These days its hard to find a decent partner

[LoveComplexity]

I was wondering what everyone thinks about this subject because its something ive been thinking about alot lately.

From my personal experience of my ex girlfriends, from my friends (female and male), things ive heard from people I know etc.... I noticed that nowadays its extremely hard to find someone mature and commited to a relationship for the long haul.

I am 29 years old, im not really old but not really a youngster anymore either, just for the reference of my age group or so.

I noticed some things that most of people think like or are like, some patterns that you probably see in 9 out of 10 people at least around the 20-30 year range.

1. Alot of people seem very self centered and selfish, everything should be catered to their needs and so that they can get the most out of it, and it revolves around them but don't really put much thought about the other person, or willing to make big compromises about things

2. Relationships for the long haul are a commitment and getting to know someone, accepting them, learning to grow together, face difficulties... but seems like these days alot of people think a relationship is this insane high of emotions (like at the start) and that lasts forever and that there are no problems in relationship its all a smooth sail and everything is perfect, and at the first sign of things not going perfect they already want to call it quits because its too tough to deal with, they have no patience to actually try to solve things

3. Not happy with their life, have a boring life.. but expect the partner to fill that, make them happy, make them entertained and not bored, which is not possible

4. Alot of people have tons of trust issues, jealousy, doubts etc.. and can't even fully commit and trust someone like you should and it ruins alot of relationships

5. Most people want instant gratification and don't realize that a relationship takes time to build

6. Alot of people in relationship have really bad communication, either they refuse to talk about problems or try to solve them, or the other type is people who get upset at something but hold it in and never say it, but act distant and cold for a while and then explode all of a sudden after keeping it inside for days

7. People have extremely high expectation of their partner being perfect, being able to read their mind without them ever voicing anything

8. Alot of people are not present with their partner, obsessed with their cellphones, have to go on instagram and snapchat and all that all the time

9. Their life is not particularly fun and they get bored fast from relationships also, and then just quit, but never really try to do anything to fix that

 

[smackie9]

is this through on line dating? Because if it is, the quality isn't there because a lot of those people have trouble finding someone to date irl due to the fact that are not dateable in the first place. Meeting someone through friends, family, activities and outings is a better way to find quality dating material. 

And btw it was like this over 30 years ago before I met my husband. There were plenty of crappy people/ dates that amounted to nothing back then too. It was frustrating as hell. Jerks, twits, clingers, etc. With OLD you just have more accessibility to more twits, selfish jerks, etc. 

It only takes one to be the one right? So you need to be picky too to have a person you want to invest in for the rest of your life...so you better make it a good choice, not having to make "big" compromises or "settle" for anything less. 

Edited May 27, 2022 by smackie9

[Ami1uwant]

On another re ent thread on online dating I commented on how things have changed.

 

depending on where you live…around this time many are marrying off and starting families. Ifyou work in very large cities or in fields like doctor/ lawyer/MBA types you likeky skew older.

Its going to be hard to meet people …you are in a professional field so there will be dating limitations ehere coworkers won’t date you. That leaves things like church, volunteering, social groups around and interest , hobby, or a cause.  
 

ifyou are looking younger than your age you are getting people who arrmtseriously looking and just casual dating or they don’t know how to have relationships.

 

if you met peop,e via online they tend to skew toward rejecting/ moving on for trivial reasons that would not occur ifyou met in real life. If you met someone the old fashioned way you might have a few dates with thrm before deciding and you get to know them. In online people want perfect matches.

 

 

 

 

[Ami1uwant]

The issue on being pefect….

 

inlike say 40 years ago where a female needed a male to be the provider because mens careers tended to outplay women.  Now women are working and earning their own so they don’t need a man to take care of them. As a result they feel they don’t want to settle on someone.  They are looking firthst perfect match passing over the 80-90% matches

[LoveComplexity]

Just now, Ami1uwant said:

The issue on being pefect….

 

inlike say 40 years ago where a female needed a male to be the provider because mens careers tended to outplay women.  Now women are working and earning their own so they don’t need a man to take care of them. As a result they feel they don’t want to settle on someone.  They are looking firthst perfect match passing over the 80-90% matches

There are quite alot of women who want the "perfect" guy and rant there are no good guys around, yet they broke up with like 15 and are like at the age of 40 or more and can't find anyone "decent", but their standards are ridicilous.

[glows]

9 minutes ago, LoveComplexity said:

There are quite alot of women who want the "perfect" guy and rant there are no good guys around, yet they broke up with like 15 and are like at the age of 40 or more and can't find anyone "decent", but their standards are ridicilous.

