Casual or serious?

[ShyViolet]

I don't think you should ask him all these questions right now, about what his "intentions" are, or if he sees potential for a long-term relationship with you.  That is a completely weird thing to do after only 4 dates.  That's a great way to scare him off.  The only way to find out if this has serious potential is to just keep seeing him, and let it unfold.  Putting pressure on it and overthinking it is not helpful and will just sabotage any potential that this relationship may have.  You need to relax and stop feeling the need to have all the answers NOW.  He probably doesn't even know if this relationship has serious potential.  You are just getting to know each other.

[Daniella B]

15 hours ago, Guildford said:

I have been married for half a century and I really don't understand todays dating norms, but here goes.  You really won't know the guy's real intentions until you have been together for about a decade and if you keep your powder dry that long the relationship won't last that long.  If you really like the guy and the signs look good, then go for it; are you really any the worse off if two months from now you discover that he really only wanted you for sex?  From my perspective, I believe you should trust your instincts and go for it.

That’s a fair point you mention. Thank you for your insight

[Daniella B]

12 hours ago, glows said:

We don't know what happens in the future but time does tend to give us a better idea of a person. You can step back and observe a bit more, go on a few more dates and find out about his character. 

I think four dates is too soon to tell but I also don't see how a few sexual encounters with someone you like will lead to an fwb situation. Having sex a few times with someone you care about and vice versa doesn't make it fwb or casual sex.

It means that you're having sex with someone whom you think there's potential with, regardless if it may change in the future. It's the fwb definition that seems quite rigid and since you're trying to avoid it, it's causing you to second guess his intentions or the whole situation. Be more confident walking away from something/someone that no longer works for you. And also avoid judging yourself so harshly for having sex outside of a traditional relationship in the getting to know you stages. I wouldn't suggest you do anything you're uncomfortable with but I do think it would be good to loosen up a bit.

This has been really helpful! Thanks so much

[Daniella B]

10 hours ago, dramafreezone said:

He said what I would say if I were meeting a woman.  I don't like to begin things by saying I'm looing for a relationship.  I'm just looking to have a good time and get to know this person, and I certainly would be open to a relationship if things really clicked.  I think what he *said* reflects a balanced approach to dating and is meant to avoid leading you on in case things don't click.

Ultimately you have to see how things unfold.  You can't infer his intentions at this point, this is the risky part about dating.  He may be into you, or he may lose interest soon.  You can only know for sure by experiencing it.

You could go straight for the jugular and ask him "what his intentions are" but honestly if it were me I would find it to be a turn-off.  Just my opinion, but I want to date someone that is enjoying dating and is present in the moment, not someone that sounds like they want to skip straight to the relationship.  That is inherently risky, but I think you cannot find a truly amazing partner if you are not willing to completely put your heart on the line.

Very insightful, thank you! 

[Calmandfocused]

For those looking for a long term relationship I usually advise against dating those who have just come out a long term relationship. 
 

I very much doubt this guy is over a 5 year relationship in the space of 3 months. 

It is possible you could end up dating this man seriously? Yes! Is it probable? No! 

I think he’s excited about his newly single status and is testing the dating  waters - prematurely! 
 

He may be taking it very slow with you as he’s been out the dating game for a while. It’s possible. 
 

Also just a word of caution. I usually find; “I’m not looking for a relationship but I’m open to it with the right person” translates to: 

“I definitely do not want a relationship but I still want to date, therefore I don’t want to say anything that will put people off” 

Bear that in mind. 

[Daniella B]

17 hours ago, salparadise said:

Since he was taking it slowly on the first three dates I think it's safe to surmise that he's interested in more than sex. However, adult dating someone in the 21st century includes a few expectations. Given that he's fresh off of a longer-term relationship that didn't end so well, he's probably going to be guarded about going all-in too fast (reasonably so). So, like the others, I think you need to date, have a good time, get to know each other, and not put pressure on him to make promises or declarations of intent. If you choose to abstain prior to some type of declaration, that's certainly your right... but in this case I think it's likely to fail.

A man coming out of a situation in which he got burned is more likely looking for a soft place to lay his head, not a challenging-demanding type of thing where he has to appease someone. Everyone is different and I don't know your guy, so I can't say anything definitively... I'm just saying that since he has demonstrated a certain amount of intent by not being pushy, I think you should assume he is sincere without expecting too much. And if you want things to progress... you have to take the risk. 

Thank you very much for this!

[smackie9]

Just me but, it's a yellow flag when after the first time kissing he's already wanting to take it into the bedroom. Not a good sign IMO. I have read many threads before when it's the same thing..."I am not looking for anything serious, BUT there is a possibility for a relationship if the right person..." It actually turns out to be bull crap. It's there to put one at ease so sex can be in the cards. It's always a crap shoot tho. It's might be fine for another few weeks then one of you might not be feeling it. IMO 4 dates isn't long enough to know anyone's intentions. So here you are, should you take a gamble? That's up to you.

My experience, the right guy is the one that waits for my cue to have sex.

Edited June 12, 2022 by smackie9

[Gaeta]

I'm an experienced dater and I would not date this man for the same reasons my co-members have mentionned. What I want to add is men do not handle breakups the way women do. They tend to fill the void as soon as possible instead of licking their wounds. They also rarely commit to the first women they date after a seperation, they will go through several transition girlfriends. I was watching a documentary on men vs. women after a breakup and they said right after a seperation men feel a great sense of freedom for a couple of months (going back to dating right away) and are hit with the regrets and sadness a few months later, see 1-2  years later. As for us women we tend to experience the regrets and sadness right away that's why we deal with our feelings right away post breakup. 

Edited June 12, 2022 by Gaeta

[stillafool]

What exactly is the rush to get him tied to a relationship anyway?  Why not just have some fun and let the rest take care of itself in time.

[Ami1uwant]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I'm an experienced dater and I would not date this man for the same reasons my co-members have mentionned. What I want to add is men do not handle breakups the way women do. They tend to fill the void as soon as possible instead of licking their wounds. They also rarely commit to the first women they date after a seperation, they will go through several transition girlfriends. I was watching a documentary on men vs. women after a breakup and they said right after a seperation men feel a great sense of freedom for a couple of months (going back to dating right away) and are hit with the regrets and sadness a few months later, see 1-2  years later. As for us women we tend to experience the regrets and sadness right away that's why we deal with our feelings right away post breakup. 

Yes and no….it depends on the situation around the break up of a LTR.

 

as I said menseparate sex from love much more than women do.

[divegrl]

Well you just have to experience it and see how it goes. 
 

Wishing you the best!!!

[smackie9]

Sex shouldn't be taken as a form of relationship currency. You have sex to enjoy it and because you want it. If nothing comes of it, move onto the next.