Girl I'm dating still adding new photos to her dating profile despite saying she can only focus on dating one person at a time

[anonymousparrot1]

Cheers for the advice guys. My biggest problem right this moment is my latest message to her. Originally we were meeting Monday evening but she warned me that we may have to meet on Tuesday if her team wins as there’s a parade on.

My last reply to her rearranging was at 11pm last night saying “Yeah course it’s okay, can’t let you not celebrate your win. You’re just gonna have to give me a kiss on Tuesday to make up for it… ”

I was trying to be flirty but seems it might’ve come across too forward or creepy. She’s read the message but not replied. It’s 8pm the next day and we have a date tomorrow. I plan to wish her good morning tomorrow and see if we’re still on, but should I apologise for that last message or how I came across? I’d hate if she was put off by that!

[TooLegitToQuit]

I'm going to disagree with several other responses here. Why not just ask her.  I mean, don't so so in an accusatory way. But, if the two of you are having conversations about how she dates, then a question like that is certainly fair game.

The reason why you are asking us, instead of asking her, is because you are concerned for her reaction. Tip-toeing around someone basically NEVER works though. It is also showing a lack of leadership. If you mention the elephant in the room, you may actually come away with a better idea as far as where this is going.

This is assuming that you like her and can see yourself wanting to date her exclusively.

 

ETA: Text her in the morning saying you are looking forward to seeing her tonight e.g., "See you tonight Kate looking forward to our date!"

 

Edited May 23, 2022 by TooLegitToQuit

[glows]

2 minutes ago, anonymousparrot1 said:

Cheers for the advice guys. My biggest problem right this moment is my latest message to her. Originally we were meeting Monday evening but she warned me that we may have to meet on Tuesday if her team wins as there’s a parade on.

My last reply to her rearranging was at 11pm last night saying “Yeah course it’s okay, can’t let you not celebrate your win. You’re just gonna have to give me a kiss on Tuesday to make up for it… ”

I was trying to be flirty but seems it might’ve come across too forward or creepy. She’s read the message but not replied. It’s 8pm the next day and we have a date tomorrow. I plan to wish her good morning tomorrow and see if we’re still on, but should I apologise for that last message or how I came across? I’d hate if she was put off by that!

Yes, it was forward but I'm assuming you were continuing some flirty banter. I wouldn't make a big deal out of it. Mention the evening before (now) if she's still up for x place and what time is best for her. Don't leave it to the day of tomorrow.

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, anonymousparrot1 said:

She’s read the message but not replied. It’s 8pm the next day and we have a date tomorrow. I plan to wish her good morning tomorrow and see if we’re still on, but should I apologise for that last message or how I came across? 

Don't apologize. The message was fine. Just confirm your plans tomorrow. Also do not ask her why she is adding pics. It comes across as jealous/insecure. The key here is confidence.

[anonymousparrot1]

8 minutes ago, glows said:

Yes, it was forward but I'm assuming you were continuing some flirty banter. I wouldn't make a big deal out of it. Mention the evening before (now) if she's still up for x place and what time is best for her. Don't leave it to the day of tomorrow.

She prefers me confirming it on the day, plus she likes good morning texts so I’ll combine it into one tomorrow asking how her parade was.

It was more in response to her asking if tuesday was okay due to the parade, but we have had flirty banter over text and in person. I just hope that didn’t put her off! I don’t want to think she “owes” me a kiss and that comes off as sleazy or entitled. For reference we’ve kissed 3 separate times so far

[glows]

1 minute ago, anonymousparrot1 said:

She prefers me confirming it on the day, plus she likes good morning texts so I’ll combine it into one tomorrow asking how her parade was.

It was more in response to her asking if tuesday was okay due to the parade, but we have had flirty banter over text and in person. I just hope that didn’t put her off! I don’t want to think she “owes” me a kiss and that comes off as sleazy or entitled. For reference we’ve kissed 3 separate times so far

Lol you're ok. Don't worry about it. She likely got busy and forgot to reply. Do as you intend and text her tomorrow if that's what you know she likes. 

[anonymousparrot1]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Don't apologize. The message was fine. Just confirm your plans tomorrow. Also do not ask her why she is adding pics. It comes across as jealous/insecure. The key here is confidence.

Ah yeah, 100% not mentioned the pics. Only time I mentioned anything about her dating profile was that I said to her I finally came across her bumble profile and swiped right, although she mentioned it didn’t matter much as we were both talking off the apps.