Didn't you just end a relationship or still talking with the ex/trying to get back with her?

[LoveComplexity]

2 minutes ago, glows said:

Didn't you just end a relationship or still talking with the ex/trying to get back with her?

Yes but that doesn't have much to do with this topic, slightly connected but im just talking in general.

[Wiseman2]

You haven't met the right women for you yet. it's a mistake to "stay friends" with an ex that has all the characteristics you're complaining of. Break clean. Delete and block. Regroup, reflect and open your mind to selecting better matches for you.

[LoveComplexity]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

You haven't met the right women for you yet. it's a mistake to "stay friends" with an ex that has all the characteristics you're complaining of. Break clean. Delete and block. Regroup, reflect and open your mind to selecting better matches for you.

But the point is ive always had bad luck with finding women and always see many of these issues, and even talking to other people I see they have a similar experience, or some people have a view point that is also similar to what i wrote.

[stillafool]

15 minutes ago, LoveComplexity said:

There are quite alot of women who want the "perfect" guy and rant there are no good guys around, yet they broke up with like 15 and are like at the age of 40 or more and can't find anyone "decent", but their standards are ridicilous.

This is interesting because women  come here and complain about the exact same thing about men in their 40s..

[LoveComplexity]

Just now, stillafool said:

This is interesting because women  come here and complain about the exact same thing about men in their 40s..

Of course, it goes for men too, alltho for men its slightly different, similar but different, for example for men beauty and exterior is much more important than for women.

Edited May 27, 2022 by LoveComplexity

[glows]

If you're feeling this jaded, take a time out. You say you've always felt that way. Take some time to yourself and change your mindset. Anything this negative will always attract the kinds people you don't want.

[LoveComplexity]

Just now, glows said:

If you're feeling this jaded, take a time out. You say you've always felt that way. Take some time to yourself and change your mindset. Anything this negative will always attract the kinds people you don't want.

But its not only how I feel its what ive experienced, and what other people tell me.

[glows]

2 minutes ago, LoveComplexity said:

But its not only how I feel its what ive experienced, and what other people tell me.

Then change. Avoid listening to people's problems if they're affecting you this way. Find some balance. 

You were dismissive of my earlier point also about being out of a relationship so soon. The longer you stay angry and bitter, and to add to that, listening to other people telling you how horrible and ugly women are, the less likely you'll find a partner who respects you and your views. I'm not saying this to hurt you while you're down. Be very critical and picky about your company overall and avoid nitpicking at others who do the same. There's a reason for this.

Edited May 27, 2022 by glows

[LoveComplexity]

2 minutes ago, glows said:

Then change. Avoid listening to people's problems if they're affecting you this way. Find some balance. 

You were dismissive of my earlier point also about being out of a relationship so soon. The longer you stay angry and bitter, and to add to that, listening to other people telling you how horrible and ugly women are, the less likely you'll find a partner who respects you and your views. I'm not saying this to hurt you while you're down. Be very critical and picky about your company overall and avoid nitpicking at others who do the same. There's a reason for this.

Its just that its always the same patterns, obviously im starting to think that its quite hard to find someone different then.

For example in pretty much evey relationship ive had apart from my first one which lasted for 3 years, ive had partners who wouldn't talk about issues or things that bothered them or their problems, they would keep things to themself, sulk for days, act distant and odd then after acting like that for a while explode with anger and disappointment, with whatever the issue was about, could be something not related to the relationship or something related, but in any case its extremely difficult to have a healthy relationship like that, and yet it always seems to pop up in some extent.

And thats just 1 of many things.

[stillafool]

8 minutes ago, LoveComplexity said:

beauty and exterior is much more important than for women.

TBH beauty and exterior is very important to women but they won't admit it.  Why do you think women and girls scream and pass out when around a good looking, sexy star or musician?  Why do some guys who live in their parents basement still get plenty of women?  Because they're hot.

[Alpacalia]

14 minutes ago, LoveComplexity said:

Of course, it goes for men too, alltho for men its slightly different, similar but different, for example for men beauty and exterior is much more important than for women.

There is not much more I can add to this discussion except to say, that when it comes to increased male anxiety about their appearance, it is depressing to witness men succumbing to the same destructive pressures that women have had to endure for years now. 

There is no point in salivating over the "birds" in Maxim and then complaining that society places too much pressure on men to have six-pack stomachs.

The connections and contradictions aren't too hard to spot.

[glows]

2 minutes ago, LoveComplexity said:

Its just that its always the same patterns, obviously im starting to think that its quite hard to find someone different then.

