Sas2022 Posted May 29, 2022 Posted May 29, 2022 (edited) I am 6 months in to a relationship with a man who treats me like a queen. We’ve not had one argument in the last 6 months so everything looks rosy. My partner doesn’t have a big friend circle and often makes passing comments about me seeing my friends (which I really don’t do excessively). He always follows it up with ‘only joking babe’ and moves on. The thing is, it reminds me of how things were in a previous unhealthy relationship but he does say he’s only joking so am I just reading too much in to it? I’ve discussed it with him and he laughs and says he likes that I see my friends and is only joking but I also feel a bit guilty seeing them even when he’s at work and unavailable to spend time with anyway!! This probably is just in my head and I don’t want to ruin things because of my own insecurities. Any thoughts would be appreciated. Thank you Edited May 29, 2022 by Sas2022
Wiseman2 Posted May 29, 2022 Posted May 29, 2022 15 minutes ago, Sas2022 said: The thing is, it reminds me of how things were in a previous unhealthy relationship but he does say he’s only joking so am I just reading too much in to it? I’ve discussed it with him and he laughs and says he likes that I see my friends and is only joking but I also feel a bit guilty seeing them even when he’s at work and unavailable to spend time with anyway!! Just keep spending time with whoever you want. If it's baggage, then put it behind you, but if you feel he's being passive-aggressive or controlling observe that carefully.
glows Posted May 29, 2022 Posted May 29, 2022 Can you give examples of some of the comments from him? I’d like a clearer idea of what he’s saying. Speaking from a general standpoint, if you don’t like his “jokes” or paltry attempts at “only joking babe” then it’s better he know early on. Both of you at least have the opportunity to learn and move on from this as opposed to years or decades down the line where changing set dynamics and behaviours are nearly impossible. Find out early whether you’re on the same page. I’d still like to know any examples of what he usually says to you and each context to have a better understanding of your situation. 1
stillafool Posted May 29, 2022 Posted May 29, 2022 (edited) 1 hour ago, Sas2022 said: I also feel a bit guilty seeing them even when he’s at work and unavailable to spend time with anyway!! Why? This is not on him that you feel guilty about seeing your own friends. He's told you he doesn't have a problem with it so see them. What might help you is the next time he's "joking" about you seeing your friends be honest with him and tell him to not joke about that anymore because it makes you feel uncomfortable. Edited May 29, 2022 by stillafool 1
Foxhall Posted May 29, 2022 Posted May 29, 2022 tread a little carefully I would say, couple of things there- he has not many friends himself and is making you feel guilty over spending time with other people, nip that guilt in the bud before it builds, make it clear (by your actions) that you will be continuing to see your own friends and that you have your own independent life also. no harm for partners to have a certain amount of space from each other
basil67 Posted May 30, 2022 Posted May 30, 2022 I also agree that you should tread carefully. Having a joke about this may be a vaguely amusing one time thing, but doing it repeatedly makes the action sound like a passive aggressive dig at you. What exactly is he saying? Have you told him that the joke has way outlived it's use-by date? 2
smackie9 Posted May 30, 2022 Posted May 30, 2022 Nope he is not joking...he is being passive/aggressive. A real poor way to communicate. He's one of those guys that thinks he is owed because he treats you so well. This is a big red flag.
NuevoYorko Posted May 30, 2022 Posted May 30, 2022 "Only joking babe" doesn't erase what was actually said. If you have good communication in this relationship you would have already cleared this up with him rather than taking it to a message board. That in itself is telling.
introverted1 Posted May 30, 2022 Posted May 30, 2022 21 hours ago, Sas2022 said: often makes passing comments about me seeing my friends What is the nature of these comments? Examples?
ChatroomHero Posted May 31, 2022 Posted May 31, 2022 Sounds controlling and an initial red flag. Once you get more serious he will start saying, "only joking" less and less. It's not like controlling people don't hide it well at first. If he was showing you it 100%, you'd run in a second. It won't go away, it will get worse.
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