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Not sure where to go after first date (updated)

Red2016

By Red2016
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Red2016 Established Member

Red2016

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We texted about our day earlier, and he says he went to lunch with a friend... apparently this is some very classy French restaurant. (Presumably a date lol!)

Anyway, he continues to text a BUNCH of things, and makes tries to flirt with an emoji here or there but again, just feeling mostly platonic vibes. Unclear where it is going.. 

Im too tired right now to respond to his various messages and thoughts, but on the off chance he asks me out (or even if he doesn't), could I ask him directly, "do you think there was a connection bettween us?" Curious to see what he would say, and it can't hurt to ask😆

-- for ppl reading this post^, I appreciate the input but if you can answer the actual question, that would be great

Edited by Red2016
Alpacalia Established Member

Alpacalia

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Posted (edited)
2 hours ago, Red2016 said:

Im too tired right now to respond to his various messages and thoughts, but on the off chance he asks me out (or even if he doesn't), could I ask him directly, "do you think there was a connection bettween us?" Curious to see what he would say, and it can't hurt to ask😆

-- for ppl reading this post^, I appreciate the input but if you can answer the actual question, that would be great

The bolder approach is to tell him that you are attracted to him.

But I guess there's no harm in asking. 

How about:

"We're having so much fun hanging out! I'm picky about who I spend time with, but you passed the test [insert smiley/fun emoji]. How would you feel about going out as more than friends?"

Edited by Alpacalia
BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

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Posted (edited)
2 hours ago, Red2016 said:

Im too tired right now to respond to his various messages and thoughts, but on the off chance he asks me out (or even if he doesn't), could I ask him directly, "do you think there was a connection bettween us?" Curious to see what he would say, and it can't hurt to ask😆

You can ask anything you want.

I’m curious why you are asking the guy if HE felt anything when you are unclear whether YOU felt anything. Is his answer going to sway your decision? Is he not allowed to be undecided in much the same way that you are?

My advice - if he was a decent enough guy, ask him out again. Do something fun - dating is supposed to be fun! You don’t have to decide if this is the guy you want to marry and have babies with - if you think he is a nice guy, do something fun with him and see how that goes… If you are still not feeling it, tell him that and end the texting. 

Edited by BaileyB
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Logo Established Member

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On 6/11/2022 at 10:36 PM, Red2016 said:

Because I think the date in the beginning went well.. but I was receiving zero hints that he was even remotely attracted to me. I kept wondering (does he even want to be here? or think im attractive??) and that definitely impacted my view of the date overall. Sometimes, it's more fun if the date is flirty and here, I thought there was very little flirt and so I am lost on this one.

Seems liek a genuinely good guy, funny etc... but not sure if this is a dating dynamic. 

I used to make physical “contact” with my date when I went on dates a few years ago. Now, I try not to intentionally escalate until I’m feeling more of an emotional bond. I’m not just looking for someone to be physically intimate with. I want to be emotionally intimate with them too. 
 

Sometimes I feel that some women I go out with EXPECT a kiss at the end of the first date. I’m not going to force myself to kiss someone if I need at least one more meeting with them, regardless of how many times we had been texting before we met. 

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glows Established Member

glows

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4 hours ago, Red2016 said:

We texted about our day earlier, and he says he went to lunch with a friend... apparently this is some very classy French restaurant. (Presumably a date lol!)

Anyway, he continues to text a BUNCH of things, and makes tries to flirt with an emoji here or there but again, just feeling mostly platonic vibes. Unclear where it is going.. 

Im too tired right now to respond to his various messages and thoughts, but on the off chance he asks me out (or even if he doesn't), could I ask him directly, "do you think there was a connection bettween us?" Curious to see what he would say, and it can't hurt to ask😆

-- for ppl reading this post^, I appreciate the input but if you can answer the actual question, that would be great

Does that even make sense to you? A connection goes both ways and is felt by both parties. That’s what makes it, well, a connection. You are connected. If you have to ask the answer is no. 

If going on another date is what you want to determine whether there is a potential connection then speak your mind more clearly and directly and let him know you prefer connecting in person, not texts. It seems his texts annoy you a bit.

