babybrowns Posted May 22, 2022 Posted May 22, 2022 (edited) Hello all, I have met a lovely man online. He’s 34, I’m 32. I’ve met him twice, after talking for 4 weeks (I was abroad and then fell ill, all through which he patiently waited). So far, he’s the nicest person I have ever dated and has demonstrated consistent enthusiasm. A problem that is putting me off a little however, is that he seems to only appreciate the way I look but not much else. The best word I can use to describe the way I feel is ‘objectified’. I do hold physical attraction towards him too, and even though we’ve not yet had sexual intercourse, we did get quite close to it on our second date. He didn’t push me to have sex, and when I told him my feelings on needing to know a guy for longer first, he said he’s very willing to wait. But there are very strong signs that so far he likes me only for my physical appearance. One of these are that he mostly refers to me as “gorgeous girl” rather than using my name. Currently, I feel like a paper doll around this man and it doesn’t matter what I say or do; he only seems to see the outside. As a deep person, I do feel reduced to far below what I am when I’m with him or talking to him and it’s giving me no pleasure from spending time with him. I need to connect on more than just a physical level with someone. Having said that, I do like how affectionate he is; my ex partner of 3 years wasn’t very into me at all and at times displayed very little affection whereas I always craved it. Having it so much from this man, is a nice contrast. Since I have only met this man twice, and I like many things about him, I am intending to keep seeing him a couple more times or so to see whether we can develop an emotional connection as well as a physical one. I am making suggestions for dates which don’t provide an easy platform for making out but rather to have conversations. I have expressed my feelings to him a few times in that I want him to get to know me more, rather than focus on the outer shell. He says “ofcourse he wants to get to know me more”, but naturally the proof will be in the pudding. I am just wondering if anyone who has been in this situation can provide any advice, such as, how long to wait? Perhaps when we get to know each other more, it’ll be different and we’ll start to feel the emotional connection more? I don’t want to let this one go so easily because I do like many attributes about him, atleast that’s how I currently feel. Edited May 22, 2022 by babybrowns
Wiseman2 Posted May 22, 2022 Posted May 22, 2022 14 minutes ago, babybrowns said: we’ve not yet had sexual intercourse, we did get quite close to it on our second date.. One of these are that he mostly refers to me as “gorgeous girl” rather than using my name. I have only met this man twice, and I like many things about him, I am intending to keep seeing him a couple more time. All you can do is have more in person dates that don't end up in "quite close to sex". Pet names are a red flag, but if you like him you can take your time nad see. If he is a pump-and-dump horndog, it could happen at any point.
Alpacalia Posted May 22, 2022 Posted May 22, 2022 Perhaps terms of endearment work in a mutually loving relationship, but assume too much of early dating for you? He does not necessarily view you as a sexual object when he calls you a gorgeous girl. Maybe you feel at this stage that he is not being sincere? It's okay to let him know that while you appreciate that he finds you attractive, you prefer pet names for a relationship that is further along. 2
Mrin Posted May 22, 2022 Posted May 22, 2022 (edited) Mmmmmm i bond with women in a very deep and very broad way. Emotionally. Energetically. Spiritually. And yes physically. I have use pet names early on with women with whom I've gone on to form long lived meaningful relationships and yes, they often refer to beauty. But - those relationships meant so much more to me than just physical attraction. So I guess I would worry less about pet names and focus more on about conversations. Questions he asks. Does he enjoy learning things from you? Does he enjoy teaching you things? I think you're right to schedule future dates that promote that sort of interaction. I'm particularly fond of museum or art gallery dates myself. Best of luck! Mrin Edited May 22, 2022 by Mrin 1
Weezy1973 Posted May 22, 2022 Posted May 22, 2022 1 hour ago, babybrowns said: Perhaps when we get to know each other more, it’ll be different and we’ll start to feel the emotional connection more? Is there an “intellectual connection” now? Do you share a similar sense of humour? Do you enjoy having conversations about similar topics? An emotional connection almost by definition needs time to develop. You’ve only seen each other twice. 3
ExpatInItaly Posted May 22, 2022 Posted May 22, 2022 I would give the guy a break and try not to find fault so quickly. Calling you a "gorgeous girl" was likely off-the-cuff and meant as a compliment. It doesn't mean that's all he sees. It's also been two dates What kind of emotional connection can you really expect? If you feel reduced as a person, as you say, perhaps you need to reflect on why a guy you hardly know has the ability to affect you so much. 8
BaileyB Posted May 22, 2022 Posted May 22, 2022 (edited) 1 hour ago, Alpacalia said: He does not necessarily view you as a sexual object when he calls you a gorgeous girl. I wonder the same. This, in itself, does not demonstrate that he only values the physical appearance. It was likely meant as a compliment - one he thought you would like! It’a been two dates. It’s way too early for you to be passing judgment on the man that he does not want to get to know you more. Give it some time - see how the relationship develops. As others have said, does he ask you questions? Does he want to get to know you? Does he make plans - in the future, we should do this together… that would be fun. Those are important things to notice early in the relationship. My advice is always - don’t sabotage what could be a nice relationship for you by jumping to conclusions… That said, there is nothing saying that you can’t tell the man that it is a little off putting when he uses affectionate terms considering that you are still just getting to know each other… Edited May 22, 2022 by BaileyB 3
Author babybrowns Posted May 22, 2022 Author Posted May 22, 2022 Thank you for your responses so far all. To clarify since I’m not sure I made it clear, “gorgeous girl” is his name for me. Not just a one-time compliment, but how he refers to me. It’s what he calls me in the morning, during the day when we text and in goodnight messages. When he wished me goodnight last time with this same pet name I even joked, “Soon you’ll see I’m more than that ;)” His response was simply, “Yes :)” The good signs though, as some have advised to look for, are that yes he is keen on making future plans with me, like playing sports together, doing other non-intimate things together. I guess I’ll see this through for a couple more dates or so and see if we do have some kind of connection that doesn’t revolve around physical affection!
