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Considering date with new guy: lots of red flags

divegrl

By divegrl
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divegrl Established Member

divegrl

Posted
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Hi all,

I am just sort of writing this out as a place for my thoughts. Met a new guy and he has so many red flags to me. 
 

He is only separated, his divorce is not final. He does not want a relationship, but might consider one. He is impulsive and really does not understand boundaries with my kids. He does certain controlled substances. 
 

On the positive, he is an empath. Our signs are highly compatible. Tons of chemistry. 
 

Lol what I am thinking? 

ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

Posted
Posted (edited)
4 minutes ago, divegrl said:

He is only separated, his divorce is not final. He does not want a relationship, but might consider one. He is impulsive and really does not understand boundaries with my kids. He does certain controlled substances
 

Lol what I am thinking? 

Think of your kids if your own judgment isn't so great. 

Why would you put yourself in the position of dating someone you describe this way, especially with regards to your kids? This would be a no-brainer for me. Dude would be immediately discarded. I wouldn't let this person in my life, and certainly nowhere near my kids. 

Being an empath with a compatible zodiac sign is meaningless when it comes to the well-being of your children. You need to put them first. 

Edited by ExpatInItaly
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Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

Posted
Posted
34 minutes ago, divegrl said:

Met a new guy and he has so many red flags to me. He is only separated, his divorce is not final. He does not want a relationship, but might consider one. He is impulsive and really does not understand boundaries with my kids.

Good you recognize all these red flags. Don't let him near your children.

  • Like 4
introverted1 Established Member

introverted1

Posted
Posted

I am genuinely curious:  if you can see "lots of red flags," what is prompting you to even consider this guy?  What response are you hoping for from us?

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glows Established Member

glows

Posted
Posted
51 minutes ago, divegrl said:

Hi all,

I am just sort of writing this out as a place for my thoughts. Met a new guy and he has so many red flags to me. 
 

He is only separated, his divorce is not final. He does not want a relationship, but might consider one. He is impulsive and really does not understand boundaries with my kids. He does certain controlled substances. 
 

On the positive, he is an empath. Our signs are highly compatible. Tons of chemistry. 
 

Lol what I am thinking? 

Don't mistake confused (in turmoil) and going through personal issues for empathic, OP. If he's only separated it means his marriage isn't over and any legal issues haven't been finalized. If he appears empathetic he's also bending or blurring the lines in the process while presenting himself as ready to date when he is not. It's not to say that dating while separated isn't impossible or successful but read between the lines. 

Protect your kids and think of them. Why would you expose your children to someone who's consuming drugs or substances, impulsive and who "doesn't want" a relationship with their mother? Aim higher please.

  • Like 1
Happy Lemming Established Member

Happy Lemming

Posted
Posted

Sounds like you are trying to force a round peg into a square hole...

Toss him back and keep searching.

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divegrl Established Member

divegrl

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Posted
1 hour ago, introverted1 said:

I am genuinely curious:  if you can see "lots of red flags," what is prompting you to even consider this guy?  What response are you hoping for from us?

Yes lol. This post was mostly just for me to write out the huge issues with this guy. Writing helps me process thoughts and it’s even better when the community is like yeah red flags everywhere!

 

Thank you for your response 🥰

Alpacalia Established Member

Alpacalia

Posted
Posted
2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Being an empath with a compatible zodiac sign is meaningless when it comes to the well-being of your children. You need to put them first. 

Really OP.

I assume you're just joking with this.

Doesn't understand boundaries with your children?

You're smarter than this.

Don't let men like this around your children.

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divegrl Established Member

divegrl

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Posted
1 hour ago, glows said:

Don't mistake confused (in turmoil) and going through personal issues for empathic, OP. If he's only separated it means his marriage isn't over and any legal issues haven't been finalized. If he appears empathetic he's also bending or blurring the lines in the process while presenting himself as ready to date when he is not. It's not to say that dating while separated isn't impossible or successful but read between the lines. 

Protect your kids and think of them. Why would you expose your children to someone who's consuming drugs or substances, impulsive and who "doesn't want" a relationship with their mother? Aim higher please.

Yes lol. Thank you for writing this, just reading it back… Of course this guy is no good for me! Just the validation helps me move onto the next. 
 

thank you!

