How long to try if they don't seem to see past your looks?

[BaileyB]

8 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

It appears to be a pattern.  Why do you think you create these situations?

I think part of the pattern is that she has spoken with this man daily for six weeks without actually going on many dates with him. That creates a false sense of intimacy with a man that she does not actually know and it allows her to become overinvested in these relationships. 

[Alpacalia]

The feeling of intimacy can be skewed by a lot of things. Spending a lot of time with someone new right off the bat, sending texts, and having sex too soon.

Everything involves pacing yourself.

Don’t confuse attraction with connection or compatibility.

There is no point in limiting early texting to something that you feel you need to do, dating lots of other people to avoid disappointment, and other such strategies, because dealing with disappointment is an important life skill that you learn only with experience. 

It is just a matter of learning to not become attached so easily and that begins from within. Yeah, yeah...cheesy.

 

Edited May 26, 2022 by Alpacalia

[chillii]

On 5/25/2022 at 8:32 AM, babybrowns said:

“And wow, when you said you were driving up to see me, I expected you to atleast have a nice car! What kind of piece of **** is that Really you couldn’t get anything nicer than that??” 

From someone who doesn’t even know how to drive, whom I had even offered to teach, it is comical. 

Yeah see this was my point l mean this bs was surreal. He's head, thinking, to treat you like this say things like this and the other crap,he's getting possessive, all of it. Sure maybe you coulda shoulda but none of that was in any way inflicting or of deserving this kind of crap. The guy's disturbed l mean really, your so damn lucky it came out because who knows what else is lurking in there or what sort of situation you could've wound up in.

 

 

 

 

[NuevoYorko]

3 hours ago, BaileyB said:

I think part of the pattern is that she has spoken with this man daily for six weeks without actually going on many dates with him. That creates a false sense of intimacy with a man that she does not actually know and it allows her to become overinvested in these relationships. 

I agree.  BB, you did make a thread here before you met him, though, because you thought his behavior around setting up your first meeting might be "odd."   You abandoned that thread, and evidently went all in with the driving 3 hours both dates and also getting intimate.  

So you ignored your earlier concern, and all the suggestions that you got from that thread.  

Look.  I don't judge a person based on opinions from strangers on on the Internet ( especially because we are only getting the opinion of one party - the one with the complaint) but you WERE concerned and you did ask for help.

What was the thought process behind just ignoring that whole piece?  

I'm not going to stay on this thread and keep bugging you.  I do, though, want to challenge you.  I think you DO "like" this type of thing, because it brings emotional drama.  It seems that you are isolated.  I'm not sure what type of work you do, as you have said here that you're a teacher and in other thread you have described completely different work - but it seems that you are pretty isolated.  

 If you are, and you're doing this to get interpersonal contact, there are much better ways.  If you really want to be in a relationship that is healthy and works, you will have to recognize when you are heading down this or similar paths.  

On the other hand, if you want to stir up some weird interactions out of thin air, on the internet, and then go over all the drama with different strangers, also on the internet,  this is what you will get.  

Take care and don't put yourself in dangerous situations.

[babybrowns]

5 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

I agree.  BB, you did make a thread here before you met him, though, because you thought his behavior around setting up your first meeting might be "odd."   You abandoned that thread, and evidently went all in with the driving 3 hours both dates and also getting intimate.  

So you ignored your earlier concern, and all the suggestions that you got from that thread.  

Look.  I don't judge a person based on opinions from strangers on on the Internet ( especially because we are only getting the opinion of one party - the one with the complaint) but you WERE concerned and you did ask for help.

What was the thought process behind just ignoring that whole piece?  

I'm not going to stay on this thread and keep bugging you.  I do, though, want to challenge you.  I think you DO "like" this type of thing, because it brings emotional drama.  It seems that you are isolated.  I'm not sure what type of work you do, as you have said here that you're a teacher and in other thread you have described completely different work - but it seems that you are pretty isolated.  

 If you are, and you're doing this to get interpersonal contact, there are much better ways.  If you really want to be in a relationship that is healthy and works, you will have to recognize when you are heading down this or similar paths.  

On the other hand, if you want to stir up some weird interactions out of thin air, on the internet, and then go over all the drama with different strangers, also on the internet,  this is what you will get.  

Take care and don't put yourself in dangerous situations.

Hello, you are right in that yes I wrote a little thread about the man before meeting him. This thread then became irrelevant because the subject of it no longer applied; I had got the wrong end of the stick about something. If one could delete threads, I would have. I’d prefer not to address it on this thread because they are separate subjects, I’m sure though that one can always draw links between anything but I’d like to keep that where it is. 

But I did not state my profession on that thread, so where is this “other type of work” which you speak of coming from?

