scrltyukatas Posted May 25, 2022 Posted May 25, 2022 In my case, I was dating a guy for a little over a month and he recently told me that he thought he’s over his ex at first but recently started feeling like he’s not. He kept saying how I’m a great person and that he doesn’t wanna lose me ever and hopes I don’t hate him. When I told him that I’d rather keep a bit more distance while he takes his time to heal, he asked if he can stay as friends, at least. What would make a rebounder want to stay friends? Is it pity, trying not to be the villain and doesn’t want to feel ‘hated’, wants to keep me around in case he wants to try again in the future, or just genuinely wants to be friends?
Wiseman2 Posted May 25, 2022 Posted May 25, 2022 2 minutes ago, scrltyukatas said: I was dating a guy for a little over a month and he recently told me that he thought he’s over his ex at first but recently started feeling like he’s not. Sorry this happened. Don't get caught in the crossfire of anyone's on/off relationship. Don't stay friends or be a backup plan. Free yourself and delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps. 2
stillafool Posted May 25, 2022 Posted May 25, 2022 (edited) Absolutely not! He wants to keep you around in case he can't get his ex back then he can fall back on you as a rebound. You know most rebound relationships don't work because once they use you to get over their ex they move on to someone else. Your best bet is to tell him "No, good luck getting your ex back" and block him. Then move on. How long was he with his ex before they broke up? Edited May 25, 2022 by stillafool 4
glows Posted May 25, 2022 Posted May 25, 2022 3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Sorry this happened. Don't get caught in the crossfire of anyone's on/off relationship. Don't stay friends or be a backup plan. Free yourself and delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps. Thoroughly agree. OP, he wants to stay friends because he may have none. He's healing from the fall out of a relationship. We have all been there and lost mutual friends in the break up of a relationship. Unfortunately he's looking for friendship in all the wrong places. What he ought to be doing is joining interest groups and rebuilding his life at a reasonable pace, not dragging anyone else into his personal issues or lack of availability. Please be wary and free yourself from added weight like this. 3
smackie9 Posted May 25, 2022 Posted May 25, 2022 Ya he's just keeping you around to bounce off of you again emotionally or sexually. Punt him to the curb. 2
dramafreezone Posted May 25, 2022 Posted May 25, 2022 (edited) 1 hour ago, scrltyukatas said: In my case, I was dating a guy for a little over a month and he recently told me that he thought he’s over his ex at first but recently started feeling like he’s not. He kept saying how I’m a great person and that he doesn’t wanna lose me ever and hopes I don’t hate him. When I told him that I’d rather keep a bit more distance while he takes his time to heal, he asked if he can stay as friends, at least. What would make a rebounder want to stay friends? Is it pity, trying not to be the villain and doesn’t want to feel ‘hated’, wants to keep me around in case he wants to try again in the future, or just genuinely wants to be friends? It's because he likes you and wants to stay in your good graces for when he gets over his ex. I wouldn't overthink this one. I'm a bit different from the consensus opinions though, I think he actually likes you and is not just using you. Dealing with the emotional fallout from a breakup and trying to date is just really tricky. That said I wouldn't wait around for him either. If it works out in the future where both of you are single and of sound mind to date each other, then great. Edited May 25, 2022 by dramafreezone 1
Ami1uwant Posted May 25, 2022 Posted May 25, 2022 1 hour ago, scrltyukatas said: In my case, I was dating a guy for a little over a month and he recently told me that he thought he’s over his ex at first but recently started feeling like he’s not. He kept saying how I’m a great person and that he doesn’t wanna lose me ever and hopes I don’t hate him. When I told him that I’d rather keep a bit more distance while he takes his time to heal, he asked if he can stay as friends, at least. What would make a rebounder want to stay friends? Is it pity, trying not to be the villain and doesn’t want to feel ‘hated’, wants to keep me around in case he wants to try again in the future, or just genuinely wants to be friends? You do t know youare ready to date until you date. he’s saying he like you but he’s not ready to devote to a relationship or doesn’t have time right now due to work or other reasons 1
Ami1uwant Posted May 25, 2022 Posted May 25, 2022 19 minutes ago, dramafreezone said: It's because he likes you and wants to stay in your good graces for when he gets over his ex. I wouldn't overthink this one. I'm a bit different from the consensus opinions though, I think he actually likes you and is not just using you. Dealing with the emotional fallout from a breakup and trying to date is just really tricky. That said I wouldn't wait around for him either. If it works out in the future where both of you are single and of sound mind to date each other, then great. I’m giving the benefit of the doubt that he isn’t ready yet 1
daphne Posted May 26, 2022 Posted May 26, 2022 OP, I'm in a similar situation except that I made the mistake of remaining friends. The outcome was that he wasn't anywhere near ready for a real relationship. We reconnected some time later and became friends. He's not a bad guy but it's not a good situation. He is always on his best behavior and I'm not sure that I really know him. I'm his backup plan. He knows he won't find someone else like me but he also knows he's not ready. But we're now at almost 3 years later, and I have wasted time thinking that we could be friends. I think it prevents you from cutting the chord and really looking for someone that wants you and is in the right place to have a relationship. Please don't romanticize it. Move on. You need to figure out what you want and move towards that. Unless you want someone who doesn't want you right now but maybe years in the future. That's selling yourself short. The likely ending is that when he really gets it together, he'll want someone else that doesn't remind him of how he feels right now.
