ThereSheGoes Posted June 5, 2022 Posted June 5, 2022 Hi Guys, I wanted to see if you can help me gain some perspective. I have been dating my boyfriend for almost a year (June 16th will mark our 1 year anniversary). I love him dearly and I could see building a future with him at some point. But sometimes I get into these dark moods. I isolate myself from him suddenly and he feels this and thinks there's something wrong. I (of course) tell him that there isn't anything wrong, knowing full damn well that I'm basically having a break down on the inside. These moods don't tend to happen often, but lately they have been increasing. They usually start off from something small and my brain builds it on from there. As an example, I'll start with what triggered this last episode: At this point in our relationship, we're practically living together. I'm at his place almost every day. He comes home from work, I hadn't seen him all day, so I'm happy to see him. He had brought me gifts as well, which he rarely ever does. Things are fine. Night time falls, and we're in bed. Again, I've missed him, so I'm kissing on him. And though he is kissing me back, his kisses doesn't have the same amount of.......force. And he keeps telling me to go to bed. So I turn over, and he wraps his arm around my waist and we settle in to sleep. But all I can think about is how in the first few months of our relationship, we could kiss for hours. How we seemed to crave each other's touch. Now he's giving me quick pecks and telling me to go to sleep. Okay. So, I dream that night that I am on a dating show where couples are to date other people for a week. (I know, I love my subconscious for me). In the dream, our dates were being picked for us, and a girl with a banging body in a rainbow bikini is picked for my boyfriend. I'm sitting next to my boyfriend in the dream; she comes up to him and straddles his lap and proclaims that she loves such and such boys (he's apart of a men's club and she yelled out the name of the club). I hate this men's club in real life and wish he would leave it, so in the dream I felt.....bothered. When my date was selected, it was basically a more tatted up Pete Townsend. Not what I would ever choose. I felt really hurt in the dream, and bothered by the sight of an attractive woman on top of my boyfriend and he appearing to enjoy it. I woke up from the dream and couldn't go back to sleep. My alarm went off, so I had to get up, feeling sleep deprived. Meanwhile, my boyfriend slept well. He woke up happy and was making fun of the BreadTube video I was listening to while I was getting dressed. I was already bothered, so it didn't help my mood. But of course, he didn't KNOW I was bothered. We had some events we were going to be attending that day; it was my mom's birthday and my younger cousin was having a celebration for entering high-school. So I'm driving. And he's on his phones playing his games for the whole hour+ I'm driving to my mom's. It was silent for the whole drive. I felt super isolated. Things got a little better by the end of the day. He was present, I was present, we did our events, we came home. Took a nap, he went to the gym, came back and stated he wanted to go out. Cool. While he's getting dressed, we're getting in to one of our social political and science debates again, but this time....I feel like he's calling me an idiot (it was a discussion over eye color and what a human's eyes are actually supposed to be like. I said that everyone's eyes are supposed to be brown and that light eyes are a mutation. Mutations are not normal; he said that they are, and due to my logic, I shouldn't have opposable thumbs, due to my ancestral origins) he just sounded a bit more....condescending than usual, this time. Irritated. There was a lot more grit in his tone. So....it puts me into a mood. I feel like he thinks I'm stupid. And then I start going down the rabbit hole, I feel like he's not attracted to me, I feel like he has made his type very blatant to me in the past, why did he pick me if I'm not his type, etc., etc.,....on and on I'm thinking. I get dressed, we go out and find a lovely play. I actually really enjoy it, but I keep thinking about how he doesn't hold my hand, how he's not touching me, how the drive to the play was once again silent.......and I sink deeper and deeper. By the time we're back into the car and heading to a lounge nearby, I'm trying to hold back tears while disguising the ones that do fall as allergies. He keeps asking if something is wrong, but again, I'm not telling him because I don't want to make a big deal out of it. He's not letting up though, and this is beginning to irritate me, on top of everything else. So we get to the lounge. He hops off for food, and I'm sitting there watching girls sitting in their boyfriend's laps, a couple beside me is making out (weirdly enough, they were basically the same demographic as myself and my boyfriend, but switched) and I'm....WANTING that. I'm craving the closeness that they are having and I can't have it with my boyfriend. (This is a feeling that I feel a lot, due to him disliking the night life scene. I tend to go out alone quite frequently, and