Men pulling away after sex

[Alpacalia]

57 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

It's a couple of days and imo the only reason why some women fret about it is because of past negative experience, not even realizing that in some cases they perpetuated it by not relaxing with it, having trust in their connection and allowing it to play out, naturally and organically without asking questions, seeking reassurance, pushing, reaching.

Yes, I agree.

When some men experience intimacy before he is ready for it, I believe he experiences his tendency to pull away most intensely. 

There is simply a way for me to look at this from a perspective where you do not deny your feelings in the process or stuff them down while asking yourself where he is. It isn't so much what you feel about what he is doing, but where he is positioned in relation to that.

Sometimes we mistake playing a role in order to catch someone's attention, and every single time it backfires because the other person realizes you weren't being genuine or, worse case scenario, and you wind up with the wrong person entirely.

The solution is not to cut ties and disappear, but to reach out less to him. If you can, let him move more often than you do.

Having to deal with his distance can be extremely frustrating.

When you do speak, stay focused on trying to keep the discourse constructive as much as possible.

It may require patience on your part, but everything will be fine. There is no magic formula for finding happiness, so don't let it deter you from finding the joy of your life.

 

Edited May 31, 2022 by Alpacalia

[Calmandfocused]

Op 

Whilst I don’t disagree with the majority of posters here who suggest intimacy issues with your guy, I think you need to think about the impact this is having on you. 

All of us have “issues” to a degree. What we cannot do is simply expect that everyone bends to our whim to suit us. What about your needs? You don’t simply have to accept it. Compromise calls in this situation. 
 

I can only imagine how rejected, degraded and demoralised you feel every time you sleep with this man. Sex can make us vulnerable, we open up emotionally and physically and there is a degree of trust involved. 
 

Rather than pulling you closer, sex is pulling you apart. If I was you I’d actively be avoiding sex with him. Who wants to feel like a disposable object every time you have sex? Not me and presumable not you either! 
 

So you need to let him know how you feel. There is a way in which he can achieve his space whilst you’re not left feeling dejected every time you have sex.  But you need to communicate. 
 

If you don’t, this cycle will continue and it will naturally come to an end. You cannot develop a relationship with someone who emotionally stagnates and is not willing to try. 

Edited May 31, 2022 by Calmandfocused

[Amanda92]

Firstly you describe how healthy this relationship is and how you don't feel anxious and then it turns out he plays with you... In my opinion you should talk to him. If he would be serious he would take you to this Birthday instead of doing booty call. He would like to meet more often and have more sex. He doesn't behave like interested guy at all. Show your boundaries - take it to the next level or say goodbye. 2 months are enough to decide.

How big is the distance?

[smackie9]

My experience is that any guy, that was truly interested in me, wanted to be with me, see me/talk to me, spend quality time with me intellectually and physically, putting his best foot forward. You feel what you feel because it's true...he's only in it for casual until something better comes along. Like I always say, you date those who treat you the way you expect to be treated. if it doesn't feel right, then it's not. IMO if you have to ask, you are dating the wrong guy. 

[Wiseman2]

Perhaps they are not "pulling away", but you feel more attached after sex. Since this is a recurring pattern of angst.

[poppyfields]

14 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Perhaps they are not "pulling away", but you feel more attached after sex. Since this is a recurring pattern of angst.

This^ is an excellent point.  

He doesn't have "intimacy issues" nor is he "pulling away;" he is an independent man with a purpose and a life beyond you (as well he should at this early stage), remember it's still VERY early stages and you are not exclusive. 

Problem is, as Wiseman2 said, you have become attached after sex, and you expect him to have that same level of attachment, but he does not.  

It does not mean that he won't in time, but he isn't there yet and that's OK.

Sure, he could have given you the obligatory phone call or text the next day, but is that what you want?  Him calling out out some contrived obligation?

You said yourself that when you leave him alone for a day a two, he comes back round, more enthusiastic than ever!   What does that tell you?  

Leave him be.  Let him move closer to you at his own pace.  Try to relax with it and enjoy the journey. 

Going forward, if you find yourself becoming too attached after sex whereby you have certain expectations that he should behave a certain way towards you, wait a bit longer to have sex.  

As I and some others have said, this all seems normal for the stage you're in, he appears to be into you, so relax and enjoy.

 

 

 

 

Edited May 31, 2022 by poppyfields

[glows]

Keep reminding yourself that you're there to see how a person handles themselves and communicates with you. Do not assume that they ok to date right off the bat or based on less than three months of dating. You simply do not know that much about him after a handful of dates so like I said, use the wait and see approach. 

I agree about returning back to what you want out of a relationship and how this measures up in terms of what's happening NOW, not the potential of what you think a person could be. 

