CLS63AMG Posted June 11, 2022 Posted June 11, 2022 Decoded - yes seafood would be great sometime if you like me after our next date. Not how I'd go about it, but thats all he meant. 1
Wiseman2 Posted June 11, 2022 Posted June 11, 2022 6 hours ago, Red2016 said: Im also going thru some conflict with friends so feeling especially sensitive to people's words and sarcasm is NOT the language I prefer. It was one date. If you are turned off by his remarks, simply move forward and tell him you're not a match. You don't know him at all so you're guessing at his "humor" and those guesses are tainted by issues with your friends. You're both still talking to and meeting others so don't put so much weight on on meeting.
bene Posted June 11, 2022 Posted June 11, 2022 (edited) It looks like a joke to me, playing on the common cliches about online dating. If there are no other things that rub you the wrong way then I wouldn’t read too much into it. It’s difficult to joke in text format because you don’t hear the tone and don’t see the facial expressions. But of course if your sense of humor is very different then you two might not be a good match. Edited June 11, 2022 by bene
introverted1 Posted June 11, 2022 Posted June 11, 2022 11 hours ago, Red2016 said: Do you think he was out of line? No. He made a joke. OTOH, perhaps you are not ready to date or this is not the guy for you, if this sort of joke will get you spinning about appropriateness. 5
Wiseman2 Posted June 11, 2022 Posted June 11, 2022 11 hours ago, Red2016 said: I (28F) went on a date with guy 2 weeks ago. Was going to go for a coffee but changed to a socially distanced walk with a mask on bc of a sore throat. i was sort of bummed that after all of this texting, he didnt ask to get lunch/dinner It seems off to a rough start. Is this the same man?:
glows Posted June 11, 2022 Posted June 11, 2022 Sounds like no filter. Some people do that to break the ice or to try to make you laugh. If you find yourself rolling your eyes more around him in person and don't share the same sense of humour, pass. At least give it a try and see how it goes. You are NOT obligated to like the guy. 3
BaileyB Posted June 11, 2022 Posted June 11, 2022 (edited) 13 hours ago, Red2016 said: but those are HIS words. What am I supposed to hear? Wouldnt you say that's a passive aggressive/tongue in cheek thing to say? I would feel the same if he said it to me in person. I would consider it a poor attempt at humour. Not all humour is good humour. Considering that you have never met the man in person, I would meet him for coffee before passing judgement on the guy. Edited June 11, 2022 by BaileyB 1
dramafreezone Posted June 11, 2022 Posted June 11, 2022 (edited) 14 hours ago, Red2016 said: I (28F) went on a date with guy 2 weeks ago. Was going to go for a coffee but changed to a socially distanced walk with a mask on bc of a sore throat. Anyway, right after, he went on a work trip and during that time we texted everyday for 2 weeks. Since we never got to have our originally planned coffee date, he asked me out to a real coffee date for this weekend so far, everything is going well.. he sounds quite attentive and genuine on text. Initially i was sort of bummed that after all of this texting, he didnt ask to get lunch/dinner, but whatever, I digress. So our coffee date is for this weekend, we set the time/place, and we are joking about our fav foods, and he asks if I like seafood, which I do, and that "it would be great to get seafood sometime, unless.. ofc, I turn out to be a serial killer, crazy etc.when we do get coffee tomorrow" all in all he has sounded really genuine, and I can tell he was maybe trying to be funny/quirky but this really threw me off. Im also going thru some conflict with friends so feeling especially sensitive to people's words and sarcasm is NOT the language I prefer. Do you think he was out of line? All throughout this time, he has sounded really nice, so I was really puzzled here. It was just a bad joke, in my opinion. This is the precise reason why it's not a good idea to joke or have entire conversations via text with potential dates. Too much room for misinterpretation. I would not over-think this. I would echo others, he seems like a jokey type so if you're going to microanalyze every comment then dating him may not be a good idea. Edited June 11, 2022 by dramafreezone 1
glows Posted June 11, 2022 Posted June 11, 2022 Not everyone reacts well to sarcasm. I once read it's the lowest form of humour. It's probably in reference to not requiring much wit in order to make a sarcastic remark, being the opposite of what one intends. You did mention you were sensitive so this feeling may wear off. I agree to give him a try. He could have been nervous. I think many guys sort of wonder what women are thinking when they agree to a date with them. The first date with an ex was a long hike and he mentioned something like that also and wondered what I thought going on a hike with a guy alone.