BrinnM Posted May 26, 2022 Posted May 26, 2022 (edited) 12 hours ago, scrltyukatas said: What would make a rebounder want to stay friends? Is it pity, trying not to be the villain and doesn’t want to feel ‘hated’, wants to keep me around in case he wants to try again in the future, or just genuinely wants to be friends? Not sure, but I wouldn’t discard a person just because they don’t want to have a romantic relationship with me. That’s what insecure ppl do. What’s wrong with a friendship, provided that YOU are ok with it? If you’re not, for whatever reason, by all means break all contact. Nothing wrong with that, if you think they’re not good for you in general. That’s entirely your decision. But I’ve always kept people in my life if they have some value - be it as lovers, friends, mentors or whatever else the sitch may be.We don’t have to be bitter just because they’ve decided that we’re no longer a love interest …… people can have a tremendously positive influence on our lives, if we just let it happen and recognize what they have to offer. It’s not unusual that romantic relationships fade, especially in the beginning when we still figure things out. Why would that automatically warrant a complete bridge-burning, if they haven’t broken your trust, stolen from you, or hurt you? I find it immature, TBH, to just throw somebody in the trash completely, just because they aren’t in love with us. They can be good people, too, you know, and you can benefit tremendously from being friends with all types of personalities, no matter how and under what particular circumstances you met them. Sure-this particular person could just try to keep you around, maliciously, in case he wants sex. But I don’t think it’s super-likely. He could also just keep you around because he thinks you’re rich, and he wants to inherit something after he kills you. Also not likely. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt, unless they’re complete douche bags or morons, or are not very intelligent or interesting. But otherwise there is nothing wrong with increasing your circle of friends. You can only learn! Edited May 26, 2022 by BrinnM
ExpatInItaly Posted May 26, 2022 Posted May 26, 2022 Because he wants to keep you warm as his Plan B in case the single life doesn't treat him well (or if he can't get his ex back) Don't stick around for this, OP.
daphne Posted May 26, 2022 Posted May 26, 2022 Brinn, I understand what you're saying completely. I've been friends with exes because they were good people and it just didn't work out. The problem is if you're kidding yourself and still have hopes of it working out, you're wasting your time and leaving yourself open to being used. If she didn't want something more than friendship, she wouldn't be posting here. 1
flitzanu Posted May 26, 2022 Posted May 26, 2022 On 5/25/2022 at 8:59 AM, scrltyukatas said: In my case, I was dating a guy for a little over a month and he recently told me that he thought he’s over his ex at first but recently started feeling like he’s not. He kept saying how I’m a great person and that he doesn’t wanna lose me ever and hopes I don’t hate him. When I told him that I’d rather keep a bit more distance while he takes his time to heal, he asked if he can stay as friends, at least. What would make a rebounder want to stay friends? Is it pity, trying not to be the villain and doesn’t want to feel ‘hated’, wants to keep me around in case he wants to try again in the future, or just genuinely wants to be friends? "i want to keep you as a friend while i go back to date my ex" = "i can tell you're into me, and you'll still have sex with me and i don't have to be in a relationship with you since i dumped you" 2
mark clemson Posted May 26, 2022 Posted May 26, 2022 On 5/25/2022 at 6:59 AM, scrltyukatas said: What would make a rebounder want to stay friends? Is it (1) pity, (2) trying not to be the villain and doesn’t want to feel ‘hated’, (3) wants to keep me around in case he wants to try again in the future, or (4) just genuinely wants to be friends? I think there's no way to tell for sure, but the cynic in me says (3)...
Alpacalia Posted May 26, 2022 Posted May 26, 2022 (edited) There is still something you hope you can rekindle within him, and that makes it unbalanced and unjust because it is one-sided. The other problem with this is that it keeps you stuck. There are a couple of my ex-partners who I always have good relationships with, but we parted on good terms and we both respect the other's dating and relationship status and never go "fishing" for sex. As well, we don't talk much or hang out regularly. The act of remaining friends may be deemed a kindness if it demonstrates a connection or respect transcending the context of a romantic relationship. This type of cruelty, however, can serve to force you into burying feelings of anger and hurt. It's simply unfair to break someone's heart and then expect them to continue to put in the sort of emotional investment that comes with a true friendship. You do not want to be in this position. It lowers your value in his eyes and essentially rewards him for ditching you. Edited May 26, 2022 by Alpacalia 1
Acacia98 Posted May 26, 2022 Posted May 26, 2022 On 5/25/2022 at 4:59 PM, scrltyukatas said: What would make a rebounder want to stay friends? Is it pity, trying not to be the villain and doesn’t want to feel ‘hated’, wants to keep me around in case he wants to try again in the future, or just genuinely wants to be friends? I think the answer to this question depends on who the rebounder is. There really isn't a one-size-fits-all response. And how you should respond really depends on how you feel about the prospect of remaining friends with him. If you know in your heart of hearts that staying friends with him would make it difficult for you to move on, then you should set the idea aside and tell him it can't happen. If, on the other hand, you're one of those people who's capable of transitioning easily to friendship in this kind of situation, then it's okay for you to try to if that's what you want.
