Men pulling away after sex

[Runninggirl]

Ive been seeing a guy for 2,5 months, and everything has been going pretty great. We talk every day, he keeps me posted about his life, shows interest about mine and the little things I tell about my day or similar. It has felt very healthy, like sometimes we talk more throughout the day, and sometimes its quiet during the day because one of us is very busy, but neither seem anxious. We always talk at night before bed. We've met up many times for casual dates like going for a walk, going to movies, had a few beers and so on. 

We have the red heart on snapchat, and it seems like Im about 50% of the snaps he's sending and receiving. Point is he seems very interested. He's made a lot of comments joking about moving in in the future, having a family etc, but not serious talks, that's obviously way too soon. Just the whole thing seem more healthy than my previous dating. We didn't have sex right away, and have only had sex three times. First time a month ago. And this is where it makes me anxious and confused:

Both first times we had sex, he text me later that day but a bit less (fine, we were with each other all night, I too have had enough of him and want alone time). The next few days I receive a few snaps, but if I reply he just opens them and doesn't reply. Im not sure if he feels like sex makes it too serious, and is scared of commitment, or if its a case of post nut clarity, or what. 

He keeps in touch, but barely compared to before, and seem much more talkative with his friends. He almost stop initiating, but barely string me along with low effort. After a few days I just felt like I was chasing and gave up. He will reply sometimes to keep it going, but seem cold and distant compared to normal. When I gave up, after two days of complete silence he always contacts me on the third day, and when I reply back he's fully back, as if he regretted his actions and really missed me. 

He really does seem interested and serious, I dont think he's "just after sex". 90% of our time together has been great, but those few days after sex where he pulls away and disappears and reappears scares me. He seem so genuine, he talks naturally about our future, he just loose all interest after sex or something? And it almost seem like he keeps in touch because he knows Im objectively great, just subjectively loose it. 

Now again we had sex for the third time this weekend. It made me hesitant. He initiated a real normal date on friday, a full day together, but I was busy. I suggested saturday but he was going to a birthday and said if he could come over after. I didnt want it to be a late night booty call, but its been really great lately, I felt like he was soooo into me, so I said yes. He kept in touch the entire night, and left the birthday early to be with me. When he came over he was so sweet and caring, wanting to talk and so on. We had sex, and he spooned me literally ALL night. Ive never met a more affectionate guy in my life. He seemed really into me after sex too, so the pulling away thing is not right after,  more like the next day and a few days after. 

Im hoping for some insight. Am I just being overdramatic and this is just normal for guys? What do I do now? I dont understand why sex changes everything. I just want to act like before with him, but it almost seem like he thinks sex makes everything more serious. Im noticing the same pattern this time too, and its really hurtful. 

Insight? 

[glows]

Have you both talked about dating exclusivity? It sounds like he needs time for social commitments and time to spend with his friends also. 

I'd like to add that there's little reason for him to ignore a text from you. Let him reach out more and see whether he's able to juggle or initiate more communication with you. You're also looking to see if someone can multi-task or juggle different things in life. Dating is a very small part of life especially at this stage. If he can't manage it... well. 

 

 

Edited May 30, 2022 by glows

[Happy Lemming]

I think you need to tell him about your wants/needs as far as communication.  If you would prefer 10 text messages a day, tell him that.  Men are not mind readers, sometimes you need to tell us exactly what you want in a relationship.

Personally, I wouldn't really know what to text if I had to send multiple texts in a day.  His life may be fairly routine and unremarkable, thus nothing to really text about.

I'd be more concerned about only having sex 3 times in a month... that seems extremely low.  How old is this gentleman??

[Alpacalia]

Hmm.

It's a toughie.

Daily contact usually increases afterwards, not decreases.

 

[Wiseman2]

Allow for some breathing room in a relationship. Try not to take the temperature of it constantly. Especially don't worry so much about texts and snaps. Try to be more confident. He seems into you so breathe.

[poppyfields]

In my experience sexual intimacy often changes the initial dynamic. Some men will want to move closer, some men will have a need to distance for a bit, then return (push-pull).  It depends on how comfortable he is with the intimacy.

