Is this normal?

June 3, 2022

12 hours ago, LeoEnki said:

After lurking on here as a guest to find some answers, I finally decided to sign up and share experiences to see if I am not the only one struggling to find a normal partner.

Quick background on things: 31, male, run a small financial services company, go to the gym around 4 times a week and have my own flat.

At age 28, after 8 years with my ex (fiancé) I decided to leave due to emotional cheating (which I can prove) - I suspect she was physically cheating, but I cannot prove it. There is no going back, period.

Almost 4 years now I have been single and honestly I am taken a back at the dating experiences. These experiences have been mostly online with a few traditional encounters.

For context sake I will name these experiences by numbers and a brief description.

Woman #1: Tinder - We talked for around 4 months, we met, had a one night stand, got "close" (everytime we met we slept together). I would consider it got more and more serious/in a relationship the more we met but she was hesitant. Months later (after meeting in person), around the 3rd month mark in (7 total incl talking on app), she confessed she was in a "situationship" and returned to her ex. I was surprised and cut all ties.

Woman #2: Bumble - We got on like fire, quick and straight to the point with things/subjects and the way we looked at the world. She also was into taking care of herself, going to the gym and presented herself well. It was hard not get my hopes up. After months of sleeping together and claiming she had a "hard time" dealing with her "boss" to get appropriate work hours / settled work schedule - She confessed that she is really a single mother (no work) with two children and that she hide these things away from me to "protect me". Gobsmacked wasnt the words to describe how I felt. I couldnt commit and the lies was a massive red flag.

Woman #3: Friend of a Friend: At my 30th I met this woman through a good friend of mine and we got on well. She wasnt the "type" I would go for but I gave it a go. We got on well until she started to brand herself as some sort of champion feminist - that there is institutional patriarchy throughout the UK - if it wasnt bad enough that I got the impression she hated men - she had serious problems with me going to the Gym after work which would cause arguments. It got too much for me and I decided to stop seeing her.

Woman #4: Friend of a Friend: My best mates, misses, best friend - we got on really well, went walks and things were normal. Couple of months in after I decided she can move in to my flat she kept on moaning about my work hours, that I wasnt "spending time with her". I never asked her for rent but she wouldnt even have the decency to wash up and clean after herself. I confronted her about this while going to Tesco one day and she got physical with me (slapping me in the arm and screaming at me while driving). I was astonished, physical abuse in no shape or form is I will not tolerate. I cut all ties after that day. She sent me a long message on Facebook claiming her exs "abused" her and she "thought" that its normal. I told my best friend and his misses what happened which came to a shock to my best friend but not his misses where she told me she can be a bit of a "psycho". Why didnt she tell me this before? Not only was I disappointed with my best friends misses I told her she cant under any circumstances let the psycho near me again.

Woman #5: Acquaintance through High School: I knew her name (knew off her), we talked at the gym and I asked her number. Similiar situation like Woman #2 she hid her own children/flesh and blood away from me and made out she worked for her own flat and possessions (she wasnt in work). I couldnt believe it - the lies again!

I am genuinely taken a back at how these people are prideful for what they should be ashamed of. Also the elements of narcissism and manipulation these women attempt to put on you is absolutely disgraceful. None of these women were half of what they made out to be - if they worked they were either in retail or work for the NHS (nothing wrong with that) but they looked down on joiners and electricians - I couldnt understand it. All of them were intimidated by my honesty and confrontations. They acted like little children.

All of them had extremely bizarre polarised interpretations of what I do for a living - all of them kept assuming I was a "wolf of wall street" type because I sold services in equities. I kept telling them its boring, its not what they think and my salary/income is vaguely the same as most peoples in the UK - which almost upset all of them (they got surprised for some reason). I had one woman even say to me "I thought you would be driving a Range Rover not a BMW" …

The expectations these women had for me, but not for themselves (through lies) was astounding. All of them had the character and sense of zero accountability and attempted to justified it. What is that all about?