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divegrl Established Member

divegrl

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1 minute ago, Alpacalia said:

Really OP.

I assume you're just joking with this.

Doesn't understand boundaries with your children?

You're smarter than this.

Don't let men like this around your children.

Right it’s been a fun time (the kids have obviously not been here) but time to move back into reality and a supportive relationship. Thank you!

  • Thanks 1
Calmandfocused Established Member

Calmandfocused

Posted
Posted

Yesterday my children mentioned the name of my ex (not their father) who put us all through the wringer with his “red flags”. This ex hasn’t been around for years but still; my blood ran cold! 
 

Even though I was dating my ex for a year before he met my children, I wish I’d made a different decision. But I can’t. You can! 
 

Don’t be me.

Don’t let him anywhere near your children.

Don’t let him anywhere near you. 

  • Like 2
Kamille Established Member

Kamille

Posted
Posted

I’m an empath and right now my empathetic senses are screaming run away!

Smart dating is a muscle. View this as a way to train yourself out of making poor choices. The more you do it, the easier it becomes and the less you will be tempted by men who only bring drama.

  • Like 3
glows Established Member

glows

Posted
Posted
15 minutes ago, divegrl said:

Yes lol. Thank you for writing this, just reading it back… Of course this guy is no good for me! Just the validation helps me move onto the next. 
 

thank you!

Yes, move on. And please be wary of any cajoling or trying to have you stay. You have more to offer than he does and you're mismatched. 

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ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

Posted
Posted
14 minutes ago, divegrl said:

Right it’s been a fun time (the kids have obviously not been here) 

So what are these boundaries he doesn't understand with your kids?

Is he pushing to meet them already, or..?

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smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

Posted
Posted

Don't confuse with what's happening in your loins as a compatible match. Lust brings a lack of common sense. 

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flitzanu Established Member

flitzanu

Posted
Posted

so you're asking if you should date a married man who does not want to have a relationship with you, has possible drug addictions and poor boundaries?

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divegrl Established Member

divegrl

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1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

So what are these boundaries he doesn't understand with your kids?

Is he pushing to meet them already, or..?

Yes! After knowing me for 36 hours he wanted to meet my kids! And spend the whole day together.  He obviously does not have kids and I def did not let him!!!!! It’s crazy I know. 

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divegrl Established Member

divegrl

Posted
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1 hour ago, glows said:

Yes, move on. And please be wary of any cajoling or trying to have you stay. You have more to offer than he does and you're mismatched. 

Thank you, yeah I immediately shut him down once I found out the divorce was not final. The amount of persuasion he has given me is unreal. It just technicalities, blah blah blah. 
 

And since then I have learned all the other stuff. He is very aggressive. If it keeps going I am going to block! Smh 

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divegrl Established Member

divegrl

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34 minutes ago, flitzanu said:

so you're asking if you should date a married man who does not want to have a relationship with you, has possible drug addictions and poor boundaries?

I’m dead 😵 

  • Like 2
ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

Posted
Posted
7 minutes ago, divegrl said:

He is very aggressive. If it keeps going I am going to block!

What is the reason you're not already blocking this strange man?

 

  • Like 3
Alpacalia Established Member

Alpacalia

Posted
Posted (edited)
2 hours ago, divegrl said:

Right it’s been a fun time (the kids have obviously not been here) but time to move back into reality and a supportive relationship. Thank you!

Good to hear!

I'm sure a man that bases his attraction on a zodiac match would make a fine partner but wanting to meet your kids so soon? Just, no.

Next you know he'll be wanting to get married after 2-3 months. 😂

Edited by Alpacalia
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Weezy1973 Established Member

Weezy1973

Posted
Posted (edited)
6 hours ago, divegrl said:

Tons of chemistry. 
 

Lol what I am thinking? 

You know [how it's suggested] men think with their penis? This is the woman’s equivalent.

 

And yet another example of why initial chemistry is so meaningless if one is looking for a long term relationship. 

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
tone
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stillafool Established Member

stillafool

Posted
Posted
3 hours ago, divegrl said:

Yes! After knowing me for 36 hours he wanted to meet my kids!

Does he have kids?

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divegrl Established Member

divegrl

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20 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Does he have kids?

Nope! 

While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!
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