Dating a Separated Man-need perspective!

[Ariesgirly]

Let me start off by saying that I am looking for advice and perspective from people who are divorced from long time marriages. I am having trouble navigating a new relationship with someone Who was in a 16 year marriage and has two kids. 
 

The man that I have been dating for the last month and a half is separated, not divorced. He was very clear that they have not been together for a year and a half nor do they have plans to reconcile. It was a long time coming as they got married very young. They just have not moved forward with the divorce process due to finances and the kids. He waited until our second date to tell me this after we had already hit it off.
 

Typically this would be a deal breaker for me and I usually don’t want to date someone even with kids, but him and I just seem to have personalities that click, and have bonded a lot over our taste in music and Our love for going to breweries. There is a strong comfort level with him and my gut tells me this is someone who is going to play an important role in my life.

The first few weeks he seemed very skeptical about me as he was acting like there was something wrong with me for never being married with a family. He has been doing the app dating for a bit and said he has met a lot of weirdos and waiting for the other shoe to drop with me. He made a comment that most people in their 30s are already taken and it’s weird someone hasn’t taken me already.  Personally having kids has never been on my to do list, and I feel that I have ended up in relationships with the wrong people. I have a great paying job, take care of myself mentally and physically, have an active social life, And I can honestly say I am at the happiest point in my life. 
 

it seems like he has kind of gotten over that “trying to figure out what’s wrong with me “and we have just been having a great time together. All of our dates have been several hours long, with a couple sleepovers, and this past weekend we met each other‘s friends for the first time, and spent almost a full 24 hours together. He showed me a text from one of the friends I met Saying that I was a keeper and that him and his wife loved me. Seems like that initiated some sort of comfort in him and for three days straight I got the good morning text first thing in the morning and he was sending me photos of everything he was doing during the day. He was much more talkative than normal.
 

From the get-go, we have pretty much touched base every day, but there have been a few times where after a great date, he seems to back off and become distant. Earlier this week we made plans to hang out tonight and he asked me to come meet up with him and his friends on Saturday. This would be the first time we were hanging out twice in one week. I also sent him a link to a beer festival I want to go to with him in three weekends from now, and he said “we will discuss “then the next day didn’t hear from him at all. I have been racking my brains trying to figure out if I said or did something wrong. Am I moving too fast trying to make plans a few weeks out?

I’m really having trouble navigating what’s going on in this guys mind. It seems like we take two steps forward and one step back every time I feel like things are going great.
 

I guess what I am asking from people who have been in long marriages before, is this typical push and pull behavior from someone learning to date again? How long did it take you to start dating someone again?

 

 

Edited May 26, 2022 by Ariesgirly
Spelling

[central]

I started dating a month after I moved out after 24 years of marriage.  It did take me time to figure out how to date again, and how to decide if someone was a good match.  I was sure I wasn't going to reconcile with my ex, too - there was nothing she could do that I'd trust at that point.  Anyway, I dated a lot of women in a short time, and soon met my future wife.  It took a long time for my divorce to process, so we decided to live together while the divorce worked its way through.  We're happily together 22 years later.

My wife had been married with kids, but was divorced when I met her.  I also dated many women who'd never been married and never had kids, which I thought was great.  Of course, there was initially a question about their ability to commit, or if their priorities really included a relationship, but those were easily resolved (a couple of them never did marry or have a lasting relationship, so it's not unreasonable to question suitability).

[glows]

I don't think everyone is the same as you may assume. I also dated and married a separated/married man. We later divorced. What it does sound like is that you feel slightly insecure and uneasy that he's separated and not divorced. 

It's odd that he would focus on trying to find something wrong with you. That's a poor mindset and negative to start, a little too jaded, personally.

Did either of you discuss exclusivity? 

[Ariesgirly]

17 minutes ago, glows said:

I don't think everyone is the same as you may assume. I also dated and married a separated/married man. We later divorced. What it does sound like is that you feel slightly insecure and uneasy that he's separated and not divorced. 