while out, I'm constantly being bombarded by images of couples being couples and it makes me feel even more alone) So......things I am currently feeling while sitting there at the lounge: -ugly (I had stuffed myself in to a body-con dress, so I was uncomfortable and self conscious; and my makeup and hair was doing it's own thing) -insecure --alone -craving intimacy and not sure how to ask for it. My boyfriend comes back and I'm just staring at the couple cuddling in front of us. He tells me that he wants to leave, that the lounge was too loud. So as we're walking back to the car, he asks me if my friend was off of work and then tells me that he doesn't invite any of his friends to hang out with us, because they don't like any of the things I'm in to. Again, I'm pretty silent on this walk back to the car, because I'm trying not to cry. The comment about his friends just made me feel like he was saying that I was on a lower vibration than he and his friends, because I like to dance to 90's club anthems. Again, I felt like he was implying that I was stupid or something. Again, he asks me if something is wrong; I tell him that he's irritating me with all of the asking. So he takes me to a bar for a beer. I'm sitting quietly. He keeps looking at my phone to see who I am texting. At this point, I just wanted to go back to his place so I could go into his closet and cry. He's asking me if I wanted to play pool or corn hole. I tell him that he can go play it, I was fine. More awkward silence. We leave. The drive home is silent. I'm digging my nails in to my thigh to keep from crying in the car. We get home, still silent. We change, I'm the last to get to bed. I can feel him not sleeping, I'm not able to sleep. I'm crying off and on through out the night. It was a rough night. I woke up crying this morning. I feel: -Anxiety -Unwanted -Mildly sexually frustrated -Not good enough for him -Unattractive -Alone I keep thinking about how he said that Scandinavians and Japanese people are the most genetically superior people and that if he could have, he would have gone for one of those demographics. I'm not from those demographics. He also told me that if he wasn't dating me, he would choose not to date anyone right now. I keep thinking about how he feels about plus size individuals. He has some pretty harsh views about being overweight and finds it disgusting. And though I am not morbidly obese, I'm not a 115 pounds either. I'm 5'3 and wear a size 12 US. My proportions are still considered 'desirable' but I'm not 'a healthy weight' in his estimation of me, and I've been noticing that he has been subtly attempting to get me to lose weight. I think of all of the not so complimentary things he has said about me. Like how he thinks I have a strange sounding voice and when he first heard it, he sorta wrote me off as a potential date. How I seem kinda blond at times; how he doesn't like it that I wear acrylic nails, that maybe I should get a breast reduction so that I don't have to worry about boob sweat (and so they won't 'sag' as much), how my hair sheds a lot, how the smell of me lingers on him after sex and he can't seem to get it to go away no matter how much soap and water he uses; how he laughs at things I find romantic and sweet, he hates my music, he hates dancing, he doesn't like my friends (he thinks they're low-lifes and degenerates). He compares me sometimes to his friend's girlfriend who is a 23 year old with a boob job, who has all different types of girl friends, and she's therefore more socially 'healthier' than me. I'm turning 32 this year. I don't want to be compared to some 23 year old girl. I think about how I can't SEEM to inspire romance in him. He doesn't get gushy for me, never had. A year in, and I can't find his sex button. You know, the thing that drives him crazy in bed. I think about how he said that I have a lot of bad qualities that remind him of his ex wife. But that he also thinks of all of my good qualities too, and kinda implies that that's why he stays? I think about how he was with his last girlfriend for a year, and all the things he had done for her, INCLUDING PLANTED A GARDEN FOR HER, and meanwhile, I didn't even get a Christmas gift. (I had a portrait commissioned of him as a viking warrior for Christmas). Because of this, my brain questions if he's even in love with me. He only ever said it once, and it was by accident. We're supposed to be moving in together in the fall/winter, and he has never talked about it since the decision was made back in February. No talks about location, sizing, price range, nothing. The insecure teenage girl in me is like: Let him go off and find the 5'9, 130 pound blue eyed, blond haired genetically superior woman to partner and breed with. He'll be happy with her. And that's what he wants. But the woman that I am now is saying, no. You love him. He loves you. At least, he says he does. He has given you no real implication of not loving you. You're letting your abandonment issues get to you. Stop it. I'm just tired of having these moments of feeling completely insecure about everything within our relationship. Advice on how I can stem these dark waves?