For example in pretty much evey relationship ive had apart from my first one which lasted for 3 years, ive had partners who wouldn't talk about issues or things that bothered them or their problems, they would keep things to themself, sulk for days, act distant and odd then after acting like that for a while explode with anger and disappointment, with whatever the issue was about, could be something not related to the relationship or something related, but in any case its extremely difficult to have a healthy relationship like that, and yet it always seems to pop up in some extent.

And thats just 1 of many things.

Then focus more on communication and choosing partners who communicate better. It's usually better to reflect on one's own dating habits and patterns. You can change what you're doing, not what others are doing. Overly focusing on what others are doing doesn't help your situation. You can only control what you do and the people you have in your life.

[LoveComplexity]

1 minute ago, glows said:

Then focus more on communication and choosing partners who communicate better. It's usually better to reflect on one's own dating habits and patterns. You can change what you're doing, not what others are doing. Overly focusing on what others are doing doesn't help your situation. You can only control what you do and the people you have in your life.

That doesn't help, the first months of the relationships is the honeymoon phase, usually you get to know these things much later into the relationship

[mark clemson]

Problem women have always been around, as have problem men. [ ] And in fact nobody's perfect.

 

6 hours ago, LoveComplexity said:

 ive always had bad luck with finding women and always see many of these issues, and even talking to other people I see they have a similar experience, or some people have a view point that is also similar to what i wrote.

 

Hmm. The common element in all your relationships is you. Do you have a "type" and that type is problematic? Are you going for women that need a "rescuer" in some way, but then you realize you're not as happy to do that as you thought? Could your personality be part of the issue (it's reasonable for a woman to want to have some good times with a man they're dating - just as it's reasonable for a man to want that, too)? Do you have insecurities about being able to maintain a relationship or keep a partner happy LT, or an unconscious desire to sabotage the relationships, and so project unappealing "needs" or other issues onto your partners as a defense mechanism? Are your expectations priming you to see the negatives and disregard positives (after all, no one's perfect)?

Don't feel that you need to answer all these questions - they are points for you to consider, nothing more.  If every time my wife irritated me a little (or I her) turned into "break up mode" there's no way we'd still be together. Flexibility and tolerance (within reason) are key to LTRs IMO.

Edited May 27, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
gendered insults

[dramafreezone]

 

55 minutes ago, LoveComplexity said:

For example in pretty much evey relationship ive had apart from my first one which lasted for 3 years, ive had partners who wouldn't talk about issues or things that bothered them or their problems, they would keep things to themself, sulk for days, act distant and odd then after acting like that for a while explode with anger and disappointment, with whatever the issue was about, could be something not related to the relationship or something related, but in any case its extremely difficult to have a healthy relationship like that, and yet it always seems to pop up in some extent.

 

First, off you have a negative, self-limiting belief that's stuck in your head:

Quote

 

I've always had bad luck with finding women

 

 

 

If you believe this, then your subconscious behavior will only work to confirm that.  That's how the mind works, it can only believe what you tell it to believe.  Garbage in, garbage out.

It's not your job to be anyone's psychiatrist or counselor.  You shouldn't want them to share this stuff if they don't want to.

if they are this distant and unhappy, then there's something deeper within them that you are not qualified to diagnose or treat.  You are selecting and dating people that have pre-existing issues.  Signs are always there, though some people are very skilled at hiding it.

If this is happening to you over and over, then you are either missing those signs, or you're ignoring them.  No one is that good at hiding their true selves for more than a couple of months.

You have to look at yourself and ask why do these people keep popping up in your life?  Are you looking to help/rehabiliate people?  I've seen guys on here say that they like to help women that are having issues?  I used to be attracted to these women myself, but in recent years I've learned that is an unhealthy tendency for men to have.  It's not your job to be anyone's hero, or knight in shining armor.

Maybe you aren't "looking" for these women, but they are attracted to you for some reason.  If so, and you find it difficult to not date these women, then there may be something about yourself that you can change to stop attracting these women and start attracting who you want to date.  I think we're naturally attracted to people that lack what we have, so if you describe yourself as helpful, compassionate, you're probably going to attract a lot of co-dependent, self-absorbed types, just an example.

Edited May 27, 2022 by dramafreezone

[LoveComplexity]

19 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Hmm. The common element in all your relationships is you. Do you have a "type" and that type is problematic? Are you going for women that need a "rescuer" in some way, but then you realize you're not as happy to do that as you thought? Could your personality be part of the issue (it's reasonable for a woman to want to have some good times with a man they're dating - just as it's reasonable for a man to want that, too)? Do you have insecurities about being able to maintain a relationship or keep a partner happy LT, or an unconscious desire to sabotage the relationships, and so project unappealing "needs" or other issues onto your partners as a defense mechanism? Are your expectations priming you to see the negatives and disregard positives (after all, no one's perfect)?

