Guy pushing and pulling away it's driving me crazy

June 6, 2022

Late April I match with this guy (25 yo) on Bumble and after chatting a lot, he asked me to meet. We had our first date on May 1st and it went super well: as soon as he saw me, he complimented me for my appearance, then we had dinner where he told me he already deleted the dating app (I checked, it's true) because he is more old-fashioned and only had been on a handful online dates. On the other hand, I must admit that I have been on plenty of dates (mostly from online apps) but most of them don't lead to anywhere further than the 1st meeting, as there is no connection or physical attraction. However, with him it was different. I immediately felt that there was something special and our first kiss confirmed it... I was head over heels! We had another date which lasted around 6 hours, lots of banter, laugh, kisses and complicity. I know it's cliché but I felt like I had known him since forever. My mind was set on him... he seemed like the prince charming my romantic heart had been waiting for.

We slept together on the third date, it was good but then he started fading away. He was different... In fact, after a few days, he sends me a very long message saying that although we had a wonderful connection and he liked me a lot, his ex girlfriend texted him and this made him think. They had been together 6 years (I think they were each other's first relationship) but called it quits in early 2020. I am not sure how it ended but I understood she left him.

I was extremely sad and I cried all evening. I told him that with 3 dates vs 6 years together I couldn't really compete, and although I would have wanted a different finale, I respected his decision and wished him well. He replied "Who knows Amanda, maybe we will see each other again one day. You are a very good person and a very good girl". This message made me think a bit, like he sounded very genuine and sorry... I really think he didn't know what to do and was confused.

I have (unfortunately) a lot of experience in dating and I can now tell when a guy is into me or not or if he just wants to play. He really seemed genuine... I couldn't understand how it could end like this. It felt too soon. But what could I do? I moved on... this was on May 15th.

However, on Friday May 27th, he replied to my Instagram story. I was on holiday and posted a picture in the restaurant he had suggested me when we were still talking, and he told me "ahah you followed my recommendation! " and then I replied and he started asking me how I was and if I was keen to meet him again the following week, when we both would be back in the city.

I was thrilled! I was smiling from ear to ear

The following week comes (May 30th) but he tells me that, coming back from his holiday that day, he had many things to arrange and since he was going away also that weekend, if we could meet this week, on Wednesday (June 8th). I said ok no problem!

So today I texted him to confirm if we are meeting on Wednesday and what is the plan, but he replied "Hey Amanda! I'm a bit sick unfortunately. Can I tell you tomorrow how I feel and then we decide? hope it's not covid ahah" and I said ok let me know.

Is he sincere or is he playing? Like honestly at this point I would have preferred if he hadn't recontacted me at all. Yesterday for example I had a date with another guy but my mind was completely dreaming about this one. I like him so much that I still have hope... but I don't know what to think at this point.

What should I reply if tomorrow he tells me he is sick and we have to reschedule again? Should I say something like "just to know, do you still wanna meet me or did you already change your mind? ahah"

Thanks a lot

Amanda

Edited June 6, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed excessive formatting

June 6, 2022

21 minutes ago, Amanda141 said:

I immediately felt that there was something special and our first kiss confirmed it... I was head over heels!

Looks like there wasn't actually anything special between you too, and your first kiss was just a first kiss confirming nothing. Getting head over heels so soon is a waste of emotional energy. And this is yet another example of why staying grounded during the early stages of dating, and especially online dating, is so important.

23 minutes ago, Amanda141 said:

Is he sincere or is he playing?

Sincere about what? Being interested in dating you? From the sounds of it, he was, and then he wasn't, and now he might be. But it's just dating at this point. No relationship. No commitment. No reason to invest heavily. You barely know the guy, even if it "feels like" you've known him forever. You actually haven't.

June 6, 2022

27 minutes ago, Amanda141 said:

We slept together on the third date, after a few days, he sends me a very long message saying that although we had a wonderful connection and he liked me a lot, his ex girlfriend texted him and this made him think.

Sorry this happened. He seems like a player. You dodged a bullet. It sounds like he's still with his "ex".

June 6, 2022

15 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Looks like there wasn't actually anything special between you too, and your first kiss was just a first kiss confirming nothing. Getting head over heels so soon is a waste of emotional energy. And this is yet another example of why staying grounded during the early stages of dating, and especially online dating, is so important.

Sincere about what? Being interested in dating you? From the sounds of it, he was, and then he wasn't, and now he might be. But it's just dating at this point. No relationship. No commitment. No reason to invest heavily. You barely know the guy, even if it "feels like" you've known him forever. You actually haven't.

I agree that investing too much too soon is not advisable. The thing is, I genuinely like him and I was interested in keep getting to know him to see if there could be something more.

right now I am confused because I don’t understand why he re-contacted me asking to meet, and then he keeps post-poning…

June 6, 2022

Do you still want to see him if he is now back involved with his gf? Why didn't you ask him about that. Also you seem to be bending over backwards to accomodate him when he barely seems to be making an effort and is full of excuses. Frankly I would have blocked him after he disappeared after sex and said he was getting back with his girl. Do you want to end up being his side piece?