BrinnM Posted May 27, 2022 Posted May 27, 2022 (edited) 22 hours ago, daphne said: Brinn, I understand what you're saying completely. I've been friends with exes because they were good people and it just didn't work out. The problem is if you're kidding yourself and still have hopes of it working out, you're wasting your time and leaving yourself open to being used. If she didn't want something more than friendship, she wouldn't be posting here. I get what you’re saying, sure, and if it’s too painful to stay in somebody’s presence if you want different things than they want, by all means, withdraw. i am not saying you have to be someone’s friend if you don’t want to What I have a problem with are these generalizations of bad intentions, like oh he only keeps you around in case his real love interest rejects him, or he only keeps you around to use you for sex, etc. That’s just such BS, like generalizations usually are. What if a guy is honest, tells the girl, openly & honestly, that he’s not romantically interested (any longer), but he really likes her as a person? Is that illegal? What if he’s just a friendly guy? I know such guys. I can’t be the only one, though, right? It’s awful if we always assume the worst about people. Not everybody wants to take advantage of us. Some people, most people actually, are genuinely good people. Some suck, sure. Stay away from those, definitely! But don’t have a chip on your shoulder all the FN time; you’re gonna miss out on so much beauty, so many experiences, wonderful people, new friends, new adventures…… don’t close yourself up. That’s a generalization I really don’t like and don’t understand. Edited May 27, 2022 by BrinnM
Alpacalia Posted May 27, 2022 Posted May 27, 2022 Brinn, I love what you wrote. I agree with you on some points. Though it sounds harmless, telling someone who has just broken up with you and offered friendship that it is safe to remain friends because of x-y-z is dangerous. This is potentially putting scrltyukatas in a precarious position because when someone ends a relationship, it is generally made out of self-interest foremost. It’s a defense and self-preserving mechanism designed to help him cope with his decision and to facilitate the easiest way to move on from her. Any label or generalization will do. I tend to agree that it is healthy for two good people who are no longer in a romantic relationship to have some space from each other in order to recover, but if they are able to support each other at times through friendly communication, this is not a problem at all. As far as the man himself in this case goes, it would seem more like self-preservation than a deep, abiding desire to never lose her.
flitzanu Posted May 27, 2022 Posted May 27, 2022 1 hour ago, BrinnM said: That’s just such BS, like generalizations usually are. What if a guy is honest, tells the girl, openly & honestly, that he’s not romantically interested (any longer), but he really likes her as a person? Is that illegal? What if he’s just a friendly guy? I know such guys. I can’t be the only one, though, right? It’s awful if we always assume the worst about people. i mean, your generalization that everyone is "great" instead of assuming the worst is fine, it just isn't always accurate, and neither is assuming the worst. your notion here that guys can have these thoughts and feelings and not want someone gone forever are fine in a vacuum sure, or very particular conditions. this condition is that the guy literally dumped her, and said he isn't over his ex, and probably chasing after her now. that means 1. he values the ex more than her, 2. if he cared so much about her and was so into her, he would be focusing on making this last and not dumping her so nonchalantly 3. if he's so torn up about not wanting to lose her, it wouldn't be so easy for him to dump her, hurt her, and then offer the fickle flag of friendship because it is selfish. so, no, guys being jerks isn't absolute, guys being nice isn't absolute, the circumsatances in this story though, definitely indicate the guy dumped her for another girl, or, dumped her because he isn't into her anymore and gave her a story about the ex not look like such a jerk. or...sure, he wants to be best friends with her, he calls and hangs out with her, and there is zero romantic sexual encounters ever, ever, EVER, in the future, but that's a scene we don't know yet. 1
CLS63AMG Posted May 30, 2022 Posted May 30, 2022 Standard procedure is to leave your number with them and tell them to call you when they get over their ex, very rarely will you get that call, but it happens. 1
basil67 Posted May 31, 2022 Posted May 31, 2022 On 5/25/2022 at 11:59 PM, scrltyukatas said: What would make a rebounder want to stay friends? Is it pity, trying not to be the villain and doesn’t want to feel ‘hated’, wants to keep me around in case he wants to try again in the future, or just genuinely wants to be friends? Did he follow through by actively trying to be your friend? Or was it the standard BS "let's be friends" breakup line?
mortensorchid Posted May 31, 2022 Posted May 31, 2022 He wants to keep you around "just in case" aka in his little black book. If you are okay with that, that's fine but of not then ... you're not.
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