Try to not take it personally and strive for understanding rather than criticism and confusion.  

When he distances, do your own thing, live your life. Don't text, don't call, allow him his space, trust me he will appreciate it and it will result in him wanting to move closer.  Assuming he wasn't just into it for the sex. 

If you text or otherwise seek answers or reassurance, he will recoil and need more distance. 

Try to relax with it, it's all part of the process when two independent individuals attempt to come together. 

Good luck. 

[Runninggirl]

@glows I said very early I dont date and sleep with guys who date/sleep with others, and he said he would never do that. We haven't had any "the talks" yet, it seems too early. 

@Happy Lemming Its not about frequency, its about that he just always goes really cold and distant after sex for a few days. The reason its low, is because we've only met four times in the past month, partly because he pulls away after sex, so he doesn't seem like he wants to meet. We also have a little bit of a distant between us, so he can't just come over anytime, it has to be planned. I would love to see him more often. He's moving closer this summer actually, so Im hoping that we can meet more often. I obviously want someone who would in the (far) future want to move in together.

@Wiseman2 Good advice, I know it won't always be as warm. I just feel like if he was into me it wouldn't decrease after when we've had a really good time. 

@poppyfields The push-pull is exactly what it is! I try to seek understanding, but I can't seem to figure out the why. Is it because he's uncomfortable with the intimacy? 

When we're together he is very close and affectionate, I never feel like he's just after sex neither over texts or real life. 

[glows]

Then take a step back also and let him come to you. It's so early that you're still gauging interest in one another so don't overinvest. Wait and see. If his tempo is off or he doesn't seem emotionally available or as available as you, this isn't your guy.

[poppyfields]

8 minutes ago, Runninggirl said:

The push-pull is exactly what it is! I try to seek understanding, but I can't seem to figure out the why. Is it because he's uncomfortable with the intimacy? 

He may be.  He may feel he "loses himself" a bit, feels vulnerable and some men need time to regroup, get back to themselves after sex especially if they have feelings for the woman.

It's the exact opposite of what many women believe - he's just not into me.

I've experienced this myself in all my long-term relationships. I've also done quite a bit of reading about it, how men fall in love versus how women fall in love. 

For some maybe even many men, they fall in love through distance, while women fall in love through togetherness.  

Masculine/feminine, yin-yang.

I agree with Wisenan, he appears to be into you, try to enjoy and relax.

Edited May 30, 2022 by poppyfields

[Happy Lemming]

6 minutes ago, Runninggirl said:

We also have a little bit of a distant between us, so he can't just come over anytime, it has to be planned. I would love to see him more often. He's moving closer this summer actually, so Im hoping that we can meet more often.

So there is a logistical problem with actual physical distance/driving...  OK, now I understand.

Again, if you require more communication/texts, you will need to tell him.

My advice... relax and just stay in this holding pattern until he actually moves to your area.  Long distance relationships can be quite tough and require extra work, extra planning and sacrifices to make them work.

[salparadise]

 

1 hour ago, Runninggirl said:

I just feel like if he was into me it wouldn't decrease after when we've had a really good time. 

The push-pull is exactly what it is! I try to seek understanding, but I can't seem to figure out the why. Is it because he's uncomfortable with the intimacy? When we're together he is very close and affectionate, I never feel like he's just after sex neither over texts or real life. 

Runninggirl, I think there is a good chance that you are simply ascribing too much meaning to the pause in communication. I certainly don't think it means he's not much into you. And I also would not characterize it as "the push-pull." You see, these are descriptions of how you're perceiving and reacting in the absence of information, not how HE feels or his intentions. 

It could be that he is simply satiated afterward, perhaps needing a day or so to equilibrate... and thus the slow down may not be of a conscious/intentional nature. And I'll bet that if he knew how it's making you feel he would want to avoid that.

As I was doing some self-work reading a few years ago, one of the main concepts I integrated was that of not assuming... particularly not having precise expectations, then jumping to the conclusion that any divergence is about me, or that every little thing is significant. 

