Partner with violent anger issues

[weddingdoubts]

My partner has some violent anger issues that I need some advice on how to suggest they begin to deal with them. I am happy to take them to a therapist (if they agree to go) but I don’t want it to be couple’s therapy. I could also buy them a book (any recommendations)? …or does anyone have any other suggestions / ideas? Thanks! 

[stillafool]

He isn't going to read the book so don't even waste your money.  I'm sorry you are going through this.   Has he hit you yet?  My advice is the next time he gets in your face pack your bags and leave.  Tell him you will not return until he show you proof that he is in Anger Management Therapy.  This is the only thing that may work.  Whatever you do do not have kids with him.

[weddingdoubts]

Thanks, stillafool

I have left a couple times, for a month or so each time, but this only happens every 3-4 months, and we kinda at east acknowledge it is a problem that needs to be addressed now. I was just wondering if anyone had any suggestions other than therapy & books? Thanks! 

[stillafool]

48 minutes ago, weddingdoubts said:

I was just wondering if anyone had any suggestions other than therapy & books? Thanks! 

The only thing that makes a real impact is to leave because then he knows you are serious about leaving if there isn't a change.  Does he hit walls or just yell and scream at you?

[glows]

It doesn’t work that way. Abusers with explosive anger issues or people who take things out on other people or other things are not thinking calmly like you. Their anger is not a rational response. You like many others have tried to change abusers but they don’t change, not with a lot of rehabilitation and help. 

If he acknowledges it’s a problem as well, how is he looking for help? Is he seeing anyone? I don’t recommend staying with someone like this. No matter what he tells you it doesn’t have anything to do with you. You’re not responsible for his anger problems or the way he can’t manage his violence or his anger. 

Also be mindful that not all abuse is violent or physical. There’s also emotional/mental abuse and keeping you stuck or thinking that you deserve that kind of life with him.

[ShyViolet]

No, I don't have any suggestions because it doesn't work that way.  You can't "fix" his problems and you cannot change a person.

Your username, "wedding doubts", does that mean you are engaged to this man?

[basil67]

I had a look at your history.  You said that you believe your wife has NPD.  Now, if it's true that she has NPD, you are probably aware from your research that she will not be able to see that she's at fault.  And if she doesn't want to take responsibility an initiate change, then there's nothing you can do. 

Your only two options are to accept it or leave.  I vote that you should leave

 

[vla1120]

3 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Your only two options are to accept it or leave.  I vote that you should leave

I second this opinion.^^^^

[ClearEyes-FullHeart]

4 hours ago, weddingdoubts said:

I have left a couple times, for a month or so each time, but this only

Sorry this got posted by mistake. I was actually trying to quote the part where you said “only happens every 3 to 4 months” - that is a lot. I’d be gone for good as you have already left many times, and he hasn’t done the work. You are signing up for a lifetime of pain and misery if you marry this person with anger issues.

Edited June 12, 2022 by ClearEyes-FullHeart

[BaileyB]

5 hours ago, weddingdoubts said:

does anyone have any other suggestions / ideas?

Divorce. 

There is no place in my home or life for a spouse who has violent anger issues. I value my own peace of mind and happiness too much…

Edited June 12, 2022 by BaileyB

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, weddingdoubts said:

I was just wondering if anyone had any suggestions other than therapy & books?

I don't think you're going to find effective solutions that don't involve therapy. 

Books aren't effective either, if someone is violent and abusive. 

Intensive, ongoing and consistent therapy is the only way - or leaving the marriage. 

[Will am I]

You write your life partner has issues with anger management.

My question in response to everyone who says their partner has issues: “does he/she have an issue? or do the people around them have an issue with their behavior?”

The first step to a solution is that the person with the problematic behavior should become the person who experiences the behavior as a problem. If no problem is experienced, there is no motivation for change. When you’re speaking NPD, it only becomes a problem to the narcissist after their spouse left and they ran out of alternatives.

 

[deepthinking]

Do you think he gets his issues when/if facing a bigger opponent?   Hell no.  Sorry,  but books and therapy are not needed.   Just face the fact and emancipate yourself.   He likes being like that. Chooses it. 

Edited June 12, 2022 by deepthinking

[basil67]

@ClearEyes-FullHeart @deepthinking for the record, the abusive partner is female.  I left a link to the previous thread above 

 

 

[ClearEyes-FullHeart]

Thanks for alerting me @basil67 and apologies for my error OP. 

[Els]

On 6/12/2022 at 8:52 AM, weddingdoubts said:

but this only happens every 3-4 months

"Only" is not really the word that I'd use to describe a violent outburst once every 3-4 months.

[Madame Iris]

I’m not going to assume your partner is a “he.” One thing to ask yourself is, “Did they have this behavior when we met?” How did they treat the people around them? Do they want the same things you want out of life or did they trick you into assuming that they did? Don’t stay with a dysfunctional security blanket. 

[mark clemson]

ONE incident is not a pattern. THIS is multiple instances.

Addressing NPD is, from what I understand, something trained professionals find quite difficult. It's WAY above your paygrade as a partner, and even if it wasn't, you'd need to recuse yourself. You cannot fix this person, and the therapist may find it quite challenging.

These folks are apparently good at sniffing out people they can rope into a highly dysfunctional (abusive in your case) relationship. If you're not married to this person, I would STRONGLY suggest NEVER taking that step.

[stillafool]

On 6/12/2022 at 8:28 PM, basil67 said:

@ClearEyes-FullHeart @deepthinking for the record, the abusive partner is female.  I left a link to the previous thread above 

 

 

OP, it doesn't matter if the partner is a man or a woman my advice is the same.  Run, now!

[pepperbird2]

Op, unless your spouse thinks there's a problem, nothing will change. In he mind, it could well be that since you're the one who is upset by her anger, you should change.

that's the way abusers think. they often blame everyone but themselves.

[Myabee]

On 7/13/2022 at 3:58 PM, pepperbird2 said:

that's the way abusers think. they often blame everyone but themselves.

100% correct. OP... honestly if he is abusive you should divorce him. You deserve so much more.