It's odd that he would focus on trying to find something wrong with you. That's a poor mindset and negative to start, a little too jaded, personally.

Did either of you discuss exclusivity? 

He’s not ready. He Is very focused on developing a friendship with someone and seeing where it goes. I guess I am confused at what point does it go somewhere. Because it’s very clear to me this is. If it were up to me I would be exclusive at this point. I don’t need to be in a relationship but I like him enough to know I want to pursue things with him

[FMW]

I divorced after 23 years of marriage.  It took me several years to feel ready for an involved and committed relationship again.  During that time I was involved in relationships that I knew weren't going anywhere because that was what I was comfortable with.  

Personally, I don't think I would see someone who's still married to someone else, regardless of the reasons why, as a viable prospect for more than a casual relationship.  People with kids, shared property and intermingled finances divorce every day.  I think I would see his marital status as a convenient way for him to avoid serious involvement with anyone else.  

[glows]

8 minutes ago, Ariesgirly said:

He’s not ready. He Is very focused on developing a friendship with someone and seeing where it goes. I guess I am confused at what point does it go somewhere. Because it’s very clear to me this is. If it were up to me I would be exclusive at this point. I don’t need to be in a relationship but I like him enough to know I want to pursue things with him

Then you'll have to take into account him speaking to and meeting/dating other women at this point. 

Regardless of where he is in processing his divorce or the moral/ethical dilemma of whether to date or not to date separated individuals, that's another topic altogether but I understand it does affect you and how assured you feel of the whole scenario. 

The main point is that he is talking/meeting with other women and you should do the same. Don't overinvest in someone who's just not on the same page as you or remember to keep it in mind that you both may be incompatible to start.

[Wiseman2]

44 minutes ago, Ariesgirly said:

They just have not moved forward with the divorce process due to finances and the kids. He waited until our second date to tell me this after we had already hit it off. he seemed very skeptical about me as he was acting like there was something wrong with me for never being married with a family. He has been doing the app dating for a bit and said he has met a lot of weirdos and waiting for the other shoe to drop with me. He made a comment that most people in their 30s are already taken and it’s weird someone hasn’t taken me already. 

So many red flags. Still married. Lied about it. Puts you down for not being married/having kids. Runs hot/cold.

It's only 45 days. Save yourself a lot of headaches and heartaches and cut to your losses.

[daphne]

OP,

I'll cut to the chase.  You're preoccupied with the guy's behaviors and not whether or not he is capable of meeting your needs.  This sets you up for an extremely unhealthy dynamic.  I know because I've been there. 

I highly recommend you get the book and read it twice "Dating the Divorced Man."  I wish I had and saved myself years stress and rescuing.

The odds are that you will end up miserable.  No matter how optimistic and good natured you may be.  Just No.  It's never worth it.  

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Ariesgirly said:

he seemed very skeptical about me as he was acting like there was something wrong with me for never being married with a family. He has been doing the app dating for a bit and said he has met a lot of weirdos and waiting for the other shoe to drop with me. He made a comment that most people in their 30s are already taken and it’s weird someone hasn’t taken me already.

I would be very turned off by his attitude there. It's pretty insulting, actually. 

It also strongly suggests that he's way too guarded to be ready to open up to another woman yet. He's seeing you through a filter of suspicion and mistrust already, and indicates his worldview is on the narrow side. Plenty of people have other priorities than getting married and having babies. This all tells me that he struggles to see and accept perspectives that differ from his own. 

I am not sure I would be too eager to continue with this man, personally. 

[chillii]

6 hours ago, central said:

I started dating a month after I moved out after 24 years of marriage.  It did take me time to figure out how to date again, and how to decide if someone was a good match.  I was sure I wasn't going to reconcile with my ex, too - there was nothing she could do that I'd trust at that point.  Anyway, I dated a lot of women in a short time, and soon met my future wife.  It took a long time for my divorce to process, so we decided to live together while the divorce worked its way through.  We're happily together 22 years later.

