I think I know what I need to do but I am terrified (should we break up?

[smelltheroses]

Hi all.

I am writing here as a means of receiving outside input and some advice on how to move forward. To preface this – I am too nervous / embarrassed to tell my friends and family about how bad things feel, so I am hoping y’all can provide some voices of reason. I am fairly certain I need to end my relationship of ~2.5 years but don’t know how.

Backstory: we met in a bar in early 2020 (pre-pandemic). He was 31 at the time, I was 29. He was hammered by himself in the bar (his favorite sports team lost a big game) and to be fair, I was drinking too (a friend’s birthday). I gave him my number before I left and he texted me the next day.

Things seemed pretty relaxed to begin, but a few things started creeping in. He had not been in a serious relationship since high school. His last “relationship” was a brief, 6 month “fling”, wherein she ended up cutting things off because he was cheap.

I went to one of his hockey games a couple of months in and because it was in the suburbs (we both live in the city) and I was going to be in the burbs staying with my parents, he was going to swing by my parents’ place to pick me up. I asked him if it was okay to just stop in and say hello to my parents, to which he said “No, I’m not ready for that”… I told him that was fine, but then it probably wasn’t a good idea for me to go if he showed up and picked me up without saying a word to my mom and dad. He ended up apologizing and said “sorry, I thought you were rushing into me sitting down with them and having a meal” but agreed to say hi. That was when I realized this was going to be a LOT of handholding.

The next few months (March/April 2020) were pretty smooth. He asked me to be his girlfriend about 2 and a half months in. His family liked (still likes) me and vice versa.

Then my family dog died very suddenly in July (he had to be put down after having sudden heart issues) and my boyfriend did not offer to drive me to the burbs to be with my family. my mom also had a stroke around this time, and he was not super supportive. So When I was crying about my dog and my mom and struggling to cope, telling him I did not feel supported, he told me to “quit your b****ing”. He apologized, kind of, but it seemed aloof and disingenuous.

But then August 2020 rolled around and I realized we were not sleeping together as much as I would expect for a relationship that had not even been 6 months long yet. Another background here: I was big into yoga when I first met him, and when the pandemic hit (and I lost my job of 4+ years), I started to put on a little weight. I am not talking about 50 lbs. I am talking MAYBE 10 lbs. I am a taller woman so it was not insanely noticeable, but then he ended up telling me that I did not work out enough for his liking (like I used to when we started to date) and it completely wrecked me. I told him that a decade ago, when I was in college, I had a severe eating disorder, and that comments about my body were going to hurt really bad. Unless I was out of control unhealthy, please do not comment on my body. He said he would try more and was sorry, had no idea, whatever.

The sex did not get better or more frequent, and when we DID have it, he never tried to do foreplay or go down on me. It was very juvenile-esque sex. Shoving it in and using lube if needbe (sorry for TMI).

On our one year anniversary, or just around, we did not have sex almost ever. And I brought it up again. He ended up admitting he was addicted to porn from a young age and admitted he would get off to porn multiple times a day. Sometimes when I was asleep in bed next to him. He then said “your body is not what it used to be”. I did not gain any additional weight from the first time he mentioned it. Maybe I was not as lean as I used to (a little softer overall) but I was in shock that after I told him about my issues from years ago, he would bring this up again.

I nearly broke up with him then and he swore he would be better and would try harder.

Did he?

Nope.

Sex was happening never, and he was one of the cheapest people I’ve ever met. I made the decision, regardless, to move in with him in August 2021 and we got a puppy together. The dog is the only thing at this point that is holding us together.

My boyfriend is cheap. For example, he refuses to buy anything for the condo (it is his condo) and he charges me $300 a month towards his mortgage along with all the groceries and utilities. I do not expect to live rent-free here, of course, but when I am the one decorating the place and he is using a lot of the things I get (diet cokes, sports drinks, mouth wash, misc.) and then I ask him to please stop bringing the almond milk with him to work and he says “I bought it”, it leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

On our 2 year anniversary, he took us to a nice restaurant with a 5 course meal and wine pairing option. When the check came, he threw a fit and shoved it towards me, saying “can you believe how expensive this is. oh my god, i did not expect this” and was going on and on and on about “why did we have to get the wine pairing”. I felt very bad about the situation and offered to pay for part of it. He nearly accepted til he saw how uncomfortable I was with the entire scenario.

My bday is this weekend and he asked me if it was okay for us to sit in and he grills us steaks. Because he apparently spent “over $100” on my gift and taking us out is “too expensive”.

So the lack of sex, cheapness, and finally… his negative attitude about EVERYTHING. I am, admittedly, a messy person, overall, BUT it is way better than it used to be. I am not dirty and I frequently clean the entire condo, with little to no help from him. I will, for example, have the place spotless, and he will that same day complain that I left my towel on the back of the chair and say “I don’t understand how you live this way”. So I am constantly feeling bad about myself and not good enough.

We do not have great conversations or much in common. I will try to talk to him about whatever is on my mind (not negative, mind you) and he will be super dismissive “huh? what was that?” We just do not have much in common. And at this point, I’m like, you don’t want to have sex with me or talk to me, why are you with me??? “Because I love you!” he assures. It’s just so …. hollow.

I know I want out but after 2.5 years of feeling fat and useless and undesired, I am so scared to get back out there and could really use some advice here.

Thank you in advance for reading.

[glows]

There's some large disconnect there. I'm sorry you're feeling so down and humiliated by what's going on at home. When thinking about possibly ending a relationship, I usually work backwards as in where do I see myself, does this person fit in the bigger picture, do we aspire to similar things, can I imagine another decade or decades with this person? If the answers are no, your answer is fairly straightforward.

I think you already know the answer. 

The issue is having the courage to start over and being fearless and more interested in being single, and much stronger on your own than you are with company such as this. Try tackling what your fears are.

[Wiseman2]

43 minutes ago, smelltheroses said:

he charges me $300 a month towards his mortgage along with all the groceries and utilities.

So the lack of sex, cheapness, and finally… his negative attitude about EVERYTHING.

Sorry this happened. You need to make arrangements to move out asap. He's a jerk and will only erode your self-respect while you pay down his mortgage.

[stillafool]

Why would you ask to move in with him when red flags were flying everywhere with this guy, plus you were barely if ever having sex.  What did you think you would get out of it?  So what if you've gained weight maybe you'll find a guy who likes it.  As you can see this one will be monitoring  your weight if you stay with him no matter what you've said about your eating disorder.  He will treat you badly because of a few pounds, make you pay for everything and won't have sex with you.  

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, smelltheroses said:

I am so scared to get back out there

What scares you, exactly? Meeting another punk like you boyfriend? 

Being single is a lot better than being in a bad relationship with a bad boyfriend. He is abusive to you, and I guarantee that is the reason why other women don't want him and broke up with him. 

There is no other suggestion I can offer than to end it, and seek some counselling for yourself. You deserve to be happy, and you are going to need to address your low self-worth so you don't hang on to toxic men ever again. 

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, smelltheroses said:

   I will try to talk to him about whatever is on my mind 

A puppy is not a reason to stay together. You're arguing about everything. It's his place so move out.

In the meantime see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Discuss the eating disorders and Body Dysmorphic Disorder. Get some blood work done and tests.

Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support and to help you with self respect and self esteem.

 

Edited May 25, 2022 by Wiseman2