Is he interested but scared, just wants a friendship, or does he even like me as a friend?

June 4, 2022

So my work partner for the last 4 months & I are super similar & have a really interesting bond. We get along pretty well & are always laughing/goofing around. They try & keep the same people working in the same areas, but I think we're the only definite set, partly since we work well together. We remind me of Jamie & Eddie in Blue Bloods. Several people who know us think we'd be perfect together. We have a million things in common. One of our bosses called us cohorts. We don't always see eye to eye, but most of our work day is us alone or with 20 kids, so when we do disagree we have to compromise. We continually get closer. I've developed some feelings for him, but I have some concerns on how he feels about me. If he doesn't even like me as a person, I might switch for a bit. He did have a rough last relationship & has deep trust issues, so all of these things could be a lack of confidence. It has gotten better. Anyways. Concerns:

1- He's a great listener if he knows it's important to me. He will repeat something I told someone else weeks before, but doesn't ask questions. He is a private person though, & doesn't like it when people get deep with him

2- He's quick to reassure me if I think I messed up, but never compliments me unless it's his way of saying I liked it when you did this better. Or if I make a self-deprecating joke, he doesn't correct it. But he make the same jokes & doesn't like it when people rebuke his

3- Unless he's in a certain mood, he won't tease me. He will other people. Once I thought I was next & he made it clear I wasn't. Except the other night when he said he thought about calling out some. I was like "I'm that bad?" He said yes. There were other people around, so it really was probably a joke, but Idk.

4- He usually won't do stuff out of work. He's super introverted, doesn't do much with anyone, & his excuses are always INCREDIBLE. But still. There have been a couple times he has invited me, but in a group.

5- He's still nervous around me. He opens up some, but barely other times. If he thinks he'll embarrass himself, he won't share or let me see

6- He still hasn't accepted my friend request

7- He doesn't usually seek me out or make me a first pick for meetings/games

8- He used to make insane eye contact when I talk. I still catch him looking at times, but now the only time is when HE is talking. All the other body language signs are good though.

My main thing is timing. It took us awhile to get to this point, but our hours together just got reduced to a fairly standard 20 instead of 20-40 and we are likely being split altogether in August.

Edited June 4, 2022 by EmmieB

June 4, 2022

23 minutes ago, EmmieB said:

It took us awhile to get to this point, but our hours together just got reduced to a fairly standard 20 instead of 20-40 and we are likely being split altogether in August.

Maybe that's when he'll ask you out if he's interested? Most people are wary of dating coworkers.

June 4, 2022

2 minutes ago, SingFish said:

Maybe that's when he'll ask you out if he's interested? Most people are wary of dating coworkers.

The thought has occurred to me. With our hours reduced though, I was weary of waiting it out. Especially after I'm used to so much individual time. Also, I might try and have my hours shifted more if people think he's fed up with me. Don't want to overwhelm him. I'm also trying not to be jealous that he'll be working with other people at all It helps that one is 18 and the other is engaged.

June 4, 2022

I don't see much here to suggest that he sees you as anything more than a pleasant colleague, OP.

June 4, 2022

6 hours ago, EmmieB said:

There have been a couple times he has invited me, but in a group.

He still hasn't accepted my friend request

He doesn't usually seek me out or make me a first pick for meetings/games

It's ok to have a crush, it's ok to have work friends. However this isn't a dating or even flirting situation.

Have fun, be polite and professional, date outside of work.

June 4, 2022

He sounds like a colleague and he's doing his best to keep things amicable and cordial with everyone. Try not to make anyone nervous around you. If he's not asking you out or keeping his private life quiet/private for the most part respect that and step back. It sounds like he's actually actively keeping you out of his personal life and keeping your interactions work-related only.

I'd leave him be and date outside of work if you're looking for company. The whole rough relationship/ex situation - is that something he volunteered? Someone who voices that likely isn't over their ex yet either or isn't healed up enough to put that in the past and not have to talk about it.

June 4, 2022

Sorry no this is just workplace bonding nothing more. A lot of people keep work life and private life separate. When you catch feelings for someone you start to see things that are not really there. Just because you get along like gangbusters doesn't mean romance as a result.

June 4, 2022

4 hours ago, glows said:

He sounds like a colleague and he's doing his best to keep things amicable and cordial with everyone. Try not to make anyone nervous around you. If he's not asking you out or keeping his private life quiet/private for the most part respect that and step back. It sounds like he's actually actively keeping you out of his personal life and keeping your interactions work-related only.

I'd leave him be and date outside of work if you're looking for company. The whole rough relationship/ex situation - is that something he volunteered? Someone who voices that likely isn't over their ex yet either or isn't healed up enough to put that in the past and not have to talk about it.

