do I actually like him or just like him being there for me?

[Wiseman2]

If you are not excited about seeing him or spending time together, you may just be going through the motions. At 28, you know how you feel, regardless of dating experience. It's fine to hang out a bit longer but it seems like you view him as a nice person, not a romantic possibility.

[Ami1uwant]

1 minute ago, jenny 73 said:

I think I imagine someone with whom i get butterflies and more excitement. Also, someone with certain looks that are more attractive to me physically. 

The question now becomes are you driven to people who are out of your league?

[stillafool]

7 minutes ago, jenny 73 said:

i feel like part of me is worried about the idea of other people about him as my boyfriend.

Are you saying you're worried about what other people will think if you have him as your boyfriend?

[stillafool]

5 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

The question now becomes are you driven to people who are out of your league?

Like a lot of people, men and women, you are turned on by those you can't get.  Please don't waste this guys time and feelings.  Let him go because he sounds like good husband material for the right woman.  Just let him go.

[jenny 73]

10 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

The question now becomes are you driven to people who are out of your league?

not intellectually, but i sometimes think I am not attractive enough physically which can make it more complicated. In general I dont think the people I liked and chased were out of my league. I think there was just not a connection there.

[jenny 73]

4 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Like a lot of people, men and women, you are turned on by those you can't get.  Please don't waste this guys time and feelings.  Let him go because he sounds like good husband material for the right woman.  Just let him go.

I dont like to hurt him, but i also like him and has been into him sometimes. I dont want to waste time but I keep wondering if this needs more time.

[stillafool]

If you don't know after 3 months how you feel about a man and only know you "like" him and are "into him sometimes" it's time to let him go.  How would you feel if a guy you were dating described his feeling for you that way after dating you for 3 months.  Stop wasting his time.

[Alvi]

1 hour ago, jenny 73 said:

From what he has told me, he wants to get his degree and simultaneously start his companies and be very impactful with great income.

I am rolling my eyes. Sounds like all big dreams (he is living in a dreamland) and all talk. Unless, he has some very rich relatives to help him out. Don't be surprised in half of what he is talking about doesn't materialize after all. Don't feel intimidated about all this, this is just all talk at this point.

I don't know what to say about you dating him if you don't feel the chemistry.  Maybe date him and how it goes. You obviously find some things in him attractive.  This is what dating is all about, finding out whether the two of you are compatible or not. Forget about the fairytales and butterflies. Focus on what is real and more important. I would say, give it a chance.

[dramafreezone]

9 hours ago, jenny 73 said:

Hey all, hope all is well. I have been seeing a guy my age for almost 3 months now. We started off being friends in a sport club and then he asked me out. Since the beginning, I was comfortable around him but I was not into him that way until he said he wants to explore a relationship with me. It has been fun, he is very emotional and cares about me and I can see it. He is also a very nice and motivated person and has big plans for his future career. He said to me that he was not planning on a relationship at the moment but now that he met me, he is interested as he sees me being by his side in his career and also support me for mine. I am very much an independent person with my own career and life goals. Anyways, we have been seeing each other and even though I was not into him physically, as we grew closer I liked being intimate with him and talking to him, I feel he sees me and i want to do the same. From his feedback, I am not 100% there yet but he has seen progress in me. After 2.5 months, I went on a 4 week vacation and its been 2 weeks in now, I dont feel like I miss him as much, this trip has been exhausting, so I wont judge based on how i feel over the vacation, I need to go back and re-evaluate my feelings. Its just he seems to be missing me a lot and showing that in words, while I cant reciprocate. I wonder if I am not as attracted to him and I have just enjoyed his company for a while, or I am just affected by this trip. How do I know if my attraction towards him is enough or not? I am very lost.

The sexual attraction is not there.  I think it's as simple as that.  It seems like you almost have to force yourself to be intimate because he's so good in the other areas.

I think it is confusing when a guy checks seemingly all of the boxes you want, emotionally available, mature, relationship minded, good career prospects, is totally into you.  Who wouldn't sign up for that, it's what most women want. 

But the reality is sexual attraction is still the primary component of a romantic relationship, and it's completely separate from everything listed above.  Without the sexual attraction he's just a buddy.  I think this is why a lot of women give multiple opportunities to guys that they're sexually attracted to, but who lack the qualities that this guy has.  It's more realistic to hope that a guy grows into a mature, emotionally available, career minded person than to hope you become attracted to someone that initially just doesn't do it for you.

Also I think if someone's completely available, then there's not much to miss.  You know he's going to be right there waiting when you get back, so there is no natural anxiety that gives rise to "missing" someone else.

I think it's not fair to you or to him if you continue to hope that your physical attraction will grow to a romantic level if that's what you're looking for.  Both of you would be better off seeking what you both really want.

I would ask that you think of what you really want though.  Do you want a romantic relationship that's full of adventure and exciting and hot, or do you want a good partnership with a responsible, attentive partner.  Everyone wants it all, but I think most of us have to make a choice at some point.  That's not to say that you can't have a partner that you're attracted to, just that you're making a choice based on your primary preference instead of wanting to meet every single preference, which may not be realistic.

Edited May 24, 2022 by dramafreezone

[glows]

It's not going to make much sense breaking it off while you're on vacation over the phone. From your posts about yourself I'm not sure if you're unhappy with yourself in general or don't know what you want and this is affecting your decisions when it comes to deciding who may be compatible with you. Either way, you don't seem too moved when it comes to this guy. He may find another woman who appreciates him more. 

Take the remaining time while on vacation to think and organize your thoughts and then let him know it's not a match when you return. I also want to validate what you're saying about feeling butterflies or a spark there, some excitement and interest in hearing from your partner. If I don't take an interest in that person's life or the way they think, I know something is off. 

[ShyViolet]

3 hours ago, jenny 73 said:

THANKS for replying. I dont have a lot of relationship experience so perhaps I dont have a base to compare if that makes sense. I cannot tell if this amount of interest is enough or it is minimal (particularly comparing to the ones in stories). 

Ok, you don't have a lot of relationship experience and don't have anything to compare it to..... so let the people who have a lot of experience give you advice.  It's not normal to be dating someone for 3 months and not feel attracted to them.  If you don't feel attracted to him and you don't miss him when you're away from him, that's a sign that you shouldn't be continuing to date this person.  Continuing this when you don't have chemistry is a waste of your time and his time, and it's wrong because it's misleading him.

When you truly are interested and attracted to someone, you'll know it and you won't have to convince yourself.

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, jenny 73 said:

Since it is early on into the dating mode, I think the trip can break a chain of feelings

I'm afaid that I disagree, based on personal experience. When you're into someone, a trip doesn't "break" your feelings. If anything, it would make you desire him more so you aren't around him. 

5 hours ago, jenny 73 said:

Also, at the end of the day I need someone that supports me, what if there is no one with these features and also more attractive?

Life is full of what-ifs, OP. You are trying to bargain yourself into sticking around. That rarely works out well. If the main reason you stay is because you think you can't find anything better, how fair is that to him? He deserves a girlfriend who doesn't have to convince herself to be with him. That's not the basis for a successful relationship, since you'll always feel just "meh" about him. That is generally not very sustainable in the long-run. 

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

He deserves a girlfriend who doesn't have to convince herself to be with him.

I agree.  You have to treat others how you wish to be treated or karma will end up putting you on the other side of the scenario.