Men pulling away after sex

[basil67]

Just now, Runninggirl said:

No sure what to do now, should I pull back and now reach out and hope that after he gets some space he will reach out, or continue text him casually and see if he responds?  

Ok, so this guy is repeatedly disappearing from your life.  So a bigger question is "Why would you continue with a guy who's actions are at best confusing and at worst uncaring?"

Looking at this, the old adage "treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen" seems to have some basis in truth.

[giotto]

Well, it looks like he’s found an alternative to you. I don’t see any other explanation. 

[glows]

29 minutes ago, Runninggirl said:

So after saturday he contacted me every day until wednesday. On thursday early morning I sent him something and he didnt reply. I tried to back off a bit, but he never reached out that day. I never heard from him on friday either and it killed out snapchat streak. I left him alone all saturday too, he was even in town because its his mothers birthday, so he has been here all weekend at home. He's been on his phone a lot, but never texted me. This saturday evening I caved and sent him a light picture of icecream and netflix, with just "just staying in tonight", and he actually replied "same" with a selfie. But then I replied and he just left m on read. His reply just seemed like there was no problem, he seemed light and fine, which I find strange after barely talking and then three days of no contact. 

Last week he was literally texting me 50 messages per day. 

No sure what to do now, should I pull back and now reach out and hope that after he gets some space he will reach out, or continue text him casually and see if he responds?  

It's very low interest if he's not contacting you or communication is sporadic and you can't figure out why. 

I wouldn't continue texting or sending any images to someone like this. He needs to step up his game if he wants any further contact with you.

[poppyfields]

47 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Looking at this, the old adage "treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen" seems to have some basis in truth.

Yes it does, I've seen it too many times to deny its truth. 

So to @Runninggirlnow that you know he's a man who after getting close, needs to distance, come close/go away, rinse/repeat, you have a choice to make.  

You either accept this about him, or you wish him well and say goodbye. 

This is who he is and as Maya Angelou has said, "when people show you who they are, believe them the first time."

It doesn't necessarily mean he's low interest, in fact it could be the opposite actually, he's uncomfortable with the vulnerability he feels when getting close and needs to distance.  Push/pull, come close/go away. 

It's all speculation however one thing is clear, he's not changing, at least not with you or for you, so it's either accept it and be happy with what he can and does give, or reject and find a man who is a better fit for you in this regard. 

It really is that simple.  Not easy to do if you choose to leave, but simple in its truth. 

Good luck whatever you decide. 

. 

 

Edited June 4, 2022 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, Runninggirl said:

Last week he was literally texting me 50 messages per day. 

This is telling.  It appears he's a man of extremes.  When he comes close, it's way too much, too extreme.  Then when it becomes too much, he needs to distance himself to the extreme. 

50 messages a day is way too much!  Lord, that would exhaust me personally.

It's no wonder he needs to distance.  Not your problem but he needs to learn balance and perhaps after getting close, he wouldn't need to distant himself so much afterwards.

 

 

 

Edited June 4, 2022 by poppyfields

[Happy Lemming]

58 minutes ago, Runninggirl said:

This saturday evening I caved and sent him a light picture of icecream and netflix, with just "just staying in tonight", and he actually replied "same" with a selfie. But then I replied and he just left m on read.

 

Could anything have happened in his life that could cause sadness or depression (that he didn't share with you)??

Did he mention any relatives being sick??  Or maybe a pet??

You said he is moving in July, do you think he is sad about the move??  That he would prefer to stay in his present location??

1 hour ago, Runninggirl said:

Last week he was literally texting me 50 messages per day.

To go from 50 messages a day to this, just seems like there is some external factor or problem (not related to you).

[introverted1]

Do you two ever go on actual dates or do you just get together for sex?

[Alpacalia]

You can't know for sure why he is withdrawing from you post coitus.

One reason, and I'm keeping it real with you, is that he isn't really into you anymore, and that he is losing interest in you.

He's thinking, "you know, this probably isn't for me," and that's okay.

Probably for this reason, you'll notice he pulls away from your relationship earlier in the relationship.

His other reason is less clear, he's contemplating committing at a higher level to you.

He's contemplating "is this something I want to pursue further?" "Do I want to be exclusively hers?" He's asking himself several questions. "Am I willing to give up other opportunities I have in order for this relationship to work out?" "Do I have what it takes to be happy with her?"

