glows Posted June 10, 2022 Posted June 10, 2022 16 minutes ago, Henry1234 said: I get what you are saying and that is a very good point, I would probably be thinking something in a similar way in terms of communication, only that its the same with every single person in her life, its not like im the outliner but she has this kind of communication with everyone, friends, family, so its not so much about the relationship. It begs the question why you’re with her though. Why did you choose someone who was so incompatible, try to diagnose her issue and persuade her that there is something wrong with her? Try looking at what got you here and why you’re dating someone who seems to (in your eyes) have a big problem in general.
Author Henry1234 Posted June 10, 2022 Author Posted June 10, 2022 12 minutes ago, glows said: It begs the question why you’re with her though. Why did you choose someone who was so incompatible, try to diagnose her issue and persuade her that there is something wrong with her? Try looking at what got you here and why you’re dating someone who seems to (in your eyes) have a big problem in general. Where did I persuade her there is something wrong with her? I never said that. And its not in my eyes but its a fact that how she handles conflict and her communication skills are a problem and not the most mature and healthy way of doing things. But that doesn't mean she is flawed tho, nobody is perfect, I also do other things that are not great or ideal, its hard to find someone who is perfect, you should accept someone for who they are and try to find middle ground and work through things, and thats what im asking, how I can somehow improve these aspects and problems of ciommunicaiton.
Wiseman2 Posted June 10, 2022 Posted June 10, 2022 (edited) 7 minutes ago, Henry1234 said: how I can somehow improve these aspects and problems of ciommunicaiton. Although you may still want to pay for dates etc., you could start to level the field by #1 Stop lending her money. It's demeaning. #2 Stop giving her advice or telling her to "get help". You're creating a parent-child relationship and that's frustrating for both and breeds resentment on both sides. Not to mention it kills the romance. Edited June 10, 2022 by Wiseman2
glows Posted June 10, 2022 Posted June 10, 2022 15 minutes ago, Henry1234 said: Where did I persuade her there is something wrong with her? I never said that. And its not in my eyes but its a fact that how she handles conflict and her communication skills are a problem and not the most mature and healthy way of doing things. But that doesn't mean she is flawed tho, nobody is perfect, I also do other things that are not great or ideal, its hard to find someone who is perfect, you should accept someone for who they are and try to find middle ground and work through things, and thats what im asking, how I can somehow improve these aspects and problems of ciommunicaiton. It won’t work because it takes two. Other members and you yourself identified what’s wrong with her. She seems to have a problem in general and frankly not equipped to be in a relationship. Yet you picked her. The more you talk about her in fact the more it sounds you’re with her for everything but her personality. The entire thread is suggesting she is the problem. And you are here because you want her or your dynamic to change. The problem is it’s you who has a problem with her. You don’t like the way she treats you. She wants you to hand her cash automatically it seems from the situation mentioned earlier. She finds fault with everything you say and do. When you try to speak up she blames you. This isn’t going well and you’re in denial. It’s damned if you do and damned if you don’t. So again, why are you with someone whom you don’t like (let’s be real here) and who isn’t kind to you?
Calmandfocused Posted June 10, 2022 Posted June 10, 2022 Holy Moly! What a drama queen! Have you ever heard the term “gaslighting” Henry? I suggest you start reading. Im not going to start make excuses or rationalisations for her behaviour. I’m going to focus on you: So you want to be in a relationship where you’re walking on eggshells and have to think about every little thing you do/ say? And on topic of that your job description includes being a mind reader, which includes simply “knowing” in advance that you are to pay for everything? And why should you pay for everything? Because she’s a 24 year old princess who is entitled to be given the best, and she can do and say what she wants And if you happen to have a different view? Not acceptable. God help you! You’re hooked to an emotional manipulator. A female narcissist/BPD in the making. Of course the sex is amazing and intoxicating. The sex and the drama can be very addictive. So what you going to do about it Henry? That choice is yours but I promise you: She won’t change. People with no empathy never do and she’s devoid of it.