He's been pretty open and has volunteered alllllll the information about himself. He is definitely over her, and has does a good bit of healing but it did add to his trust issues. The trust issues are why I think some days he's pushing me away and others all he wants to do is hang out and talk when we can. I.e, some days it's definitely work only and he's in a mood with everyone. And I think he thinks he deserves to be alone. I'm trying to talk him into getting counseling.

Thanks for the advice! I'll definitely respect that more. On the days he's interested, he'll come.

June 4, 2022

8 minutes ago, EmmieB said:

I'm trying to talk him into getting counseling.

This is not your job. Your job is to go to work. You two are not in a relationship and whatever his issues are with his personal love life is something he can talk to friends and family about. If he brings this up too much, change the subject. You are both there to get a paycheck, it's not group therapy.

June 4, 2022

Hr asked me my opinion on it. And they do encourage us to all be there for each other. They know we're underpaid, but a perk is often friendships. There are a couple minute periods where most days, we literally don't have anything we should be doing, or over lunch, walking out, etc. Otherwise, 110% agree .

Edited June 4, 2022 by EmmieB

June 4, 2022

12 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

This is not your job. Your job is to go to work. You two are not in a relationship and whatever his issues are with his personal love life is something he can talk to friends and family about. If he brings this up too much, change the subject. You are both there to get a paycheck, it's not group therapy.

Our bosses had encouraged him to go, and he asked me my opinion on it. And they do encourage us to all be there for each other. They know we're underpaid, but a perk is often friendships. There are a couple minute periods where most days, we literally don't have anything we should be doing, or over lunch, walking out, etc. Otherwise, 110% agree .

Edited June 4, 2022 by EmmieB

June 4, 2022

18 minutes ago, EmmieB said:

Our bosses had encouraged him to go, and he asked me my opinion on it. And they do encourage us to all be there for each other. They know we're underpaid, but a perk is often friendships. There are a couple minute periods where most days, we literally don't have anything we should be doing, or over lunch, walking out, etc. Otherwise, 110% agree .

I'm a manager and I think they mean to support each other related to your job, and to get along to create a happy work environment. Hope he feels better.

June 4, 2022

12 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

I'm a manager and I think they mean to support each other related to your job, and to get along to create a happy work environment. Hope he feels better.

To create a better work environment, 100%. They specified as friends though. Obviously, for work related things. But they want other people to see that we care about each other as well. We spend a LOT of time together. If you're not getting along with whoever you're working with, tension will be high, kids see it, and it makes everything worse. They 1000% need us to be friends.

I definitely appreciate the perspective though, and I can see how most work places wouldn't focus on that. And I also hope he feels better. He's been through a loooooooot.

Edited June 4, 2022 by EmmieB
Grammaelr

June 4, 2022

1 hour ago, EmmieB said:

I think some days he's pushing me away and others all he wants to do is hang out and talk when we can.

I don't think he's pushing you away. I think he just wants to be friends and some days isn't feeling as chatty.

June 4, 2022

13 hours ago, EmmieB said:

So my work partner for the last 4 months & I are super similar & have a really interesting bond. We get along pretty well & are always laughing/goofing around. They try & keep the same people working in the same areas, but I think we're the only definite set, partly since we work well together. We remind me of Jamie & Eddie in Blue Bloods. Several people who know us think we'd be perfect together. We have a million things in common. One of our bosses called us cohorts. We don't always see eye to eye, but most of our work day is us alone or with 20 kids, so when we do disagree we have to compromise. We continually get closer. I've developed some feelings for him, but I have some concerns on how he feels about me. If he doesn't even like me as a person, I might switch for a bit. He did have a rough last relationship & has deep trust issues, so all of these things could be a lack of confidence. It has gotten better. Anyways. Concerns:

1- He's a great listener if he knows it's important to me. He will repeat something I told someone else weeks before, but doesn't ask questions. He is a private person though, & doesn't like it when people get deep with him

2- He's quick to reassure me if I think I messed up, but never compliments me unless it's his way of saying I liked it when you did this better. Or if I make a self-deprecating joke, he doesn't correct it. But he make the same jokes & doesn't like it when people rebuke his

3- Unless he's in a certain mood, he won't tease me. He will other people. Once I thought I was next & he made it clear I wasn't. Except the other night when he said he thought about calling out some. I was like "I'm that bad?" He said yes. There were other people around, so it really was probably a joke, but Idk.

4- He usually won't do stuff out of work. He's super introverted, doesn't do much with anyone, & his excuses are always INCREDIBLE. But still. There have been a couple times he has invited me, but in a group.

5- He's still nervous around me. He opens up some, but barely other times. If he thinks he'll embarrass himself, he won't share or let me see

6- He still hasn't accepted my friend request

7- He doesn't usually seek me out or make me a first pick for meetings/games

8- He used to make insane eye contact when I talk. I still catch him looking at times, but now the only time is when HE is talking. All the other body language signs are good though.

