do I actually like him or just like him being there for me?

[jenny 73]

Hey all, hope all is well. I have been seeing a guy my age for almost 3 months now. We started off being friends in a sport club and then he asked me out. Since the beginning, I was comfortable around him but I was not into him that way until he said he wants to explore a relationship with me. It has been fun, he is very emotional and cares about me and I can see it. He is also a very nice and motivated person and has big plans for his future career. He said to me that he was not planning on a relationship at the moment but now that he met me, he is interested as he sees me being by his side in his career and also support me for mine. I am very much an independent person with my own career and life goals. Anyways, we have been seeing each other and even though I was not into him physically, as we grew closer I liked being intimate with him and talking to him, I feel he sees me and i want to do the same. From his feedback, I am not 100% there yet but he has seen progress in me. After 2.5 months, I went on a 4 week vacation and its been 2 weeks in now, I dont feel like I miss him as much, this trip has been exhausting, so I wont judge based on how i feel over the vacation, I need to go back and re-evaluate my feelings. Its just he seems to be missing me a lot and showing that in words, while I cant reciprocate. I wonder if I am not as attracted to him and I have just enjoyed his company for a while, or I am just affected by this trip. How do I know if my attraction towards him is enough or not? I am very lost.

Edited May 24, 2022 by jenny 73

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't see how a trip can affect how attracted you are (or not) to a potential love interest. 

Sure, an exhausting trip might distract you but I don't think it has any direct correlation on how interested you are in a person. It seems it's just highlighting what you already know: he is more into you than the other way around. 

My general feeling is that if I have to question how into a guy I am - I am not that into him. For me personally, it wouldn't work. I am not suggesting one needs to be in the throes of burning attraction all the time, but when you meet someone you're really excited about, you won't be questioning your feelings like this. It seems that you see him more as a friend than a potential boyfriend. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, jenny 73 said:

 . I wonder if I am not as attracted to him and I have just enjoyed his company for a while, or I am just affected by this trip. 

You don't seem to see him as a romantic interest. It's not a good idea to string anyone along you know you're not attracted to in that way. Be honest with him and tell him you see him as a friend.

[stillafool]

5 hours ago, jenny 73 said:

How do I know if my attraction towards him is enough or not? I am very lost.

You'll know if you lose him.  You might be surprised just how much you liked him when you see him with somebody else.  

[Ami1uwant]

If you are on a long trip early in a relationship an hurt it.

 

have you talked about any long term plans?  Do you have similar long term goals?  
 

what is your relationship experience?  Ifyou haven’t had a relationship in a while you coukd be in love with the idea of a relationship.

 

 

[glows]

6 hours ago, jenny 73 said:

He is also a very nice and motivated person and has big plans for his future career. He said to me that he was not planning on a relationship at the moment but now that he met me, he is interested as he sees me being by his side in his career and also support me for mine. I am very much an independent person with my own career and life goals. 

I think this may have something to do with it. What do you mean "future career"? Are you a bit more established in yours and he's just starting out? I'd think about whether you're mismatched. He seems to need you for a lot more support than you need him.

[jenny 73]

16 minutes ago, glows said:

I think this may have something to do with it. What do you mean "future career"? Are you a bit more established in yours and he's just starting out? I'd think about whether you're mismatched. He seems to need you for a lot more support than you need him.

Thanks Glows, I am a few years ahead in my studies and will graduate with a phd in less than a year. He has more working experience but is earlier into his phd studies. From what he has told me, he wants to get his degree and simultaneously start his companies and be very impactful with great income. He says a companion that understands him and is as knowledgeable and creative is helpful. But at the same time, he knows about my ideas/plans and has said he will help me/support me and he can (does have some of the skills I need). I am a bit scared about his very big dreams tbh, but as long as those does not affect life quality, I am fine with it. In fact, I find these ideas and plans attractive. I think my main issue at the moment is attraction both physically and mentally.

[jenny 73]

5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I don't see how a trip can affect how attracted you are (or not) to a potential love interest. 

Sure, an exhausting trip might distract you but I don't think it has any direct correlation on how interested you are in a person. It seems it's just highlighting what you already know: he is more into you than the other way around. 

My general feeling is that if I have to question how into a guy I am - I am not that into him. For me personally, it wouldn't work. I am not suggesting one needs to be in the throes of burning attraction all the time, but when you meet someone you're really excited about, you won't be questioning your feelings like this. It seems that you see him more as a friend than a potential boyfriend. 

Since it is early on into the dating mode, I think the trip can break a chain of feelings or other stuff happening. I also hear your explanation, and that is why I am worried. It seems like every guy I chase ends up not liking me and breaking up with me saying there is no spark. And a few guys that liked me (or said at least) they were the ones I had this confusion about lack of interest towards. I am trying to understand if I really dont like him or its because he is available. Also, at the end of the day I need someone that supports me, what if there is no one with these features and also more attractive?

[jenny 73]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You don't seem to see him as a romantic interest. It's not a good idea to string anyone along you know you're not attracted to in that way. Be honest with him and tell him you see him as a friend.

I wonder if this is love/interest and I am comparing it with unreal fairytales. What if this is it? and what if I grow interest just like I did to some extend in the second month? perhaps its worth a bit more time after the trip and then if I dont see progress, I will let him know. I understand what you mean and I dont want to hurt him

[glows]

9 minutes ago, jenny 73 said:

Thanks Glows, I am a few years ahead in my studies and will graduate with a phd in less than a year. He has more working experience but is earlier into his phd studies. From what he has told me, he wants to get his degree and simultaneously start his companies and be very impactful with great income. He says a companion that understands him and is as knowledgeable and creative is helpful. But at the same time, he knows about my ideas/plans and has said he will help me/support me and he can (does have some of the skills I need). I am a bit scared about his very big dreams tbh, but as long as those does not affect life quality, I am fine with it. In fact, I find these ideas and plans attractive. I think my main issue at the moment is attraction both physically and mentally.

