50-50 in relationship

[Carissima]

Hello

im seeking advice or constructive criticism. Im fine with any suggestion as long as it positive and respectful :-) thanks all!

Im  single mom, middle aged, big kids, well established, have a great property, amazing job and superb salary. 6 years after divorce i started dating someone. Younger man (never bothered me) divorced third time, big kids. Definitely Im out of his league by my social status and financial status. Never bothered me as well as I was looking for connection with a man to find a companionship and maybe love. 

Everything started with love bombing which im very suspicious. I love you, I cant live without you, i have to see you every day. We both had COVID and it just happened staying in quarantine that man technically moved to live with me. Hi lives 1.5h form the city, but his job is in the city and he didnt even hide it that tis convenient for him to stay with me overnight and then go to work. Fine. I decided to take a chance and ditched my nephew form the house, loosing income cause he paid his rent monthly. So I lost income kinda, but my BF didn't participate in bill sharing or mortgage sharing. After 2 month i had a talk with him and asked to go back to the 1-2 times a week dating, rather then him staying with me. 

Ok, it was kinda drama, but he accepted. Next month I got 3 Ukrainian refugies in my house as I have Ukrainian roots and my friends sent their grown up kids to me. i t was my choice to get 3 young professionals and support them. Now I have less time, even less money lol but I never asked him to buy a grocery or to take me somewhere. He is definitely taking me out. Well for the 7 month of dating I would guess we went out less than 10 times lol, Im not a bit fun or restaurants but prefer hiking or ski or any other kind of outdoor activity. with time my BF started appear in my house every day again, without officially moving it. Again - he never bought a grocery, never asked to participate in bill sharing. He just was here - sleeping, eating, going to bed with me every day. He started talking about marriage, but Im holding it on. Im not sure if I want to marry ever, and particularly right now that the last thing on my mind. Although he is pushing to get together officially and to get marry one day. I do feel uncomfortable with this kind of pressure and telling him that Im not ready yet.

And yes, he is handy and got some fixes around the house. But house is new lol and dont need a maintenance or extra fixes. Anyways. I do feel awkward when we go hiking driving my car and then getting a question - who is paying for the gas today? I was shocked, honestly. everything came to the point when I got a new project and decided to take vacation. 1 week, cost of 600USD. my BF said that I have to pay for myself but he will go with me. i said that in this case Ill pay for myself but Ill go alone. We had a fight and he left. Came back 3 days after said he loves me and he doesnt understand why I reacted this badly. In his understanding doing laundry, swiping floors, taking me out once a month is great to cover his staying in my house. Leaving me with burden of mortgage, bills, food expenses not to mention 3 more big kids in the house new refugies, trying to adapt and get a job.

Is it double standards of 50/50? What should I do? In my eyes im not worthy 600 dollars to be taken to vacation after 7 month of living together. Or maybe Im an idiot and current north american relationship should be like that? I dont know what to do. Deep down Im hurt but being intelligent I always blame myself first, not the other person. Again this is my first relationship ever after 25 years of marriage and nearly 6 years after divorce. Any advice with be greatly appreciated.

thanks, Caro

 

[Wiseman2]

30 minutes ago, Carissima said:

Everything started with love bombing which im very suspicious.  technically moved to live with me. ditched my nephew form the house, loosing income cause he paid his rent monthly. 

 7 month of dating I would guess we went out less than 10 times. with time my BF started appear in my house every day again, without officially moving it. Again - he never bought a grocery, never asked to participate in bill sharing. He just was here - sleeping, eating, going to bed with me every day. 

We had a fight and he left. Came back 3 days after said he loves me and he doesnt understand why I reacted this badly. In his understanding doing laundry, swiping floors, taking me out once a month is great to cover his staying in my house. Leaving me with burden of mortgage, bills, food expenses not to mention 3 more big kids in the house new refugies, trying to adapt and get a job.

Way too much too soon. It's good you are clearly seeing red flags such as "lovebombing" and freeloading. It's good he left.

Do not let him move back in. Don't marry someone like this and let him slither into your finances. Stop being his sugarmama.

Edited May 27, 2022 by Wiseman2

[glows]

41 minutes ago, Carissima said:

 

Is it double standards of 50/50? What should I do? In my eyes im not worthy 600 dollars to be taken to vacation after 7 month of living together. Or maybe Im an idiot and current north american relationship should be like that? I dont know what to do. Deep down Im hurt but being intelligent I always blame myself first, not the other person. Again this is my first relationship ever after 25 years of marriage and nearly 6 years after divorce. Any advice with be greatly appreciated.

thanks, Caro

 

You're not an idiot, first of all, so don't run yourself down. What you are dealing with is someone incompatible with you on a different wavelength and you're naive or perhaps rusty with dating. He's taking advantage of the situation if he's paying nothing or contributing to nothing. It's also questionable on his part to be doing so as he doesn't own the home. Any work that he puts into the home or home improvements he won't get back if you both break up.