Atwood Posted June 5, 2022 Posted June 5, 2022 I am so terribly sorry, this sounds so heartbreaking. Especially because you seem to be quite blameful of yourself and seem to think it's your job to just get through it and cope with someone who is starving you of affection and making you feel insecure and honestly sounds like he's setting you up for years of emotional abuse. I know you're going to read that term "emotional abuse" and immediately launch into a million reasons why that's an overreaction, or make excuses for him, or blame yourself and think you're misrepresenting the situation. However, please know I have been there. You and I both know that someone who loves you shouldn't say those horrible things, make you feel so badly about yourself, or compare you to others. We would never do it to someone we love, would we? So why tolerate it from him? I used to date someone who said many similar things to this. Constant implications I was overweight, talking about me getting plastic surgery, pointing out my bad qualities but pretending he was okay with putting up with me for my good qualities, comparing me to my best friend or celebrities who had "better" bodies according to him. I tried to fix this and be good enough and be better and make things feel right for years and things only got worse and worse until I honestly felt like a shell of my former self. I felt so insecure and unwell and I was running myself into the ground trying to avoid making him unhappy every day. When I left he told me I made him so happy and that I was perfect and that our relationship was everything he could ever want: it became very clear he was only ever saying those things to keep me in my place because he was the one who was insecure and knew I could do better. After I finally got out, I met someone else who not only doesn't say any of these horrible things, but is horrified that they were ever said to me in the first place. I promise you that there are genuinely wonderful, kind, considerate, sensitive and non-abusive people out there and the longer you stay with this man who is clearly hurting you, the longer you are depriving yourself. And listen, I know you've got some issues communicating your needs with him and that you have abandonment issues: whilst those are things we do need to work on in therapy and for ourselves that doesn't give other people liscence to treat us badly. Someone who loves us helps us and cares for us and encourages us. You don't have to put up with being treated so badly. If he knows he can say these things and you won't leave him, it will only get worse. I recognise this pattern and I urge you to be brave and accept no less than what we all deserve: not to be abused or mistreated. caution: he won't take kindly to being called out on this. You might think you will have the upper hand going into a discussion about all the terrible things he has said and it's worth having a conversation about, but if he gets defensive/angry/tries to turn it around and say it's you: you know things won't get better. I'm sorry for such a bleak post, but I promise that life without people like this is worth fighting to get to. This person is not treating you right and you are not crazy for being upset: you are a normal loving human who would never treat anybody this way. Don't let him convince you that you've gone mad. This is what these people do. I'm rooting for you. 3
Weezy1973 Posted June 5, 2022 Posted June 5, 2022 Why do you think he loves you? Honestly what you describe is not love. I think what’s likely happening is your insecurities are keeping you in a bad relationship. Perhaps you don’t think you deserve better. I think it’s time to next him. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted June 5, 2022 Posted June 5, 2022 59 minutes ago, ThereSheGoes said: Like how he thinks I have a strange sounding voice and when he first heard it, he sorta wrote me off as a potential date. How I seem kinda blond at times; how he doesn't like it that I wear acrylic nails, that maybe I should get a breast reduction so that I don't have to worry about boob sweat (and so they won't 'sag' as much), how my hair sheds a lot, how the smell of me lingers on him after sex and he can't seem to get it to go away no matter how much soap and water he uses; how he laughs at things I find romantic and sweet, he hates my music, he hates dancing, he doesn't like my friends (he thinks they're low-lifes and degenerates). He compares me sometimes to his friend's girlfriend who is a 23 year old with a boob job, who has all different types of girl friends, and she's therefore more socially 'healthier' than me. I'm sorry, but no wonder you are deeply unhappy in this relationship. This guy is a jerk, who picks you apart and puts you down. Why are you still with him? I wouldn't tolerate this little punk one more day. 1 hour ago, ThereSheGoes said: He has given you no real implication of not loving you. Yes, he has. See all the above from the first part I quoted. He is demeaning and belittlinng. That is not love. Stop trying to convince yourself that the problem is you. The problem is him, and he's a terrible boyfriend. 1 hour ago, ThereSheGoes said: Advice on how I can stem these dark waves? Yep. Lose this guy. Find someone who actually values and cherishes you- just the way you are. 1