Edited June 6, 2022 by stillafool

June 6, 2022

5 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Do you still want to see him if he is now back involved with his gf? Why didn't you ask him about that. Also you seem to be bending over backwards to accomodate him when he barely seems to be making an effort and is full of excuses. Frankly I would have blocked him after he disappeared after sex and said he was getting back with his girl. Do you want to end up being his side piece?

My intention is to ask him in person. I wanna know exactly what happened and why he re-contacted me so soon, only 12 days after saying he was confused cause his ex gf texted him.

What would you text him, if tomorrow he says he’s still sick and wants to reschedule again?

June 6, 2022

1 minute ago, Amanda141 said:

What would you text him?

Bring condoms. Sadly he is on/off or still with his GF. Don't get caught in that mess. It's headaches and heartaches if you do.

June 6, 2022

16 minutes ago, Amanda141 said:

I agree that investing too much too soon is not advisable. The thing is, I genuinely like him and I was interested in keep getting to know him to see if there could be something more.

Again you barely know him. You find him attractive. That's a start, but from your post it seems like you invested heavily. "I immediately felt there was something special between us..." When you find yourself having those thoughts early on, stop them. Most people aren't going to be good matches long term. Just because you find someone attractive, is not reason to think it's anything "special". Allow time to do it's thing.

16 minutes ago, Amanda141 said:

right now I am confused because I don’t understand why he re-contacted me asking to meet, and then he keeps post-poning…

And this is why you shouldn't get invested early. Who knows why he's doing it? Certainly not anybody on this board. But really you shouldn't even care. Keep dating others. He's really just another guy at this point. Nothing special. Let time do it's thing. If he wants to see you again, he'll make it happen. If he doesn't make it happen, then he doesn't really want to see it. It really is that simple.

Edited June 6, 2022 by Weezy1973
spelling

June 6, 2022

Just wait and see. He has ex problems so be wary. Treat him like an acquaintance. This guy isn’t dating material. I wouldn’t treat him that way. This is just a friendly catch up/check in.

June 6, 2022

I wish I could be able to detach myself emotionally from guys I like…

I’m trying to date others even if I admit my head was a bit in the clouds, thinking about this guy…

Very difficult for me but I want to start acting like he doesn’t exist, and if he wants to see me he’ll make it happen. I made my interest more than clear

June 6, 2022

2 minutes ago, glows said:

Just wait and see. He has ex problems so be wary. Treat him like an acquaintance. This guy isn’t dating material. I wouldn’t treat him that way. This is just a friendly catch up/check in.

I think it would be so immaturr and harsh from him asking to meet only for a check in when he clearly knows I’m into him… I could have understood if many months had passed, but he asked me that only after 12 days of “breaking up” with me.

Yeah I have to be careful about ex problems. A 6-year relationship, especially at our age, is significant. It officially ended more than 2 years ago but I still have to be wary, as it looks like they still talk from time to time. I dont want to be his plan B if things with his ex don’t go well

June 6, 2022

I don’t think the key is in detaching. You can find appeal and be drawn. It’s part of attraction and the joy of experiencing it.

What you’re also doing is asking yourself whether it matches your level of interest or whether you’re compatible on many levels.

Like peeling layers of an onion that always takes time. Can’t be rushed.

It didn’t sound like a date to me so see how it goes.

Edited June 6, 2022 by glows

June 6, 2022

20 minutes ago, Amanda141 said:

My intention is to ask him in person. I wanna know exactly what happened and why he re-contacted me so soon, only 12 days after saying he was confused cause his ex gf texted him.

What would you text him, if tomorrow he says he’s still sick and wants to reschedule again?

I would ask him that question before agreeing to go out with him again. Suppose he just wants to meet and catch up (wink wink). Maybe his girl is busy or they had a fight and he contacted you for a good time again. Don't put yourself in a position to have sex with someone else's boyfriend or you will get hurt and feel used in the end.

June 6, 2022

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

I would ask him that question before agreeing to go out with him again. Suppose he just wants to meet and catch up (wink wink). Maybe his girl is busy or they had a fight and he contacted you for a good time again. Don't put yourself in a position to have sex with someone else's boyfriend or you will get hurt and feel used in the end.

So for example, when tomorrow he texts me, should I say something like “Ok, but can I also ask you why do you wanna meet again? Is it just a friendly catch up or something more?”

June 6, 2022

7 minutes ago, Amanda141 said:

I could have understood if many months had passed, but he asked me that only after 12 days of “breaking up” with me.

He didn't "break up" with you as you weren't a couple. He just told you he was going back to his ex.

11 minutes ago, Amanda141 said:

I wish I could be able to detach myself emotionally from guys I like…

You wouldn't get so attached if you didn't have sex so soon.

June 6, 2022

Just now, stillafool said:

He didn't "break up" with you as you weren't a couple. He just told you he was going back to his ex.