So a) communicate how you feel, and b) simply do not ascribe meaning based on anxiety or insecurity. Ask him how he feels, ask if it's because he's satiated

Edited May 30, 2022 by salparadise

[poppyfields]

34 minutes ago, salparadise said:

 

Runninggirl, I think there is a good chance that you are simply ascribing too much meaning to the pause in communication. I certainly don't think it means he's not much into you. And I also would not characterize it as "the push-pull." You see, these are descriptions of how you're perceiving and reacting in the absence of information, not how HE feels or his intentions. 

It could be that he is simply satiated afterward, perhaps needing a day or so to equilibrate... and thus the slow down may not be of a conscious/intentional nature. And I'll bet that if he knew how it's making you feel he would want to avoid that.

As I was doing some self-work reading a few years ago, one of the main concepts I integrated was that of not assuming... particularly not having precise expectations, then jumping to the conclusion that any divergence is about me, or that every little thing is significant. 

So a) communicate how you feel, and b) simply do not ascribe meaning based on anxiety or insecurity. Ask him how he feels, ask if it's because he's satiated

Salparadise first off I agree with you and it's not much different from what I posted.  

Secondly, what you're describing IS a form of push/pull, which is NOT a bad thing, it's normal in early stages and can be healthy.

It's only unhealthy when it's done in excess for nefarious reasons such as intentional game playing or for the purpose of confusing or throwing the recipient off balance.

But other than that, it's to be expected as it is in @Runninggirl's situation. 

But again yes I very much agree with what you posted; sadly all too often we allow our anxieties and insecurities from past negative experiences to drive our ship. 

OP, try to avoid that if you can.  Focus on your connection and the great times you've shared together.  

Not sure if sharing your anxieties this early in is a good idea however.  

What you want to convey to him is that you are a strong confident secure woman who understands the ebb and flow of human relations and  connections and won't fall to pieces because he doesn't call for a few days or otherwise needs time to himself after becoming close and sexually intimate. 

Strive for understanding versus seeking reassurance.

Edited May 30, 2022 by poppyfields

[Alpacalia]

When you're stressed out about something so trivial, it is a definite indication to me that you are obsessing about this relationship.

Even so, it can be easy to tell yourself that he doesn't matter, that it doesn't matter and that feeling uneasy is just a waste of your time. Don’t do that. Almost every aspect of modern society invalidates our emotions at least to some degree, and you don't need to do that to yourself.

Whether you decide to mention it at some point or you simply go on about your business, the actions he exhibits will speak volumes about him. They are not necessarily good, or bad. If he distances himself for reasons that are meaningful, you'll have a deeper understanding of who he is and whether or not he is a match for you.  

[glows]

Ehh. Some individuals have very poor navigation of a situation and extreme high anxiety and others don't or can gauge when someone is not quite there and aren't in sync. To advise everyone not to listen to their emotions, anxious or not, is not accurate or sound advice, in my opinion. 

Be very careful about the company you choose and do not overinvest if you don't feel he's on the same page. 

Use the wait and see approach and be choosy about the types of dates you both go on. Look for mutual interest in the things you do and keep working on getting to know one another. I wouldn't place too much emphasis on frequency of text but I think someone who is interested in you at 2.5 months going onto 3 months would reply to you regardless if he's sitting on the toilet or just out of the jungles from a long hike. Don't stand up for someone who toys around with you or treats you casually. 

I'm also interested to know why you haven't discussed exclusivity if it's something you're leaning more towards at this stage.

[Runninggirl]

So much great advice, and I agree with you all in different ways. 

I find the anxiousness difficult because I dont know 100% if its overthinking or intuition. What makes me anxious is that Im a bit hypersensitive to changes, and previous experiences have always seemed to prove that I pick up on things very early. But that makes me very anxious about small things. Ive always been very empathic from childhood age, and had a strong and accurate intuition. 

I just find it hard to understand how it can be sooo black and white, how he seem to invest so much, and suddenly "disappear". Last time it was very apparent that he pulled away for a few days, but didnt "come back" until I actually left. I guess Im just scared that if I leave him alone he won't bother to try and keep me. 

