Considering date with new guy: lots of red flags

[BaileyB]

8 hours ago, divegrl said:
 

On the positive, he is an empath. Our signs are highly compatible. Tons of chemistry. 

Lol what I am thinking? 

I’m not sure.

These are not things on which you can build an actual relationship. 

[Alvi]

[ ] If you are looking for a fling or a very short term relationship, he might be it. If that's what you are looking for. As long as your kids are not in any way shape or form involved with this guy or this situation, this might be fine. As long as you are honest and not misleading him that you are only interested in anything rather then a short term relationship that probably has an expiration date.  He is a hot mess and definitely not a long term potential. To be honest, you need to aim a lot higher. And I mean a lot. This is probably as low as you can get. [ ] 

Edited June 2, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
civility

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, divegrl said:

Nope! 

Sorry but his wanting to meet your children after only knowing you 36 hours sends flags waving at high staff.  No, just no.  

[giotto]

If your signs are highly compatible, then I would go for it... not! 

[divegrl]

Thank you everyone.

I can assure you this is real and omg you have no idea what is out there. 
 

We actually had a good conversation, pulling way back and starting over as friends. Just think we are incompatible as he needs someone to chill with 24/7 and be confused. Lol

[flitzanu]

49 minutes ago, divegrl said:

Thank you everyone.

I can assure you this is real and omg you have no idea what is out there. 
 

We actually had a good conversation, pulling way back and starting over as friends. Just think we are incompatible as he needs someone to chill with 24/7 and be confused. Lol

i mean, Red Flags and Long Nights all the way, live your life and have fun, but at least you've got some perspective on this.  keep your heart and body safe.

 

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, divegrl said:

Just think we are incompatible as he needs someone to chill with 24/7 and be confused. Lol

This is so funny. I love it.

Good to see you have a good sense of humor about it.

[Wiseman2]

On 5/31/2022 at 10:36 AM, divegrl said:

Tons of chemistry. 

If you can just have sex with zero attachment that's fine, but he shouldn't be around your kids.

[ExpatInItaly]

I would not keep this guy around even as a friend. 

Choose better people to let in your life, OP. Reinforce your filters and be more selective. 

[Alvi]

21 hours ago, divegrl said:

We actually had a good conversation, pulling way back and starting over as friends. Just think we are incompatible as he needs someone to chill with 24/7 and be confused. Lol

I would not keep this person as a friend. Just slowly fade away if he ever contacts you. But for what it worth, I think that the compatibility is the most important thing when it comes to dating. Mad hot chemistry is great but it is not everything. There has to be a lot more. If the attraction is the only component without anything else, it is simply not going to work out in a long run. 

Also, thinking about this some more, I wonder if this guy wanted to use you. It might be out of there but I would not be surprised to if a guy simply needed a free place to stay for a while. And free food as well. Otherwise, why would he want to meet your kids ASAP? He could be after your money. You don't have to be super rich or anything but just have a bit more than he has. It is very possible that he was mirroring your interests and you mistook it for the chemistry. No wonder he was filling your head with hogwash things like your astrological signs. For example, if you say that your favorite color is purple, he says "What a coincidence, my favorite color is purple too. We must be soulmates!" If you like to eat raw onions, he likes to eat raw onions too. You love skydiving, he all of the sudden loves skydiving as well, I know, this is all could be very confusing, but these scam artists know how to make a woman fall for them. They know which buttons to push and which emotions to explore. Don't discount this theory and be on a look out for this type of behavior from the men. I had one guy talking to me once. He apparently was living out in his car after a divorce. But the love letter that he was writing to me were really something. Long stories about how much he would love having me in his life. He was telling me how much he wanted to start a relationship with me and to marry me. I asked him, where he wanted to live with me. But of course, he was ready to move in my place as soon as possible, lol. Had I not been that jaded, I can see myself falling for him. He was that good with his words. And not a bad looking either, according to his pics.

[divegrl]

Thank you for you comments! 
 

So this guy is not looking for money. He has a house and assets. We have mutual friends and yeah there is nothing shady there.

 

He could definitely be using me for sex which we have not done… but yeah if anything it’s for sex lol. 

[glows]

3 minutes ago, divegrl said:

Thank you for you comments! 
 

So this guy is not looking for money. He has a house and assets. We have mutual friends and yeah there is nothing shady there.

 

He could definitely be using me for sex which we have not done… but yeah if anything it’s for sex lol. 

I'd just focus on keeping him away from your kids. He can go chill somewhere else.

[divegrl]

You guys…. I brought up the signs. Haha. I know I know. And he is definitely a soulmate (one of many that I have met). 
 

It just started out as a night of flirting, which is normal for me, but then I met him. He beguiles me, disarms me. If he hadn’t there would not have made a thread!