I'm actually here to validate any anxiety or uneasiness you feel, OP, instead of ignoring it or telling yourself things are ok. It's dysfunctional and very destructive overall to be refusing yourself your basic needs in a relationship if you feel that this man isn't right for you.

 

 

[poppyfields]

24 minutes ago, glows said:

I'm actually here to validate any anxiety or uneasiness you feel, OP, instead of ignoring it or telling yourself things are ok. It's dysfunctional and very destructive overall to be refusing yourself your basic needs in a relationship if you feel that this man isn't right for you.

Another great point.  Always listen to your emotions (anxiety and unease as well as happiness, joy), it's a mistake to ignore.  Our emotions, both positive and negative, speak volumes.  

If it's anxiety, it's important to determine where our anxiety stems from.  Is it external or internal?

Speaking for myself, much of my anxiety is internal, which is my cue to look within and take appropriate steps to resolve. 

In other cases, the anxiety may be external, meaning you sense something is "wrong," you're being treated poorly or disrespectfully and you feel you're being strung along. 

Try to incorporate logic into your thought process as well as emotion. 

As I said, my boyfriend behaved the same way in early stages.  I understood it and it was never an issue for me, for us.  

And we are now discussing marriage and family, he initiated that conversation.

That said, as glows said, listen to your anxiety, and determine for yourself where it comes from.  

If it's internal within yourself based on your past or wherever, that's not his fault.  Working on resolving within yourself. 

If you feel HE is the cause, he's not meeting your needs or expectations, assuming your needs and expectations are not unreasonable at this early stage, prior to exclusivity, then you have a decision to make. 

Stay or go.  Have a conversation, whatever you feel is best.

Good luck whatever you decide 

Edited May 31, 2022 by poppyfields

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

My experience is that any guy, that was truly interested in me, wanted to be with me, see me/talk to me, spend quality time with me intellectually and physically, putting his best foot forward. You feel what you feel because it's true...he's only in it for casual until something better comes along. Like I always say, you date those who treat you the way you expect to be treated. if it doesn't feel right, then it's not. IMO if you have to ask, you are dating the wrong guy. 

I'm leaning more with this.

Even though it may very well be a nothing burger, if it's the right thing, when it's the right guy it will work out. It's going to be easy and he will pursue you and engage with you. When a man ignores you or is less responsive he is simply not thinking about you. It might sound harsh, but it is actually an empowered place to be where you can see things for what they are.

Chances are he's thinking about his work, his friends, and chances are he's texting other women because if you're not exclusive with him, well, that's what a lot of people do.

Match his investment level. If he pulls back, you pull back too. It isn't so that you can play games, but it means that your mind starts to think "oh, this is less important to me" and your level of desire reduces naturally, as well as reducing and calming your mind. 

[glows]

Yes, and to add onto some of the thoughts above, I'd like to add as well that the more you do this, the less and less you're likely to overthink or pay attention to people who just have no bearing on your life. 

You're training yourself to pay attention all the things and people that you do respect, aspire to, admire and want to work towards. Keep doing more of that and introducing similar company or others who reflect the same values and approach challenges the same way.

[Allupinnit]

After 2.5 months and being intimate you should be able to at least talk to the guy.  It's almost like he forgets about you until he's ready to hit you up again to play.

Sweet, interested men ask about your day and want you to meet their friends, you don't want to be the late night booty call when he's done with his buddies.  

Sex changes everything, just the way it is and how it's always been.

[Runninggirl]

Thanks for all the great insight and answers! 

For clarification; he doesn't ghost me after sex, we just talk less, he's less sweet and flirty, and more casual towards me. On sunday he snap chatted me a couple of times, but avoided starting a conversation. He snapchats me a bit every day, just less than before, he also always responds if I initiate. But is so much less, because before we would text a lot and have a long convo before bed every day, now he just seem a bit distant. As if sex makes him ponder if this is really what he wants, as if it forces him to make a decision about me. 

My anxiety is probably a lot internal, I have issues with abandonment and inconsistency. 

 

[SumGuy]

On 5/30/2022 at 3:53 PM, Runninggirl said:

...

When we're together he is very close and affectionate, I never feel like he's just after sex neither over texts or real life. 

Could it be a love language thing, yours requiring more communication than his and/or could he be a bit cautious and scared of getting too intimate?  That is after the intimacy of being together and sex he needs to pull back because he s afraid he is getting in too deep?   If you are young it could well be fear...but of course I have experienced with women who are 45+ as well.  In my expereince people can be very contradictory in their behavior when they are unsure like that.

Haven't read further but open non-judgmental communication sounds like a good approach, to see what is going on.  In my view any person worth keeping around in your life can have such conversations...they kind of are the cornerstone for any long term relationship.

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

My anxiety is probably a lot internal, I have issues with abandonment and inconsistency. 

It's good to shift your focus to your own style of attachment.