Author Red2016 Posted June 12, 2022 Author Posted June 12, 2022 7 hours ago, glows said: Not everyone reacts well to sarcasm. I once read it's the lowest form of humour. It's probably in reference to not requiring much wit in order to make a sarcastic remark, being the opposite of what one intends. You did mention you were sensitive so this feeling may wear off. I agree to give him a try. He could have been nervous. I think many guys sort of wonder what women are thinking when they agree to a date with them. The first date with an ex was a long hike and he mentioned something like that also and wondered what I thought going on a hike with a guy alone. Okay, so as an update, I did go on a date with the guy today. One orange flag was that we had confirmed the day prior about time/place and i did not hear from him on the day of the date, but I just went with it and when I got there, he was at the cafe, on time, as we had agreed. The actual date: First date was the socially distanced walk 2 weeks ago, and now this coffee date, where we got coffee and sat on these chairs at this nice outdoor cafe/grassy area, the beginning of the date was great, the convo flowed easily and then it got to a middle part, where I noticed he wasnt the BEST at conversation. He is a scientist and probably not the most natural conversationalist, although def not nerdy either. He was sort of on the nerdier side, but could definitely engage in thoughtful convo. There *were* lulls in convo where I felt like he would go on these long, very thought-out answers to my questions, and then instead of him asking me qs, he often filled the silence by adding FURTHER to his answer. I mean, he did ask me qs also but the BOTTOM line here is that, at times, I felt like it did drag on. MOSTLY because I could not tell if there was physical chemistry between us. The date was 3.5 hours long, and I am not sure if he was too polite to end the date despite not enojying it(?), or if he actually wanted to be there, neither of us made an effort to make physical contact, and even at the end of the date, it was almost like a polite goodbye between strangers. He does seem like quite a gentleman, and has had a decent amount of dating experience - his last relationship was a few months ago. When I got home an hour later, I just texted him to say : I had a great time! and then he replied the same, and then sent a bunch of other messages about (random topics we talked about on the date). No mention of like an outright "let's hang again!" Last time we met, he also asked me out the next day after some chit chat via text, but overall, I am confused as to whether he actually was even attracted to me on the date. At times, I just felt like maybe we were just friends or coworkers. Unclear as this has seldom happened to me.
basil67 Posted June 12, 2022 Posted June 12, 2022 Interesting that you said "I had a great time" when you've got nothing particularly positive to say about the meet up. Given your description of it, it sounds like a bust and I'd be very surprised if you hear from him again. 2
Author Red2016 Posted June 12, 2022 Author Posted June 12, 2022 (edited) 8 minutes ago, basil67 said: Interesting that you said "I had a great time" when you've got nothing particularly positive to say about the meet up. Given your description of it, it sounds like a bust and I'd be very surprised if you hear from him again. He is continuing to text me, just as he always has since our first date 2 weeks ago, he will ask me lots of things via text etc and send me interesting things/memes/quotes also etc... but just NOT sure if he is even physically attracted to me. Maybe he is unsure. idk Edited June 12, 2022 by Red2016
basil67 Posted June 12, 2022 Posted June 12, 2022 That's odd - I guess he's got low expectations for interpersonal connection. I'm still curious about you though. Why did you say you had a great time when your description of the meeting sounds like it was little better than having teeth pulled? 3
Author Red2016 Posted June 12, 2022 Author Posted June 12, 2022 1 minute ago, basil67 said: That's odd - I guess he's got low expectations for interpersonal connection. I'm still curious about you though. Why did you say you had a great time when your description of the meeting sounds like it was little better than having teeth pulled? Because I think the date in the beginning went well.. but I was receiving zero hints that he was even remotely attracted to me. I kept wondering (does he even want to be here? or think im attractive??) and that definitely impacted my view of the date overall. Sometimes, it's more fun if the date is flirty and here, I thought there was very little flirt and so I am lost on this one. Seems liek a genuinely good guy, funny etc... but not sure if this is a dating dynamic.
