’s had. If it comes up casually in conversation it would seem fine to me but avoid making a big deal out of it. I think the idea of her being poly is slim. Most individuals don’t engage in that lifestyle for obvious reasons and difficulty managing emotions or attachments. I understand better now where your anxiety is coming from if she did warn you about being emotionally distant. It’s best you observe your interactions and develop your bond over time. Correct me if I’m wrong but it seems like you’re feeling very emotionally attached and a little overwhelmed/anxious. When I mentioned slowing down I meant asking her what she thinks of dating exclusively. Please don’t continue to put yourself out there for individuals who don’t meet your needs in relationship. She shouldn’t be losing her patience with you on ordinary topics like exclusivity or STI tests if both or either of you propose that. Don’t walk on eggshells around someone. Having said that, I’m glad you’re giving this a chance. The positive is that she is seeing you consistently and you are both building trust. I think she’s wise to take time and not rush into a whirlwind romance. See how it goes but know when to walk away if it’s not working anymore. 1
Author Scotty Riggs Posted June 12, 2022 Author Posted June 12, 2022 9 minutes ago, glows said: I think the idea of her being poly is slim. Most individuals don’t engage in that lifestyle for obvious reasons and difficulty managing emotions or attachments. I agree. That's why her implication that I could be poly while dating her was so jarring. 9 minutes ago, glows said: I understand better now where your anxiety is coming from if she did warn you about being emotionally distant. It’s best you observe your interactions and develop your bond over time. Correct me if I’m wrong but it seems like you’re feeling very emotionally attached and a little overwhelmed/anxious. Your observation is correct. I've definitely felt attached and anxious about her, even though she's always proven to be interested in me and slowly built a bond with me in her understated ways. Frustrating as it can be, I think she's actually forced me into having patience with her, slowed me down, and helped create balance in our dynamic. I really appreciate this advice, glows. Everyone gives a different opinion about establishing dating exclusivity and gets so caught up in official labels like "couple" and "relationship." I'm not concerned with labels--just practical, day-to-day behaviors. If two people have been in a sexual relationship for several months, it blows my mind that they could wait that long before finally clarifying whether or not they're dating each other exclusively. 1
glows Posted June 12, 2022 Posted June 12, 2022 3 hours ago, Scotty Riggs said: I agree. That's why her implication that I could be poly while dating her was so jarring. Your observation is correct. I've definitely felt attached and anxious about her, even though she's always proven to be interested in me and slowly built a bond with me in her understated ways. Frustrating as it can be, I think she's actually forced me into having patience with her, slowed me down, and helped create balance in our dynamic. I really appreciate this advice, glows. Everyone gives a different opinion about establishing dating exclusivity and gets so caught up in official labels like "couple" and "relationship." I'm not concerned with labels--just practical, day-to-day behaviors. If two people have been in a sexual relationship for several months, it blows my mind that they could wait that long before finally clarifying whether or not they're dating each other exclusively. I agree with you. I’m old fashioned though and may slip into labels easily by nature. The bottomline is you both understand one another and see eye to eye. I didn’t see her earlier comment as suggesting you’re poly. Casual sex with multiple partners does not make one poly or of the poly community or choosing a poly lifestyle. A person may just like multiple casual encounters or not be committed or have feelings for anyone. I’d let go of this idea as it seems to be complicating things too much. To me, it sounded more like she was fishing for you to say that you’re the only one she’s sleeping with. If you both can communicate a bit better it would minimize misunderstandings like this. Be confident in what you’re building together. I think establishing that you’re dating exclusively is important and you can ask her if she’d like to date you exclusively. And also, don’t keep things too open-ended. At the end of the day you’re not necessarily there to help someone work through their issues and hang ups with the world. You’re dating to see whether a person matches you in what you’re looking for and is potentially ready to share their life with you. Don’t settle for anything less than that. 1
Gaeta Posted June 12, 2022 Posted June 12, 2022 So she wants unprotected sex so that makes it safe for you to do so? You know nothing of her history. She's a stranger you met on the internet, you're suspecting she may have had open relationships before so I strongly suggest you both get tested for STI. Nowadays there is no such a thing as 'instant trust' when we have a new partner. Don't you find unusual that she assumes you have sex elsewhere but wants unprotected sex? How do you know she really has an implant? Like l said you know nothing of her history, she could be having unprotected sex around, just like she does with you. 2
BaileyB Posted June 12, 2022 Posted June 12, 2022 13 hours ago, Scotty Riggs said: she has a contraceptive implant, and we both have very sparse and far-back partners in our sexual history This seems discongruous is to me. Are you sure that SHE is the not the one with another partner. 13 hours ago, Scotty Riggs said: Later, we had unprotected sex Why are you having unprotected sex with a woman you have known for two months! First, you just discussed getting tested for STIs and then - you have unprotected sex! And second - how do you know for sure that she is I sing birth control - you are just going to take her word for it? This woman you have known for all of two months? The woman you don’t really trust right now because she implied that you may have another partner (which is usually code for - she has an another partner). My friend, get yourself tested and use a condoms lest you find yourself with a problem. 3
