Major Advice needed for a tricky situation.

[Anon96]

So to get straight into it, I’ve recently become very close friends with a girl I’ve known for a while but only in the last 4-5 months have we actually got to know each other and I have been crazy about her for at least 3 of those months. I could ramble on everything about her for hours but that’s not why I’m here. I’m here because I know she doesn’t feel the same and she’s currently in a long distance relationship and will be finally seeing the person again later in the year. I really want to tell her how I feel but is it wrong and selfish of me to do that ? Or do I need to be selfish in this instance and tell her how I feel ? 

[basil67]

As you already know how she feels, my advice is to not say anything.   Save her from the awkwardness of having to have 'that talk' with you.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Anon96 said:

 she’s currently in a long distance relationship.

It's ok to have a crush, but this is the no-fly zone, since she has a BF.

Invest your time in available viable women. Unless you are avoiding or afraid of real relationships and having crushes that go nowhere makes you feel safe from that . 

[Anon96]

11 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's ok to have a crush, but this is the no-fly zone, since she has a BF.

Invest your time in available viable women. Unless you are avoiding or afraid of real relationships and having crushes that go nowhere makes you feel safe from that . 

Feel like I should elaborate further. She’s never actually met the guy face to face and I honestly don’t know how she feels. It’s hard to tell because we are really close and each day it’s mixed messages 

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, Anon96 said:

She’s never actually met the guy face to face and I honestly don’t know how she feels.

Is she scheduled for an arranged marriage? Why is she "in a relationship" with someone she has not met yet?

[Anon96]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is she scheduled for an arranged marriage? Why is she "in a relationship" with someone she has not met yet?

Relationship being used very loosely here. She has strong feelings for the guy simply over text and what not. Hence why I feel like I have the grounds to tell her how I feel 

[glows]

14 hours ago, Anon96 said:

I’m here because I know she doesn’t feel the same

You already know she doesn't feel the same way about you so why would you tell her? 

[Wiseman2]

14 minutes ago, Anon96 said:

Relationship being used very loosely here. She has strong feelings for the guy simply over text and what not. Hence why I feel like I have the grounds to tell her how I feel 

Ok then, Ask her out on a date, rather than just "confessing" feelings.

Edited May 24, 2022 by Wiseman2

[ExpatInItaly]

9 hours ago, Anon96 said:

I feel like I have the grounds to tell her how I feel 

What is the point if you already know she doesn't feel the same way about you? 

[stillafool]

So she's never even seen this guy in person?  (I'm not understanding how people can fall in love with someone they've never even met.😕)  I would wait until after she meets him in person and then gauge her feelings.  If she's 'head over heels' after she meets him then forget it but if she's "meh" after then shoot your shot.

[mark clemson]

If she's committed to her LDR you should respect that and find someone else to date. People fall for people they can't have for one reason or another all the time unfortunately, it's part of life and appears to be a bit of a trick of our biology/neurochemistry. C'est la vie.

If you're fairly certain she "doesn't feel that way about you" there is little point to expressing your feelings to her as it's 99% likely to fall flat. That results in a backfire since she'll then "friendzone" you and relegate you to orbiter status, which is VERY hard to break out from.

IMO you're better off waiting/saying nothing as possibly she'll break up with the LTR at some point when you are single and you could in theory "woo her" then with a better chance of things working out. So, staying friends at at least a superficial level would be part of this. If this is emotionally difficult, suggest you keep it at a minimal level to avoid/minimize any emotional distress.

In the meantime, impress her as an attractive potential partner - this would mean showing high levels of independence/confidence/self-assurance, as well as looking good, dressing well, and NOT being a downer or "emotionally needy". If you hang out with her, don't be "awkward" (this can be easier said then done if you feel strongly for someone, nevertheless coming across as awkward is unlikely to help your chances with her, IF any exist at all).

Importantly, I'd suggest you keep dating/looking in the meantime as you don't want to predicate your relationship on the chance of her leaving the LTR and waste valuable months or even years for something that amounts to nothing. Dating other women is unlikely to hurt your chances with her IF you both end up single at the same time later on. This shows you "have what it takes" to find a romantic partner and is likely to make you more, not less, attractive. It might, of course, mean you end up with someone else - which is also a good outcome for you, particularly if she never ends her LTR.

Keep in mind that people who go for LTRs may have avoidant attachment tendencies. That's not necessarily all bad as many still want a committed relationship, but it tends to impact how they relate to their romantic partner as for example they may like to keep their partners at a "safe" distance and "push back" if the partner becomes too close.

Edited May 25, 2022 by mark clemson

[Anon96]

5 hours ago, mark clemson said:

If she's committed to her LDR you should respect that and find someone else to date. People fall for people they can't have for one reason or another all the time unfortunately, it's part of life and appears to be a bit of a trick of our biology/neurochemistry. C'est la vie.

If you're fairly certain she "doesn't feel that way about you" there is little point to expressing your feelings to her as it's 99% likely to fall flat. That results in a backfire since she'll then "friendzone" you and relegate you to orbiter status, which is VERY hard to break out from.

IMO you're better off waiting/saying nothing as possibly she'll break up with the LTR at some point when you are single and you could in theory "woo her" then with a better chance of things working out. So, staying friends at at least a superficial level would be part of this. If this is emotionally difficult, suggest you keep it at a minimal level to avoid/minimize any emotional distress.

In the meantime, impress her as an attractive potential partner - this would mean showing high levels of independence/confidence/self-assurance, as well as looking good, dressing well, and NOT being a downer or "emotionally needy". If you hang out with her, don't be "awkward" (this can be easier said then done if you feel strongly for someone, nevertheless coming across as awkward is unlikely to help your chances with her, IF any exist at all).

Importantly, I'd suggest you keep dating/looking in the meantime as you don't want to predicate your relationship on the chance of her leaving the LTR and waste valuable months or even years for something that amounts to nothing. Dating other women is unlikely to hurt your chances with her IF you both end up single at the same time later on. This shows you "have what it takes" to find a romantic partner and is likely to make you more, not less, attractive. It might, of course, mean you end up with someone else - which is also a good outcome for you, particularly if she never ends her LTR.

Keep in mind that people who go for LTRs may have avoidant attachment tendencies. That's not necessarily all bad as many still want a committed relationship, but it tends to impact how they relate to their romantic partner as for example they may like to keep their partners at a "safe" distance and "push back" if the partner becomes too close.

Far out this is a great answer. Thank you !