My main thing is timing. It took us awhile to get to this point, but our hours together just got reduced to a fairly standard 20 instead of 20-40 and we are likely being split altogether in August.

Reading this^, it's very clear how into this guy you are @EmmieB. However, sadly for you I don't think it's reciprocated.

What you’ve posted sounds like some very creative mental maneuvering on your part in an effort to convince yourself there's something there, when there's not.

Not judging I've done same, I have done some of the most creative mental maneuvering one could ever imagine, taking what is barely a scrap, and turning into something significant with endless possibilities

It wasn't and in this case, isn't either. He is a work colleague, period.

You are projecting your own strong feelings on to him which is fairly standard when we really like someone, we assume they must feel the same. But it's a fantasy and very dangerous especially in a work environment.

People including him can sense your attachment and it can make things very awkward and uncomfortable not only for him but for everyone.

Step way back. Take your emotions out of this equation and see it for what it is, not what you want it to be.

I'm sorry, I wish I could be more positive.

June 4, 2022

2 hours ago, EmmieB said:

He's been pretty open and has volunteered alllllll the information about himself. He is definitely over her, and has does a good bit of healing but it did add to his trust issues. The trust issues are why I think some days he's pushing me away and others all he wants to do is hang out and talk when we can. I.e, some days it's definitely work only and he's in a mood with everyone. And I think he thinks he deserves to be alone. I'm trying to talk him into getting counseling.

Thanks for the advice! I'll definitely respect that more. On the days he's interested, he'll come.

I'd be careful about someone who does this: I'm responding in reference to volunteering "alllllll the information about himself". This is a colleague so remember that too many personal details are inappropriate especially as you've known one another for only four months. You seem too enmeshed (too involved in someone whom you don't need to be). It's kind of you to care for your fellow coworker but know when to draw the line and avoid fantasizing that he may be into you or that there's something there. You're making the work environment more confusing and difficult for yourself in the long run. And this is more about you than it is about him as even though you're underpaid it's still a paycheque.

Why not focus on finding a better paying job or chart a plan for yourself, use this job as a stepping stone for something more? Have a plan, focus on your future. Keep things light in the workplace but focus on moving on. This isn't the last stop for you. Get out of here if it's underpaid work and work toward something better.

June 4, 2022

7 minutes ago, glows said:

I'd be careful about someone who does this: I'm responding in reference to volunteering "alllllll the information about himself". This is a colleague so remember that too many personal details are inappropriate especially as you've known one another for only four months. You seem too enmeshed (too involved in someone whom you don't need to be). It's kind of you to care for your fellow coworker but know when to draw the line and avoid fantasizing that he may be into you or that there's something there. You're making the work environment more confusing and difficult for yourself in the long run. And this is more about you than it is about him as even though you're underpaid it's still a paycheque.

Why not focus on finding a better paying job or chart a plan for yourself, use this job as a stepping stone for something more? Have a plan, focus on your future. Keep things light in the workplace but focus on moving on. This isn't the last stop for you. Get out of here if it's underpaid work and work toward something better.

Thank you for the honesty! I think it's less that I think he likes me, but more that I know at times our chemistry is incredible and has not gone unnoticed by others. And there are very few people that I've spent nearly as much time with as him in the last 4 months, because it's literally just the two of us for a several hours every single day, plus many more hours of us with no other adults. Plus the occasional outside of work. If you run back your social interactions at the end of each day, the majority involve him. I'll definitely work on stepping back. Part of my problem too is that I'm extremely empathetic. So if he's in a mood where he needs to open up, there aren't alot of people to listen so if we aren't responsible for the kids at the moment, i.e, a break, walking to cars, cleaning, I don't ever put a stop to it.

June 4, 2022

6 minutes ago, EmmieB said:

there are very few people that I've spent nearly as much time with as him in the last 4 months, because it's literally just the two of us for a several hours every single day, plus many more hours of us with no other adults. Plus the occasional outside of work. If you run back your social interactions at the end of each day, the majority involve him

That may be true, but it doesn't necessarily mean he has romantic feelings for you. People can spend a lot of time together but just be friendly colleagues.

I would also advise stepping back. I am sure he knows you like him, but for now, there isn't any indication that the interest is mutual. Especially since he hasn't asked to see you (alone) outside work not accepted your social media request, it appears he's trying to keep his professional and personal life separate. I would operate under the assumption that he just wants to be work pals.

