Not sure where to go after first date (updated)

[NuevoYorko]

This was a little exhausting to read.  I was kind of floored right at the start of it.  He had a sore throat - I don't think he needed to go on that walk with you.  No harm done, but you began with a bit of an awkward move.

You spend a tremendous amount of time and energy trying to figure out things that are impossible for you to figure out - because you have nothing really to go on at this point.

There is really only one question:  are YOU interested in him, and do YOU feel like investing some time getting to know him more and finding out if there is any potential between the two of you?   Seems that the answer is "yes," since you're going out again.

Stop trying to guess stuff about him,  and learn about him in person.  Hope it's fun.

 

[Red2016]

On 6/14/2022 at 5:23 PM, glows said:

Not everyone is moved so quickly. I can’t say I like anyone by a third date but will sense there may be something there to go on. He may be a slow mover too. Good for you for giving him a try and see where it leads.

Ok so an update!

went out to dinner last night - both of us had a great time. Compared to our previous coffee date, there were minimal awkward silences and the conversation really flowed. during the middle/toward the end, he even suggested if Im free this upcoming weekend maybe we can do something fun etc (we will try to think of something via text today). 

The only thing is, the ONLY thing he and I have done is give each other a hug (greeting or leaving) until now. This is our 3rd time meeting. (1st date walk, 2nd coffee, 3rd dinner). 

Im also not very assertive when it coming to flirting/being touchy, but i also cant tell if he is really physicall attracted to me! Sure, there's great convo/laughing/ a lot of common core values (we both feel like human connection is what makes life meaningful etc) and he is a pretty good listener since Im so damn chatty  but Im not sure why he hasnt made a move yet? is it that he's just not that interested? 

Thanks again strangers

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, Red2016 said:

  Im not sure why he hasnt made a move yet? 

Maybe he's pacing himself to not appear too aggressive. Take your time and relax. He asked you out again so see what happens.

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, Red2016 said:

is it that he's just not that interested? 

Of course not.  He wouldn't have asked you out and tried to make plans for this weekend if he wasn't interested.  He's just taking it slow.  If you want to go faster make a move on him.

[glows]

8 hours ago, Red2016 said:

Ok so an update!

went out to dinner last night - both of us had a great time. Compared to our previous coffee date, there were minimal awkward silences and the conversation really flowed. during the middle/toward the end, he even suggested if Im free this upcoming weekend maybe we can do something fun etc (we will try to think of something via text today). 

The only thing is, the ONLY thing he and I have done is give each other a hug (greeting or leaving) until now. This is our 3rd time meeting. (1st date walk, 2nd coffee, 3rd dinner). 

Im also not very assertive when it coming to flirting/being touchy, but i also cant tell if he is really physicall attracted to me! Sure, there's great convo/laughing/ a lot of common core values (we both feel like human connection is what makes life meaningful etc) and he is a pretty good listener since Im so damn chatty  but Im not sure why he hasnt made a move yet? is it that he's just not that interested? 

Thanks again strangers

What are you looking for exactly? A kiss? 

Do you give him a chance to talk as well or are you always the one talking? You'd mentioned the conversation flowed but I'm not sure if it's because you were the one talking mostly. Give him a chance to express himself. Otherwise I think what you're more into is the feeling of being in a relationship and getting attention rather than focusing on the person infront of you and whether they're compatible with you.

He's interested if he keeps asking you out but make sure you actually get to know this guy.

[BaileyB]

How do you know if a guy is interested - they keep asking you out! 

Just let this unfold naturally and enjoy it. Seriously, don’t over-think it or your anxiety will ruin what could turn out to be a very nice relationship. 

Edited June 18, 2022 by BaileyB

[Red2016]

22 hours ago, BaileyB said:

How do you know if a guy is interested - they keep asking you out! 

Just let this unfold naturally and enjoy it. Seriously, don’t over-think it or your anxiety will ruin what could turn out to be a very nice relationship. 

Thanks! Trying my best to stay positive here!

[Red2016]

On 6/17/2022 at 8:25 PM, BaileyB said:

How do you know if a guy is interested - they keep asking you out! 

Just let this unfold naturally and enjoy it. Seriously, don’t over-think it or your anxiety will ruin what could turn out to be a very nice relationship. 