By doing so, you may even think, "I might not like him," "perhaps I'm just wanting what I can't have." In this way, you can get a realistic view of how interested in him you really are without falling prey to this scarcity trigger that we all have. 

It's not a question of playing games. It's about being congruent with the level of interest and the level of investment a person has with you and matching that.

You'll feel at ease with a good partner. It’s going to have a natural flow. If it’s not, chances are it’s not the right guy or the right relationship. So you can clear the way and let him go so that you can make room for the right person and the right relationship to come into your life.

Edited June 1, 2022 by Alpacalia

[poppyfields]

3 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

My anxiety is probably a lot internal, I have issues with abandonment and inconsistency. 

I would seek help for this Runninggirl.  Because.....

3 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

before we would text a lot and have a long convo before bed every day, now he just seem a bit distant.

The bolded simply is not sustainable long term.  Relationships ebb and flow, they are rarely linear.  

People (women mostly if I'm honest) complain about inconsistency, when it's really just the ebb and flow. 

In early stages while a man is in the process of moving closer to you emotionally, after sexual intimacy, some men need to get 'back to themselves' so to speak, they've reached their intimacy threshold.

John Gray has written a lot about this.  

If you let them be for a bit and do your own thing -  a day, two days tops, they begin feeling the need to reconnect again.

That is precisely why when you DO leave him be for a bit, he comes back more enthusiastic and energized than ever!  And as you yourself said in your initial post, it's NOT just for the sex. 

Again, this is in the early stages while in the process of moving closer to you emotionally.

Allow him time to miss you!  Personally, I love that feeling of missing and longing, and even now that I'm in a committed relationship, we both will sometimes take some distance for just that purpose.

It's not a bad or negative thing, and if you expect him to maintain the same routine of having long deep conversations every night, things will get old real fast, it's called burn out. 

Which I'm sure you don't want to happen.  

Please seek help for your anxiety and abandonment issues Running, I really do think that's what's at issue here.

I did and my relationships have improved dramatically for the better because of it. 

All the best. 

Edited June 1, 2022 by poppyfields

[Runninggirl]

On 6/1/2022 at 4:25 PM, poppyfields said:

(...)In early stages while a man is in the process of moving closer to you emotionally, after sexual intimacy, some men need to get 'back to themselves' so to speak, they've reached their intimacy threshold.

John Gray has written a lot about this.  

If you let them be for a bit and do your own thing -  a day, two days tops, they begin feeling the need to reconnect again.

That is precisely why when you DO leave him be for a bit, he comes back more enthusiastic and energized than ever!  And as you yourself said in your initial post, it's NOT just for the sex. " 

I hope its this. This time Ive heard more from him than last time. He's texted me once per day (which is little compared to before sex) on sunday, monday, tuesday and wednesday. That was the last I heard from him. I didn't hear anything from him on thursday, I sent him a snapchat on thursday evening which he only opened this morning and didnt reply to. Anxious to know if Ill hear from him today. 

Its usually like this; a little contact after sex, and then a few days silence. I hope its like you say, one or two days silence and then "back to himself". Its always when I "give up" for two days, and don't reach out. Feels like he comes back out of regret. I just hate that it always feels like stepping backwards.

What really scares me is the thought of "what if its just post nut clarity?" - that he realize after sex that its not me he wants just sex, and that Im easy

[Wiseman2]

On 5/30/2022 at 3:53 PM, Runninggirl said:

@glows. 

@Happy Lemming.

@Wiseman2 . I just feel like if he was into me it wouldn't decrease after when we've had a really good time. 

@poppyfields 

Try not to let the distance spook you this much. You are judging his interest by your social media communication preferences. Does that make sense?

You seem to be assuming that a constant flurry of social media activity means interest and the usual ebb and flow means "using you for sex"?

Have more confidence. If distance relationships make you edgy, don't engage in that. It's been about 6 weeks. This is the observation time. 

When will he be moving to your area?

[Amanda92]

And how do you behave after sleeping with him? Do you cuddle a lot and kiss for goodbye? Some people are ashamed after and behave very awkward instead of letting her/him know that was a great night and you would like to repeat it.

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

that he realize after sex that its not me he wants just sex, and that Im easy

Wouldn't the same be true of him? He's the one you're having sex with, after all. Any guy who operates on such a double standard is not someone I would welcome back into my bed, that's for sure. 

My read is that he's seeing this a lot more casually than you are. So he enoys the sex, but is fine to let things wane a bit until he wants more. That's all. 

[Allupinnit]

In my experience the lukewarm dudes never heat up.

[giotto]

You have sex, he gets what he wants and becomes less affectionate for a while... then he needs sex again, so he becomes affectionate with you again... he gets sex... blah blah... rinse and repeat. Not boyfriend material, IMO.