You wouldn't get so attached if you didn't have sex so soon.

I actually don’t think it’s about the sex. Months ago happened a similar situation where I was dating a guy and he told me he wanted to stop. I was very sad and we only kissed

It’s almost bed time in my time zone so I think I’ll sleep now. I’ll update you guys tomorrow when I have (hopefully good) news

June 6, 2022

1 minute ago, Amanda141 said:

So for example, when tomorrow he texts me, should I say something like “Ok, but can I also ask you why do you wanna meet again? Is it just a friendly catch up or something more?”

I would get straight to the point. "I'm glad to hear from you but am wondering what happened between you and your gf that you are back asking me for a date? Are you two now together?"

June 6, 2022

Even if you ask, OP, you cannot ignore the fact that he stopped dating you earlier to think about his ex.

How does one change enough in a mere handful of days (12 to be exact) to be convincing at all that he is over his ex?

Nah, this is an acquaintance and nothing more. He’s not in the right space to be dating anyone.

June 6, 2022

Yeah you need to figure out what’s going on with the ex.

His last communication to you was that he wanted to stop seeing you because his ex is back. He might just think all this messaging is just friendly.

At any rate, I would not let him back so quickly. Actually personally I would stop dating this guy as he is clearly not over her and will be confused for a while.

Like we told the last poster, you deserve someone who makes you feel special!

June 6, 2022

maybe make sure these guys are good enough for you first before getting emotionally invested and head over heels. usually it takes at least a few months of dating to decide if someone is a good fit. I think they sense you have a romantic agenda and that you fall hard and quickly, which scares them off. As a guy, it scares me off and feels a pretty suffocating when a girl is like this after a date or two.

June 6, 2022

1 hour ago, Amanda141 said:

My intention is to ask him in person. I wanna know exactly what happened and why he re-contacted me so soon, only 12 days after saying he was confused cause his ex gf texted him.

What would you text him, if tomorrow he says he’s still sick and wants to reschedule again?

Don’t bother. He’s a bs charmer who is looking to get some action.

anyone who claims thry deleted their profile early in the dating process is a con.

June 6, 2022

Correct me if I'm wrong, but the timing of this seems to correlate with a post you made about a guy who wanted you only for sex and left you devastated when he didn't check in when you needed the morning after pill. I can't makes sense of the utter distress you were in then and not even mentioning that history in this thread. Is it the same guy?

June 6, 2022

1 hour ago, ccas93 said:

maybe make sure these guys are good enough for you first before getting emotionally invested and head over heels. usually it takes at least a few months of dating to decide if someone is a good fit. I think they sense you have a romantic agenda and that you fall hard and quickly, which scares them off. As a guy, it scares me off and feels a pretty suffocating when a girl is like this after a date or two.

I agree and that is why you should wait as long as possible before having sex with these guys because you fall to quickly. The right guy would not be afraid of that but most guys, unless they feel as you do, will back up and off.

June 7, 2022

Amanda, my spiny sense tells me he used his ex as an excuse to back off, after accomplishing his initial goal - having sex. It's the oldest excuse in the book.

Guy is a commitment phobe, period, end of.

Comes on strong, hard and fast, does everything right, bonds with you emotionally, you have sex, he panics (literally) and runs.

He's classic case!

He will be back. Oh wait, after 12 days, he did come back! Then went into another spin and ran.

Please next this guy! If you don't it will become a never ending cycle of push/pull in the extreme - he comes close, then panics and runs, the guy is probably afraid of his own shadow too, if you're smart, you will get rid. ASAP.

Be thankful you didn't spend more time with him and truly bond.

June 7, 2022

1 minute ago, poppyfields said:

Amanda, my spiny sense tells me he used his ex as an excuse to back off, after accomplishing his initial goal - having sex. It's the oldest excuse in the book.

Guy is a commitment phobe, period, end of.

Comes on strong, hard and fast, does everything right, bonds with you emotionally, you have sex, he panics (literally) and runs.

He's classic case!

He will be back. Oh wait, after 12 days, he did come back! Then went into another spin and ran.

Please next this guy! If you don't it will become a never ending cycle of push/pull in the extreme - he comes close, then panics and runs, the guy is probably afraid of his own shadow too, if you're smart, you will get rid. ASAP.

Be thankful you didn't spend more time with him and truly bond.

Actually, I was going to post that there might not be an ex and he is just used that as an excuse. I think you are right Poppy. This guy sounds like a player.

Even if there is an ex, do you really want to put yourself in the middle of their on again off again soap opera?

I would tell you to end things up with him, but would you listen?

Sign In

Guy pushing and pulling away it's driving me crazy

Recommended Posts

Amanda141

Weezy1973

Wiseman2

Amanda141

stillafool

Amanda141

Wiseman2

Weezy1973

glows

Amanda141

Amanda141

glows

stillafool

Amanda141

stillafool

Amanda141

stillafool

glows

divegrl

ccas93

Ami1uwant

basil67

stillafool

poppyfields

Alvi

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...