[glows]

Lower your expectations and be a little more wary next time. You did enjoy the interactions so some of the back and forth with him was pleasant and it made you feel wanted or like it could lead to something else. You just went into it too soon, too quickly and spent a lot of time driving out to see him and texting with him for far too long. I think that does play a part in the false intimacy. If you're looking for an actual relationship, don't waste your time texting for too long. I'm sure your time is precious, as is the next guy's who is also on the lookout for a worthy woman. A man who's serious isn't going to be agreeing that his date drive three hours out to see him, text for weeks on end or make those kinds of comments. He'll likely know that his time matters and he'll value your time as well. 

Learn to screen a little better and be more discerning. This is just a work in progress. Keep your chin up.

[babybrowns]

Thank you all for your responses, they are so helpful. It is true that I do have a tendency to attract narcissists, having now been involved with two.

Both have displayed very different signs when things have been ‘good’, so unfortunately the lessons I learnt from the previous one did not stop me proceeding here since they were very different scenarios.

This particular case took me by surprise: how he unleashed quite a vicious monster having been constantly nice and sweet to me for 6 weeks, not a whiff of anything else besides this. In the previous case, there were playful gaslighting and put-downs when things were ‘running’. I had suspected it might be narcissism when it was happening but that being my first time experiencing that, I was willing to see it through a bit since I liked the guy and then discovered the unpleasant abuse. In this situation though, apart from the growing possessiveness, there were very few signs to me that this was an abuser.

9 hours ago, BaileyB said:

I think part of the pattern is that she has spoken with this man daily for six weeks without actually going on many dates with him. That creates a false sense of intimacy with a man that she does not actually know and it allows her to become overinvested in these relationships. 

Yes, indeed. I am someone who does get attached to people very easily, and this man seemed a ‘safe’ option for me to feel ok with getting attached to. He genuinely seemed great, being continuously sweet to me all the way through my illness, being so patient and caring, so hospitable whenever I was in his company. I was so, so shocked at the sudden, unpleasant and extreme abuse he unleashed on me that night and then him blocking me, all because I asked for a few days apart.

As crazy as it is to say, because it is still a little raw, part of me is missing his presence in my life, his consistent ‘good morning’ messages etc. It is because of my attachment. As time goes on and I start to get used to not having that person’s presence in my life anymore, I stop missing them entirely, especially when they have said things like this. Such unwarranted, extreme abuse. I have never been involved with a man who has taken me by such surprise before. A complete Jekyll and Hyde!

Edited May 26, 2022 by babybrowns

[glows]

That's fine. Let it pass and learn from the experience.

[babybrowns]

11 minutes ago, glows said:

Lower your expectations and be a little more wary next time. You did enjoy the interactions so some of the back and forth with him was pleasant and it made you feel wanted or like it could lead to something else. You just went into it too soon, too quickly and spent a lot of time driving out to see him and texting with him for far too long. I think that does play a part in the false intimacy. If you're looking for an actual relationship, don't waste your time texting for too long. I'm sure your time is precious, as is the next guy's who is also on the lookout for a worthy woman. A man who's serious isn't going to be agreeing that his date drive three hours out to see him, text for weeks on end or make those kinds of comments. He'll likely know that his time matters and he'll value your time as well. 

Learn to screen a little better and be more discerning. This is just a work in progress. Keep your chin up.

Thank you, all your posts are soo helpful glows it’s like you can really see into me. For the travelling, I had actually offered to this man that I can come to his neighbourhood for our first date, because of how long I made him wait for us to meet for the first time. I was abroad when we matched, and then I got sick upon coming home, all through which he was very patient and supportive.

I really wanted to make things as easy as possible for him and not let him travel to see me for our first meet. 

He then got more sex-predator-like and kept suggesting things that would entail going somewhere near his home, or somewhere near where we could be ‘properly alone’. It creeped me out when he wanted to change our 3rd date, for which I had made a dinner reservation at a place near his work, to the dinner and then a walk somewhere afterwards where we could be properly alone. He had an eerie insistence on this.

I refused the after-dinner suggestion since I had to get back home, it being a school night, which he wasn’t happy with and couldn’t accept. Of course, that 3rd date never materialised: my fears of his possessiveness thankfully materialised into action.

Edited May 26, 2022 by babybrowns

[glows]

10 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

Thank you, all your posts are soo helpful glows it’s like you can really see into me. For the travelling, I had actually offered to this man that I can come to his neighbourhood for our first date, because of how long I made him wait for us to meet for the first time. I was abroad when we matched, and then I got sick upon coming home, all through which he was very patient and supportive.

I really wanted to make things as easy as possible for him and not let him travel to see me for our first meet. 

He then got more sex-predator-like and kept suggesting things that would entail going somewhere near his home, or somewhere near where we could be ‘properly alone’. 

I see my younger self in you. I was over-accommodating like this, like you. It's ok to still meet halfway, regardless if you were ill. You might have felt guilty or responsible for the delay in meeting but you're both equally responsible for the distance if you agree to meet. 

In the moment it can be difficult making split second decisions. Hindsight is nearly always 20/20. Tips to stick to: date more locally so you don't have to travel too far out or be put out making decisions far from home and also keep the meetings brief and short to begin with. 