smackie9 Posted June 12, 2022 Posted June 12, 2022 Her questioning your sexual activity with others is normal and no reflection on you as a person. BUT you both should keep using condoms and get tested together regardless of what you know about your background. At two months you are still strangers, even at 6 months you can't possibly really know them that well enough to trust them with your sexual health. Also you need to have a serious talk/discussion about in the event of a pregnancy. Never ever trust a woman you barely know to handle the birth control. You just may have been duped into having a baby pulling that condom off. 4 1
dramafreezone Posted June 12, 2022 Posted June 12, 2022 (edited) 15 hours ago, Scotty Riggs said: Thank you. It's possible she casually threw out the hypothetical of my polygamy, then when I questioned her, she realized the idea didn't match my character, maybe felt embarrassed, and just wanted to get out of the conversation. I think polygamy is generally defined as having multiple wives with the consent of all involved, not just being sexually involved with more than one person. Having more than one sexual partner at a time is increasingly common and not necessarily a reflection of a person's behavior when they're in a committed relationship or married. It sounds like she wants the two of you to be exclusive, and that was the meaning behind her question. I would just leave it alone for now, it'll probably come up again soon. At that point maybe just ask her why she's asking and what she wants. Edited June 12, 2022 by dramafreezone
introverted1 Posted June 12, 2022 Posted June 12, 2022 16 hours ago, Scotty Riggs said: Later, we had unprotected sex (her choice) in which she was enthusiastic and joyful. Yikes. Babies are forever. As are some STIs. Wrap it up until/unless you both get tested.
SumGuy Posted June 12, 2022 Posted June 12, 2022 16 hours ago, Scotty Riggs said: ... She left my house the next day in good spirits and texted me later. But her referencing my theoretical polygamy has haunted me. It made me feel like she wouldn’t care if I was sleeping around on her, and it’s causing me hurt. ... She cares, as you surmise it may be something in her expereince where she is not requiring monogamy...maybe she has bought in to me are just that way...plenty of apologists out there who say so. This is all new so she may not want to require too much too soon...although to me monogamy is baseline. There is only so much words can do, but me personally would reassure her you are one woman at a time person (her comments could be fishing for reassurance...asking her if she really would be OK with it is not reassuring...it is the opposite actually), and you want exclusivity/monogamy when sleeping with someone, and you would be not OK with it reversed (her sleeping with someone else) if that is so. Sadly, I believe there are men who say they are monogamous but that is only until some low hanging fruit comes along or they get "bored" then comes out the pseudo-science excuses. Wouldn't overthink it, be the honorable and reliable you. If anything don't feel hurt, she is not doubting you personally and the fact that she would be "OK" with it (not really but you know what I mean) shows she thinks you are worth the risk. 2
Author Scotty Riggs Posted June 12, 2022 Author Posted June 12, 2022 1 hour ago, dramafreezone said: Having more than one sexual partner at a time is increasingly common and not necessarily a reflection of a person's behavior when they're in a committed relationship or married. It sounds like she wants the two of you to be exclusive, and that was the meaning behind her question. I would just leave it alone for now, it'll probably come up again soon. At that point maybe just ask her why she's asking and what she wants. I should just wait for it to come up again? No, we're adults. It needs to be discussed and clarified. Also, how is screwing multiple people "not a reflection of behavior"? 3 hours ago, BaileyB said: This seems discongruous is to me. Are you sure that SHE is the not the one with another partner. She left a LTR last year. Hence the implant, which is active for three years. 4 hours ago, Gaeta said: How do you know she really has an implant? Like l said you know nothing of her history, she could be having unprotected sex around, just like she does with you. You can feel the implant in her arm. She's had it since her last LTR. 1
BrinnM Posted June 12, 2022 Posted June 12, 2022 56 minutes ago, SumGuy said: Sadly, I believe there are men who say they are monogamous but that is only until some low hanging fruit comes along or they get "bored" then comes out the pseudo-science excuses. So true haha. @Scotty RiggsI wouldn't take what she said personally, or as being offensive – at all. If anything, I think it was an attempt to get some reassurance from you. The statement sounds like there are some insecurity issues on her part, almost like she doesn't know exactly where she stands at the moment, and instead of asking you directly, she just made that statement, probably hoping you would act surprised/a little insulted. It was her slightly passive-aggressive way of getting you to tell her that she's the only one for you. Why did she not ask you directly? Self-protection. She does not want to appear needy or insecure, especially after such a short period of dating. Many people multi-date, and if you date someone for only a few months, without having the exclusivity talk, you almost have to assume that they see other people. Multi-dating is a thing especially in the U.S., btw, not so much elsewhere, so I am assuming that's where you're located? 1
Ami1uwant Posted June 12, 2022 Posted June 12, 2022 4 hours ago, Scotty Riggs said: I should just wait for it to come up again? No, we're adults. It needs to be discussed and clarified. Also, how is screwing multiple people "not a reflection of behavior"? She left a LTR last year. Hence the implant, which is active for three years. You can feel the implant in her arm. She's had it since her last LTR. she might have been sarcastic in her reply about poly.. you guys aren’t a couple yet so youare free to screw around. polygo y meandps married to multiple people at once. polyamarous means youare sleeping with multiple people at the same time and it can encompass bisexuality.