ExpatInItaly Posted June 10, 2022 Posted June 10, 2022 (edited) My advice on how to deal with adults who behave like this: Don't. Walk away. This sort of person needs to do a great deal of emotional maturing before a healthy, happy and calm relationship will be remotely possible. I wouldn't volunteer to the bystander who is waiting around to see if that ever happens. Demand more for yourself and a partner. Filter out the people who conduct themselves like tantrum-prone kids. Edited June 10, 2022 by ExpatInItaly 1
Acacia98 Posted June 10, 2022 Posted June 10, 2022 21 hours ago, Weezy1973 said: Look you the term Borderline Personality Disorder. There’s a book written on it called “Walking on Eggshells” which is sounds like you’re describing. To be clear, I’m not diagnosing her with BPD. Just some of the things in your post reminded me of my experience with someone with BPD so good to rule it out. OP, please follow this advice. Look up "borderline personality disorder." 20 hours ago, Henry1234 said: Im not sure where her anger and resentfulness comes from, but she has quite alot of conflicts with friends, family.. and many times stops talking to some and has not talked to them since because they did something and she resents them, so she has alot of drama and conflicts with quite a few people, alltho she always claims its their fault, many times I think she overreacts alot and is also somewhat responsible from what she told me about the conflict (and that was just her side). And this tells you that her problems are deep-seated. She doesn't seem to have the capacity to have stable relationships, including romantic relationships, familial relationships, friendships... This is who she is, OP. It's not something that can be fixed easily (if, in fact, it can be fixed). 3 hours ago, Henry1234 said: Trying to build a career but she is slightly confused on what she actually wants and changes her mind often, and gets frustrated with it, so its like... a work in progress I guess I'm guessing the problems she has with interpersonal relationships are also a problem in her education and in her professional life. So this is bound to be a long-term or permanent problem.
deepthinking Posted June 10, 2022 Posted June 10, 2022 (edited) 5 hours ago, Henry1234 said: Ah, so you mean in the early stages she was holding back her true self, trying to be as appealing as possible, but now she is just how she always is? Yes. She wanted to appeal to you. But now she is more sure of you, so she can berate you.. Though if you have to watch what you say, that indicates that you are caught up with a narcissist, calling the shots, or, somebody spoiled as a kid. I think she needs to pay for herself, but somewhere along the way, she turned you into her funder. I don't think she's a keeper, based on what you said, but I suspect she's very attractive which holds you, and she knows that game well. Edited June 10, 2022 by deepthinking
Alpacalia Posted June 10, 2022 Posted June 10, 2022 7 hours ago, Henry1234 said: Your right about the point of stop caving in but its that I do not try to cave in, I try to argument my case, try to make her understand things from my point of view but she just takes it as an attack or spins it or simply says im wrong and its like she says it... so in the end I have nothing else but to just say ok then if you feel that way... and move on from that, or it will be an endless thing, idk. Irrespective of how well you've coped and tolerated so far, you won't be able to convince her to see things your way, and you will eventually get worn out. It sounds like you are starting to feel that way, except in this new casting you are expected to say “OK” to everything, and clearly that is not going to work. Any way you look at it, it is never a good idea to meet rigidity with rigidity. At least when it comes to relationships.
Author Henry1234 Posted June 10, 2022 Author Posted June 10, 2022 You all make some very good points and opened my eyes to some extent... And yes the sex is amazing, she is beautiful and she also has some traits I really like. But you are all also right that the negatives are extremely potent and serious, and the question I have to ask is how will I ever have a healthy relationship with someone like this, I thought that maybe I could somehow help her see its wrong and change this behaviour, but after reading some comments I think this is not possible and this is something that takes a lot of time to improve and fix, if indeed it will be fixed. And how will my relationship be if it will be like this, how would it be having kids with someone like this... many questions... 2
OKtoday Posted June 11, 2022 Posted June 11, 2022 You seem like a guy who can work through things, learn from your mistakes, overcome obstacles and grow. A great quality to have and needed for a successful relationship. Without this quality, as you are seeing, your partner will not grow individually and stops the relationship from growing. It’s my belief that the one who is willing to look at themself and learn will eventually out grow the other who is content at standings still. The relationship eventually plateaus and the division begins. Maybe this is where you are now. Realizing this is MORE important than all you have in common, all the great qualities, the best beauty and amazing sex! Good for you for questioning this. Trust your instincts. You will be able to elevate yourself to a greater quality relationship. 1
Wiseman2 Posted June 11, 2022 Posted June 11, 2022 10 hours ago, Henry1234 said: yes the sex is amazing, she is beautiful and she also has some traits I really like. It seems like you don't see any long term potential since you have many complaints about her. Don't string anyone along for sex. Or lend them money. Be kind and fair and set yourselves free to find people you respect and who respect you. 1
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