Edited by glows
introverted1 Established Member

introverted1

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9 hours ago, Red2016 said:

but on the off chance he asks me out (or even if he doesn't), could I ask him directly, "do you think there was a connection bettween us?"

I think you are using "connection" to mean "attraction."

You first need to figure out if YOU were attracted.  It doesn't make any difference whether he is if you aren't.

Unless you really do like him and are just putting up a front so you will save face in the event he is not interested.

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BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

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I think she is not sure whether she is attracted to him or not… She seems to be trying to talk herself of into it. Which is likely why she wants to ask the question. She may be more interested and more willing to go on another date if she knew that he was attracted to her. 

stillafool Established Member

stillafool

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On 6/11/2022 at 10:36 PM, Red2016 said:

.. but I was receiving zero hints that he was even remotely attracted to me. I kept wondering (does he even want to be here? or think im attractive??) and that definitely impacted my view of the date overall.

 

On 6/11/2022 at 10:27 PM, Red2016 said:

... but just NOT sure if he is even physically attracted to me. Maybe he is unsure. idk

Why do you keep questionin this?  Of course he's attracted to you or he wouldn't have asked to see you.  Guys don't  try to spend time with women they aren't attracted to.  Were you attracted to him?  Were you flirty with him?

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Red2016 Established Member

Red2016

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the guy and I are still texting, like he keeps sending me random memes, funny things from his day etc, just as he has before our recent coffee date.

In this time, he has volunteered that he is free on Friday as his boss is away for the weekend,  among other things (although I am not sure if that is a sign that he is waiting to be asked out by me! haha).. I am on the fence enough to not ask him out yet. 

We are continuing to text back and forth, sort of in this platonic manner and one of two things are happening here::
1. He isn't sure how I feel about it so hasnt asked me out

2. He isnt sure how he feels about me so is also being indecisive. 

Not sure what he is trying to achieve by still maintaining this text convo since our Saturday date (today is Monday). Like others have suggested: I am curious enough about him to potentially want to see him a third time, but not enough to ask him out bc I dont want to go if he is also ambivalent. 

Thanks for the continued input all! :)

Edited by Red2016
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Red2016 Established Member

Red2016

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I've written about this dating situation in a previous post but long story short here: 

1. First date was supposed to be a coffee date which became a mask/socially distanced walk because of covid symptoms (just a sore throat)

2. Second date: the actual coffee date on a weekend afternoon 

3. For third: guy asks, maybe we can get "food or a non-alcohol drink" sometime after work this week? 

I mean... I wanst sure if there was chemistry as the guy didnt make any moves or try to get close during the date. He works in science and comes off slightly awkward but not so much so that he can't hold a conversation. I am still deciding if I really like him but would consider seeing him again, since he's asked me out (pretty much all 3 times now)

The question here is: do you think he's stingy or just really cautious bc he is also not sure if he likes me etc or something else? 

I am in mid/late 20s, guy is mid 30s. 

glows Established Member

glows

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Are you caught up in the what if or liking the general attention from someone of the opposite sex? I’m not getting any sense that you’re attracted to him in the least.

Why do you accept texts from a guy like this without speaking up and mentioning you’d rather catch up in person? 

Don’t speculate so much. Just speak up and make things happen if you want to see him again and see where it takes you.

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Red2016 Established Member

Red2016

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4 hours ago, glows said:

Are you caught up in the what if or liking the general attention from someone of the opposite sex? I’m not getting any sense that you’re attracted to him in the least.

Why do you accept texts from a guy like this without speaking up and mentioning you’d rather catch up in person? 

Don’t speculate so much. Just speak up and make things happen if you want to see him again and see where it takes you.

I dont have a problem with his texts - i think it's nice that he's putting effort into keeping in touch. 