Wiseman2 Posted June 5, 2022 Posted June 5, 2022 1 hour ago, ThereSheGoes said: he said that Scandinavians and Japanese people are the most genetically superior people and that if he could have, he would have gone for one of those demographics. It sounds like you are dating someone from the Klan or skinheads. The chemistry may have been ok at first but this has disaster and heartbreak in the forecast. 1
lonelyplanetmoon Posted June 5, 2022 Posted June 5, 2022 I am confused. If you are feeling xyz why don’t you talk to him about it? It is your responsibility to communicate. You cannot expect him to read your mind. He obviously knew something was wrong which was why he was asking you. So just be honest and tell him what is going on. Holding it in will make you go crazy with worry and high emotions. Sometimes talking about it helps because he gets to explain his side of things which may be a different perspective and put you at ease. You just gotta talk and speak your truth. Then judge him by how he communicates back etc. 1
Author ThereSheGoes Posted June 5, 2022 Author Posted June 5, 2022 4 minutes ago, lonelyplanetmoon said: I am confused. If you are feeling xyz why don’t you talk to him about it? It is your responsibility to communicate. You cannot expect him to read your mind. He obviously knew something was wrong which was why he was asking you. So just be honest and tell him what is going on. Holding it in will make you go crazy with worry and high emotions. Sometimes talking about it helps because he gets to explain his side of things which may be a different perspective and put you at ease. You just gotta talk and speak your truth. Then judge him by how he communicates back etc. I've spoken to him before about this. Again, this isn't the first time I have felt this way. We've spoken about things and usually the end result is, I need to communicate more and it's all in my head.
Author ThereSheGoes Posted June 5, 2022 Author Posted June 5, 2022 2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: It sounds like you are dating someone from the Klan or skinheads. The chemistry may have been ok at first but this has disaster and heartbreak in the forecast. He can be a little extremist. The 'men's club' he is in, was actually one of the groups that stormed the White House last year. I think he's in it because he craves brotherhood and male comradery. As a woman of color who has Liberal ideals, I see it as a cult, filled with racial and xenophobic hate. We've discussed this and he has stated that he isn't leaving the group. Simply for the reasons I mentioned above: He likes the brotherhood-ness of it. I suggested that he join an all men's fitness group or a mens' atheletic club, just something other than a cult that is on the FBI watch list.
Wiseman2 Posted June 5, 2022 Posted June 5, 2022 1 minute ago, ThereSheGoes said: He can be a little extremist. The 'men's club' he is in, was actually one of the groups that stormed the White House last year. Run from this man 1 1
lonelyplanetmoon Posted June 5, 2022 Posted June 5, 2022 Well if you have talked to him about it and he has not responded in a loving and understanding manner then you have to ask yourself why you are deciding to stay with him. A big part of being in a relationship is how you feel about yourself. And if being with him makes you this stressed out then I would say there is a major incompatibility there and other deeper issues. Remember being with him is a choice. I have learned that love DOES NOT conquer all. It is worse to be lonely and anxious in a relationship than it is to be single and happy in your own skin. If you seek peace then you should take some time away from him to figure out you and what you want. It all starts with you. He can’t do anything to MAKE you happy if you are not happy yourself. He can add to your happiness that is all a partner can really do. If he makes you feel bad about yourself then kick him to the curb. There are always better options. 1
Author ThereSheGoes Posted June 5, 2022 Author Posted June 5, 2022 4 hours ago, Atwood said: I am so terribly sorry, this sounds so heartbreaking. Especially because you seem to be quite blameful of yourself and seem to think it's your job to just get through it and cope with someone who is starving you of affection and making you feel insecure and honestly sounds like he's setting you up for years of emotional abuse. I know you're going to read that term "emotional abuse" and immediately launch into a million reasons why that's an overreaction, or make excuses for him, or blame yourself and think you're misrepresenting the situation. However, please know I have been there. You and I both know that someone who loves you shouldn't say those horrible things, make you feel so badly about yourself, or compare you to others. We would never do it to someone we love, would we? So why tolerate it from him? I used to date someone who said many similar things to this. Constant implications I was overweight, talking about me getting plastic surgery, pointing out my bad qualities but pretending he was okay with putting up with me for my good qualities, comparing me to my best friend or celebrities who had "better" bodies according to him. I tried to fix this and be good enough and be better and make things feel right for years and things only got worse and worse until I honestly felt like a shell of my former self. I felt so insecure