Casual or serious?

[Daniella B]

.

[Daniella B]

I met a guy via online dating. When we first started talking and getting to know each other a bit through messaging he had mentioned that his previous relationship was longer than 5 years and it had been a few months since they broke up, therefore he wasn’t looking for anything too serious but was open to the idea if he met the right person. I on the other hand am looking for a relationship as I don’t do fwb.

We’ve had 4 dates and they’ve all been great. We get along really well, have great banter and we check in with each other basically every day through message. 
We finally kissed for the first time on our fourth date which ended up being a short make out session. He made a comment that implied he wanted to move to the bedroom but I said no as it was late and needed to get going as I had work the next day 

My gut tells me that maybe he has met the right person with me and he’s not interested in just a bit of fun. Correct me if I’m wrong, but if All he wants is sex then would he not have tried to make a move on our first date (or second or third for that matter)? I’ve only ever seen him in the evenings but we have tried to make daytime plans which I’ve been busy for. He told me that he has mentioned me to his friends before which also kind of tells me that he’s not just wanting FTB…

im thinking of just asking him straight out what his intentions are but I’m so inexperienced with dating and don’t want to scare him off or put him on the spot. Or does it sound like he really is looking for something serious?

 

thoughts?

[ccas93]

3 minutes ago, Daniella B said:

I met a guy via online dating. When we first started talking and getting to know each other a bit through messaging he had mentioned that his previous relationship was longer than 5 years and it had been a few months since they broke up, therefore he wasn’t looking for anything too serious but was open to the idea if he met the right person. I on the other hand am looking for a relationship as I don’t do fwb.

We’ve had 4 dates and they’ve all been great. We get along really well, have great banter and we check in with each other basically every day through message. 
We finally kissed for the first time on our fourth date which ended up being a short make out session. He made a comment that implied he wanted to move to the bedroom but I said no as it was late and needed to get going as I had work the next day 

My gut tells me that maybe he has met the right person with me and he’s not interested in just a bit of fun. Correct me if I’m wrong, but if All he wants is sex then would he not have tried to make a move on our first date (or second or third for that matter)? I’ve only ever seen him in the evenings but we have tried to make daytime plans which I’ve been busy for. He told me that he has mentioned me to his friends before which also kind of tells me that he’s not just wanting FTB…

im thinking of just asking him straight out what his intentions are but I’m so inexperienced with dating and don’t want to scare him off or put him on the spot. Or does it sound like he really is looking for something serious?

 

thoughts?

if it took four dates for a kiss, and he talks with you every day, I doubt he's looking just to get in your pants, unless he's socially awkward and doesn't know how to escalate things. 

[ExpatInItaly]

33 minutes ago, Daniella B said:

Or does it sound like he really is looking for something serious?

It's far too soon to tell.  

He might not be looking for just sex, but he also might not be looking for a new girlfriend either. Lots of people are okay with casual dating without commitment, and after 4 dates, I'd say it's too soon to know if that's what he wants. Keep in mind that people fresh out of long-term relationships may not always know what they want, either. 

I would give it a bit more time and observe. 

[basil67]

I'd suggest tell him how you're feeling when you're outside of the bedroom. 

Obviously, he can't commit to you at this stage, but as he knows you don't want casual sex then it's not unreasonable that he could at least confirm whether or not he's also seeing others and if he feels that this could have potential of developing.    There are no guarantees, but this conversation should not come as a shock to him.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Daniella B said:

Im thinking of just asking him straight out what his intentions 

Everything is casual until it's serious. You can't really have a definite the relationship talk after 4 dates. You don't even know each other. Dating is to get know each other. If you are anxious about intimacy then take your time.

[Daniella B]

3 hours ago, basil67 said:

I'd suggest tell him how you're feeling when you're outside of the bedroom. 

Obviously, he can't commit to you at this stage, but as he knows you don't want casual sex then it's not unreasonable that he could at least confirm whether or not he's also seeing others and if he feels that this could have potential of developing.    There are no guarantees, but this conversation should not come as a shock to him.

You’re right on the money there! I just want to know whether or not he sees potential in something serious developing in the future so I can have some reassurance and know that I’m not wasting my time or his.