I genuinely get the impression that doing well for yourself - earning and looking after yourself - at the gym is a real problem? Is that seriously where we are at now?

Sounds like plain old Bad luck. Unfortunate. But at least you didn't spend years getting to know these people and found out pretty quickly their true colours.

June 3, 2022

12 hours ago, LeoEnki said:

.At age 28, after 8 years with my ex (fiancé) I decided to leave due to emotional cheating

Almost 4 years now I have been single and honestly I am taken a back at the dating experiences.

Sorry this happened. You were together since age 20? Why were you engaged that long?

It seems like you sort of went a bit wild after being tied down too young and for too long.

For example, letting someone move in after a couple of months? Dating without knowing the basics like kids or profession?

There's more to life than the gym and work. Both aren't places to meet women. Broaden your horizons.

You're burned out from too much too soon. Get to know someone before jumping in headfirst. And texting is not dating or getting to know someone so skip too much of that.

There's tons of women out there but you'll need to be more discerning about red flags early on.

June 3, 2022

There's a lot of damaged people out there. Despite not being in a relationship right now, I decided not to date. It's a jungle and I can't go through all the crap you describe, OP.

June 5, 2022

On 6/3/2022 at 2:55 AM, mark clemson said:

You have dated 5 women + your prior GF. Consider that you are trying to make generalizations about a population of probably at least a few million women (in the dating pool in UK, which you show as your location) based on a sample size of six. You probably don't have access to ALL of these women, but nonetheless the point applies.

I dont really understand your point? I can only go with the experiences I have. I dont believe ALL women are like this as family members prove it. I never came into this forum under in my original post to conclude that ALL women are this - my original point is asking if these experiences are considered "normal" or I can relate with other members who have had similar experiences.

June 5, 2022

On 6/3/2022 at 1:20 PM, dramafreezone said:

There is a train of thought that if you're leading with deal breakers (like you list you don't want any children in your OLD profile), then some people will just lie about it.

Why is that? Wasting peoples time? Thats the whole point... I dont waste peoples time when people have boundaries.

On 6/3/2022 at 1:20 PM, dramafreezone said:

What is it that you want in a woman? Are there qualities that you select for besides looks? Have you come up with a short list of criteria, age range, no children, job?

Self respecting, attractive - moderate - simply not overweight, not have health conditions, feminine, family orientated (to have a family/settle down), 28-35, no children, job.

Edited June 5, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

June 5, 2022

On 6/3/2022 at 8:13 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. You were together since age 20? Why were you engaged that long?

Together since I was 20 (she was 22), we got engaged (after Uni) when I was 25 and she was 27.

On 6/3/2022 at 8:13 AM, Wiseman2 said:

It seems like you sort of went a bit wild after being tied down too young and for too long.

Im the commitment type. I run a company and go to the gym I dont have a lot of time just going wild.

On 6/3/2022 at 8:13 AM, Wiseman2 said:

For example, letting someone move in after a couple of months? Dating without knowing the basics like kids or profession?

Well I insisted after she fell out with her Dad. I did have second thoughts about it.

The kids and profession part?

On 6/3/2022 at 8:13 AM, Wiseman2 said:

There's more to life than the gym and work. Both aren't places to meet women. Broaden your horizons.

There isnt, health and money is the only fundamental things in life - especially your health.

Broaden your horizons? What would you suggest?

June 6, 2022

On 6/2/2022 at 2:19 PM, LeoEnki said:

I did this.

But… didn’t you go to her home? Ifyou go to her home the kids can’t be hidden.

I’ll be brutally honest here….

you came into this with no experience dating in the real world. How you find gf at 18-21 is not how you find them as an adult.

i think you need better screening methods than the simple questions you ask. There are ways to tell if thry are not working.

where are you in the UK? Is it a large city, small town, or London?

what he meant above about a paid site is both parties pay. Women don’t pay on bumble.

im not from the UK. I don’t know what the societal culture is like on men vs women or how single moms are viewed as undateable.

do you have a problem if they have kids? Is that a no go?

what sort of hours are you working? If you are working 10-12 hrs days and then going to the gym. You aren’t around much. This can be a common problem in dating where career comes first. You are operating on a weird schedule could also cause problem in a relationship.