Its interesting what @salparadise says about being satiated. Ive heard some people talk about it, and could it be as simple as his hormones, that he had his bucket of sex and intimacy filled and maybe he feels much more safe with me and doesn't need the reassurance. @poppyfields glad to hear it can be healthy, I really hope so. If it continues I have to bring it up, but I dont know how without coming off as too needy too early. Im also always scared that he initiated something with someone else on his "downtime" 

[dramafreezone]

3 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

He really does seem interested and serious, I dont think he's "just after sex". 90% of our time together has been great, but those few days after sex where he pulls away and disappears and reappears scares me. He seem so genuine, he talks naturally about our future, he just loose all interest after sex or something? And it almost seem like he keeps in touch because he knows Im objectively great, just subjectively loose it. 

 

There is an actual term for what you're describing.  It's called the refractory period after sex.  https://www.issm.info/sexual-health-qa/what-is-the-refractory-period/#:~:text=The length of the refractory,between 12 to 24 hours. 

I assure you it is very real at least with me and maybe other guys can chime in as well.  My interest in having sex is definitely decreased for maybe 24 hours after sex, but for some men it can last for a few days.  Other guys it may only be for an hour, or less, so there's wide variation.

I wouldn't take it personally, this is just him and I don't think it has anything to do with you necessarily, and I don't think it's a game he's playing.

Edited May 30, 2022 by dramafreezone

[basil67]

Granted, I haven't dated for a long time, but I've never experienced dating or being in a relationship with a man who was so absent .  So to answer your question, in my view his behaviour is not "normal".  Though perhaps "not common" would be a better descriptor.  In my experience, when a guy is truly into you there's absolutely no doubting it.

 I would suggest that you focus more on what you want in a relationship rather than trying to analyze his behaviour.  It really doesn't matter what he's feeling - instead, what matters is whether or not he's meeting your needs.  Talking about issues certainly has it's place, but this early on, I'd only bother with conversations about small things which are easily changed.  The change you need is extensive would require a whole lot of introspection from him.

Personally, I would have been gone a month and a half ago. 

[poppyfields]

@Runninggirlto clarify in case there was some confusion, I think it's extremely important to listen to your emotions, positive and negative, including anxieties, insecurities etc, it's crucial!  

However, "burdening" him or any man with your anxiety/insecurity (and trust me I've been there too plenty of times!) serves no good purpose at this early stage, it adds a pressure that has the potential of doing more harm than good in my experience.

Learn to manage these emotions on your own, if you can.  

These early stages are the time to observe.  To determine if he's the right fit for you.  He should be doing the same.

Talking, sharing anxieties, expressing your needs comes later, once a relationship has been established.

That said, next time you're together, it's ok to discuss exclusivity.

Ideally, you should be discussing from a positive place of feeling secure and wanting to move closer, versus based on your anxiety and insecurity.

Jmo and again good luck!  Fingers crossed this works out for you. 

 

Edited May 30, 2022 by poppyfields

[basil67]

With regards to being "satiated" I've certainly had guys who don't need more sex for a day or two, but I've never had that connected to him going distant.  It's like he's also had enough of your company too.

[poppyfields]

4 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

There is an actual term for what you're describing.  It's called the refractory period after sex.  https://www.issm.info/sexual-health-qa/what-is-the-refractory-period/#:~:text=The length of the refractory,between 12 to 24 hours. 

I assure you it is very real at least with me and maybe other guys can chime in as well.  My interest in having sex is definitely decreased for maybe 24 hours after sex, but for some men it can last for a few days.  Other guys it may only be for an hour, or less, so there's wide variation.

I wouldn't take it personally, this is just him and I don't think it has anything to do with you necessarily, and I don't think it's a game he's playing.

Thank you for posting that as a man who has experienced it.  

I think many men feel this need immediately after sex but don't act on it, sadly.  They fear losing the woman or she won't understand.

Which is a mistake as such men may ultimately feel suffocated or pressured, and end the whole thing, leaving the woman devastated and not understanding why. 

That's why I said strive for understanding such as reading articles such as @dramafreezoneposted and others. 