[Daniella B]

54 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Everything is casual until it's serious. You can't really have a definite the relationship talk after 4 dates. You don't even know each other. Dating is to get know each other. If you are anxious about intimacy then take your time.

, I just want to know what his intentions are so we’re not wasting each other’s time.

[Daniella B]

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

It's far too soon to tell.  

He might not be looking for just sex, but he also might not be looking for a new girlfriend either. Lots of people are okay with casual dating without commitment, and after 4 dates, I'd say it's too soon to know if that's what he wants. Keep in mind that people fresh out of long-term relationships may not always know what they want, either. 

I would give it a bit more time and observe. 

Thank you for your advice. Do you think I could try and ask him about his previous relationship if he feels okay to open up about it? All I know is that it was toxic and ended badly.

[Weezy1973]

3 minutes ago, Daniella B said:

, I just want to know what his intentions are so we’re not wasting each other’s time.

There are no guarantees no matter what. He likely doesn’t really know at this point. It sounds like he is in “relationship mode” as that has been his life for a long time. Him moving more slowly likely doesn’t have much meaning in terms of relationship or casual. 

[Daniella B]

4 hours ago, ccas93 said:

if it took four dates for a kiss, and he talks with you every day, I doubt he's looking just to get in your pants, unless he's socially awkward and doesn't know how to escalate things. 

He’s definitely not socially awkward thank god! I just think that it took him longer because of his  previous relationship which was toxic apparently so maybe he didn’t want to rush anything with me. Which is also makes me think that he isn’t just trying to use me for his own pleasure…

[Wiseman2]

44 minutes ago, Daniella B said:

 I just want to know what his intentions are so we’re not wasting each other’s time.

What do you mean by "intentions"? It's an unfair question because you want him to have a crystal ball without even really knowing you. If you are too anxious to date, slow down and take your time getting to know him. If getting to know each other to gauge compatibility, chemistry etc., is "a waste of time", you're not off to a good start. Especially if you have a preconceived notion that  anyone can "use" you. Either you have mutual interest, or you don't.

Edited June 11, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Guildford]

I have been married for half a century and I really don't understand todays dating norms, but here goes.  You really won't know the guy's real intentions until you have been together for about a decade and if you keep your powder dry that long the relationship won't last that long.  If you really like the guy and the signs look good, then go for it; are you really any the worse off if two months from now you discover that he really only wanted you for sex?  From my perspective, I believe you should trust your instincts and go for it.

[Amanda92]

He already told you he is not looking for anything serious. Just listen to him. He is a big boy and he knows what he says. If you want a relationship than don't sleep with him casually.

[glows]

9 hours ago, Daniella B said:

I met a guy via online dating. When we first started talking and getting to know each other a bit through messaging he had mentioned that his previous relationship was longer than 5 years and it had been a few months since they broke up, therefore he wasn’t looking for anything too serious but was open to the idea if he met the right person. I on the other hand am looking for a relationship as I don’t do fwb.

We’ve had 4 dates and they’ve all been great. We get along really well, have great banter and we check in with each other basically every day through message. 
We finally kissed for the first time on our fourth date which ended up being a short make out session. He made a comment that implied he wanted to move to the bedroom but I said no as it was late and needed to get going as I had work the next day 

My gut tells me that maybe he has met the right person with me and he’s not interested in just a bit of fun. Correct me if I’m wrong, but if All he wants is sex then would he not have tried to make a move on our first date (or second or third for that matter)? I’ve only ever seen him in the evenings but we have tried to make daytime plans which I’ve been busy for. He told me that he has mentioned me to his friends before which also kind of tells me that he’s not just wanting FTB…

im thinking of just asking him straight out what his intentions are but I’m so inexperienced with dating and don’t want to scare him off or put him on the spot. Or does it sound like he really is looking for something serious?

thoughts?

We don't know what happens in the future but time does tend to give us a better idea of a person. You can step back and observe a bit more, go on a few more dates and find out about his character. 

I think four dates is too soon to tell but I also don't see how a few sexual encounters with someone you like will lead to an fwb situation. Having sex a few times with someone you care about and vice versa doesn't make it fwb or casual sex.