June 6, 2022

18 hours ago, LeoEnki said:

Together since I was 20 (she was 22), we got engaged (after Uni) when I was 25 and she was 27.

Im the commitment type. I run a company and go to the gym I dont have a lot of time just going wild.

Well I insisted after she fell out with her Dad. I did have second thoughts about it.

The kids and profession part?

There isnt, health and money is the only fundamental things in life - especially your health.

Broaden your horizons? What would you suggest?

Life is more than just money. Health is more than just going to the gym.

my career choices are different. I work a 40 hr a week job. It’s my choice. I did not want a career that controlled my life.

can you even go on a vacation?

why didn’t you marry her? Nothing wrong in getting married young.

June 6, 2022

19 hours ago, LeoEnki said:

I dont really understand your point? I can only go with the experiences I have. I dont believe ALL women are like this as family members prove it. I never came into this forum under in my original post to conclude that ALL women are this - my original point is asking if these experiences are considered "normal" or I can relate with other members who have had similar experiences.

Got it + fair enough. I was under that impression more from the overall tone of your post, saying you're "taken aback by dating experiences," etc.

I would say we hear a steady drumbeat of people who've had one or more bad experiences dating on this site, so it's certainly out there. Particularly WRT online dating it would seem. So no, you're certainly not alone in this.

I will let other posters' replies speak for themselves.

June 6, 2022

14 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

I will let other posters' replies speak for themselves.

Well, there isn't much to comment. The OP has been unlucky until now. I'm sure there are a lot of decent people around, but dating takes time and a lot of effort, especially when you are not very young any more and you are a lot more selective in your choices than when you were 20.

Edited June 6, 2022 by giotto

June 6, 2022

45 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

Women don’t pay on bumble.

? Women dont pay premium. ?

45 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

do you have a problem if they have kids? Is that a no go?

what sort of hours are you working? If you are working 10-12 hrs days and then going to the gym. You aren’t around much. This can be a common problem in dating where career comes first. You are operating on a weird schedule could also cause problem in a relationship.

Yes, kids is a no go. I have been clear on that.

Usually 8-4, 5 days a week. Usually 40-50 hours a week, then straight to the Gym 3/4 times a week for about half an hour each visit.

My normal routine is out the flat at 8, in at 6ish. I wouldnt consider that problimatic, im not a lawyer for example that spends 12 hour days away.

June 6, 2022

19 hours ago, LeoEnki said:

Why is that? Wasting peoples time? Thats the whole point... I dont waste peoples time when people have boundaries.

Self respecting, attractive - moderate - simply not overweight, not have health conditions, feminine, family orientated (to have a family/settle down), 28-35, no children, job.

Well, it's your life ultimately. Maybe it sounds selfish of me, but wasting 30 minutes of someone else's time is better than them wasting 5 months or longer of my own time. And plus you never really know what you'll like until you're out on the date with them. But like I said, it's your life and your time to use how you see fit.

June 6, 2022

[ ]

6 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

can you even go on a vacation?

Yes, I have enough £ for that.

6 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

why didn’t you marry her? Nothing wrong in getting married young.

Well for the first 4 years of our relationship we were at University - it wasnt time to settle down, she was studying Nursing and I was studying Finance. We got engaged a year later after graduating. She expected me to save for the wedding and a really good honeymoon right away. Instead I made it clear that my company had to come first then we could settle down - she agreed to this but wasnt happy. She was just starting a Nursing job while I was trying to survive my business. Thats when things got rocky and I found out she was emotionally cheating - I ended it, she couldnt accept our differences.

