Attracted to someone whom I shouldn't be and cannot have

[fifteenburritos]

I'm turning another year older next week, the back end of my 30s, and I'm really wondering what I have to show for it. I live alone in my 2 bed apartment in the city when all of my closest friends live 2-3 hours away in their suburban homes with their wives and families. Those friends will never ever come visit me here, but of course I'm more than welcome to visit them. I don't really have any close friends here, just acquaintances who I know through various freelance jobs I take. My cat is getting older and living with a chronic illness. She still acts like a kitten and I do a damn good job of taking her, but I know that she's somewhere in the "back 9" per se, though I don't know which hole. Covid has really made me more isolated than ever and my weight has been affected. A few years ago I would hit the gym daily, run, lift weights, and I would be angry with myself if I didn't exercise. Today, I can barely get off the couch to stick to a routine. Last summer I rejoined the gym and started running on the treadmill again and my knees felt like they got hit with a baseball bat. I'm getting back into a walking routine, but too much walking has hurt my foot. Just another sign of getting older. I look in the mirror and see a man "letting himself go." My dating life is in a slump. A few years back I was on a stretch of going on 1-2 dates a week with new women I met on the dating apps, today those dates are few and far between. Personally I feel like I'm a catch. I'm a bit out of shape but still feel like I'm attractive, I've got a full head of hair, I'm an animal lover (taking care of my cat is a second job), I have multiple hobbies, I read, I have a good group of friends, I'm an in-demand freelancer in an interesting field with tons of clients scattered all over the country, I'm responsible with money and debt free, etc. Dating used to be so much easier, and the fact that it's been so difficulty lately has also been damaging my self-esteem. As I'm getting older and older I see dating prospects dwindle and I'm increasingly concerned that I'll never find "my person." Anyways, these are just ramblings off the top of my head that I needed to vent out. If you made it to the end, high five!!

Edited March 31, 2022 by fifteenburritos

[Happy Lemming]

8 minutes ago, fifteenburritos said:

I'm turning another year older next week, the back end of my 30s, and I'm really wondering what I have to show for it. I live alone in my 2 bed apartment in the city

Watch some youtube video(s) of people forced to live in their cars in Quartzsite, AZ... you'll feel a lot better about that 2 bedroom apartment.

11 minutes ago, fifteenburritos said:

I rejoined the gym and started running on the treadmill again and my knees felt like they got hit with a baseball bat.

Yep... I was in my mid 40's, when I had to give up long distance running.  I used to really enjoy my morning runs and running in 1/2 and full marathons, but my left knee decided my running days were over.  So I walk and bicycle ride... left knee is happy with the compromise. You are not alone!

14 minutes ago, fifteenburritos said:

A few years back I was on a stretch of going on 1-2 dates a week with new women I met on the dating apps, today those dates are few and far between.

So stop using the dating apps and go meet people in real life.  In most places/localities just about all the Covid-19 restrictions have been lifted, so shower up and get out there!!

17 minutes ago, fifteenburritos said:

Today, I can barely get off the couch to stick to a routine.

So make yourself a list and stick to it.  Today, I'm going to walk around the block, tomorrow I'll cycle to the grocery store, the next day I'll walk to the post office and get stamps. You know... Stuff like that.  Cross off each item as you complete it, the process really makes you feel good.

19 minutes ago, fifteenburritos said:

I'm turning another year older next week...

Congratulations!!  It is much better than the alternative.  Quite a few people have lost their lives to this pandemic and would much rather be turning "another year older next week."

Every year I beat the Grim Reaper, I celebrate... shake my fist at him and say "you missed me, yet again... I win!!"

23 minutes ago, fifteenburritos said:

 My cat is getting older and living with a chronic illness. She still acts like a kitten and I do a damn good job of taking her, but I know that she's somewhere in the "back 9" per se, though I don't know which hole.

Sorry about your cat, but keep in mind she had a joyful and wonderful life with you.  You brought her much happiness through the years, as I'm sure she has done the same for you.

[glows]

Well, the trick is doing something about the inertia and trying a different approach. Even if you don't feel like it one day, go out for a walk or make a trip somewhere. Call or text your friends and tell them you're coming over and bring food. Make an effort and see where that leads you.

[Alpacalia]

Sorry to hear about your cat.

Invite some friends, go see a movie (even if it's not on your birthday). Go out for a nice dinner. Do something you want to do. Back then, maybe it wasn't all that “okay" anyway. You're blessed. You just need to re-find your mojo.

Try to enjoy it  

I hope this helps.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, fifteenburritos said:

I look in the mirror and see a man "letting himself go." My dating life is in a slump. A few years back I was on a stretch of going on 1-2 dates a week with new women I met on the dating apps, today those dates are few and far between. Personally I feel like I'm a catch. I'm a bit out of shape but still feel like I'm attractive, I've got a full head of hair, I'm an animal lover (taking care of my cat is a second job), I have multiple hobbies, I read, I have a good group of friends, I'm an in-demand freelancer in an interesting field with tons of clients scattered all over the country, I'm responsible with money and debt free, etc. 

Happy Birthday

Join some groups and clubs. Get a fun part time job. Volunteer. Take some classes/courses. Yoga,  ballroom dancing, cooking, whatever. Start seeing people (and women) you'll see on a regular basis. 