Alvi Posted June 12, 2022 Posted June 12, 2022 OP, I am sorry. Finding someone for a relationship is not easy. The attraction has to be mutual. But in many cases it is not, unfortunately. Well, this is what dating is all about, lol. You don't have to block this guy or anything but just keep meeting other guys.
basil67 Posted June 12, 2022 Posted June 12, 2022 1 hour ago, Red2016 said: Because I think the date in the beginning went well.. but I was receiving zero hints that he was even remotely attracted to me. I kept wondering (does he even want to be here? or think im attractive??) and that definitely impacted my view of the date overall. Sometimes, it's more fun if the date is flirty and here, I thought there was very little flirt and so I am lost on this one. Seems liek a genuinely good guy, funny etc... but not sure if this is a dating dynamic. Yes, it's always more fun if the date is flirty. And of course, flirting works both ways. Were you attracted to him? If so, did you flirt and let it be known? Could it also be that he doesn't know if you're interested in him? That said, you've written nothing to indicate you are interested. It's OK to walk away from a dud date.
glows Posted June 12, 2022 Posted June 12, 2022 3 hours ago, Red2016 said: Okay, so as an update, I did go on a date with the guy today. One orange flag was that we had confirmed the day prior about time/place and i did not hear from him on the day of the date, but I just went with it and when I got there, he was at the cafe, on time, as we had agreed. The actual date: First date was the socially distanced walk 2 weeks ago, and now this coffee date, where we got coffee and sat on these chairs at this nice outdoor cafe/grassy area, the beginning of the date was great, the convo flowed easily and then it got to a middle part, where I noticed he wasnt the BEST at conversation. He is a scientist and probably not the most natural conversationalist, although def not nerdy either. He was sort of on the nerdier side, but could definitely engage in thoughtful convo. There *were* lulls in convo where I felt like he would go on these long, very thought-out answers to my questions, and then instead of him asking me qs, he often filled the silence by adding FURTHER to his answer. I mean, he did ask me qs also but the BOTTOM line here is that, at times, I felt like it did drag on. MOSTLY because I could not tell if there was physical chemistry between us. The date was 3.5 hours long, and I am not sure if he was too polite to end the date despite not enojying it(?), or if he actually wanted to be there, neither of us made an effort to make physical contact, and even at the end of the date, it was almost like a polite goodbye between strangers. He does seem like quite a gentleman, and has had a decent amount of dating experience - his last relationship was a few months ago. When I got home an hour later, I just texted him to say : I had a great time! and then he replied the same, and then sent a bunch of other messages about (random topics we talked about on the date). No mention of like an outright "let's hang again!" Last time we met, he also asked me out the next day after some chit chat via text, but overall, I am confused as to whether he actually was even attracted to me on the date. At times, I just felt like maybe we were just friends or coworkers. Unclear as this has seldom happened to me. Remember that he’s also reading your body language. If you were leaning back or hesitant or uncomfortable in any way people respond to that. His conversation would also follow if he was nervous or trying to fill the quiet space. Do you think not feeling as physically attracted might have had something to do with all this? I wouldn’t make a thing of it if you genuinely like the guy and can see it going somewhere. I don’t like any physical contact until I know someone fairly well or feel comfortable. He may be respectful of that and gauging also from your cues. 1