The thing is that he seems really cautious to do anything more substantial. Even for this 3rd, he asks maybe food or a drink? How many coffee/walk dates can one really do? 

not sure if that is a gauge of his interest level an/or if he is being very stingy 

Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

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7 minutes ago, Red2016 said:

 How many coffee/walk dates can one really do?  an/or if he is being very stingy 

Can you suggest treating him to food or splitting the cost? 

introverted1 Established Member

introverted1

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54 minutes ago, Red2016 said:

not sure if that is a gauge of his interest level an/or if he is being very stingy 

Nothing stopping you from countering with a suggestion of an activity you'd like to do, whilst making it clear you will pay your own way.

 

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Alpacalia Established Member

Alpacalia

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9 hours ago, Red2016 said:

I mean... I wanst sure if there was chemistry as the guy didnt make any moves or try to get close during the date.

The reason that he behaves in this way could simply be that he doesn't seem to be getting any obvious cues from you and he is playing it cautiously.

What if you asked him or started showing him that you are romantically interested? Forget about "who's supposed to do what."

Maybe he wants you to kiss him. He may have been the one who takes things first and the results were so rewarding that he is having difficulty trusting what women think about him as a person rather than as a kissing vessel? While this gentleman may be one of the best kissers you have ever encountered, what he really wants is for the relationship to be defined by equal opportunities in driving. If you are simply passively waiting around for him, are you REALLY interested in him?

Well, it may not be the time for a kiss yet for the fourth date, but let's just throw that idea out there as a possibility.

9 hours ago, Red2016 said:

The question here is: do you think he's stingy or just really cautious bc he is also not sure if he likes me etc or something else? 

What do you mean by "stingy"? What does this mean to you?

Maybe you just prefer dating someone who enjoys your company and can woo you with their charisma and romance and is more direct with their romantic interest.

 

 

Edited by Alpacalia
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BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

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9 hours ago, Red2016 said:

the guy didnt make any moves or try to get close during the date. He works in science and comes off slightly awkward

This, the suggestion that you go out for dinner/drink. I once dated a guy like this - his idea of a nice date was a nice dinner. After a while, I asked him to do something fun - we went bowling. 

Nothing saying that you can’t offer another suggestion. I’m not sure why you sit back and pass judgment on the guy when you are not taking any initiative and not showing any real interest yourself. I too think he may be taking his cues from you - and they seem to be luke warm at best. 

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glows Established Member

glows

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2 hours ago, Red2016 said:

I dont have a problem with his texts - i think it's nice that he's putting effort into keeping in touch. 

The thing is that he seems really cautious to do anything more substantial. Even for this 3rd, he asks maybe food or a drink? How many coffee/walk dates can one really do? 

not sure if that is a gauge of his interest level an/or if he is being very stingy 

Then simply suggest something else you’d like to do. It may have to do with his interest level or it may affect your interest level that he needs you to suggest something else. 

Has it occurred to you that this isn’t working out? Ie. you don’t have to keep trying to be interested in someone if you’re just not feeling it. 

BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

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11 minutes ago, glows said:

Has it occurred to you that this isn’t working out? Ie. you don’t have to keep trying to be interested in someone if you’re just not feeling it. 

This, is how I feel that this is going to go. He just isn’t meeting your expectations - 

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stillafool Established Member

stillafool

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On 6/11/2022 at 9:57 PM, Red2016 said:

neither of us made an effort to make physical contact, and even at the end of the date, it was almost like a polite goodbye between strangers.

 

On 6/11/2022 at 9:57 PM, Red2016 said:

I am confused as to whether he actually was even attracted to me on the date.

You sound like you barely even like this guy but I notice you keep complaining about his lack of physical contact and whether or not he's attracted to you.  What do you expect him to do with the energy you're putting forth?  It doesn't seem like you like him, at least he's the one asking you out.  Did you show any physical contact with him?  Did you flirt and let him know you wanted to get physical?  Maybe that wasn't even on his mind until he gets to know you better.  Women complain that men only want one thing and then when they don't go for it they complain about that too.  Like I said before if you wanted to get physical with him you should have kissed him to show him what you were interested in doing.

glows Established Member

glows

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From what I'm understanding OP he's unlike other dates you've been with and he seems awkward and maybe he perplexes you. You can't seem to get a good read on him and maybe it's the mystery of it and that he's different that keeps you talking with him. Perhaps the attention via text feels nice and it's something rather than nothing. 