You'll have to gauge whether some of that is realistic or not. It's too early to tell. Grandiose plans and big talkers rarely make an impression on me, personally, and would greatly affect the way I feel emotionally about a person if I was attempting to date that person. 

Are you feeling overwhelmed by a lot of texting? I'd communicate that the trip is overwhelming and exhausting and hope to catch up when you return. It's gentle way of asking someone to let you have time to yourself to think a bit more and work on this anxiety you're feeling.

[jenny 73]

1 hour ago, Ami1uwant said:

If you are on a long trip early in a relationship an hurt it.

 

have you talked about any long term plans?  Do you have similar long term goals?  
 

what is your relationship experience?  Ifyou haven’t had a relationship in a while you coukd be in love with the idea of a relationship.

 

 

I have had about 5-6 years of dating from a first date up to 3/4 months with no relationships. They all broke off before that stage and I can see the possibility of liking the idea of it.

 

i had one long term relationship that ended 6 years ago (2.5 years).

 

Yes we do, although he does seem much more ambitious than me which scare me a bit (i am ambitious too!)

[ShyViolet]

You know that you aren't that attracted to this guy.  You say several times that he is more into you than you are into him.  This is a sign that you should be honest with him and walk away.  It's just not fair to string him along and build up a relationship with him that ultimately won't last.

[jenny 73]

Want to add that him being a big planner/dreamer also sometimes makes me feel less accomplished in general but when I bring it up, he tries to be supportive and talks about things I am good at.

 

I actually told him that this is a very tedious trip and he knows I am anxious and is giving me space, which is nice . I definitely need to re-evaluate things once I am back and stable but I am just getting anxious about the fact that maybe I need to end it. But at the same time, I keep thinking, what if this is the best guy i can find. After all, he does care and does meet my needs to a very good degree.

 

Sometimes I feel i am only into people who are not into me

Edited May 24, 2022 by jenny 73

[jenny 73]

6 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

You know that you aren't that attracted to this guy.  You say several times that he is more into you than you are into him.  This is a sign that you should be honest with him and walk away.  It's just not fair to string him along and build up a relationship with him that ultimately won't last.

but what if that attraction i seek is only in fairytales....

[ShyViolet]

1 minute ago, jenny 73 said:

but what if that attraction i seek is only in fairytales....

I'm not sure what you mean by that.  You think you're not capable of being really attracted to anyone?

[jenny 73]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

You'll know if you lose him.  You might be surprised just how much you liked him when you see him with somebody else.  

yes but I cannot tell right now. There has been occasions when I was very much into him, but its not all the time. 

[jenny 73]

Just now, ShyViolet said:

I'm not sure what you mean by that.  You think you're not capable of being really attracted to anyone?

THANKS for replying. I dont have a lot of relationship experience so perhaps I dont have a base to compare if that makes sense. I cannot tell if this amount of interest is enough or it is minimal (particularly comparing to the ones in stories). People keep saying they are in love but a lot of the time they say its not all like the stories and Disney movies.

[Ami1uwant]

9 minutes ago, jenny 73 said:

but what if that attraction i seek is only in fairytales....

How do you measure attraction?

[jenny 73]

Just now, Ami1uwant said:

How do you measure attraction?

since i havent had many relationships, I dont have a baseline to compare so that might be part of the problem. Or not trusting my gut or thinking things might change with time or this is the best I can do.

[stillafool]

I think if you were really into him you'd know it.  I know I always have for myself.  Have you ever felt butterflies in your stomach just thinking about him?  Has your heart ever raced when around him or something he's said. or when he's kissed you?

[smackie9]

When the feelings are not equal, then things go out of balance and it causes issues...guilt, sadness, heartbreak. Not a good thing for a new relationship. I had a guy say he didn't feel like he missed me when we didn't have contact for 3 days...it ended right there. It was a good thing that it did. 

[Ami1uwant]

12 minutes ago, jenny 73 said:

since i havent had many relationships, I dont have a baseline to compare so that might be part of the problem. Or not trusting my gut or thinking things might change with time or this is the best I can do.

What’s in fairytales you want?

 

i know from my personal experience that was really drives my attraction is emotion/ communication.  It’s rarely pure physical/ looks.  It’s hard to categorize what drives physical attraction with me.  Ithat alone dies not drive any sort of relationships.

 

i know there are certain characteristics  I look for in a relationship.

[jenny 73]

5 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I think if you were really into him you'd know it.  I know I always have for myself.  Have you ever felt butterflies in your stomach just thinking about him?  Has your heart ever raced when around him or something he's said. or when he's kissed you?

not sure if I ever felt butterflies like that. Excitement when I tried things for the first time? yes. But I only had my heart race when i dated people whom i had to chase who did not like me back in the end.

i feel like part of me is worried about the idea of other people about him as my boyfriend.

[chillii]

50 minutes ago, jenny 73 said:

I am a bit scared about his very big dreams tbh, but as long as those does not affect life quality, I am fine with it. In fact, I find these ideas and plans attractive.

lf what you call life quality is being a normal couple with time and wkends and no other stresses and fun fun fun, then l think you might be outa luck . You probably won't see much of that for 15-20yrs and be seeing him about once a wk while he's answering pagers. But eh , your not attracted to him romantically anyway , whether that grows, don't know.

[jenny 73]

I think I imagine someone with whom i get butterflies and more excitement. Also, someone with certain looks that are more attractive to me physically.