Some people seem to think my message was too forward or creepy which worries me. Obviously I was joking by adding the winky face but I do hope that hasn’t ruined anything. I’ll send her a good morning text asking how parade went and confirm plans like you said

[anonymousparrot1]

1 minute ago, glows said:

Lol you're ok. Don't worry about it. She likely got busy and forgot to reply. Do as you intend and text her tomorrow if that's what you know she likes. 

She has done this before and left me on read before our first date but then replied saying she wasn’t sure she’d make it in time due to her after school lessons, so I took a step back and said that was fine and to reach out if she was ever up for getting a drink. That made her reschedule which was fine. She’s taken a day to reply on a couple of occasions but hasn’t left me on read, although generally she’s responsive.

Today she’ll have had work and the parade after so it seems she read my reply this morning and might’ve forgot.

I’ll shoot with the morning text and if no reply I won’t go

[TooLegitToQuit]

If she is attracted to you, your message was perfectly fine and she will be charmed. If she does NOT like you, then perhaps not, but then any text from you would annoy her, and  she was about to end it with you anyway.

 

Handle the situation with the pictures on her dating profile however you see fit, whether or not you bring it up probably matters much MUCH less than this thread may indicate.

 

We all have a tendency to over-analyze. But put the shoe on the other foot however. Here she was talking about what she liked about relationships not even two dates in, despite all the conventional wisdom of being careful not to scare the guy off. And you are still there, no?

Edited May 23, 2022 by TooLegitToQuit

[anonymousparrot1]

6 minutes ago, TooLegitToQuit said:

If she is attracted to you, your message was perfectly fine and she will be charmed. If she does NOT like you, then perhaps not, but then any text from you would annoy her, and  she was about to end it with you anyway.

 

Handle the situation with the pictures on her dating profile however you see fit, whether or not you bring it up probably matters much MUCH less than this thread may indicate.

 

We all have a tendency to over-analyze. But put the shoe on the other foot however. Here she was talking about what she liked about relationships not even two dates in, despite all the conventional wisdom of being careful not to scare the guy off. And you are still there, no?

Yeah true. If she has genuine interest then she’ll like that I’m wanting to kiss her. If not then she’ll not want to reply or meet. I don’t want to come across as entitled or that I expect a kiss because she had to reschedule. Tried to be playful but don’t think it came across like that.

Good point. Whilst bringing that sort of talk up might scare people off, it didn’t scare me off because I like her so I’m hoping she sees that with my latest response

I’ll reach out tomorrow but with no expectations 

[Versacehottie]

3 hours ago, anonymousparrot1 said:

She prefers me confirming it on the day, plus she likes good morning texts so I’ll combine it into one tomorrow asking how her parade was.

It was more in response to her asking if tuesday was okay due to the parade, but we have had flirty banter over text and in person. I just hope that didn’t put her off! I don’t want to think she “owes” me a kiss and that comes off as sleazy or entitled. For reference we’ve kissed 3 separate times so far

you had the statement bolded and one other thing within this thread where it seems like you are super concerned about following her rules and being perfect about them.  That already tells me you are pussyfooting around and acting overly cautious--THIS is the reason you will be losing her IMO.  The pussyfooting and overthinking.  It just shows that you are way more into her than she is into you; same with deciphering why she is putting up new photos. Already it sounds unbalanced.  If she says she doesn't believe in multi-dating but yet you believe she is doing exactly that, why don't you have a bigger problem with someone who is disingenuous?  Or full of it on some level? Same goes for one who is hedging her bets to the extreme. 

On one hand I don't think 2 dates in IS hedging her bets to the extreme BUT if it's at odds with how she has told you she dates, that's a problem. You've sort of backed yourself into a corner because if you were on a more even playing field you should just ask her what's up...but considering that she might already have a pussyfooting vibe/sort of insecure/need to do everything perfect to win her affection vibe from you, asking could just make you seem insecure and paranoid, especially depending on how you do it. The first thing I think you should do is somehow get yourself on a level playing field with her. What do you want? How are YOU? How do you prefer to date? Do you think she would be reacting if you said you prefer to date a little more before commitment?  It's ironic bc while I think she has these demands of hers, which you've easily submitted to, if you were to throw out a few of your own, she'd probably be more into you. Sorry, just telling it like it is.  And good luck

[glows]

3 hours ago, anonymousparrot1 said:

Yeah true. If she has genuine interest then she’ll like that I’m wanting to kiss her. If not then she’ll not want to reply or meet. I don’t want to come across as entitled or that I expect a kiss because she had to reschedule. Tried to be playful but don’t think it came across like that.