Allow him this time if he needs it, to get back to himself.  Be happy when he returns.  Trust me, eventually he won't need to "pull away," and will move closer to you.  

Again it happened that way in every long-term relationship I've ever had including my current. 

[salparadise]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

With regards to being "satiated" I've certainly had guys who don't need more sex for a day or two, but I've never had that connected to him going distant.  It's like he's also had enough of your company too.

 

5 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

He will reply sometimes to keep it going, but seem cold and distant compared to normal. When I gave up, after two days of complete silence he always contacts me on the third day, and when I reply back he's fully back, as if he regretted his actions and really missed me. 

First let me say that what I meant by satiated is not the male refractory period.  The refractory period is caused by the chemical cocktail immediately after orgasm. What I'm talking about is both the satisfying of the sexual imperative, and the emotional need to equilibrate –– which is being interpreted as ceasing of pursuit. Being an introvert I understand this all too well. It's like finally arriving home after attending some big, stressful social function and just being relieved. Also, I noticed that @Runninggirl has the not-so-uncommon mentality that HE is still supposed to do all of the initiating, which I find archaic (understatement). OP, you should be doing about half of it. It's allowed, unless you're adhering to the 1950 edition of the woman's guide men and sex. 

Personally, I think that you need to bring it up with him. Don't phrase it in such a way as to make you sound anxious or needy, but just that two days of dead air are concerning and you need to know what is going on with that. I hereby grant you full agency.

Edited May 31, 2022 by salparadise

[basil67]

35 minutes ago, salparadise said:

The emotional need to equilibrate –– which is being interpreted as ceasing of pursuit. Being an introvert I understand this all too well. It's like finally arriving home after attending some big, stressful social function and just being relieved.

Thank you for explaining.  As a fellow introvert, I also understand  the recovery from socialising all too well.  Never needed to do it with a boyfriend I'm really into though.  And I'm not sure why he'd need to do this only after sex and not after a big day out with her.

All in all, after the second time a guy did this after sex, I'd block him while he was AWOL.

[divegrl]

Hi! Personally I experience this in my relationships as well. 
 

I have talked to guys about it and they always say that nothings wrong. I just think guys, when dating, are a lot more attentive when needing sex. And then after they back off a bit.  
 

At least this is my experience. Wishing you the best!

[Alpacalia]

It's unclear how much impact the refractory period has on behavior.

I have experienced the opposite.

In my long-term relationships, the desire of the other person to be closer to me afterwards had increased.

Afterward, the communication style remained the same, if not more so.

The dynamics of each relationship, each man and woman, are different.

Seeing women tread around this topic for fear of pushing the man away or because their primary goal is a relationship. There is much less time spent pondering whether you are compatible with him and whether he is compatible with you and how he treats you afterwards. What makes you want to be in a relationship so much? Is it just because you slept with him? It could be because you genuinely like the man and see many wonderful qualities and traits about him that you find distinctive and make him stand out from the rest?

Having a clear understanding of what drives your behavior is crucial. 

In the case that you are an anxious individual by nature, then I would agree with some of the other suggestions.

 

[poppyfields]

19 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Seeing women tread around this topic for fear of pushing the man away or because their primary goal is a relationship. 

Speaking for myself, I had no fear of pushing him away, I simply understand the various nuances that occur before and after sex and had no need to either reach out or confront him about it.  I did my own thing, and allowed it all to play out the way it was meant to. 

I've experienced it so much, I have actually come to expect a man to pull away for a day or two after close intimate sex.  In fact I need my space too, perhaps that's why I understand it.

I don't fret about it, it's normal to me.  And every time, he would reconnect with me and we went on to have a long term relationship.

My current bf did the same thing, and he recently asked me to marry him, which we will do either end of this year or early next year.  

Honestly, It wasn't a big deal and it shouldn't be not when you understand men and their natures, some men anyway. 

It's a couple of days and imo the only reason why some women fret about it is because of past negative experience, not even realizing that in some cases they perpetuated it by not relaxing with it, having trust in their connection and allowing it to play out, naturally and organically without asking questions, seeking reassurance, pushing, reaching.

Edited May 31, 2022 by poppyfields