flitzanu Posted May 27, 2022 Posted May 27, 2022 i'm not in the situation you're describing, so maybe this is moot. i tried to date a "separated" girl once that was never fixing her marriage they didn't live together, etc etc. guess what happened?
BrinnM Posted May 28, 2022 Posted May 28, 2022 On 5/27/2022 at 10:33 AM, smackie9 said: Just to be practical have him as a friend, and date other people. Investing at this time would be a risk. That’s what I would do as well. At least he’s honest. He’s dating others. He’s not divorced. He wants you as a friend (at first anyways; and he’ll see later how it develops; which is code for “I don’t want to seriously date you”) …… There’s not much wiggle room for interpretation I would say. 4
Author Ariesgirly Posted June 7, 2022 Author Posted June 7, 2022 Updates here…it’s over. He asked me to go on a weekend trip with him. I made the mistake of posting a photo on my personal and private Instagram story of our trip “without his consent” and he freaked out on me. Apparently we had a mutual friend we didn’t know about who saw and he reached out to him asking how he knew me. His biggest concern was who else we might both know and might now think we are together. He could not comprehend how I would think it’s okay, made me delete it and again did the “we are strangers bla bla bla” I was like we’re strangers but you asked me on a getaway?!!” Make up your mind dude. But he started throwing low blows calling me insecure and needing attention. He wants to buy me gifts, introduce me to his friends, and take me on weekend getaways but the second I want to be exclusive we are suddenly strangers and don’t know each other at all in his mind. Feels like he is hiding me. so I had him take me back the two hour drive home and left him for the night. He tried to reach out the next day as if nothing happened and since I wouldn’t let it go he said the pressure I am putting on him is too much. I do think that even if I waited a few more months to get to know him it would have been the same story. There are too many unspoken rules in his head. 1
assertives Posted June 7, 2022 Posted June 7, 2022 His behaviour tells you all you need to know. He is very much a married man. Please block him and stay away from him. You can do so much better than this. It's only been a few months, don't waste anymore life on him. 2
Calmandfocused Posted June 7, 2022 Posted June 7, 2022 A married man! He panicked because you nearly blew his cover. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted June 7, 2022 Posted June 7, 2022 (edited) 12 hours ago, Ariesgirly said: I made the mistake of posting a photo on my personal and private Instagram story of our trip “without his consent” and he freaked out on me. Apparently we had a mutual friend we didn’t know about who saw and he reached out to him asking how he knew me. His biggest concern was who else we might both know and might now think we are together. He could not comprehend how I would think it’s okay, made me delete it and again did the “we are strangers bla bla bla” This is man is not single. Whether he and his wife have been reconciling, or he's got another girlfriend...he is not single. I guarantee it. Edited June 7, 2022 by ExpatInItaly 4
glows Posted June 7, 2022 Posted June 7, 2022 12 hours ago, Ariesgirly said: Updates here…it’s over. He asked me to go on a weekend trip with him. I made the mistake of posting a photo on my personal and private Instagram story of our trip “without his consent” and he freaked out on me. Apparently we had a mutual friend we didn’t know about who saw and he reached out to him asking how he knew me. His biggest concern was who else we might both know and might now think we are together. He could not comprehend how I would think it’s okay, made me delete it and again did the “we are strangers bla bla bla” I was like we’re strangers but you asked me on a getaway?!!” Make up your mind dude. But he started throwing low blows calling me insecure and needing attention. He wants to buy me gifts, introduce me to his friends, and take me on weekend getaways but the second I want to be exclusive we are suddenly strangers and don’t know each other at all in his mind. Feels like he is hiding me. so I had him take me back the two hour drive home and left him for the night. He tried to reach out the next day as if nothing happened and since I wouldn’t let it go he said the pressure I am putting on him is too much. I do think that even if I waited a few more months to get to know him it would have been the same story. There are too many unspoken rules in his head. Don't respond to him anymore. It's terrible that he gets to be moody and accuse you of many things and then ignores his own behaviour towards you. It's a constant onslaught of being blamed for his own poor choices. What a big baby! 1
IrinaM Posted June 7, 2022 Posted June 7, 2022 13 hours ago, Ariesgirly said: He tried to reach out the next day as if nothing happened gaslighting^^^^ 13 hours ago, Ariesgirly said: he said the pressure I am putting on him is too much blameshifting^^^ The fact that he's married is only part of the problem, a small part. fwiw, the most abusive man i have ever been involved with was always telling me that he was skeptical there might be something wrong with me, that he was waiting for the other shoe to drop, because of XYZ. He really enjoyed keeping a certain power dynamic in our relationship whereby I felt I had to show him I was not defective. Please don't take this guy back!!! 5
BrinnM Posted June 7, 2022 Posted June 7, 2022 (edited) 17 hours ago, Ariesgirly said: but the second I want to be exclusive we are suddenly strangers But he does not want to be exclusive - that's what he has told you all along. Why are you surprised? He didn't lie to you. He asked you to go on a weekend trip, and you agreed – cool – but that STILL doesn't mean you're exclusive. You knew he is not ready, you knew he might be dating others/play the filed/enjoy himself (after getting out of a marriage). I find it a little unfair that you are blaming him now. He never promised you anything, and even if he buys you gifts and introduces you to friends, so what? He might buy gifts for other girls, too, and/or introduce them to friends and family. But – again – you knew that... and it's hardly his fault that you want more. You're like friends with benefits, IMO. And you should have asked him if he is okay with his picture posted on your IG as well. I don't know, that's just common sense. Edited June 7, 2022 by BrinnM 2