and unwell and I was running myself into the ground trying to avoid making him unhappy every day. When I left he told me I made him so happy and that I was perfect and that our relationship was everything he could ever want: it became very clear he was only ever saying those things to keep me in my place because he was the one who was insecure and knew I could do better. After I finally got out, I met someone else who not only doesn't say any of these horrible things, but is horrified that they were ever said to me in the first place. I promise you that there are genuinely wonderful, kind, considerate, sensitive and non-abusive people out there and the longer you stay with this man who is clearly hurting you, the longer you are depriving yourself. And listen, I know you've got some issues communicating your needs with him and that you have abandonment issues: whilst those are things we do need to work on in therapy and for ourselves that doesn't give other people liscence to treat us badly. Someone who loves us helps us and cares for us and encourages us. You don't have to put up with being treated so badly. If he knows he can say these things and you won't leave him, it will only get worse. I recognise this pattern and I urge you to be brave and accept no less than what we all deserve: not to be abused or mistreated. caution: he won't take kindly to being called out on this. You might think you will have the upper hand going into a discussion about all the terrible things he has said and it's worth having a conversation about, but if he gets defensive/angry/tries to turn it around and say it's you: you know things won't get better. I'm sorry for such a bleak post, but I promise that life without people like this is worth fighting to get to. This person is not treating you right and you are not crazy for being upset: you are a normal loving human who would never treat anybody this way. Don't let him convince you that you've gone mad. This is what these people do. I'm rooting for you. Thank you for your words. I understand that sometimes we can be dismissive of emotional abuse, because we feel like it is not extreme enough. I've definitely felt that. I never thought he treated me bad, just that he had opinions and 'preferences.' But it still bothered me, nonetheless. I surmised that I've taken it personally and in turn I feel stupid, because when I try and communicate what I am feeling, it sounds so silly to me. Like I am blowing up things out of proportion. I came back to his place after getting some lunch and getting my nails done (I did some reading in the park, too) and he's home. And I just put my stuff away and go in to his bedroom. He then comes in and asks me again, what's wrong. I tell him I've just been out by myself. He keeps pressing, I won't say anything. He kinda chuckles and then he leaves. I'm going to try and talk to him when he gets back. But since we've been down this road, I'm going to try a different approach.
ExpatInItaly Posted June 5, 2022 Posted June 5, 2022 25 minutes ago, ThereSheGoes said: The 'men's club' he is in, was actually one of the groups that stormed the White House last year. I think he's in it because he craves brotherhood and male comradery. As a woman of color who has Liberal ideals, I see it as a cult, filled with racial and xenophobic hate. What on earth are you doing with this man? Seriously, OP. Changing your approach isn't going to make a lick of difference. He's rude, bigotted and treats you like crap. Please, girl, don't be so desperate for a boyfriend that you just accept anyone. You need standards. This guy is bottom-of-the-barrel. 2 1
Ami1uwant Posted June 6, 2022 Posted June 6, 2022 6 hours ago, ThereSheGoes said: He can be a little extremist. The 'men's club' he is in, was actually one of the groups that stormed the White House last year. I think he's in it because he craves brotherhood and male comradery. As a woman of color who has Liberal ideals, I see it as a cult, filled with racial and xenophobic hate. We've discussed this and he has stated that he isn't leaving the group. Simply for the reasons I mentioned above: He likes the brotherhood-ness of it. I suggested that he join an all men's fitness group or a mens' atheletic club, just something other than a cult that is on the FBI watch list. Your user name is apropos here….there was also to invest in that starting post. why did you stay with him given the political differences? you are not communicating with him properly. As you started talking about these moods. You didn’t seem to tell him about it.
ShyViolet Posted June 6, 2022 Posted June 6, 2022 6 hours ago, ThereSheGoes said: He can be a little extremist. The 'men's club' he is in, was actually one of the groups that stormed the White House last year. I think he's in it because he craves brotherhood and male comradery. As a woman of color who has Liberal ideals, I see it as a cult, filled with racial and xenophobic hate. What on earth???? How could you be with someone like this? This guy has really, really poor character. He's not a nice person, he has made way too many backhanded compliments and outright insults towards you, and the racist/extreme political stuff.... It sounds like you have really low self-esteem, but you need to get away from this man. And then get into some serious therapy to work on your self-esteem.
Recommended Posts