Or to put it another way, will I be able to satisfy what she wants?

It used to be that he sent out over 50 messages a day?

Well, that's a lot, and it's just not sustainable.

You need to pay attention to how he handles this situation.

Often, people get so caught up in getting back to the other person's normal energy levels that we forget to assess.

Well, that depends on how he is showing up right now, doesn't it? How is he communicating when he's stressed?

Whenever he is uncertain, how does he communicate with you? How is he showing up in this moment? Because guess what? If you're on the lookout for a partner, you want someone who knows how to manage stressful situations with ease and grace, irrespective of the situation.

Second, I suggest you ease up on the snapchats. Not just with him, but in future relationships. 

Do you call each other? How often do you call each other? Do you get on dates with each other? 

 

Edited June 5, 2022 by Alpacalia

[Amanda92]

Just tell him that you are looking for a relationship, not something casual and walk away.

[Runninggirl]

18 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

Could anything have happened in his life that could cause sadness or depression (that he didn't share with you)??

Did he mention any relatives being sick??  Or maybe a pet??

You said he is moving in July, do you think he is sad about the move??  That he would prefer to stay in his present location??

To go from 50 messages a day to this, just seems like there is some external factor or problem (not related to you).

Dosent seem like anything is wrong, it seems like he's texting everyone else more and just me less. He seemed upbeat and "normal" when I texted him yesterday, he just doesn't invest at all. He's not ignoring, just low interest. 

He's very happy with the move, he wasn't very happy at his current job and current place, and he always wanted to come here but its a smaller place and less opportunities. He seemed thrilled actually. 

16 hours ago, introverted1 said:

Do you two ever go on actual dates or do you just get together for sex?

Yes we do, and when we meet up more casually and dont have sex and I leave him "wanting more" he doesn't get this down period it seems. 

15 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

You can't know for sure why he is withdrawing from you post coitus.

One reason, and I'm keeping it real with you, is that he isn't really into you anymore, and that he is losing interest in you.

He's thinking, "you know, this probably isn't for me," and that's okay.

Probably for this reason, you'll notice he pulls away from your relationship earlier in the relationship.

His other reason is less clear, he's contemplating committing at a higher level to you.

He's contemplating "is this something I want to pursue further?" "Do I want to be exclusively hers?" He's asking himself several questions. "Am I willing to give up other opportunities I have in order for this relationship to work out?" "Do I have what it takes to be happy with her?"

Or to put it another way, will I be able to satisfy what she wants?

It used to be that he sent out over 50 messages a day?

Well, that's a lot, and it's just not sustainable.

You need to pay attention to how he handles this situation.

Often, people get so caught up in getting back to the other person's normal energy levels that we forget to assess.

Well, that depends on how he is showing up right now, doesn't it? How is he communicating when he's stressed?

Whenever he is uncertain, how does he communicate with you? How is he showing up in this moment? Because guess what? If you're on the lookout for a partner, you want someone who knows how to manage stressful situations with ease and grace, irrespective of the situation.

Second, I suggest you ease up on the snapchats. Not just with him, but in future relationships. 

Do you call each other? How often do you call each other? Do you get on dates with each other? 

 

We dont really talk on the phone, Ive suggested it but he seems a bit uncomfortable with phone calls except we call when we are about to meet up. 

 

I still understand nothing, I haven't heard anything from him today - again. (I haven't texted either). I dont know if Im just being used for sex, if he's loosing interest (just seem so abrupt). But today I thought that maybe this could be the case, and Id love input from you all:

Could it be that when there's been a long time he can flirt, text, invest without feeling the "consequences", and that when we meet up and have sex, its always very extreme. He's very very cuddly, and it feels very serious. And that he has feelings, but perhaps not enough, so when we've had sex and there's nothing to chase, he calms down, but doesn't invest more because he is undecided on what he wants, and by pulling away he feels he buys himself a little bit more time. That because we have sex and I give him a lot of validation physically, he's not worried about me going anywhere, he's comfortable to stop the train and doesn't have the motivation as before. As if by having sex and showing so much interest gives me legitimate expectations, which he feels he would confirm by continuing like he did? 

In short: He pulls away because he doesn't know what he wants, and he feels like continuing like before after sex would be taking it to a more serious level? 