Author Ariesgirly Posted June 7, 2022 Author Posted June 7, 2022 On 5/27/2022 at 11:26 AM, flitzanu said: i'm not in the situation you're describing, so maybe this is moot. i tried to date a "separated" girl once that was never fixing her marriage they didn't live together, etc etc. guess what happened? 9 minutes ago, BrinnM said: But he does not want to be exclusive - that's what he has told you all along. Why are you surprised? He didn't lie to you. He asked you to go on a weekend trip, and you agreed – cool – but that STILL doesn't mean you're exclusive. You knew he is not ready, you knew he might be dating others/play the filed/enjoy himself (after getting out of a marriage). I find it a little unfair that you are blaming him now. He never promised you anything, and even if he buys you gifts and introduces you to friends, so what? He might buy gifts for other girls, too, and/or introduce them to friends and family. But – again – you knew that... and it's hardly his fault that you want more. You're like friends with benefits, IMO. And you should have asked him if he is okay with his picture posted on your IG as well. I don't know, that's just common sense. I don’t know. I have never introduced anyone to my friends unless I am serious about them. I don’t buy men gifts and I sure as hell don’t travel with people I’m not serious about. I definitely am not OK with him Basically running the show of what goes on it the situation Or telling me what I can or can’t can’t post on my own social media . Not OK with being someone’s placeholder until they find something better. 3
stillafool Posted June 7, 2022 Posted June 7, 2022 On 5/26/2022 at 1:44 PM, Wiseman2 said: So many red flags. Still married. Lied about it. Puts you down for not being married/having kids. Runs hot/cold. It's only 45 days. Save yourself a lot of headaches and heartaches and cut to your losses. I agree. On 5/26/2022 at 12:56 PM, Ariesgirly said: There is a strong comfort level with him and my gut tells me this is someone who is going to play an important role in my life. I don't see how you ever came to that conclusion just because you both enjoy music and drinking beer.
Wiseman2 Posted June 7, 2022 Posted June 7, 2022 9 minutes ago, Ariesgirly said: telling me what I can or can’t can’t post on my own social media . Not OK with being someone’s placeholder until they find something better. On top of the other red flags, such as being married, not wanting a relationship, etc., he's keeping you a secret. Don't tolerate such disrespect. He's a turd. 2
BrinnM Posted June 7, 2022 Posted June 7, 2022 (edited) 2 hours ago, Ariesgirly said: I have never introduced anyone to my friends unless I am serious about them. I don’t buy men gifts and I sure as hell don’t travel with people I’m not serious about. Well, but that’s you. And he’s him. You can’t assume everybody thinks and acts like you. I totally go on trips with friends, even opposite sex friends. Doesn’t mean we’re romantic or anything. And again - he was pretty clear from the start. All he can do is tell you the truth; you seem to interpret things incorrectly, things that have never even been said, never been confirmed, never been promised, so in my opinion that’s totally on you (wishful thinking). If you feel like a placeholder, and if you like him more than he likes you, or in a different way, then you need to withdraw. If it hurts you, go! But it’s unfair to blame him for your feelings and your expectations, because he’s never made a secret as to what his intentions are (or what they are not). 1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said: he's keeping you a secret No he’s not. He’s introducing her to friends. He’s just not introducing her as a serious girlfriend, which is totally congruent with what he’s telling her. I don’t see what he’s doing wrong. He’s completely transparent as to how he sees this relationship. Edited June 7, 2022 by BrinnM
stillafool Posted June 7, 2022 Posted June 7, 2022 2 hours ago, Ariesgirly said: Not OK with being someone’s placeholder until they find something better. Actually that is why people date. Unfortunately we don't always find our life's mate by just going out with one person. We date to find that person who enhances our lives in a way that we want to spend the rest of our lives with them. Most people have to kiss many frogs before they find that person and it's nothing against the ones we didn't chose or didn't chose us. It's just the way it is.
ExpatInItaly Posted June 8, 2022 Posted June 8, 2022 8 hours ago, Ariesgirly said: I have never introduced anyone to my friends unless I am serious about them. I don’t buy men gifts and I sure as hell don’t travel with people I’m not serious about. Yes, you would never do these things. But you're learning the tough way that there are all types out there, and you can't expect that everyone will think and operate the way you do. He isn't you. I can see why you're disappointed about his reaction, but the red flags were there. And now this. He is not the guy for you. Cut all contact and listen to your gut next time it tries to warn you about someone.
NuevoYorko Posted June 8, 2022 Posted June 8, 2022 (edited) Never mind. I hadn't read to the end. It's for the best. Mainly because he told you at the start he wasn't ready for a relationship. Sounds like his separation was not quite as etched in stone as he'd made out. Edited June 8, 2022 by NuevoYorko
Mrin Posted June 8, 2022 Posted June 8, 2022 Don't. Walk away. Just don't. Dude here. Had a long divorce. Started dating a few weeks after separation. Was I ready? Absolutely not. Was a complete disaster but you have to start somewhere. I probably was ready to casually date pretty quickly but didn't even understand what that term meant lol. I probably wasn't ready to be in a relationship for a good 2 years. It was a combination of time and, well for lack of a better term, the amount of women I had *ahem* casually dated. From your update - it sounds like he has a TON of red flags. Move along. 1
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