Author Scotty Riggs Posted June 13, 2022 Author Posted June 13, 2022 8 hours ago, Ami1uwant said: she might have been sarcastic in her reply about poly.. you guys aren’t a couple yet so youare free to screw around. Who on Earth made this rule that everyone is free to have sex with multiple people without telling their sex partners about their lifestyle? That makes about as much sense as a married man being able to participate in gay orgies without his wife’s knowledge because it lies outside the boundaries of their straight, child-bearing marriage.
Alpacalia Posted June 13, 2022 Posted June 13, 2022 (edited) Putting myself in your position, I would find her comments offensive. Regardless of what she means by her comment, the important thing is that it has sapped your confidence in your relationship, correct? Any comment that causes you to lose trust in your partner is a warning sign. Are you dating? Friends with benefits? What exactly? Are you guys exclusive? Did you have a conversation in the past about any of this? Your question indicates to me you have not been as direct with her as you should be. Perhaps neither has she. Since you are the one who wants to know, I suggest you become more direct. That would help you find out what she is actually thinking. Or, you could take her at her word and assume that she doesn't care if you are sleeping with other women. However, if you want to be sure, then ASK HER. As I see it, neither of you have been direct enough and that at the very least you like her and are hoping that she cares. Well, so far she has said no, I assume to a direct question. So, take her word for it. Edited June 13, 2022 by Alpacalia 1
giotto Posted June 13, 2022 Posted June 13, 2022 When did you have this conversation? Just before sex? Or randomly?
Author Scotty Riggs Posted June 13, 2022 Author Posted June 13, 2022 2 hours ago, giotto said: When did you have this conversation? Just before sex? Or randomly? Lying in bed, between sessions. She got notably uncomfortable at my question and tried to wrap up the discussion with her "do what you're gonna do" response. So I think the idea that I'd sleep around probably made her uncomfortable. I hope it did. 4 hours ago, Alpacalia said: Well, so far she has said no, I assume to a direct question. So, take her word for it. Thank you, but I'm not sure what question you're referring to. If you mean my question about her being okay with my sleeping with people, no, she did not say "no." She got uncomfortable and gave a quick, dismissive response. 1
Author Scotty Riggs Posted June 13, 2022 Author Posted June 13, 2022 (edited) 4 hours ago, Alpacalia said: Are you dating? Friends with benefits? What exactly? Are you guys exclusive? Did you have a conversation in the past about any of this? We are dating. We haven't talked about exclusivity. Nothing about her personality, background, or dating profile has indicated that she would be okay with screwing multiple people at once. But I really value her, and obviously I need to address our status with a direct conversation. Edited June 13, 2022 by Scotty Riggs
giotto Posted June 13, 2022 Posted June 13, 2022 26 minutes ago, Scotty Riggs said: Lying in bed, between sessions. Are you having multiple sessions every day? Ah, bless... I remember those times! But I have to echo what other have said: you two have different concepts of what constitutes a relationship. I am with you, though: after 2 months, I would consider it a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. Just have a chat with her. 1
Ami1uwant Posted June 13, 2022 Posted June 13, 2022 43 minutes ago, Scotty Riggs said: We are dating. We haven't talked about exclusivity. Nothing about her personality, background, or dating profile has indicated that she would be okay with screwing multiple people at once. But I really value her, and obviously I need to address our status with a direct conversation. With many….exclusivity is talked about before sex happens. 1
Author Scotty Riggs Posted June 13, 2022 Author Posted June 13, 2022 11 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said: With many….exclusivity is talked about before sex happens. That makes sense. For us, we hadn't done anything physical beyond hugging until the night we kissed and slept together. So in our case, during the build up to jumping in bed would have been the appropriate time to talk about it. Who knows what her experience with this is. Maybe she usually lets the man run these conversations. Either way, we should have talked about it.
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