It means that you're having sex with someone whom you think there's potential with, regardless if it may change in the future. It's the fwb definition that seems quite rigid and since you're trying to avoid it, it's causing you to second guess his intentions or the whole situation. Be more confident walking away from something/someone that no longer works for you. And also avoid judging yourself so harshly for having sex outside of a traditional relationship in the getting to know you stages. I wouldn't suggest you do anything you're uncomfortable with but I do think it would be good to loosen up a bit.

Edited June 11, 2022 by glows

[Alpacalia]

Asking him this question may quiet your fears, but it's unfair to put that burden on him.

Regardless, there's nothing wrong with admitting that you are attracted to him sexually, but feel a bit vulnerable at this time.

There is no need to rush. Make sure you take your time until you are confident about your relation and are ready for intimacy with one another.

Intimacy and sex play can emerge at various levels, and they do not always have to engage in penetrative interactions. 

Edited June 11, 2022 by Alpacalia

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, Daniella B said:

Do you think I could try and ask him about his previous relationship if he feels okay to open up about it? All I know is that it was toxic and ended badly.

No, I don't think that's a good idea. 

You hardly know him and his previous relationship isn't really your business. Keep the focus on things are developing with you rather than prying into his past. 

[dramafreezone]

11 hours ago, Daniella B said:

I met a guy via online dating. When we first started talking and getting to know each other a bit through messaging he had mentioned that his previous relationship was longer than 5 years and it had been a few months since they broke up, therefore he wasn’t looking for anything too serious but was open to the idea if he met the right person. I on the other hand am looking for a relationship as I don’t do fwb.

We’ve had 4 dates and they’ve all been great. We get along really well, have great banter and we check in with each other basically every day through message. 
We finally kissed for the first time on our fourth date which ended up being a short make out session. He made a comment that implied he wanted to move to the bedroom but I said no as it was late and needed to get going as I had work the next day 

My gut tells me that maybe he has met the right person with me and he’s not interested in just a bit of fun. Correct me if I’m wrong, but if All he wants is sex then would he not have tried to make a move on our first date (or second or third for that matter)? I’ve only ever seen him in the evenings but we have tried to make daytime plans which I’ve been busy for. He told me that he has mentioned me to his friends before which also kind of tells me that he’s not just wanting FTB…

im thinking of just asking him straight out what his intentions are but I’m so inexperienced with dating and don’t want to scare him off or put him on the spot. Or does it sound like he really is looking for something serious?

 

thoughts?

He said what I would say if I were meeting a woman.  I don't like to begin things by saying I'm looing for a relationship.  I'm just looking to have a good time and get to know this person, and I certainly would be open to a relationship if things really clicked.  I think what he *said* reflects a balanced approach to dating and is meant to avoid leading you on in case things don't click.

Ultimately you have to see how things unfold.  You can't infer his intentions at this point, this is the risky part about dating.  He may be into you, or he may lose interest soon.  You can only know for sure by experiencing it.

You could go straight for the jugular and ask him "what his intentions are" but honestly if it were me I would find it to be a turn-off.  Just my opinion, but I want to date someone that is enjoying dating and is present in the moment, not someone that sounds like they want to skip straight to the relationship.  That is inherently risky, but I think you cannot find a truly amazing partner if you are not willing to completely put your heart on the line.

Edited June 11, 2022 by dramafreezone

[stillafool]

4 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

Just my opinion, but I want to date someone that is enjoying dating and is present in the moment, not someone that sounds like they want to skip straight to the relationship. 

I agree and I'm a woman.  Back when I was dating the talk of a relationship so soon would have scared me off too.  I would have no idea if I wanted to be in a relationship until we spent a good amount of time together and I need to know we are sexually compatible before I commit.  If I were just getting out of a 5 year relationship it would have to be someone who truly blows my mind to make me want to commit early.  I would need at least 1-2 years before I'd be ready to settle down again and I'd probably be dating others as well.

[Ami1uwant]

12 hours ago, Daniella B said:

I met a guy via online dating. When we first started talking and getting to know each other a bit through messaging he had mentioned that his previous relationship was longer than 5 years and it had been a few months since they broke up, therefore he wasn’t looking for anything too serious but was open to the idea if he met the right person. I on the other hand am looking for a relationship as I don’t do fwb.