Edited June 5, 2022 by Runninggirl

[poppyfields]

18 minutes ago, Runninggirl said:

Could it be that when there's been a long time he can flirt, text, invest without feeling the "consequences", and that when we meet up and have sex, its always very extreme. He's very very cuddly, and it feels very serious. 

Did you read my post about just that?  Him being a man of two extremes?  

Closeness and distance?  

Many people are like this (both men and women) and it makes having a relationship with them very confusing and difficult.

It also has the effect of keeping their partners off balance and hooked in.  

And they know it. 

Edited June 5, 2022 by poppyfields

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Runninggirl said:

He's very happy with the move, he wasn't very happy at his current job and current place, and he always wanted to come here but its a smaller place and less opportunities. He seemed thrilled actually. I haven't heard anything from him today - again. (I haven't texted either).

Exactly. Pull back until he has actually moved there, gets settled in the job, place etc. Until then he's going to be busy with locals and relocating. You can't change him or his circumstances or personality but you can start not overinvesting this much.

[Happy Lemming]

2 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

he just doesn't invest at all. He's not ignoring, just low interest. 

 

I do remember dating one woman that did A LOT of texting...  it seemed important to her so I tried to keep up, but couldn't.  At the time I had an older flip phone and had to T9 text, which is quite slow.

So when she would text me, I would e-mail her back using a my desktop keyboard (work and home).  It wasn't a perfect solution, but I was trying. 

At this point, it doesn't seem like he is trying.

Do you want to make one last attempt and tell him that you like/prefer regular communication/texts??

[Alpacalia]

4 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

We dont really talk on the phone, Ive suggested it but he seems a bit uncomfortable with phone calls except we call when we are about to meet up. 

 

I still understand nothing, I haven't heard anything from him today - again. (I haven't texted either). I dont know if Im just being used for sex, if he's loosing interest (just seem so abrupt). But today I thought that maybe this could be the case, and Id love input from you all:

Could it be that when there's been a long time he can flirt, text, invest without feeling the "consequences", and that when we meet up and have sex, its always very extreme. He's very very cuddly, and it feels very serious. And that he has feelings, but perhaps not enough, so when we've had sex and there's nothing to chase, he calms down, but doesn't invest more because he is undecided on what he wants, and by pulling away he feels he buys himself a little bit more time. That because we have sex and I give him a lot of validation physically, he's not worried about me going anywhere, he's comfortable to stop the train and doesn't have the motivation as before. As if by having sex and showing so much interest gives me legitimate expectations, which he feels he would confirm by continuing like he did? 

In short: He pulls away because he doesn't know what he wants, and he feels like continuing like before after sex would be taking it to a more serious level? 

There is an old saying that goes like this.

Do not focus on the actions of men before you have sex.

What matters is how they act after experiencing sex with you.

[basil67]

4 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

...invest without feeling the "consequences"...

What 'consequences' are you referring to?

[stillafool]

4 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

Could it be that when there's been a long time he can flirt, text, invest without feeling the "consequences", and that when we meet up and have sex, its always very extreme. He's very very cuddly, and it feels very serious. 

This could just be the way he makes love to women, not because he doesn't know what he wants.  He would tell you if he wanted more.  I wouldn't  be surprised if he's stop communicating as often because he's now talking to someone else.

And that he has feelings, but perhaps not enough, so when we've had sex and there's nothing to chase, he calms down, but doesn't invest more because he is undecided on what he wants, and by pulling away he feels he buys himself a little bit more time.

That because we have sex and I give him a lot of validation physically, he's not worried about me going anywhere, he's comfortable to stop the train and doesn't have the motivation as before. As if by having sex and showing so much interest gives me legitimate expectations, which he feels he would confirm by continuing like he did? 

If you feel that he pulls away after sex why do you continue to have it with him?  You've seen him 4 times and 3 times you've had sex and he pulls away.  Why continue with that?  Sex is definitely not going to make him fall for you.  Afterall, you do have expectations after sex, you expect to hear from him.  He doesn't need to hear from you until he's in need again, which is a problem for you.  

[divegrl]

Ugh, after reading this all again it sounds like there is someone else he is giving his  attention to. 
 

I can’t remember, are you exclusively dating him?  If it were me, I would talk to him about the status of your relationship, how he feels and what he wants. 
 