You're looking for more confirmation that he's into you because other guys would have made it all too clear or been more overt. If you're so curious then be less passive around him and make a few suggestions of places you'd like to meet or things you'd like to do with him and see how responds. 

The issue is if you feel that by doing that it somehow puts you out or you're not comfortable taking a less passive role, then cut him loose. You're wasting time with a guy who's not compatible with you.

Versacehottie Established Member

Versacehottie

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On 6/12/2022 at 6:01 PM, Red2016 said:

but on the off chance he asks me out (or even if he doesn't), could I ask him directly, "do you think there was a connection bettween us?" Curious to see what he would say, and it can't hurt to ask😆

you could....but to me, it feels a bit like you are trying to force things...meaning it seems like to me that you have expectations of how things would go and how he would be expressing his interest in you that is a narrow window of what that would look like...rather than being open to seeing just how he does it and trying to get to know him. People often surprise us in many ways--in ways in which they don't conform to what is in your mind or how you would do it or how previous guys have done it or what you see in movies/tv.

Secondly, other than being willing to ask that question above (IMO, prematurely), it seems like you are taking a very passive stance towards all. You are looking for signs that he's interested in you rather than gauging if YOU are interested in him and acting on that. I wonder if you actually assessed truly compared to what you have in your mind of what creates a spark for you, if this guy would live up to your standards. You seem sort of lackluster about him in describing it--is that because you only feel a connection when you are SURE someone is into you? Idk, if in your shoes I would take a more proactive stance, ie knowing what you like and seeing if this guy fits the bill...that is, IMO, not boiled down to asking a question that forces the issue. Which the question above does. What is the rush? If you like him and he keeps asking you out/or accepts your invites, all is good. Right now you are not making a good case that of your own accord that you like him (sensing a touch of insecurity on your end about it). Ok good luck

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Red2016 Established Member

Red2016

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Wow, many many fantastic and thoughtful responses here.

I think ill try not to overthink so much and take it that he must at least feel something to be asking me out for the third time now. In my past relationships, Ive always overthought everything which was all not helpful at all. Going to just take it slow and see what happens. I cant say that this personality is exactly charismatic or charming per se, sometimes a bit dry... but he is genuine and strikes me as someone who is very genuine. 

thanks again all :)❤️

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glows Established Member

glows

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39 minutes ago, Red2016 said:

Wow, many many fantastic and thoughtful responses here.

I think ill try not to overthink so much and take it that he must at least feel something to be asking me out for the third time now. In my past relationships, Ive always overthought everything which was all not helpful at all. Going to just take it slow and see what happens. I cant say that this personality is exactly charismatic or charming per se, sometimes a bit dry... but he is genuine and strikes me as someone who is very genuine. 

thanks again all :)❤️

Not everyone is moved so quickly. I can’t say I like anyone by a third date but will sense there may be something there to go on. He may be a slow mover too. Good for you for giving him a try and see where it leads.

Versacehottie Established Member

Versacehottie

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1 hour ago, Red2016 said:

Wow, many many fantastic and thoughtful responses here.

I think ill try not to overthink so much and take it that he must at least feel something to be asking me out for the third time now. In my past relationships, Ive always overthought everything which was all not helpful at all. Going to just take it slow and see what happens. I cant say that this personality is exactly charismatic or charming per se, sometimes a bit dry... but he is genuine and strikes me as someone who is very genuine. 

thanks again all :)❤️

Gonna stereotype a bit...but I'd have to guess the fact that he's a scientist and probably has a tendency toward dark/dry humor (and/or maybe mostly surrounded by mainly guys and also other guys that are similar!) is what leads him to be like he is. He might be a gem in disguise 😊

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Alpacalia Established Member

Alpacalia

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Since he is a Scientist, there are so many fun date ideas you can do with him!

Oh. And if you are going to give him something down the road, bring him a moon rock with a little ♡ heart.  

Or, a Rubik's cube.

🙂🤓

Have fun on your date!!

Edited by Alpacalia
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