That was really nice to hear about central and it just goes to show. l would've thought all that would be the worst thing to do and only mess you up but there ya go, it all worked out for you, great stuff. l did the opposite and didn't go near women for 3 or might've been yrs but then again , l just didn't feel like it.

Just to op , bit soon to be bothering with all the friends and stuff there's no hurry for things like that. But he sounds like reality is hitting him atm. lt's hard to say right now it might be too soon for him everyone is different and as central has said, these things do work out, but others don't and need time. He might just need to slow it down a bit and l mean even without any of that you don't know about you two as yet anyway, only been 6wks.

Edited May 26, 2022 by chillii

[BaileyB]

I’ve told my story before - when I met my partner, he had been separated for two years and he told me that the marriage had been dead for several years before that. He told me that he had dated one other woman before me. I didn’t know this at the time, but he was in the process of signing divorce papers when we met. He had a young son. 

We hit it off well and we “dated” through much of the summer. We both said we wanted to take things slow, but as the dates went by I started wanting to see some forward progression. As I began to ask, he told me that he had thought about it and decided that he was not ready to have a serious relationship - and didn’t know when he would be ready. We said goodbye as friends, because I wanted to find a relationship and I didn’t really want to “date” a man who didn’t have the same intention. 

A year and a half later, he sent me an email. He had started to date again and although the women were great - he found himself always thinking about me and wondering what might have been… We have been together for six years now and we just built our own home. He says today that he thought he was ready to date but he wasn’t ready for an yet hung serious because he had things he needed to work out - financially, he needed to get his son settled and establish a new coparenting relationship with his ex, and he had to deal with his anger toward his ex wife. He says now that we likely wouldn’t be together today if we had stayed together then. 

So my advice, if I was to offer anything, is to take it slow and be prepared that it may not work out. There are good reasons why separated men don’t make good boyfriends - they have a lot to deal with their wife and their children. I don’t know that two years and a long time before that makes any difference - there is something about singing the papers and the fact that he is still legally married to another woman that really means something… whether they/you want to believe it or not. I was naive to the fact, I believed what he said to me at the time. I now know differently.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

Don’t be stupid girl. No just no.

Not only is he not divorced, but nothing has even started!  Like no divorce filings have even been done?  Is that right?

if you get serious with him the way things are now, what incentive does he have to file? How many years of your life do you want to waste with a married man who is not yours?  I know it is only a piece of paper but that marriage binds him to another woman legally, financially etc and it will eventually get to you.
 

ok so aside from that, you are expecting way too much too soon.  It has only been a month and a half!  You are still only dating.  So don’t over invest.  You are rushing things and hence why he backs off.

‘Him acting like a boyfriend is just the way he is because he has been a husband for over xx years.  Do not mistake these actions as him wanting commitment.  It is what he knows.  You should continue to treat him like a stranger until at least the 3 month mark and by then only continue if you are exclusive.

[Lotsgoingon]

Don't ask what is "typical" for any situation. Just ask, "do I like this behavior?" And "do I feel safe and secure with this behavior."

You are not there to escort someone through the ups and downs of separation and divorce. If you find him inconsistent, that's enough. Stop there.

 

 

[Alvi]

7 hours ago, Ariesgirly said:

He’s not ready. He Is very focused on developing a friendship with someone and seeing where it goes. I guess I am confused at what point does it go somewhere. Because it’s very clear to me this is. If it were up to me I would be exclusive at this point. I don’t need to be in a relationship but I like him enough to know I want to pursue things with him

Seems to me that you want to accept whatever crumbs he decides to throw your way. Oh, wait, he may decide not to throw any crumbs your way after all. He is still married, so technically, you are his mistress. There is just no way to go around that one.  Are you sure there are no better candidates out there?