Edited June 6, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
argumentative

June 6, 2022

7 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

Well, it's your life ultimately. Maybe it sounds selfish of me, but wasting 30 minutes of someone else's time is better than them wasting 5 months or longer of my own time. And plus you never really know what you'll like until you're out on the date with them. But like I said, it's your life and your time to use how you see fit.

Tbh, I respect people who are honest and know what they want. Thats exactly what im looking for. I just dont get the gaslighting and lies down the line.

June 6, 2022

6 hours ago, LeoEnki said:

? Women dont pay premium. ?

Yes, kids is a no go. I have been clear on that.

Usually 8-4, 5 days a week. Usually 40-50 hours a week, then straight to the Gym 3/4 times a week for about half an hour each visit.

My normal routine is out the flat at 8, in at 6ish. I wouldnt consider that problimatic, im not a lawyer for example that spends 12 hour days away.

No ….women don’t pay for bumble. Only men do. Paying fir the service doesn’t get you anything other than easier notifications on a woman swiping you.

your schedule seems reasonable.

June 6, 2022

6 hours ago, LeoEnki said:

[ ]

Yes, I have enough £ for that.

Well for the first 4 years of our relationship we were at University - it wasnt time to settle down, she was studying Nursing and I was studying Finance. We got engaged a year later after graduating. She expected me to save for the wedding and a really good honeymoon right away. Instead I made it clear that my company had to come first then we could settle down - she agreed to this but wasnt happy. She was just starting a Nursing job while I was trying to survive my business. Thats when things got rocky and I found out she was emotionally cheating - I ended it, she couldnt accept our differences.

Define emotionally cheating?

June 7, 2022

While I realize one of your prime goals here might be hearing other people's experiences so you don't feel like you are alone in what you experienced with these 5 women. Ok, is a "Wow" enough? Sure this is sort of crazy. and maybe even crazy common in this current dating environment. That said, I would focus my response on what things you could change to get a different result--not sure if you are "holding onto" these negative experiences to feel that you were in the right somehow. Ok, you might have been the person in the right, but it doesn't serve you to hold onto that. Drop it, hey even laugh about it, count yourself lucky to have only wasted a minimal amount of time and move on/let it go.

The mistakes I see with what you have done (mentioning them because they are what you can change/not absolving these women--those situations are over...talking about your future):

*5 people is not a significant "sample" size. You would need to date many more people to conclude that all your dating experiences will end up like this. Somehow you need to believe (in order to keep yourself going) that your population sample isn't large enough and you need to gather more "experiences" which means date more people. You are a math person so I will assume you have basic statistics knowledge. That you're population sample thus far was heavily weighted toward liars and/or people that didn't work out, just means it's a numbers game where you need a bigger sample size. Date more and also maybe (I would recommend) date several people in the first handful of dates ( at the same time) so you aren't wasting (your) time.

*To me, you jumped into "real" relationships too quickly with almost all 5 and with people you really didn't seem to know that well. I'm not sure how some of these people squeaked some of this major info past you, except that it could be that you aren't looking into it well enough. Idk, slow it down and make sure you know a lot more about people before you commit. Have to admit that seems to be a distinguishable pattern (that I would be worried about and it's on you as much as the women lying). Like how are you getting this far in with just surface info? Maybe raise your standards higher in terms of knowing their character--which will take more time, more in depth questions, discussions and dates. On one hand, I think you just have to be grateful that you found out before it got further along AND learn from it. Like qualify people better (which I'm sure you know how to do from your financial services business)--so apply to your dating life. Qualify people better-especially if you've been burned. Another reason to be glad and grateful it didn't work out with someone without character is because then you are stuck with someone without character and good morals sooo there's that. Blessing in disguise. Don't focus on fact that it didn't work out but grateful it didn't work out with a liar and that you are not in a serious relationship with someone you cannot trust.

*Don't let these experiences make you bitter and jaded that's highly unattractive. On paper you sound like you have a lot to offer so why let what these people did change who you are? Not saying you are but it could get dangerously close to that if you don't let it go.