You don’t seem very happy OP.  And regardless of “why” he is doing this, you are still faced with the same emotions of anxiety and confusion. 
 

Wishing you the best. 

[giotto]

14 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

I dont know if Im just being used for sex

I'm a man and I know how a man's brain works...  He is using you for sex. As I said before, when he wants some, all of a sudden he becomes interested in you. And then his level of interest returns almost to zero. He does enough to keep you around for his next session. 

[Runninggirl]

13 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Did you read my post about just that?  Him being a man of two extremes?  

Closeness and distance?  

Yes! And it fits the warm and cold pattern. However, I dont feel like he has been extremely warm all the time, I feel like he would get closer every time he gets back. In the beginning it wasn't as warm before we had sex as it was this time, he seemed way more comfortable. Which is why I trusted him again, I thought it would be different this time. 

12 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Exactly. Pull back until he has actually moved there, gets settled in the job, place etc. Until then he's going to be busy with locals and relocating. You can't change him or his circumstances or personality but you can start not overinvesting this much.

I have stopped reaching out now. Im curious to whether I will hear from him again. Thats the stupidest part. I know he comes back every time, still I feel completely abandoned every time, and I walk around with fear Ill never hear from him again. Whatever the reason is, its disrespectful to me. 

9 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

There is an old saying that goes like this.

Do not focus on the actions of men before you have sex.

What matters is how they act after experiencing sex with you.

I just dont believe men are that simple that the actions before sex means nothing because all they want is sex. Everything can't be deception. For a night, yes maybe, but for weeks and months? 

9 hours ago, basil67 said:

What 'consequences' are you referring to?

Consequenses as in he needs to make a decision on whether to pursue me more serious, commit to a relationship etc. Maybe he feels like sex makes us get to the finish line and he needs to decide whether to walk over, there's no more just enjoy the race as it comes. Its not true obviously, but he could feel like that. 

8 hours ago, stillafool said:

If you feel that he pulls away after sex why do you continue to have it with him?  You've seen him 4 times and 3 times you've had sex and he pulls away.  Why continue with that?  Sex is definitely not going to make him fall for you.  Afterall, you do have expectations after sex, you expect to hear from him.  He doesn't need to hear from you until he's in need again, which is a problem for you.  

Because he got so close again, felt like we had never had it better, felt like things were moving along. I didn't think he would pull back this time. And this has been the strongest pull back as well. He hasn't initiated any contact since wednesday, today it's monday... I haven't contacted him since saturday. 

 

2 hours ago, giotto said:

I'm a man and I know how a man's brain works...  He is using you for sex. As I said before, when he wants some, all of a sudden he becomes interested in you. And then his level of interest returns almost to zero. He does enough to keep you around for his next session. 

If men go all that way just to get sex it blows my mind. Even when he was at my place knowing he would get sex, right before we went to bed, he even made a comment that he would love to live here, that he could move in.   

8 hours ago, divegrl said:

Ugh, after reading this all again it sounds like there is someone else he is giving his  attention to. 
 

I can’t remember, are you exclusively dating him?  If it were me, I would talk to him about the status of your relationship, how he feels and what he wants. 
 

You don’t seem very happy OP.  And regardless of “why” he is doing this, you are still faced with the same emotions of anxiety and confusion. 
 

Wishing you the best. 

Ive thought so too, but doesn't make sense. I have him on snap map and he's literally just been home, on his phone, and we're friends on steam and he's just been online gaming for the past three days (all weekend). He wouldn't have had the time to see someone else in between. If he started chatting with someone new its pretty lucky timing if that started right when we slept together. 

4 hours ago, S2B said:

I agree, I’d bet money he’s seeing someone else on those days when he’s quiet. You said when he’s on a date with you he doesn’t use his phone - then checks it the next morning. 
so when you aren’t hearing from him - he’s with another woman - then responds to you the next morning.

I hope you used protection since it appears he’s dating others. 

have you been to HIS place? Please answer this one.

In all honesty - I’d go most of this week without texting him at all. No Snapchat’s either! Make him work harder to want to see you. he doesn’t make you his top priority - get busy letting him know he isn’t your top priority too.

no more silly pictures of ice cream - and him thinking you are at home. Let him think you are way way too busy to text him!

he has no reason to step up his lack of game - he knows you’re waiting around for him to contact you.

start dating other guys. This guy lacks a lot of things.