7 hours ago, Ariesgirly said:

The first few weeks he seemed very skeptical about me as he was acting like there was something wrong with me for never being married with a family. He has been doing the app dating for a bit and said he has met a lot of weirdos and waiting for the other shoe to drop with me. He made a comment that most people in their 30s are already taken and it’s weird someone hasn’t taken me already. 

Seriously? You've got to be kidding me here. You are the one who should be very skeptical of him and his motives, not the other way around. So, he is saying that never  married with no kids is actually worse that being married and divorced and paying tons of child and spousal support? Oh, he is not even divorced yet. Can't believe the audacity of this guy. He is saying that there is something wrong with you since nobody wanted to marry you???? What the heck? I am surprised you didn't run away like your hair is on fire from that one. He sure knows how to charm a woman (kidding). Just wondering what those weirdos that he met on-line are saying about him? That he is a even weirder that they are, lol?

[Alvi]

11 minutes ago, S2B said:

tell him when he actually gets the D finalized - you’ll see him again.

That could take years. No way the OP should sit around and wait for this guy to get his divorce. Date other people as well.

[Alvi]

2 hours ago, BaileyB said:

I’ve told my story before - when I met my partner, he had been separated for two years and he told me that the marriage had been dead for several years before that. He told me that he had dated one other woman before me. I didn’t know this at the time, but he was in the process of signing divorce papers when we met. He had a young son. 

We hit it off well and we “dated” through much of the summer. We both said we wanted to take things slow, but as the dates went by I started wanting to see some forward progression. As I began to ask, he told me that he had thought about it and decided that he was not ready to have a serious relationship - and didn’t know when he would be ready. We said goodbye as friends, because I wanted to find a relationship and I didn’t really want to “date” a man who didn’t have the same intention. 

A year and a half later, he sent me an email. He had started to date again and although the women were great - he found himself always thinking about me and wondering what might have been… We have been together for six years now and we just built our own home. He says today that he thought he was ready to date but he wasn’t ready for an yet hung serious because he had things he needed to work out - financially, he needed to get his son settled and establish a new coparenting relationship with his ex, and he had to deal with his anger toward his ex wife. He says now that we likely wouldn’t be together today if we had stayed together then. 

So my advice, if I was to offer anything, is to take it slow and be prepared that it may not work out. There are good reasons why separated men don’t make good boyfriends - they have a lot to deal with their wife and their children. I don’t know that two years and a long time before that makes any difference - there is something about singing the papers and the fact that he is still legally married to another woman that really means something… whether they/you want to believe it or not. I was naive to the fact, I believed what he said to me at the time. I now know differently.

Glad it worked out for you. I do believe you have to be in a right mind-frame if you want to find a serious partner. But I am curious, did you wait for this guy or did you date others? Did you just happen to be single when he messaged you?

[Ami1uwant]

9 hours ago, Ariesgirly said:

He’s not ready. He Is very focused on developing a friendship with someone and seeing where it goes. I guess I am confused at what point does it go somewhere. Because it’s very clear to me this is. If it were up to me I would be exclusive at this point. I don’t need to be in a relationship but I like him enough to know I want to pursue things with him

Take a step back from this relationship forthe moment…..

Ive known people who were legally separated for a long time due to kids and health insurance reasons.

i was married and divorced after 6 yrs of marriage. Because we had strain in the relationship ( long story) I was able to move on and date rather quickly after the divorce. Our divorce was quick because of where I live. We were divorced after 4 months.  We did not have kids or a bunch of stuff inner twined 

How long is a separated/ divorcee ready to date again???  It depends greatly on things like how it ended— was it a slow drift, was it mutual agreed after a talk, was one blindsided.  What were the problems in the marriage?  Married young and grew apart or  did trust get broken due to being caught cheating? How did the divorce proceedings go..was it easy or difficult.  Given they have kids..how old are they and does it complicate life like one does or diesnt want kids or their ages are in different points in life where there is a difference in toddlers vs teens.