We’ve had 4 dates and they’ve all been great. We get along really well, have great banter and we check in with each other basically every day through message. 
We finally kissed for the first time on our fourth date which ended up being a short make out session. He made a comment that implied he wanted to move to the bedroom but I said no as it was late and needed to get going as I had work the next day 

My gut tells me that maybe he has met the right person with me and he’s not interested in just a bit of fun. Correct me if I’m wrong, but if All he wants is sex then would he not have tried to make a move on our first date (or second or third for that matter)? I’ve only ever seen him in the evenings but we have tried to make daytime plans which I’ve been busy for. He told me that he has mentioned me to his friends before which also kind of tells me that he’s not just wanting FTB…

im thinking of just asking him straight out what his intentions are but I’m so inexperienced with dating and don’t want to scare him off or put him on the spot. Or does it sound like he really is looking for something serious?

 

thoughts?

To guys sex is an act separate from a relationship.

he was honest and likeky you might have been the first he dated since the last ended. Part of iyt he had to relearn riding the bike.  He might feel he’s ready to actually date now so he kissed you.

[glows]

Regarding asking about his previous relationship, a person can lie or twist the truth so whether you ask early on or not, I'd treat it as casual knowledge. You're dating to see the character of a person and whether they are who they say they are (regardless of what area/topic, exes or otherwise). He can say whatever he wants but who he is will come through over a period of time. You'll just have to be patient and observe one another.

Edited June 11, 2022 by glows

[salparadise]

Since he was taking it slowly on the first three dates I think it's safe to surmise that he's interested in more than sex. However, adult dating someone in the 21st century includes a few expectations. Given that he's fresh off of a longer-term relationship that didn't end so well, he's probably going to be guarded about going all-in too fast (reasonably so). So, like the others, I think you need to date, have a good time, get to know each other, and not put pressure on him to make promises or declarations of intent. If you choose to abstain prior to some type of declaration, that's certainly your right... but in this case I think it's likely to fail.

A man coming out of a situation in which he got burned is more likely looking for a soft place to lay his head, not a challenging-demanding type of thing where he has to appease someone. Everyone is different and I don't know your guy, so I can't say anything definitively... I'm just saying that since he has demonstrated a certain amount of intent by not being pushy, I think you should assume he is sincere without expecting too much. And if you want things to progress... you have to take the risk. 

Edited June 11, 2022 by salparadise

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, Daniella B said:

he had mentioned that his previous relationship was longer than 5 years and it had been a few months since they broke up, therefore he wasn’t looking for anything too serious

Talking about an ex in itself is a red flag. Keep in mind they could still be talking and on/off. Take your time and don't be a rebound or fill-in.

[divegrl]

Hi!

I would ask him what his intentions are! You have had 4 dates, that’s enough to get some kind of gauge if he sees long term potential or not. Don’t be afraid to ask these types of questions, it won’t scare away the right person.  The right person will want you to feel safe. 
 

If he still doesn’t know what he wants, then you can either keep dating or break it off; but at least you know!   
 

Wishing you the best!

[Alpacalia]

You know what his intentions are:

18 hours ago, Daniella B said:

he wasn’t looking for anything too serious but was open to the idea if he met the right person.

As a safeguard, you want to know if you are the right person and what his intentions are to make sure that it's not just sex he's after.

Asking again won't speed up or change the outcome.

Four dates have passed since you started talking, and now you want to ask him a second time, but he's already been honest. I guarantee that if you were the right person, you would see this in his actions and he would bring this up himself.

It is up to you when you have had six to eight dates or weeks with him to either cut him off or not. If not, he will probably take advantage of you.

By asking too early and for a second time, he will get your hopes up, and you will not know whether he is sincere. I assure you, he has no clue what he wants.

He just ended a five year relationship a few months ago.

You're better off trying to figure out if this man is even emotionally available before you try and find out his intentions towards you. 

Maybe you can find a way to get to know him on a deeper level by talking about something unrelated to the two of you. Getting to know him better may make him feel less vulnerable toward you and more interested in you. 

 

Edited June 11, 2022 by Alpacalia