*Hmmm, i forgot who said it but I agree with them. I think it's important to be about something more than work and gym (though I realize life is busy and that's sometimes is all people have time for). I think in a way if you aren't into some other driving force of life, some excitement for life, it's hard to convey a love of life to a potential partner and you might end up getting people who just want a relationship for a relationship's sake, security and for you to be a provider for them. That sort of sounds like what is going on in a way--that both parties are jumping in pretty fast--with no real glue or depth to the choice. And it may be because you haven't fully explored that yet in yourself. I think if you want to attract an amazing woman who is not "looking for a way out of her pathetic life", or looking for someone to save her you fleshing out your life would really help YOU to get more discerning and attract women who don't need saving!. IMO but yeah I'm sure of it. Got to be great to get great.

*ps again not absolving those women but I would guess they are trying to level the playing field is the reason why they did this. (Apps or meeting online provides an opportunity that would be less likely if you meet organically IMO other than the friends' bestie). Such as if the women are good looking enough to attract attention on bumble but the details of the rest of their character and career etc don't live up they can sort of get a foot in the door that they otherwise couldn't have, you know?. They would have incentive to lie or lead with their best characteristics (looks or basic surface stuff) and hide or bury the rest. Some girls who need survival have developed that survival mechanism and the lying that comes with it better than those who don't need it because they can rely on themselves to survive. ok good luck

June 7, 2022

16 hours ago, LeoEnki said:

I just dont get the gaslighting and lies down the line.

Find things out upfront. Profession, marital status, children,etc are the basics. So "down the line" makes little sense if you screen and observe before jumping in.

June 7, 2022

16 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

Define emotionally cheating?

Flirting with men through social media

June 7, 2022

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Find things out upfront. Profession, marital status, children,etc are the basics. So "down the line" makes little sense if you screen and observe before jumping in.

I did all this then the lies came. I dont get women saying they dont have children to my face.

June 7, 2022

On 6/6/2022 at 8:33 AM, LeoEnki said:

Tbh, I respect people who are honest and know what they want. Thats exactly what im looking for. I just dont get the gaslighting and lies down the line.

Well I certainly understand that, but that's something we all want, someone that's honest and knows what they want. We're all in the same incredibly long line waiting for that person to show up.

I think in reality most of us do not know *exactly* what we want. In my experience most people I meet are unsure or uncertain with regard to their interpersonal relationships to some degree, and I'm no different. Also the most glaring issue there is that we rarely consider what the people that we want, want. Does that makes sense? Maybe you are not what your ideal match wants, and part of why they have eluded you thus far.

I don't believe in coincidences in most cases. I think for the most part we receive what we get because of what we're manifesting to the outside world.

I guess my advice would be to practice eternal patience and not to settle for anything less than your standards. That can be an incredibly lonely existence though, and I think most people that are the happiest aren't the ones that found someone that found exactly what they wanted, but found ones that checked the most important boxes, and were able to look past their other faults, because we all have them. Wish you the best.

Edited June 7, 2022 by dramafreezone

June 7, 2022

17 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

I think in reality most of us do not know *exactly* what we want. In my experience most people I meet are unsure or uncertain with regard to their interpersonal relationships to some degree, and I'm no different.

Thats fair enough, I have been there before but I wouldnt bring myself (If I had any) to deny my own offsprings existence - says a lot about that person.

June 7, 2022

Welcome to dating. It sucks lol

June 7, 2022

Thread has been closed as it's going nowhere

Sign In

Is this normal?

Recommended Posts

Maldives

Wiseman2

giotto

LeoEnki

LeoEnki

LeoEnki

Ami1uwant

Ami1uwant

mark clemson

giotto

LeoEnki

dramafreezone

LeoEnki

LeoEnki

Ami1uwant

Ami1uwant

Versacehottie

Wiseman2

LeoEnki

LeoEnki

dramafreezone

LeoEnki

JRabbit

Lisa

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...