As for your situation……

 

you don’t know if youare ready to date until you date.  I’d be concerned if he got married so young, he doesn’t know what he e en wants. If he had dated in his 20s, had an idea established on what he likes , got married/ divorced, he would still have a baseline in mind.  If he dated his high school sweetheart and they married he does not have this baseline set.  He likeky wants to date around befire jumping back into marriage.

 

he might be doubting you because you seem to perfect and since he is naive in dating he’s unsure.  He also coukd have doubts himself because he has found himself comparing you to his current wife as a benchmark.

 

he is questioning you where to him the norm was getting married young and not being single.

 

i would have concerns with someone who was in their mid 30s, not married, AND not had any serious relationships.

Edited May 27, 2022 by Ami1uwant

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Alvi said:

Glad it worked out for you. I do believe you have to be in a right mind-frame if you want to find a serious partner. But I am curious, did you wait for this guy or did you date others? Did you just happen to be single when he messaged you?

I thought he may contact me again, but I wasn’t really expecting it - if you know what I mean. It felt like he was ready to date again but he wasn’t really expecting to find someone with whom he could have a serious relationship - I think it surprised him. I had no interest in dating a man who didn’t want a serious relationship - to me, that was a waste of time and it held me back from actually putting my time and energy into finding want what I really wanted. 

Life is funny though, I actually didn’t date during the time that we were apart even though that was my intention. I was just busy living my life - I went to Europe for a month, I finally made the decision to buy a new home and just after I moved in - he sent me that email. It had actually just occurred to me that I should put some energy into dating - I had just started to really think about looking for opportunities when he turned up again. 

So no, I would most definitely not sit around and wait for the man - I would advise OP to live her life and date other people. I guess, my word of warning is that the process of separation and divorce takes a long time and there is often a lot to unpack. I was sceptical when he told me he was separated and finalizing his divorce. But, I trusted what he told me when he tried to reassure me that the marriage had been over for a long time and he was really ready to move on. That was a little naive.  I don’t know that it really matters how long the marriage has been bad or how long they have been separated. Separated means - not divorced. Proceed with caution. Keep your expectations in check. It’s a time of transition - he is navigating this time of uncertainty during the end of his marriage and this new time in life as you are - with no idea what the future holds for him. If it doesn’t feel right, it’s not right. There is likely more going on than you know.

Also OP, my guy told me a few times that he couldn’t figure out how I was still single/never married when we first met. It took him a long time to trust me - in part, because his ex-wife has mental health issues and the marriage was really unhealthy. Little things would happen and he would say - “you are not angry about this? You are not jealous of my coworker? You would really do this for me?” I felt like I had to earn his trust - he did not give it quickly despite the fact that he is a very secure and wonderful person. The marriage and the divorce really messed with him.

Edited May 27, 2022 by BaileyB

[Lotsgoingon]

I would stay away from separated people. The difference between separated and divorced is the difference between "we plan to get married" and "we are getting married next week at X location." Huge difference.

Frankly lots of separated people are not emotionally ready to date seriously, even if they think they are. Often separated people just want some casual fun for a while while they recover and take a breather. 

 

[chillii]

12 hours ago, Ariesgirly said:

He’s not ready. He Is very focused on developing a friendship with someone and seeing where it goes. I guess I am confused at what point does it go somewhere. Because it’s very clear to me this is. If it were up to me I would be exclusive at this point. I don’t need to be in a relationship but I like him enough to know I want to pursue things with him

 

Well with this which l didn;t read earlier, he's told you he's not ready and what he'd like to start soooo, the ball is in your court really from here anyway. As to whether you wanna hang around, try friends, he gets back you in 12mths or whatever, all something you wanna think about but right now l wouldn't be holding my breath sorry. He really doesn't know what he's about right now.

But yeah, him carrying on about you not having been married as yet. lt does depend on ages but at the same time he was also downright arrogant and presumptuous on all that with the way he went on and sounded very narrow.