Don't feel that you need to answer all these questions - they are points for you to consider, nothing more.  If every time my wife irritated me a little (or I her) turned into "break up mode" there's no way we'd still be together. Flexibility and tolerance (within reason) are key to LTRs IMO.

 

10 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

if they are this distant and unhappy, then there's something deeper within them that you are not qualified to diagnose or treat.  You are selecting and dating people that have pre-existing issues.  Signs are always there, though some people are very skilled at hiding it.

If this is happening to you over and over, then you are either missing those signs, or you're ignoring them.  No one is that good at hiding their true selves for more than a couple of months.

You have to look at yourself and ask why do these people keep popping up in your life?  Are you looking to help/rehabiliate people?  I've seen guys on here say that they like to help women that are having issues?  I used to be attracted to these women myself, but in recent years I've learned that is an unhealthy tendency for men to have.  It's not your job to be anyone's hero, or knight in shining armor.

Maybe you aren't "looking" for these women, but they are attracted to you for some reason.  If so, and you find it difficult to not date these women, then there may be something about yourself that you can change to stop attracting these women and start attracting who you want to date.  I think we're naturally attracted to people that lack what we have, so if you describe yourself as helpful, compassionate, you're probably going to attract a lot of co-dependent, self-absorbed types, just an example.

 

Mark no I will gladly answer, I think talking about this openly with other people is very helpful.

First of all let me say that ive dated quite a few girls where I didn't feel like we were compatible enough, so I generally don't take it to the next level if we simply do not have any interests or other things that are big hurdles.

But in terms of serious relationships, ive only had 4, generally when I do choose a female to be my partner I give it 100% and really try to commit to making the relationship work, because im looking for something long term, a life partner.

First relationship was a bit over 3 years,  the other 3 were quite similar around 1 - 2.5 years.

Why I say I have bad luck? The 1st gf had severe problems with depression, the relationship was good but sometimes she fell into depression for weeks and it was extremely hard, when she was not in depression it was great, but overall it was quite emotionally draining and constant, we then separated because she went to study in another country so it would have been distance and we could see each other very rarely, so we decided to go our separate ways, it was hard because we loved each other alot, but overall it was quite hard with the depression

2nd gf very open and bubbly personality but had anger issues, with me, with family, with friends, she was almost a narcisist but not to that serious extent in that everything was mostly about her, and whenever it was not or something was not how she wanted it to be she threw temper tantrums and anger outbursts against everyone, it was quite tough to deal with at times and it was impossible to talk to her, this was the shortest relationship I had at just about 1 year

3rd gf similar to the 1st one, had depression problems in that at times she was low, no will, unhappy, didn't care about anything etc... and at times she was really open and great and fun.. so it was similar to the 1st relationship alot of ups and downs, emotionally draining.. on top of that she was very undecided, at first she said she wanted x, then suddenly she wanted another thing, once deep into the relationship she came up with that she wants kids at (age at where she is at currently) so basically the same year, and she did not have a job at the moment and we didn't have anything stable yet made, so we kind of viewed at this very differently, I was not even ready to have kids yet on top of the fact that I believe you need to have a stable home and income to think about it, so we drifted apart because of that mostly, but again the deperssion and her mood swings made it also hard.

The last gf had alot of issues, had severe childhood trauma, bad past relationships with abuse and infidelity, she has extremely low self esteem (she admits it herself) and gets very upset or cries if anything happens that she questions herself, she also had a few depression like moments when something was not going perfect in that she wanted to give up her goals or dreams and that nothing matters etc... also had anger outbursts at times when things did not go how she wanted, she was very jealous at times and made stories in her head at times and accused me of things out of the blue and many more things.

 

Now I know im not perfect and also have mistakes and im not looking for a perfect girlfriend, and I have tolerated alot of faults with all these girls that are normal faults that everyone has, and even through these issues with depression and low self esteem and many other ones I tried to stick with them and really give my all and try to make things work as long as possible, but it does seem I attracted quite a few girls with similar "issues" so far, i have no idea why.

I am definitely very compassionate, empathic as a person, maybe that has some effect, but once I do find out about these traits or issues I don't run away, I definitely do want to work it out and put everything into trying to work it out and trying to be there for them through these issues, and try to be very patient and do everything possible for the relationship for a long time.