That's why people date those in similar phases or with outlooks/similarities comparable to those in your life. How much younger is he?

The issue is you expected him to take you on vacation when the vacation was your idea, not his. I don't think he should be expected to pay for your vacation but if he did, it would have been a nice gesture out of goodwill.

The major overarching problem you both have is that he and you are in completely dissimilar phases and are incompatible where it comes to your values and ethics. 

Why can't he rent or find a place closer to the city? Be firm in what you will or won't have in your home and if it isn't feasible he will have to find his own place while you date. 

[Carissima]

4 minutes ago, glows said:

You're not an idiot, first of all, so don't run yourself down. What you are dealing with is someone incompatible with you on a different wavelength and you're naive or perhaps rusty with dating. He's taking advantage of the situation if he's paying nothing or contributing to nothing. It's also questionable on his part to be doing so as he doesn't own the home. Any work that he puts into the home or home improvements he won't get back if you both break up.

That's why people date those in similar phases or with outlooks/similarities comparable to those in your life. How much younger is he?

The issue is you expected him to take you on vacation when the vacation was your idea, not his. I don't think he should be expected to pay for your vacation but if he did, it would have been a nice gesture out of goodwill.

The major overarching problem you both have is that he and you are in completely dissimilar phases and are incompatible where it comes to your values and ethics. 

Why can't he rent or find a place closer to the city? Be firm in what you will or won't have in your home and if it isn't feasible he will have to find his own place while you date. 

thank you very much for the feedbak, i do appreciate any view on the situation. I would agree on vacation and on the work that he is doing at the house, I dont want to diminish his investment and to be ungrateful. But his investment is nothing compare to what he is having staying with me in my house. Yes, Im wealthy and I do afraid that men are looking after my house and my income rather then being interested in me as a person. particularly if man is rushing for marriage. If not love bombing, if not rush into marriage - I would believe in pure feelings. But... well. True we are at the different stages of our life, our goals and our feelings. He is 10 years younger if it matters anything. but Im always dating younger men just because I look very young and fit myself. And my job put me on cutting age of technology lol so yes im smart and independent. But not very smart in dating. Well learning lol

[Carissima]

31 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Way too much too soon. It's good you are clearly seeing red flags such as "lovebombing" and freeloading. It's good he left.

Do not let him move back in. Don't marry someone like this and let him slither into your finances. Stop being his sugarmama.

thanks a lot for the reply. Im trying to to overthink the situation but something doesnt really works for me here. Well Ill try to talk and step back to casual dating once per week lol lets see where it goes

[glows]

5 minutes ago, Carissima said:

thank you very much for the feedbak, i do appreciate any view on the situation. I would agree on vacation and on the work that he is doing at the house, I dont want to diminish his investment and to be ungrateful. But his investment is nothing compare to what he is having staying with me in my house. Yes, Im wealthy and I do afraid that men are looking after my house and my income rather then being interested in me as a person. particularly if man is rushing for marriage. If not love bombing, if not rush into marriage - I would believe in pure feelings. But... well. True we are at the different stages of our life, our goals and our feelings. He is 10 years younger if it matters anything. but Im always dating younger men just because I look very young and fit myself. And my job put me on cutting age of technology lol so yes im smart and independent. But not very smart in dating. Well learning lol

There's too much disparity here in the way you view yourself and what you expect of him versus what he is. He's younger with different views and ethics. The longer this goes on the more resentment there will be. 

What you can do is clarify your limits and draw your boundaries.

Be more clear with him and firm that he needs to rent a place close by if you two are to date. You have to make peace with the fact that the way this is going is making you unhappy. If he can't respect your thoughts/wishes then you both will have to go your separate ways. Please don't waste your resources, time, future on someone who makes you unhappy at the bottomline.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Carissima said:

What should I do?

Stop playing his mother and financially supporting him.  You should have told him a long time ago this wasn't working for you and put him out.  

 

1 hour ago, Carissima said:

Definitely Im out of his league by my social status and financial status.

I agree but he probably thinks you're out of your league because he's a younger man and he's doing you a favor.  That is why he doesn't mind letting you pay the bills and he probably expects it the same way a younger woman does from an older man.  You can do better than him and if you keep him around you'll miss out on someone more compatible to you.

[Carissima]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

Stop playing his mother and financially supporting him.  You should have told him a long time ago this wasn't working for you and put him out.  