But he's very much online, so its impossible that he's been with someone else. I dont think he's meeting others, but I dont know if he's trying too. 

Ive never been to his place, but he took to his parents house a while back which is in the middle of us and usually where he stays when he's closer. I dont know if he's told his friends about us, but his parents know about me, which made me think he was serious. 

My gameplan right now is just to let him be. Which is awkward because its so obvious we're just not talking. We're best friends on snapchat, so its obviously weird that we have no contact at all. Just waiting for it to go away. Ive read a lot about breakups after my last break up, and my plan is to simply go no contact. If he avoids me because he's not into me I won't hear from him, if he avoids me because he's scared of it going too fast he'll come back. I hope  

In the meantime I need to do something about the feeling of being used and thrown away. Im gonna try to do a lot of fun things the next few weeks to distract myself, and also so he knows that I can have fun without him  Hopefully he will get a little fomo

[Alpacalia]

50 minutes ago, Runninggirl said:

I just dont believe men are that simple that the actions before sex means nothing because all they want is sex. Everything can't be deception. For a night, yes maybe, but for weeks and months? 

My point is not that their actions beforehand are insignificant. What I am saying is that you need to turn your attention from how he used to act toward you to how he is now acting towards you. Because part of what you are attached to are those moments that lead up to everything else.

It is more than a couple of date nights. Is it 2-3 months since you and the other person started dating? And it was something intimate that you shared.

Focus forward. Look at all the opportunities you have in your life and all the things you have to look forward to. Perhaps it's creating a space for you to be able to do things your way, to be able to let someone in that is going to prioritize you, provide you with what you need, and will pour into you. 

[giotto]

1 hour ago, Runninggirl said:

If men go all that way just to get sex it blows my mind. Even when he was at my place knowing he would get sex, right before we went to bed, he even made a comment that he would love to live here, that he could move in.   

I don't think there is much manipulation there. It's just the way men are wired. I'm sure he wants to see you, occasionally, when he feels the need to be close to you - and also have sex with you. And I'm sure he would like to move there, but I'm afraid his actions speak louder than his words. You are just a nice person he likes to spend time with occasionally and have sex with when he feels like. If that's not enough for you, you should have a conversation with him and break up if he doesn't want to put more effort in the relationship. You are a friend (and not a very close one) with benefits for him. I hope I'm not sounding too harsh!

Edited June 6, 2022 by giotto

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Runninggirl said:

I

1 hour ago, Runninggirl said:

He hasn't initiated any contact since wednesday, today it's monday... I haven't contacted him since saturday. 

I have stopped reaching out now. Im curious to whether I will hear from him again.

That was only the day before yesterday.  Why did you contact him on Saturday?

Edited June 6, 2022 by stillafool

[introverted1]

On 6/4/2022 at 9:23 PM, introverted1 said:

Do you two ever go on actual dates or do you just get together for sex?

 

17 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

Yes we do,

What does a date look like?  Does he ask you in advance to do a specific thing or are these more impromptu hang-outs?

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

I have stopped reaching out now. Im curious to whether I will hear from him again. Im gonna try to do a lot of fun things the next few weeks to distract myself, and also so he knows that I can have fun without him

Absolutely get involved and busy with your friends family interests and local life. Maybe you'll pick it up when he moves there, maybe not.

But the moral of the story is don't date long shots like distance. Wait until there is a relationship before getting attached.

[glows]

3 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

My gameplan right now is just to let him be. Which is awkward because its so obvious we're just not talking. We're best friends on snapchat, so its obviously weird that we have no contact at all. Just waiting for it to go away. Ive read a lot about breakups after my last break up, and my plan is to simply go no contact. If he avoids me because he's not into me I won't hear from him, if he avoids me because he's scared of it going too fast he'll come back. I hope  

In the meantime I need to do something about the feeling of being used and thrown away. Im gonna try to do a lot of fun things the next few weeks to distract myself, and also so he knows that I can have fun without him  Hopefully he will get a little fomo

Good plan. I suggest you move on anyway while relaxing your grip over the outcome. I do think his interests have waned and he’s not as interested in this as you are. You’ve both practically just met and he’s not as responsive. Let it go and be good to yourself.

Edited June 6, 2022 by glows