Good point. Whilst bringing that sort of talk up might scare people off, it didn’t scare me off because I like her so I’m hoping she sees that with my latest response

I’ll reach out tomorrow but with no expectations 

Try not to let your thoughts get out of hand or worry too much. It was part of some flirty banter and if she knows your demeanour it’s unlikely it’ll be misunderstood.

Get a good night’s rest, text her tomorrow and see how it goes. If she’s not available see if she comes back with an alternative time/day. 

[TooLegitToQuit]

40 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

you had the statement bolded and one other thing within this thread where it seems like you are super concerned about following her rules and being perfect about them.  That already tells me you are pussyfooting around and acting overly cautious--THIS is the reason you will be losing her IMO.  The pussyfooting and overthinking.  It just shows that you are way more into her than she is into you; same with deciphering why she is putting up new photos. Already it sounds unbalanced.  If she says she doesn't believe in multi-dating but yet you believe she is doing exactly that, why don't you have a bigger problem with someone who is disingenuous?  Or full of it on some level? Same goes for one who is hedging her bets to the extreme. 

On one hand I don't think 2 dates in IS hedging her bets to the extreme BUT if it's at odds with how she has told you she dates, that's a problem. You've sort of backed yourself into a corner because if you were on a more even playing field you should just ask her what's up...but considering that she might already have a pussyfooting vibe/sort of insecure/need to do everything perfect to win her affection vibe from you, asking could just make you seem insecure and paranoid, especially depending on how you do it. The first thing I think you should do is somehow get yourself on a level playing field with her. What do you want? How are YOU? How do you prefer to date? Do you think she would be reacting if you said you prefer to date a little more before commitment?  It's ironic bc while I think she has these demands of hers, which you've easily submitted to, if you were to throw out a few of your own, she'd probably be more into you. Sorry, just telling it like it is.  And good luck

Well-said. What I was trying to say myself!

This young woman seems very comfortable talking about how she approaches relationships. And then she seems to have no problem acting in a way that draws further questions. So she can focus on only one guy at a time, but then there she was adding pictures. The OP can see that is what she is doing and both parties know this. And YET, she keeps adding pictures and OP has stuck around. In fact, the dynamic seems to be that OP is wondering whether he is meeting HER standards.

I think the advice in forums such as these focuses on playing things a certain way to avoid scaring them off. But there is definitely a power in being unapologetic in stating your own desires and wants.

Edited May 23, 2022 by TooLegitToQuit

[glows]

It takes some time for a couple to know one another and each others’ preferences. 

My approach would be one of observation only. There’s too little information to go on for such a negative profile of her. Since he isn’t so turned off by the additional/change in photos, keep an open mind is my advice and see where this goes. If she’s not compatible it’ll be evident. The emphasis is being confident enough to be aware, and also wise enough to know when to walk away if it comes to it. It’s simply not enough to go on at the moment.

Edited May 23, 2022 by glows

[healing light]

I have not read through all the replies on this thread, but I have the opposite opinion of most respondents.

To me it sounds like she wants you to ask her to be her girlfriend and in the meantime is updating her pictures to look like a hot commodity or get (your?) attention. If she's not done online dating before she might be one of those people that think others make it official near the 3-5 date mark. I've known people who do... so... that's my two cents.

[dramafreezone]

 

1 hour ago, TooLegitToQuit said:

I think the advice in forums such as these focuses on playing things a certain way to avoid scaring them off. But there is definitely a power in being unapologetic in stating your own desires and wants.

Well if he wants to be unapologietic and be the most powerful version of himself, then he should actually do nothing and play it completely cool.  The most powerful mindset someone can exude is show that while I like you here, I will be fine whether you're here or not.

His power should be in not even caring what's going on with her photos or having any care in the world about who she's dating.  If he's got that inner confidence, then he knows that he's her best option, so who cares what she's doing with her dating profile.  The powerful guy is going to almost dare her to try to find someone better than him, instead of trying to cling on to her or lock her down, just my opinion.

Edited May 24, 2022 by dramafreezone

[Uruktopi]

On 5/22/2022 at 9:35 PM, glows said:

I would just stop asking her out and let her know it’s not a match. 

Agree

[Alpacalia]

16 hours ago, anonymousparrot1 said:

But yeah I do see your point, she did mention that until I define the relationship with her then she classes herself as single still.

Well, there you go.