 

I agree but he probably thinks you're out of your league because he's a younger man and he's doing you a favor.  That is why he doesn't mind letting you pay the bills and he probably expects it the same way a younger woman does from an older man.  You can do better than him and if you keep him around you'll miss out on someone more compatible to you.

thanks a lot for the feedback lol man my age and older dont even get close to me they are thinking Im very young. Well awkward situation but I do see your point of view. thanks a lot for placing your thoughts  I do stay positive and Im so much in balance with myself. i do believe that relationships should be happy. If I feel uncomfortable or unhappy I have to stop it for the sake of my own mental health. 

Cheers, Caro

[Wiseman2]

59 minutes ago, Carissima said:

 i do believe that relationships should be happy. If I feel uncomfortable or unhappy I have to stop it for the sake of my own mental health. 

Good call.. Also what did your adult children think of this mooch?

[Carissima]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Good call.. Also what did your adult children think of this mooch?

You will be laughing but my kids refused to meet him lol they said - mom date at least a year and then we will see. And my kids are wiser than me lol

[glows]

Now that he's back, will he leave or is he staying on?

[Els]

I'm rather perplexed. Have you ever actually ASKED him to pay the bills or groceries? Did he refuse? If you were going to lose income with him moving in and expected him to pay rent to cover that, that's fine.... but why was it not discussed before moving in?

It feels to me like you two have sidestepped an awful lot around the elephant in the room. You are arguing over a vacation while avoiding the actual problem... why?

[basil67]

I agree with the above.  I'd never ask someone to pay for my vacation, but I would have made my expectations about co-habitation clear from the outset. 

Going backwards to casual dating once a week is unfair on him.   And if you have to take a relationship this far backwards, then it's essentially broken anyway.  I suggest you talk about all the issues and work out once and for all if you can be in a relationship with him.  Then either do it with commitment and effort on both your parts or walk away.

 

[salparadise]

I think you need to have a sit-down and talk about expectations. Is he paying rent on another place while staying with you? If so then he probably can't afford to pay for both. Groceries, yes, he should be paying his share based on his income and the proportion (not half if you're feeding refugee's). If he would be spending $325/mo on groceries living alone, that's a starting point. It's also about average in the US for a single person according to the USDA ($229- 419). If you like eating high on the hog because you can afford it, expecting him to cover half is probably not going to work. What is usually suggested is to divide proportionately.

[ ] My guess is that this isn't going to work out because you're sensitized now, and he can't afford to keep up with your lifestyle. And based on what you wrote, it sounds like he's filling the boyfriend vacancy more than this being an emotional, romantic association.

Edited May 28, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
doesn't address first post

[Wiseman2]

20 hours ago, Carissima said:

.He lives 1.5h form the city, but his job is in the city and he didnt even hide it that tis convenient for him to stay with me overnight and then go to work. 

Yes. It's understandable your adult kids aren't impressed. When someone brazenly  announces that they view you as a convenient free BNB, it's time to kick them to the curb.

Forget rhetorical sexist debating. He is a user plain and simple.

[Gaeta]

Nothing wrong dating younger men if it's your preference but date those who can pull their own weight financially. Personally I don't aim at 50/50 in a relationship but I am looking for an honest contribution. If you make 4 times what he makes he cannot cover half of your bills, forget about that. He should get randomly to your place with grocery bags once in a while though. 

In this case here, this guy is looking for a free ride, I'd let him go. 

 

[dramafreezone]

On 5/27/2022 at 6:51 AM, Carissima said:

Im  single mom, middle aged, big kids, well established, have a great property, amazing job and superb salary. 6 years after divorce i started dating someone. Younger man (never bothered me) divorced third time, big kids. Definitely Im out of his league by my social status and financial status. Never bothered me as well as I was looking for connection with a man to find a companionship and maybe love. 

 

Hmmmm, while I do understand what you mean, this is a bit telling.  It's problematic to begin a relationship on the premise of leagues.  If you're begin dating someone that you see is beneath you, then there will be problems from the get go.  Love doesn't come from the thin air.  It's based on mutual respect between the two partners.  You're not looking for someone with qualities that don't "bother" you, right?  You're looking for qualities that are desirable, that compliment your own qualities.  So the fact that you began this relationship with a low level of respect for his station in life to me means that lasting love would be difficult to establish.

In TV and movies there's reasons why they hold casting sessions.  It's because certain actors can play a role better than others and it takes time to find the right fit.  Dating is essentially casting for relationships.  What is it about this guy that convinced you that he could fulfill the role that you wanted him to have in your life?  I'm not seeing anything based on what you've shared, but it had to be something since you ended up with him, and there are hundreds of other random guys out there that you could've chosen but didn't. 