[Wiseman2]

On 5/30/2022 at 3:53 PM, Runninggirl said:

We also have a little bit of a distant between us, so he can't just come over anytime, it has to be planned. I would love to see him more often. He's moving closer this summer actually, so Im hoping that we can meet more often.

Have you been to his place? The distance is a huge issue. Step back until he actually moves there. Depending on texting/social media for a relationship is taxing.

Edited June 3, 2022 by Wiseman2

[poppyfields]

5 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

What really scares me is the thought of "what if its just post nut clarity?" - that he realize after sex that its not me he wants just sex...

This^ is a risk you must be willing to take if you're gonna make it in dating, relationships, life.

There is always going to be at least some uncertainty during early stages, that's a given in my experience.

One thing I've learned is that there are never any guarantees, ever. 

Work on your self-esteem and abandonment issues.  Learn to be come resilient. 

When you're resilient, it's easier to take risks (dating and other) KNOWING that if it doesn't work out, you will be OK.  And you can use as as opportunity to learn and grow from it. 

Just out of curiosity, when he does reach out, what are your conversations like? 

Are you having fun light conversations OR are you filled with angst seeking reassurance?

He can sense whatever state of emotion you're in, remember HE is observing you too. 

 

Edited June 3, 2022 by poppyfields

[Runninggirl]

On 6/3/2022 at 11:55 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Try not to let the distance spook you this much. You are judging his interest by your social media communication preferences. Does that make sense?

You seem to be assuming that a constant flurry of social media activity means interest and the usual ebb and flow means "using you for sex"?

Have more confidence. If distance relationships make you edgy, don't engage in that. It's been about 6 weeks. This is the observation time. 

When will he be moving to your area?

He will be moving this summer in the middle of july.

You have a good point, maybe he just feel like the deal is more "sealed" and dont need that much contact now that he feels like he has me. I think what Im most terrified of is whether he pursue other girls because now they are more interesting. I obviously just have issues from previous relationships. 

On 6/3/2022 at 12:51 PM, Amanda92 said:

And how do you behave after sleeping with him? Do you cuddle a lot and kiss for goodbye? Some people are ashamed after and behave very awkward instead of letting her/him know that was a great night and you would like to repeat it.

We cuddle and spoon all night, and have morningsex as well. After we cuddle for a bit, check our phones (which he never checks during a date, which I think is really positive, he only checks it the next morning). He doesn't stay for too long, but that's ok, and he always kiss me when he leaves.

 

On 6/3/2022 at 4:01 PM, giotto said:

You have sex, he gets what he wants and becomes less affectionate for a while... then he needs sex again, so he becomes affectionate with you again... he gets sex... blah blah... rinse and repeat. Not boyfriend material, IMO.

Could it really be that simple?

On 6/3/2022 at 4:10 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Have you been to his place? The distance is a huge issue. Step back until he actually moves there. Depending on texting/social media for a relationship is taxing.

Yes, I agree with the distance, but also is it really that huge issue when he comes here quite often (he has a parent that lives here, and many old friends) and its only 1,5 month until moving..

On 6/3/2022 at 4:51 PM, poppyfields said:

This^ is a risk you must be willing to take if you're gonna make it in dating, relationships, life.

There is always going to be at least some uncertainty during early stages, that's a given in my experience.

One thing I've learned is that there are never any guarantees, ever. 

Work on your self-esteem and abandonment issues.  Learn to be come resilient. 

When you're resilient, it's easier to take risks (dating and other) KNOWING that if it doesn't work out, you will be OK.  And you can use as as opportunity to learn and grow from it. 

Just out of curiosity, when he does reach out, what are your conversations like? 

Are you having fun light conversations OR are you filled with angst seeking reassurance?

He can sense whatever state of emotion you're in, remember HE is observing you too. 

 

I never give off angst to him (at least I dont think so), its usually light and flirty. I try to keep it that way after we have sex too, but I dont know. I try not ask a lot of questions that would make me look insecure. Trying to keep myself interesting

[Runninggirl]

So after saturday he contacted me every day until wednesday. On thursday early morning I sent him something and he didnt reply. I tried to back off a bit, but he never reached out that day. I never heard from him on friday either and it killed out snapchat streak. I left him alone all saturday too, he was even in town because its his mothers birthday, so he has been here all weekend at home. He's been on his phone a lot, but never texted me. This saturday evening I caved and sent him a light picture of icecream and netflix, with just "just staying in tonight", and he actually replied "same" with a selfie. But then I replied and he just left m on read. His reply just seemed like there was no problem, he seemed light and fine, which I find strange after barely talking and then three days of no contact. 

Last week he was literally texting me 50 messages per day. 

No sure what to do now, should I pull back and now reach out and hope that after he gets some space he will reach out, or continue text him casually and see if he responds?