Make no assumptions when it comes to online dating. 

Perhaps she assumes that since you haven't locked it down yet, you're doing the same just by being active on the site.

Still, I can totally see why you feel like it's a mixed signal coming from her.

Here's what to take away from this: let her do her thing. Most likely she's just keeping up appearances like she would on any other social media platform. Being prepared also means preparing if things don't work out.

I'm not saying that's going to happen but online dating is a numbers game and commitment requires both partners.

If it doesn’t work, it’s no ones fault. It is impossible for one person to feel enough interest for both. Still, I'd talk to other women if you hadn't committed to each other. Go at your own pace and have fun. Now, totally try to make things work with this girl of course, since you like her.

Edited May 24, 2022 by Alpacalia

[Versacehottie]

15 hours ago, TooLegitToQuit said:

In fact, the dynamic seems to be that OP is wondering whether he is meeting HER standards.

I think the advice in forums such as these focuses on playing things a certain way to avoid scaring them off. But there is definitely a power in being unapologetic in stating your own desires and wants.

100% to both the bolded.  IMO, the OP has already decided he wants to lock her down.  My question would be WHY? If she is giving you some doubts about her, why are you holding on tighter, trying to do things perfectly as she'd like so as not to lose her or upset her?  It's a little out of desperation and being blinded to what is truly in front of you, right?  What is truly in front of you is creating some doubt...

I would also say since you mentioned it, OP, that perhaps she is just one of those girls that is sort of photo-obsessed.  You mentioned that she has taken photos with you "already" as if it was out of the norm.  Perhaps you don't know people including some women who will take a photo whenever, with whomever and it may follow if she's that type of person that she would constantly be updating her profile. The fact that you sort of felt it was unusual that she took photos with you already sort of shows that you don't know many, if any, women like this. Lol, I know enough of them to know it's not that unusual. (could be worrisome for other reasons but not the one you are pinning on it, ie it doesn't necessarily mean she is continuing to look for other guys, only that she likes admiration of her photos--from you or anyone, including herself).   If you TRULY believe she is posting those in order to call in more potential guys, and expand her search then I would drop her like a hot potato based on your semi-agreement.  I think it was too soon for either of you to commit to that and this is one good example of why--but no one wants to be with a hypocrite or someone they can't trust. And conversely no one wants to be with someone who is paranoid, lacking trust and self-respect desperate to the point that they will compromise themselves to hang onto someone else.

[Versacehottie]

15 hours ago, dramafreezone said:

 

Well if he wants to be unapologietic and be the most powerful version of himself, then he should actually do nothing and play it completely cool.  The most powerful mindset someone can exude is show that while I like you here, I will be fine whether you're here or not.

His power should be in not even caring what's going on with her photos or having any care in the world about who she's dating.  If he's got that inner confidence, then he knows that he's her best option, so who cares what she's doing with her dating profile.  The powerful guy is going to almost dare her to try to find someone better than him, instead of trying to cling on to her or lock her down, just my opinion.

totally agree!  Best mindset which he TRULY needs to adopt to balance things out is that he will be fine with or without her.   Not that he is monitoring her profile and paddling like a sinking duck. Has to believe he is the best she will find and it's a little silly to believe that she ISN'T meeting others/connecting with others as long as her profile is up and she is still single. Which in theory goes for both of them. The clinginess will be his downfall or might already be (doesn't really matter if is overt or covert, it can be felt). 

OP, is there some reason you feel you are punching above your weight? or out of your league by dating her? That's how you are acting and that never goes well.  Especially when you don't even know enough about a person to even know if it is true.  To me, it sounds like you are initially enamored with her looks and feel like you need to lock her down before some other guy snaps her up. Somehow you have to take the position that she is pretty but there are many other pretty girls.  Also that you care  in the long run about what is inside and you don't know that yet.  And thirdly that you are pulling your weight in all those categories if not more of them: looks, attractiveness, charm, success, and all the inner stuff and have much to offer "the right girl". Time will tell if she is the right girl and you will be fine if she is not. Got to treat it as if you are deciding, not that you HAVE DECIDED.  My question would be: on what basis have you "decided" she is right for you or that you want to lock her down?  Doesn't feel like you have either enough information or knowledge of who she IS to do so yet.  And even that you may have some real concerns to deal with about her integrity.

[Uruktopi]

I find it self evident.

She says she wants to focus HER attention in one. 

But she feels good having the attention from more than one.

Some comments about as only IMO (and experience)

- Some people are by their own making recipes for a future emotional disaster.