Actually i had another question about this guy: 

Something else that I had noticed about him is that, and some of my own insecurity plays into this as well, and maybe the reason why Im uncertain is that he doesnt go out of his way to make me feel special or make me feel good in our many many text or in-peron convos. Sure, we have only met in real life 3x now, but we text p much everyday and Im not asking for him to be head over heels - but would be nice to get compliments here and there, not just regarding looks, but even if I tell him about an accomplishment or something. 

Looking back on our texts, usually when he shares something, I often reply affirmatively with "oh that's amazing that you did that!, you're so lucky, etc " but he seldom does this even though I feel like he has opportunities to be complimentary. I get that not everyone is verbally expressive like that and he is on the more introverted side (im definitely the chatty one), but basically, even if he is attentive in person, sends thoughtful texts and wants to spend time with me, I don't feel very valued or special. Again, not asking for empty compliments for the sake of vanity and he's pleasant to text with/definitely not a negative person either, but it would be nice to hear something toward me once in a while.

is there anything i can do about this (because if we keep dating, i dont want to lose my self esteem or resent him), or is this just not meant for compatibility? 

Edited June 19, 2022 by Red2016

[Versacehottie]

13 hours ago, Red2016 said:

i dont want to lose my self esteem or resent him),

While I totally get you that it would be nice to get compliments from the guy you are dating, but I wouldn't let your self esteem depend on anyone's compliments. Best thing you can do for yourself is find out how to give it to your self, keep you self-esteem high and stable rather than look to outside sources. 

I think it's a bit early in to assume you won't get any compliments from him...that said, he's probably showing you his tendency into not getting that deep at this point.which could mean he might not ever be the type to overly compliment. I think even though you say xyz and approach relationship in your way, don't expect the person you are dating to do it just like you do/would do. One of the beautiful things in life is appreciating that people do things differently and being open to the possibility that the way this person shows interest might exceed your expectations if you allow it to happen and realize it might show up differently that you expected. My guess is that he might be like a lot of guys where he will do things for you to show he cares vs verbalize it. 

[BaileyB]

13 hours ago, Red2016 said:

is there anything i can do about this (because if we keep dating, i dont want to lose my self esteem or resent him), or is this just not meant for compatibility? 

I will tell you Red, I have been with my partner for a long time and relationships are not rom-coms. Some men are more expressive and more inclined to romantic gestures while others are not not - does not mean that they are not sincere, loving, wonderful men.

I’m wondering, do you overthink everything in your life in this way? One thing that may be helpful for you is to consider some advice that one of my best friends gave me - because I like to overthink too. It was simply - if he is a nice guy, if you have fun when you are together, and if he treats you well - go out with him again. The only thing you need to think about after three dates is whether you are interested enough to go out with him again. The rest will reveal itself with time…

[NuevoYorko]

15 hours ago, Red2016 said:

 

is there anything i can do about this (because if we keep dating, i dont want to lose my self esteem or resent him), or is this just not meant for compatibility? 

What you can do about it:  STOP THE NONSTOP TEXTING AND ATTRIBUTING ANYTHING IMPORTANT TO WHATEVER TEXTS YOU DO EXCHANGE.

2 more points:   If your self esteem is going to be lost because of lack of compliments, you probably need to do some work on that.   Finally, not everyone is lavish with compliments.  If this is something you require, and you're not getting it, this is your signal that you & this guy are not compatible.  I would caution you on this though; it's easy for a person who thrives on compliments to be manipulated.  

[stillafool]

15 hours ago, Red2016 said:

is there anything i can do about this (because if we keep dating, i dont want to lose my self esteem or resent him), or is this just not meant for compatibility? 

No, other than telling him you like to be complimented there isn't much you can do about his lack of compliments.  You guys are not compatible.  Your love language is verbal affirmations and his is probably serving.  You will resent him in time because your need isn't being met.

[BaileyB]

30 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

I would caution you on this though; it's easy for a person who thrives on compliments to be manipulated.  

I would much rather have a man who loves me and shows me he loves me with a depth of actions rather than a man who knows the right thing to say but it’s disingenuous and he doesn’t back up his words up with actions. 

That said, not many people would stay with a man who doesn’t occasionally provide words of affirmation and love. That said - it’s been three dates… we don’t actually know that he isn’t the type of man to offer kind and loving words - they are still trying to learn each other’s favorite color and what they like to do for fun!