I also don't think it's realistic to expect 50/50 from someone when you outearn them by such a significant margin, which goes back to my first point, you knew he did not meet this standard, so why expect it to change later? 

Edited May 28, 2022 by dramafreezone

[Calmandfocused]

Agree with Dramafree above. 
 

Op you are at least 50% for setting the dynamic here. You very much give the; “I’m so much better than him” vibe. The disrespect is dripping in certain parts of your opening post. 
 

Meanwhile, your boyfriend is clearly looking at you to fulfil his needs outside the boundaries of a usual romantic relationship. I’ve no doubt this  is part of your “appeal”.
 

You keep saying how much younger you look but I think its nothing to do with how you look, and everything to do with your ability to “take care” of him. (ie your bank balance). 
 

This is a disaster waiting to happen. 
 

In order for a relationship to work there has to be equality. This doesn’t mean you have to have the same wealth. Equality means you are both equal teamplayers that compliment and are compatible with each other. 
 

You have no equality in this relationship. You are his “Mummy” and your boyfriend needs his mummy to take care of him and support him financially. 
 

This dynamic won’t change. The unhealthy dependance is too entrenched.

You either accept the relationship as it is, or you don’t.
 

It won’t change

Your choice.  
 

 

 

[Alvi]

On 5/27/2022 at 7:51 AM, Carissima said:

We both had COVID and it just happened staying in quarantine that man technically moved to live with me.

I think this is a problem of your own making I am afraid. OK,  before he technically moved in, why on earth you didn't sit him down and two of you didn't discuss the expectations. From both sides. You talk, he talk, you come to a compromise. It is not unusual, before people actually start living together, they talk about finances, bills, who pays for what, how house chores are going to be allocated and such. You automatically assumed that when he moves in, he is going to help you with your mortgage, groceries, cover your gas bills, pay for your vacation, etc...He on another hand, assumed that cleaning your house and talking you out once a month is more than enough for him. How much can he actually afford? Let's say, as an example,  he was spending a $1,000 dollars per month for his rent, gas and groceries. You cannot expect him to start spending $3,0000 dollars (this is just an example, it could be less or more) in order for things to be 50-50. It is not fair for him. But he is probably should be spending roughly $1,000 dollars to cover the cost of bills and groceries. Another question would be is how much is he paying for child spousal support. Since he was married three times, I can imagine that paying one or perhaps all three ex-wives could be very expensive.

I think you (the two of you actually) need to come up with a very realistic plan of who is paying for what, based on what he can afford, and follow it. Or end it, if you think that he is after a free ride.

But in regality, I think you need someone who is in your league or above it and he needs a sugar mama who is going to pay for him entirely in exchange for him doing the house chores.

On 5/27/2022 at 7:51 AM, Carissima said:

Again - he never bought a grocery, never asked to participate in bill sharing.

If you are talking about marriage, this is a perfect time to start asking him to pitch in.  But again, be very realistic. Forget about some gas bills and wanting him to pay for your vacation.

On 5/27/2022 at 7:51 AM, Carissima said:

Leaving me with burden of mortgage, bills, food expenses not to mention 3 more big kids in the house new refugies, trying to adapt and get a job.

Mortgage - I don't think he should be paying your mortgage. Afraid, this is not his burden. Why on earth should he be paying for a house that doesn't have his name on it. I would be having problem if a man is expecting me to help him out with a mortgage bills. In that retrospect, his mortgage bills decrease and what do I get in return? Nothing at all, since the place still would not be mine. Perhaps he should pay you a lease, but how much is another story. But no, he should not be helping you with your mortgage.

Bills - Yes, absolutely, he should be helping you with some. But again, how much is something that the two of you would need to work out.

3 more big kids - Why on earth do you think that he has to pay for the kids that your friends sent you? This is beyond unfair to him. Since you have accepted them, they are your problem or so to speak. It is all good and noble that you took them in but don't expect him to cover any bills for them.

[Weezy1973]

Sounds to me like you’ve got a “trophy” boyfriend. Young and hot. But that means you’ll need to fund his lifestyle. While some men are more than happy to make that trade off, women seem to see it as problematic…

[Wiseman2]

15 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

Sounds to me like you’ve got a “trophy” boyfriend. 

Agree. Do your adult children think he's a gigolo?

[salparadise]

On 5/27/2022 at 8:09 PM, salparadise said:

Edited May 29, 2022 by salparadise

[smackie9]

 OK the first big red flag is him being divorced 3 times and is taking marriage. That's where I stop. Give your head a shake and boot him to the curb.

[Amanda92]

I used to date me that make more money, so they usually take me out, but sometimes I bought grocery, cooked dinner or gave them a gift. It shouldn't me 50-50, but he is using you! He lived in your place for free and you go out so rarely! Never accept that.