Alpacalia Posted June 12, 2022 Posted June 12, 2022 (edited) 8 hours ago, Red2016 said: I mean, he did ask me qs also but the BOTTOM line here is that, at times, I felt like it did drag on. MOSTLY because I could not tell if there was physical chemistry between us. The date was 3.5 hours long, and I am not sure if he was too polite to end the date despite not enojying it(?), or if he actually wanted to be there, neither of us made an effort to make physical contact, and even at the end of the date, it was almost like a polite goodbye between strangers. He does seem like quite a gentleman, and has had a decent amount of dating experience - his last relationship was a few months ago. When I got home an hour later, I just texted him to say : I had a great time! and then he replied the same, and then sent a bunch of other messages about (random topics we talked about on the date). No mention of like an outright "let's hang again!" Last time we met, he also asked me out the next day after some chit chat via text, but overall, I am confused as to whether he actually was even attracted to me on the date. At times, I just felt like maybe we were just friends or coworkers. Unclear as this has seldom happened to me. I am still curious how that comment about serial killers fits into this situation. During a date with someone once, he rarely looked at me, could not even look me in the eye, much less make any physical gestures. It seemed he was not interested at all, but when I turned away, I caught him he gazing at me from behind, with that "look" in his eyes, so I thought, Oh, he's staring at me now. In the end, it's all up to your instincts to figure out whether he likes you but is hesitant to make a move, or whether he simply isn't interested. The chemistry between you works itself out by making you both eager to make moves. Who knows, you might actually be the person who encourages him to come out of his shell. Edited June 12, 2022 by Alpacalia
BaileyB Posted June 12, 2022 Posted June 12, 2022 9 hours ago, Red2016 said: The date was 3.5 hours long Of course there were lulls in the conversation, you tried to make conversation with a man you had never met before on a coffee date that lasted three hours. One hour for a coffee date would have been more appropriate. 9 hours ago, Red2016 said: neither of us made an effort to make physical contact, and even at the end of the date, it was almost like a polite goodbye between strangers. This was a “meet and greet” not a date. This was your opportunity to get to know a little about each other and decide if you were actually interested in going on another “date” together. Of course there is no physical contact on your coffee date - nothing lends itself to physical contact. And yes, you were saying goodbye to a stranger… you just met him, you don’t actually “know” this man. 9 hours ago, Red2016 said: Seems liek a genuinely good guy, funny etc... but not sure if this is a dating dynamic. Then ask him out. If there is something you have in common, tell him “next weekend, I was thinking of doing this… Would you be interested in doing this…. together? And then see what happens.
LeoEnki Posted June 12, 2022 Posted June 12, 2022 On 6/11/2022 at 3:05 AM, Red2016 said: he didnt ask to get lunch/dinner, but whatever, I digress. Why didnt you? As for the rest of the OP - it seems he was being sarcastic.
Author Red2016 Posted June 13, 2022 Author Posted June 13, 2022 5 hours ago, LeoEnki said: Why didnt you? As for the rest of the OP - it seems he was being sarcastic. Now that I think about it, I am not sure if I am dying to go on another date with the guy. I didnt feel super strongly about the energy, he is definitely a little on the awkward side. He continues to text me, thoughtful texts abou something he read, or follow-up from our date conversations etc... I am also responding in kind.. I might consider if he asks me on a third date but again.. not sure where this is going..
glows Posted June 13, 2022 Posted June 13, 2022 17 minutes ago, Red2016 said: Now that I think about it, I am not sure if I am dying to go on another date with the guy. I didnt feel super strongly about the energy, he is definitely a little on the awkward side. He continues to text me, thoughtful texts abou something he read, or follow-up from our date conversations etc... I am also responding in kind.. I might consider if he asks me on a third date but again.. not sure where this is going.. If you’re not feeling it let him know you’re not a match, wish him well and delete the contact. 2
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