June 4, 2022

5 minutes ago, EmmieB said:

Thank you for the honesty! I think it's less that I think he likes me, but more that I know at times our chemistry is incredible and has not gone unnoticed by others. And there are very few people that I've spent nearly as much time with as him in the last 4 months, because it's literally just the two of us for a several hours every single day, plus many more hours of us with no other adults. Plus the occasional outside of work. If you run back your social interactions at the end of each day, the majority involve him. I'll definitely work on stepping back. Part of my problem too is that I'm extremely empathetic. So if he's in a mood where he needs to open up, there aren't alot of people to listen so if we aren't responsible for the kids at the moment, i.e, a break, walking to cars, cleaning, I don't ever put a stop to it.

I hear you as I'm the same way and have developed friendships at the places I have worked, outlasting the jobs themselves. Just keep reminding yourself that it's work and separate work from personal. He may need to talk but know when to end the conversation or change the topic where appropriate and move on to something else. Work on getting out of the low paying job and find something else too. Why dig yourself into a hole staying there or not feeling like you're compensated fairly?

I'm not sure how things are looking where you are - start looking at at meet ups and interest groups in your area to socialize so you're not hanging around your work crowd all the time. Variety is healthy if you're looking at ways to stay occupied and engaged interest/hobby-wise.

June 4, 2022

25 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

That may be true, but it doesn't necessarily mean he has romantic feelings for you. People can spend a lot of time together but just be friendly colleagues.

I would also advise stepping back. I am sure he knows you like him, but for now, there isn't any indication that the interest is mutual. Especially since he hasn't asked to see you (alone) outside work not accepted your social media request, it appears he's trying to keep his professional and personal life separate. I would operate under the assumption that he just wants to be work pals.

I'm definitely going to back off based on this and things others have said. I think with him though it's me specifically and not wanting to keep work and personal life's separate. He's friends with other co-workers. His last girlfriend was a co-worker. Not his partner like I am, because we're I think the first set partner group, but part of the reason I thought he might be scared is because he saw us getting close/noticed the chemistry and was afraid to let that happen again. I think it scared him at how quickly he ended up trusting me with some things. We were talking to a co-worker yesterday who is new but he knows a bit, and she asked him a personal question that he answered very vaguely, when he'd told me everything 2 weeks in.

You absolutely have some great advice, and I really appreciate the time you've put in .

June 4, 2022

34 minutes ago, glows said:

I hear you as I'm the same way and have developed friendships at the places I have worked, outlasting the jobs themselves. Just keep reminding yourself that it's work and separate work from personal. He may need to talk but know when to end the conversation or change the topic where appropriate and move on to something else. Work on getting out of the low paying job and find something else too. Why dig yourself into a hole staying there or not feeling like you're compensated fairly?

I'm not sure how things are looking where you are - start looking at at meet ups and interest groups in your area to socialize so you're not hanging around your work crowd all the time. Variety is healthy if you're looking at ways to stay occupied and engaged interest/hobby-wise.

Thank you for the advice!! I appreciate the time you've put in.

June 4, 2022

11 minutes ago, EmmieB said:

I thought he might be scared is because he saw us getting close/noticed the chemistry and was afraid to let that happen again.

Maybe, but this could also just be you projecting your feelings through a hopeful lens.

It could just be that he doesn't see you that way.

June 4, 2022

1 hour ago, EmmieB said:

I just know at times our chemistry is incredible and has not gone unnoticed by others. And there are very few people that I've spent nearly as much time with as him in the last 4 months, because it's literally just the two of us for a several hours every single day, plus many more hours of us with no other adults.

15 minutes ago, EmmieB said:

part of the reason I thought he might be scared is because he saw us getting close/noticed the chemistry and was afraid to let that happen again.

Emmie, the above two quotes discussing your "incredible chemistry" and him being "scared" is what I meant by creative mental maneuvering and you projecting your feelings on to him..

There is no indication from anything you have written about how he interacts with you that HE feels this same amazing chemistry or that's he's 'scared.'

Those are your feelings, not his, combined with some very unrealistic wishful thinking.

It's important to remain grounded. As well as cognizant and aware of how our mind can sometimes play tricks on us in this regard, which can often be a very difficult thing to do when we really like someone.

I speak from experience when saying this as I've been guilty of this myself, I think we all have.

Edited June 4, 2022 by poppyfields

June 17, 2022

Y'ALL, he grabbed my hand today. And silently held it for like 5 minutes. We were playing around when he'd been slapping himself, and I was trying to get my hand under his to stop him. Then we had a really awkward couple hours because we were both in shock lol.

Like at one point he legit tried to get rid of me for a few minutes. We've had a great week though. A lil bit of texting, walking to our cars together, he waited on me a couple times, etc.

Edited June 17, 2022 by EmmieB

June 17, 2022

9 hours ago, EmmieB said:

we were both in shock lol.

Me too because I don't understand your post. Him slapping himself, awkward couple hours, walking to your cars and had a really good week. Okay Emmie as long as you're happy.

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