 

He says we owe to ourselves pursue this connection, but I am not in point in my life where I can run off and have crazy love affairs with unstable men. Smh. 

[divegrl]

So just to update. He has kept pursuing me and I keep saying no. Now he is just upset and disappointed. 
All we have done over the past couple of days is argue so it’s not even cool anymore. Hopefully this will all fall away.

[glows]

Just now, divegrl said:

So just to update. He has kept pursuing me and I keep saying no. Now he is just upset and disappointed. 
All we have done over the past couple of days is argue so it’s not even cool anymore. Hopefully this will all fall away.

Good idea. Let it fall away. 

Keeping in contact with someone who guilt trips you is manipulative on his part. Wish him well. By the way, if you're thinking that this person is a friend in any way or that you owe him a friendship, I'd reconsider. He's no friend if he's pushing boundaries with your kids or involved with substances. You already know someone like that may be compromised. Just let him go.

[Wiseman2]

27 minutes ago, divegrl said:

So just to update. He has kept pursuing me and I keep saying no. Now he is just upset and disappointed. 
All we have done over the past couple of days is argue so it’s not even cool anymore. Hopefully this will all fall away.

So he showed his true colors (in addition to red flags). Put him in the turd pile Tell him it's not working, then delete and block him. 

[ExpatInItaly]

On 6/3/2022 at 7:42 PM, divegrl said:

Hopefully this will all fall away.

What do you mean, hopefully? You are not passive bystander here. You can take control of this. 

If you truly want it to fall away, then cut him off.  Block all contact. Easy, done. Because unless you do that, it will be clear to him that you don't actually want him to disappear. 

Edited June 8, 2022 by ExpatInItaly

[divegrl]

Hi friends!

Thank you for posting. This man and I still message and that is it. He is no longer pursuing me. 
 

I went on a couple of dates with another guy with no flags this past week. And he says he went on dates with a couple of girls too. 
 

I am proud of myself for noticing the flags and not giving into the chemistry and connection that has led to bad relationships in the past

[Wiseman2]

Just now, divegrl said:

This man and I still message and that is it. He is no longer pursuing me. 

Block him. No point having background noise from him.

[poppyfields]

4 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Because unless you do that, it will be clear to him that you don't actually want him to disappear. 

I don't believe OP does want him to disappear.  OP you have made that abundantly clear despite your words. 

The chemistry is simply too intoxicating, which I totally understand. 

Logically yes, emotionally no.  And emotions win out every time, or at least most of the time in my experience and from what I've witnessed both on forums like this and in real. 

Like everything else pertaining to human relations and life, you're just gonna have to play it out.  

If it doesn't work out, which 99% of situations like this don't, then you learn from it. 

Grow evolve.

I've made a vow to myself that going forward on forums like this, I'm going to listen more, opine less.

It's futile to do otherwise, people are going to do what they want to do.

We're here for them if/when it all falls apart.

Good luck. 

Edited June 8, 2022 by poppyfields

[glows]

Do you enjoy his attention? Or does he ask about your dating life? 

What’s the purpose of staying in touch?

[ExpatInItaly]

44 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I don't believe OP does want him to disappear. 

Well, yes. My statement was rhetorical in nature. 

 

[divegrl]

Yes!!! Obviously I would love for it to work out with him. But it’s just not possible, we are not compatible right now. Even though we are both very attracted and he disarms me. 
 

I think because I have done so much dating, I am able to play the story to the end without having experienced it. This guy reminds me exactly of an ex who shattered my heart…. You can read all about it on the coping/break up section…. So yes I have learned and grown!!!

 

Completely agree that emotions overtake logic, but I think there is line for me at physical intimacy. If I had been intimate with this man, my emotions would be completely overwhelming and all consuming. But I drew that line to protect me and have awareness of thoughts and emotions. 
 

Anyways thank you for “seeing” this from a logical perspective!!!

[glows]

It doesn't bother me whether you stay in contact with him or not. It's your choice. Just know what you're dealing with. After what you said about the way he is with your children and his use of substances the greatest concern would be that of your kids. 

Continuing to talk with him may be revisiting or taking a trip down memory lane with your ex and regaining some control (whereas you felt powerless before).

[Alpacalia]

If you give in to the mindset that emotions control your decisions and that you are unable to make good ones, then you are doing yourself a disservice. That's where emotional control comes into the picture and yes, it is possible for you to exercise it to the fullest extent. Learn to put your intelligence ahead of your emotions. 

Already, you've shown some signs of being able to exercise it.

Just your judgment is a little fuzzy right now.

Do not fall victim to your mind's tricks. Mentally, you can decide to end it. 

If you felt better, you wouldn't settle for this jerk.

You’d demand more for yourself because you deserve it.