Make sure you're on a healthy eating plan and don't pack on pounds (murder on knees). Eliminate bad habits like drinking too much, parking in front of the TV too long, etc.

Skip  treadmills (murder on knees). Instead enlist the help of a physical therapist to recommend activities that keep you in shape without grinding your cartilage to a pulp. Enlist the help of a registered dietician to help formulate a healthier eating plan. 

As a birthday gift to yourself, see a physician for a complete evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get a cardiac workup/blood workup/metabolic workup and discuss the despair and lethargy. Rule out physical causes for it.

Get the referral for a  PT and a dietician there. 

 

[deluxeburger]

In an effort to be anonymous I'd like to keep things a bit vague and not so specific, but essentially I've become attracted to someone who is helping me finish a personal passion project. I sought her out through a referral. She's in her mid-20s and I'm in my late-30s. I didn't know her before she joined, but over the course of this year as we've been working together I've come to realize that I'm attracted to her. My initial feelings were purely professional and I wanted to keep it as such. She's good at her job and has really been helping me make progress. As we've gotten to know each other on a more personal level, though, I'm surprised at how much we have in common, conversation flows effortlessly, and she's just my type. Frankly, in my life I've only ever known a few women like this. For awhile it seemed like she was into me too, because during our weekly meetings she used to make little flirty observations about my appearance which I think really helped trigger my attraction for her. Again, keeping things professional, I kept my feelings to myself and never reciprocated any open flirting (if that's what it was).

On the flip side I'm trying to tell myself that this is purely infatuation. There are some things about her that I don't like, things that would be red flags for me in potential dating partners. Even though she seems wise beyond her years she's still too young for me and is living a life that I matured out of long ago. I also think that recently she's "off the market" in the dating world and the flirty comments have since stopped. To be honest, I miss those comments. They made me feel good. A part of me feels like I got sucked into a web of mixed signals. Was I over-analyzing her "flirting," or was she into me initially and then met a new guy so her feelings changed, now I'm left scratching my head? Maybe being around that younger energy sparked something in me and made me remember what it was like to be that age?

In the end I know that this isn't meant to be, but still, I'm having a hard time getting over it. Anybody else been in a similar situation?

Edited June 8, 2022 by deluxeburger

[dramafreezone]

34 minutes ago, deluxeburger said:

In an effort to be anonymous I'd like to keep things a bit vague and not so specific, but essentially I've become attracted to someone who is helping me finish a personal passion project. I sought her out through a referral. She's in her mid-20s and I'm in my late-30s. I didn't know her before she joined, but over the course of this year as we've been working together I've come to realize that I'm attracted to her. My initial feelings were purely professional and I wanted to keep it as such. She's good at her job and has really been helping me make progress. As we've gotten to know each other on a more personal level, though, I'm surprised at how much we have in common, conversation flows effortlessly, and she's just my type. Frankly, in my life I've only ever known a few women like this. For awhile it seemed like she was into me too, because during our weekly meetings she used to make little flirty observations about my appearance which I think really helped trigger my attraction for her. Again, keeping things professional, I kept my feelings to myself and never reciprocated any open flirting (if that's what it was).

On the flip side I'm trying to tell myself that this is purely infatuation. There are some things about her that I don't like, things that would be red flags for me in potential dating partners. Even though she seems wise beyond her years she's still too young for me and is living a life that I matured out of long ago. I also think that recently she's "off the market" in the dating world and the flirty comments have since stopped. To be honest, I miss those comments. They made me feel good. A part of me feels like I got sucked into a web of mixed signals. Was I over-analyzing her "flirting," or was she into me initially and then met a new guy so her feelings changed, now I'm left scratching my head? Maybe being around that younger energy sparked something in me and made me remember what it was like to be that age?

In the end I know that this isn't meant to be, but still, I'm having a hard time getting over it. Anybody else been in a similar situation?

Most guys have been in your situation.  I definitely have.  Becoming attracted to a young, attractive woman that you're in frequent, close proximity to is in a sense, inevitable.

I think some women do flirt as part of their nature and it's not specific to you, so you were likely overanalyzing her normal behavior.  I think compliments are a part of how women communicate towards people they like, and not just men.  She may compliment you on the shoes you're wearing, but I bet she also compliments her girlfriends.  That's just how many women communicate to their friends.  I think the most you could say now is that she sees you as a friend and she doesn't find you repugnant.

She sounds like a people person and while you didn't list details it probably helps in her chosen career field to be a people person.  Maybe she changed her behavior when she started dating someone.  Or maybe you changed *your behavior* towards her and she could sense it, so she's reacting to your change.  If she is a people person then it's likely that she can read your attraction to her, and in her mind she's like "oh no, not this again," so maybe she's backing off a bit.  We're not as good at hiding our behavior as we think we are.

You got sucked in man, I've been there.  You just have to move on.

Edited June 8, 2022 by dramafreezone

[Wiseman2]

40 minutes ago, deluxeburger said:

She's in her mid-20s and I'm in my late-30s. some things about her that I don't like, things that would be red flags for me in potential dating partners.  I also think that recently she's "off the market" in the dating world and the flirty comments have since stopped.

It's ok to have a crush on an attractive woman, it's ok to feel flattered. Are either of you in another relationship?