I'm glad you realized what kind of person he was early enough. I don't think it's unusual to be disappointed. Let it go and start over a little more experienced.

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, babybrowns said:

Thank you all for your responses, they are so helpful. It is true that I do have a tendency to attract narcissists, having now been involved with two.

Certainly, people can have narcissistic traits, but I can't imagine how one could know that these people are narcissists unless you had a formal diagnosis.

It is also worth noting that one does not have to have the ability to diagnose someone as a narcissist before deciding to end the relationship. 

You just need to learn some ways to recognize when your personal boundaries are being crossed and when you are being mistreated.

I should add here that anyone can find themselves in a relationship with a narcissist, so maybe break yourself of the habit of being too hard on yourself.

Alternatively, if you are attracted to certain types of men on a regular basis and they are attracted to you too, then it is meeting some unknown need for you, however self-destructive it may be.

For instance, if you have low self-esteem, these men may appear to be coming to your rescue and that may be something that you are attracted to.

You just need to observe these things, if you are a people pleaser, who likes to be needed by people. These are just some of the things you need to watch out for.

Unless you have been in the same relationship for 20+ years of your life, chances are that the more people you date, the more likely it is that you will meet some duds along the way. 

[Wiseman2]

All in all you need to set the red flag alarm higher and get the creepometer recalibrated.

Meet asap so that you're not as shocked when your imagined image through excessive texting and stalling is incongruent with who someone really turns out to be.

Edited May 27, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Kamille]

 

I'm so glad you've kicked that guy to the curb and join others in congratulating you for spotting his stripes. You stood up for yourself, which can be distressing if you struggle to assert boundaries. This to me explains why you started this thread and also why you need a space to talk it out. 

I know you don't want us to link this thread to your previous one about this man, but many of us encouraged you to assert yourself and speak up. Your needs were not unreasonable. Your desire to be met halfway, literally and figuratively? Very healthy. In the end, asserting yourself is how you figured out that this guy is abusive. He didn't respect a very simple request and felt the need to lash out. 

So congrats on speaking up. It is really important in relationships precisely because it is the easiest way to weed out people with whom you're incompatible or abusive people. (People with whom you'll be incompatible are not necessarily abusive; those are two separate categories). 

Edited May 27, 2022 by Kamille

[ZA Dater]

On 5/22/2022 at 7:51 PM, babybrowns said:

Hello all,

I have met a lovely man online. He’s 34, I’m 32. I’ve met him twice, after talking for 4 weeks (I was abroad and then fell ill, all through which he patiently waited). So far, he’s the nicest person I have ever dated and has demonstrated consistent enthusiasm.

A problem that is putting me off a little however, is that he seems to only appreciate the way I look but not much else. The best word I can use to describe the way I feel is ‘objectified’. 

I do hold physical attraction towards him too, and even though we’ve not yet had sexual intercourse, we did get quite close to it on our second date. He didn’t push me to have sex, and when I told him my feelings on needing to know a guy for longer first, he said he’s very willing to wait.

But there are very strong signs that so far he likes me only for my physical appearance. One of these are that he mostly refers to me as “gorgeous girl” rather than using my name.

Currently, I feel like a paper doll around this man and it doesn’t matter what I say or do; he only seems to see the outside. As a deep person, I do feel reduced to far below what I am when I’m with him or talking to him and it’s giving me no pleasure from spending time with him. I need to connect on more than just a physical level with someone.

Having said that, I do like how affectionate he is; my ex partner of 3 years wasn’t very into me at all and at times displayed very little affection whereas I always craved it. Having it so much from this man, is a nice contrast.

Since I have only met this man twice, and I like many things about him, I am intending to keep seeing him a couple more times or so to see whether we can develop an emotional connection as well as a physical one. I am making suggestions for dates which don’t provide an easy platform for making out but rather to have conversations. 

I have expressed my feelings to him a few times in that I want him to get to know me more, rather than focus on the outer shell. He says “ofcourse he wants to get to know me more”, but naturally the proof will be in the pudding.

I am just wondering if anyone who has been in this situation can provide any advice, such as, how long to wait? Perhaps when we get to know each other more, it’ll be different and we’ll start to feel the emotional connection more? I don’t want to let this one go so easily because I do like many attributes about him, atleast that’s how I currently feel.

I always feel a certain sadness when I read posts like this because a person cannot be defined by their looks, yes looks are the gateway to initial attraction but I think and I may not be liked for what I say but the fact this guy only seems to care about your looks is more a reflection on him than it is on you. Maybe he is not looking for a relationship but rather just a hook up, hence him not bothering too much anything but looks.

I'd keep him waiting for as long as possible, that way if he is just after a hook up he will probably bail as he wont be getting instant gratification.

[BreakOnThrough]

Guys fall in love differently and work from the outside in, take it easy and relax, it's normal.