-  It´s not about some conjectural (her´s / yours) inner "insecurity". 

- It´s not about her valid rights to do, say, think or feel by her own.

- It´s about what you have also the right to choose or discard.

-  Do not expect later what is not there from the start.

 

Edited May 24, 2022 by Uruktopi

[dramafreezone]

2 hours ago, Uruktopi said:

She says she wants to focus HER attention in one. 

But she feels good having the attention from more than one.

Well this is a good observation. The two are not mutually exclusive or in conflict with each other.

Even happily married people enjoy attention from the opposite sex.  I don't think a person ever stops enjoying that attention regardless of their relationship status.  All the more reason to not pay any attention to it at this point.

Interpersonal relationships do change though, because we can grow, we can adapt and we change our behaviors accordingly.  I think the OP is exhitibing some behaviors (snooping on her dating profile) that will not serve him well with future relationships.  Monitoring or trying to control the behavior of others when they're not in your presence just doesn't lead to anything good in romantic relationships.  We're not as good at hiding our behavior as we think we are and I believe the woman is at least partially observing and responding to the weakness OP is exhibiting.

Edited May 24, 2022 by dramafreezone

[ramboparrot3]

4 dates so far and in person it’s going fantastically.

 

Before our 4th date she did seem a bit miffed that I arranged the booking for 1.5 hours after the time we arranged to meet but I took ownership over that. Overall that date was fantastic, held her hand, we kissed passionately, put my coat on her when she felt cold and overall great conversation.

 

During the date we had a deep conversation regarding communication.

 

She told me she likes morning texts to check in with her but also evening texts too to confirm she’s ok/how her day was. She told me about evening texts to check in on her day because her dad does it with her, so she said if we were to have kids she’d like to feel I was just as protective of them like her dad is with her. She also said she doesn’t expect to wait all day for a reply as she can’t imagine someone being that busy not to reply.

 

My issue is, she contradicts herself. I messaged her good morning on the morning she was going on holiday, wishing her well with a joke. A few hours later she posted a photo on facebook at the airport [photo of two wine glasses with passports]

 

She’s going on holiday with one of her best friends, though during our date she seemed to slip up and say “he” before correcting herself and saying they. Going off her facebook she has a group of the same friends in various photos and you can also see a couple of guys from that group that she goes on holiday individually with so I’m not too concerned unless maybe I should be.

 

I’m more concerned that she goes on about communication but if I was to post on social media and not reply to her text it’d probably annoy most people really.

 

Just wondering what the best course of action is. Should I wait until tonight and send “Hope you got there safely” which would align with her wanting me to check in with her? I prefer waiting on a response before sending anything else ideally. 

 

I don’t plan to check in on her everyday whilst she’s on holiday so I’m thinking I’ll check in a few days into it, if she wanted to reach out she would. She did warn me not to expect a reply straight away due to lack of internet when she’s there, so I might just check in halfway through the week and wait until she’s back.

 

But also I’m wondering whether it’s best to just leave it after her posting that photo, just because you could consider it to be off putting to someone you’ve only had 4 dates with. If I posted that photo, I’d worry it would put her off thinking I was playing the field (even though we haven’t discussed exclusivity, there wouldn’t be anything wrong with it).

 

I know I’m overthinking this and I don’t plan to react to any of it. Rather be cool and not act irrationally so wanted to get an outside perspective

Edited May 29, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed link to photo

[glows]

As it's only four dates, both of you are just seeing each other. It isn't a relationship and there's been no time to develop anything. I'd take the conversation as points of interest and her preferences overall, not rules by which you two should live by right now. You've not gotten to that point yet. 

Yes, I'd wait for her to reply. Remember that you're also scanning to see that she's the type of woman you'd want in your life, before being the man she wants in hers.

[ramboparrot3]

Just now, glows said:

As it's only four dates, both of you are just seeing each other. It isn't a relationship and there's been no time to develop anything. I'd take the conversation as points of interest and her preferences overall, not rules by which you two should live by right now. You've not gotten to that point yet. 

Yes, I'd wait for her to reply. Remember that you're also scanning to see that she's the type of woman you'd want in your life, before being the man she wants in hers.

Yep early days. Should I be concerned of the photo? To me looks romantic with a guy but going off her previous holiday pics she does go on holidays with her guy mates as well as girl mates in her friends group. She also puts hearts on all her Facebook posts as well

Should I check in with her later to see if she got there safely? Or just not reach out again until she does?