 

 

 

Edited May 27, 2022 by chillii

[Wiseman2]

14 hours ago, Ariesgirly said:

The first few weeks he seemed very skeptical about me as he was acting like there was something wrong with me for never being married with a family.  

it seems like he has kind of gotten over that “trying to figure out what’s wrong with me “

 And he's on best behavior? He's critical and bitter. And that's not the worst of it.

All you have in common is liking breweries and music? You don't have to backpedal to force-fit this just because you slept together.

Run like the wind.

[BaileyB]

18 hours ago, Ariesgirly said:

He’s not ready. He Is very focused on developing a friendship with someone and seeing where it goes. I guess I am confused at what point does it go somewhere. Because it’s very clear to me this is. If it were up to me I would be exclusive at this point. I don’t need to be in a relationship but I like him enough to know I want to pursue things with him

I too missed this.

If he is not ready, you need to heed that.

If “he is not ready” and he is focused on friendship - he shouldn’t be introducing you to friends and family. That is something one does when they are in a relationship with a woman - it’s got to be confusing for all. I would hope that you haven’t met his children because it would be most confusing for the children who are adjusting to their parents potentially pending divorce. 

My partner told me recently that he would have been ok staying friends and spending time together, to see where it goes… but, all I heard when we talked was - “I’m not ready” and “I don’t know when I will be ready for a serious relationship.” That was enough for me - I’m not wasting my time “dating” a man who does not want to be in an actual relationship with me. No thanks - he gets what he wants and I do not - I don’t think so. The potential for me to get hurt was too high. I was not about to waste my time and energy when I could be dating someone who didn’t have that kind of baggage and did want a relationship.

If he is not ready, he is not ready. Best thing you can do is give him the space to end his marriage and find a new normal with his family. If it’s meant to be, he knows where to find you when he is ready to pursue a relationship with you. Right now, you are holding on with the hope that he will look over and say - “Hey! I want to be with you!!” But, he has no incentive to do that because he’s got you there, supporting him as a “friend” with benefits as his marriage ends. It could actually end badly for you because you have involved yourself where you don’t belong - he needs to settle things with his divorce, he needs to get his children settled, and then - when he’s dealt with everything - that’s when he will be ready to find another relationship. 

Edited May 27, 2022 by BaileyB

[smackie9]

Just to be practical have him as a friend, and date other people. Investing at this time would be a risk. 

[Calmandfocused]

Op.

I have a sense that this man is still living with his wife. Could he be?

His excuses for not divorcing very much sounds like a married man who has another woman. 
 

My perspective on this is simple: Don’t date “separated” people at all!

Many are not actually separated and the ones who are have not closed the door emotionally on their marriage.

Why a happy, successful woman would willingly want to put herself in the middle of this drama is beyond me. 
 

Pick someone else. 

[Alvi]

26 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

I have a sense that this man is still living with his wife. Could he be?

Even if they are living at the different residences, who's to say that they are not working towards the eventual reconciliation? Some guy from my previous job was separated for about 8-9 month before reconciling with his wife. For the kid's sake, according to him. And it's not like he stayed chaste for the entire separation time. He was hitting on almost evert lady in our office, he was on a dating site going out on countless dates. Don't know if his wife knows anything about his activities while they were separated, not likely. He told office people that he tried many times to reconcile with his wife. But at the same time that he was pushing for the reunion, he was flirting/dating/sleeping with other women.

A relative of mine was actually separated for about 5 years from his wife but never filed for the divorce. He was actually co-habiting with with another woman for few years. But then one day he dumps her and goes back to his horrible, terrible wife that he doesn't love (his description of her). And now. quite surprisingly, him and his wife both grew up and learned to listen to each other and have a relatively normal healthy marriage.

So, yeah, it is better to avoid dating separated people. I would bet that the majority of time they don't know whether they are coming or going or what they want. Not likely they want anything serious or long lasting. And there is a big chance that they are going to reunite with their spouses after all is said and done. 

If he wants to divorce, let him do it solo, without you being involved in that equation. There are single men out there, so why get yourself involved with the married one?

Edited May 27, 2022 by Alvi