Edited June 19, 2022 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

30 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Your love language is verbal affirmations and his is probably serving. 

I would suggest, probably like many marriages… which is where compromise comes into play. Many men know they need to occasionally offer kind words and compliments and many women understand that they need to appreciate the compliments when they are said.

[Alpacalia]

Yes, I agree.^-^

All things considered, it does not seem on the surface that this guy is turning your fancy as far as a dating partner is concerned. 

I'm not sure if your insecurity is the main cause of the problem, or if you're just not compatible.

But, that's why you date, right? To see if you're compatible.

Still, I think it is really fantastic that you are learning what you like and want in a partner. On the other hand, be careful not to have to be overly guided every step of the way to figure out if you even like him.

You'll know when you do when you wish to know everything there is about him personally. You will want to know even the smallest things about him, like what his favorite food is.

Your questions about him will probably run wild.

You'll be so tucked into his little quirks and funny facial expressions, and you'll feel so cozy and warm inside. If he says "platypus", you'll think it's the most adorable thing ever.

So, give it some time I suppose.

In the absence of him getting down on one knee, bearing a jeweled encrusted fruit loop, I don't know what else you're looking for. He likes you. Cut it out.

 

[Red2016]

On 6/19/2022 at 4:04 PM, Alpacalia said:

Yes, I agree.^-^

All things considered, it does not seem on the surface that this guy is turning your fancy as far as a dating partner is concerned. 

I'm not sure if your insecurity is the main cause of the problem, or if you're just not compatible.

But, that's why you date, right? To see if you're compatible.

Still, I think it is really fantastic that you are learning what you like and want in a partner. On the other hand, be careful not to have to be overly guided every step of the way to figure out if you even like him.

You'll know when you do when you wish to know everything there is about him personally. You will want to know even the smallest things about him, like what his favorite food is.

Your questions about him will probably run wild.

You'll be so tucked into his little quirks and funny facial expressions, and you'll feel so cozy and warm inside. If he says "platypus", you'll think it's the most adorable thing ever.

So, give it some time I suppose.

In the absence of him getting down on one knee, bearing a jeweled encrusted fruit loop, I don't know what else you're looking for. He likes you. Cut it out.

 

ahhh, thanks for this thought out post and many others above! appreciate it.

So here is what will likely be a final update about this guy: 

So he and I started chatting about a month ago and texted daily since. He is thoughtful in what he texts, loves to share things about news/posts he read online etc and remembers everything I say about my life/day etc. all which I appreciate. 

Between dates, he is very supportive emotionally, if im having a bad day etc, we can chat on the phone and talk about things. all is well

The main question being: is there chemistry between us and is he the type of partner I want? 

We had date 4 (lunch) recently and the convo was mostly great, lots of laughs but beyond that, we cant seem to break through in terms of actual physical chemistry. We hugged at the beginning and end of the date. Also, he's fun to talk to/interesting, but I am not feeling special or impressed by him. So far we have only had a true dinner date (in which he hesitated when I asked if we should split.. but he did end up covering it in full) and yesterday, I gestured lightly "should we split...?" and he gave an enthusiastic yes! and (sorry if i sound shallow, but this really made me lose attraction as I was already on the fence somewhat). I mean, this is the 2nd time we've had something to eat and Im happy to split beyond 4+ dates but he is several years older, making decent income, and he knows Im a full time student (working on an advanced degree - will graduate next year to a well paying career but still have school loans). I've dated other students and sure, I can read the room and I wont expect someone who is studying full time with no income to take me out to nice places, but I was getting the sense that he is stingy. it's not that I cannot afford $15 for a lunch, but the gesture that counts so early on in dating someone - esp when there is such a disparity in jobs/income. Not to mention, the item he got was more expensive, and he also ate half of what was on my plate since I didnt finish it and it seemed out of left field to split for the reasons above.

I have a major deadline so will be MIA from my social life and I think this may be a good opportunity to start to fade out. 

If he does still consistently text, i may ask him, (where he sees this going/ bc I am not sure whether are dates are more platonic or romantic and would like to hear how he feels about it) - bc I dont want to ghost him and bc I havent felt special and the dates are still quite platonic after a month of meeting/texting. 

All in all, still a memorable experience - have nothing bad to say about him as a person! he could be a total catch for someone else.

we are just incompatible romantically. thank you for listening strangers!  

Edited June 26, 2022 by Red2016