 

[mark clemson]

Quote

it does seem I attracted quite a few girls with similar "issues" so far, i have no idea why.

Ok, perhaps look into that. Certainly part of that is that there are women like that floating around out there. That said, perhaps you are unconsciously gravitating towards somewhat more problematic ones and then trying to "make it work"?

Perhaps try to work on your "picker" so to speak and maybe not reject the ones who have fewer issues and not accept ones who maybe have more deeply rooted issues. When possible - I certainly agree and respect that it's not always easy to sort out the other person's psychology. I've heard it said around here that it can take six months for the "real them" to emerge (where they're no longer on best behavior in the relationship).

 

[glows]

1 hour ago, LoveComplexity said:

That doesn't help, the first months of the relationships is the honeymoon phase, usually you get to know these things much later into the relationship

That's why you don't overinvest early on to the point of not observing these things in the first one or two years of dating. There are plenty of ways to see whether someone communicates effectively. It starts with listening and seeing whether that person is attentive or present. If YOU are not present, you'll likely miss those signs. It get easier to see with time. 

[dramafreezone]

32 minutes ago, LoveComplexity said:

Why I say I have bad luck? The 1st gf had severe problems with depression, the relationship was good but sometimes she fell into depression for weeks and it was extremely hard, when she was not in depression it was great, but overall it was quite emotionally draining and constant, we then separated because she went to study in another country so it would have been distance and we could see each other very rarely, so we decided to go our separate ways, it was hard because we loved each other alot, but overall it was quite hard with the depression

2nd gf very open and bubbly personality but had anger issues, with me, with family, with friends, she was almost a narcisist but not to that serious extent in that everything was mostly about her, and whenever it was not or something was not how she wanted it to be she threw temper tantrums and anger outbursts against everyone, it was quite tough to deal with at times and it was impossible to talk to her, this was the shortest relationship I had at just about 1 year

3rd gf similar to the 1st one, had depression problems in that at times she was low, no will, unhappy, didn't care about anything etc... and at times she was really open and great and fun.. so it was similar to the 1st relationship alot of ups and downs, emotionally draining.. on top of that she was very undecided, at first she said she wanted x, then suddenly she wanted another thing, once deep into the relationship she came up with that she wants kids at (age at where she is at currently) so basically the same year, and she did not have a job at the moment and we didn't have anything stable yet made, so we kind of viewed at this very differently, I was not even ready to have kids yet on top of the fact that I believe you need to have a stable home and income to think about it, so we drifted apart because of that mostly, but again the deperssion and her mood swings made it also hard.

The last gf had alot of issues, had severe childhood trauma, bad past relationships with abuse and infidelity, she has extremely low self esteem (she admits it herself) and gets very upset or cries if anything happens that she questions herself, she also had a few depression like moments when something was not going perfect in that she wanted to give up her goals or dreams and that nothing matters etc... also had anger outbursts at times when things did not go how she wanted, she was very jealous at times and made stories in her head at times and accused me of things out of the blue and many more things.

Look, everyone deals with depression at some point in their lives.  But this sample size clearly demonstrates a pattern of women that by your account would all benefit from intensive counseling/therapy.  Why would you think these women are suitable relationship partners?  I don't think this is bad luck, you are selecting these women because of some common quality amongst them that you find to be attractive.

Also I think during the infatuation stage maybe you get caught up in all of the fun and you probably just ignore red flags.  We are not *that* good at hiding ourselves.  Everyone reveals themselves, it may be only a small comment early on but we all give a glimpse into our inner psyche.

A lot of people have childhood trauma, but some of them not only seek out the help that they need, they actually learn to lead very successful and healthy lives.  Not to sound callous but her having childhood issues or bad experiences with relationships doesn't mean it's your job to deal with the fallout.  She can't control what happened to her but she can control how she handles it today.  I know you just think you can help them through it but it doesn't work like that.  They have to want to get better.

These women clearly are part of a pattern of yours so that's something you have to evaluate within yourself.  As long as you keep telling yourself that these women "happened to you" and there's nothing you could do about it, well, it's certain that you will keep dating them.  Or, you can take responsibility and understand that you had a part in cultivating these relationships, and make changes to want more for yourself.  You can't want more for these women than they want for themselves.

Quote

I am definitely very compassionate, empathic as a person, maybe that has some effect,

And this is telling.  While these are very noble traits to have, the fact that you say this, indicates to me that this is something you want to project to others, meaning you want it to be seen as your personality.  Something to think about.

Edited May 27, 2022 by dramafreezone