Author babybrowns Posted May 22, 2022 Author Posted May 22, 2022 1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said: If you feel reduced as a person, as you say, perhaps you need to reflect on why a guy you hardly know has the ability to affect you so much. It’s more that I feel like I’m talking to a wall when I’m with him; that he’s just thinking about the physical and not listening to a word I say. If I were to rephrase, it feels like even if I were to keep my mouth shut when we are together, it wouldn’t make a difference to him. He’s focussed on the physical and that’s it, at least that’s how it feels. It is making it less motivating for me to keep hanging out with him, naturally
glows Posted May 22, 2022 Posted May 22, 2022 19 minutes ago, babybrowns said: It’s more that I feel like I’m talking to a wall when I’m with him; that he’s just thinking about the physical and not listening to a word I say. If I were to rephrase, it feels like even if I were to keep my mouth shut when we are together, it wouldn’t make a difference to him. He’s focussed on the physical and that’s it, at least that’s how it feels. It is making it less motivating for me to keep hanging out with him, naturally Do like you were intending, up to two more dates and see how it goes. You are also seeing others? Don't overinvest in this. Early on I've ignored nonsense pet names from the start as it's easy to address a broad number of women by generic names like "gorgeous" without having to remember each person's name in conversation. You're sensing he's not as deep and he may be shallow in general. See how it goes. Ultimately it's your choice and purely instinctual when it comes to chemistry. This guy and you may have little chemistry, not just in the cerebral sense. 1
chillii Posted May 22, 2022 Posted May 22, 2022 (edited) It's really hard to say at this stage, it might just be dominating things for him atm but settle down later. lt's one of those things where as you get to know him more as the person he also is , whether or not things are any deeper than that with him. A lot of that might need to be after you've started sleeping together to before it starts to come out and show ,be it goods or bads. l've been in that situation even as a guy and wondered if there's actually more to the way she's said she feels , or whether it's just looks that she's loving , when other things come out, or don't. With her, it was more a looks thing in the end , bc even over time she still just lacked any real depth in all the other ways a person should also feel about everything else to, not just looks and bodies. Edited May 22, 2022 by chillii 1
Author babybrowns Posted May 22, 2022 Author Posted May 22, 2022 (edited) 47 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said: What do you offer beyond your looks? Let’s just say that being a 32-year old professional woman who has had a few long-term relationships and multiple strong friendships, there’s a reason I’ve come on here to post a thread like this: it’s very new territory for me to only be appreciated for my looks. Edited May 22, 2022 by babybrowns
salparadise Posted May 22, 2022 Posted May 22, 2022 If I were you I'd be taking the lead on getting past looks and on to more substantive topics. What are your areas of interest and expertise –– quantum physics, literature, history, visual arts, performance, film, psych/sociology, biology/medicine/health, economics, world affairs? I start looking for intellectual common ground early, because if it's not there all the looks in the world won't sustain it past the first few weeks. Just ask a few questions to see what he's got going on between the ears, and to demonstrate that you are multidimensional and need more than compliments and such. I'm surprised this didn't happen even before you met in person. 3
Author babybrowns Posted May 22, 2022 Author Posted May 22, 2022 (edited) 1 hour ago, glows said: Do like you were intending, up to two more dates and see how it goes. You are also seeing others? Don't overinvest in this. Early on I've ignored nonsense pet names from the start as it's easy to address a broad number of women by generic names like "gorgeous" without having to remember each person's name in conversation. You're sensing he's not as deep and he may be shallow in general. See how it goes. Ultimately it's your choice and purely instinctual when it comes to chemistry. This guy and you may have little chemistry, not just in the cerebral sense. Thank you, this is very true. What I find a little weird though, is that this guy already seems a little possessive. He’s often checking who I’m seeing on a night when I’m not with him, whether it’s a “friend” or someone else. He didn’t like it when I met up with my gay male best friend of 10 years, since I “seem to see him a lot”. Ironic since I’m the least multi-dating person and have never cheated on an ex. After meeting just twice!! Edited May 22, 2022 by babybrowns
Alpacalia Posted May 22, 2022 Posted May 22, 2022 (edited) 6 hours ago, babybrowns said: I do hold physical attraction towards him too, and even though we’ve not yet had sexual intercourse, we did get quite close to it on our second date. He didn’t push me to have sex, and when I told him my feelings on needing to know a guy for longer first, he said he’s very willing to wait. 2 hours ago, babybrowns said: He’s focussed on the physical and that’s it, at least that’s how it feels. It is making it less motivating for me to keep hanging out with him, naturally But what are you basing that on? He didn't say you have to be sexual after the second date. It does not seem like he exerted pressure on that front. Maybe this has nothing to do with looks. Possibly you feel you shot yourself in the foot by being so close to doing the deed on your second date and now worried that he won't see anything more of you. Edited May 22, 2022 by Alpacalia
glows Posted May 23, 2022 Posted May 23, 2022 1 hour ago, babybrowns said: Thank you, this is very true. What I find a little weird though, is that this guy already seems a little possessive. He’s often checking who I’m seeing on a night when I’m not with him, whether it’s a “friend” or someone else. He didn’t like it when I met up with my gay male best friend of 10 years, since I “seem to see him a lot”. Ironic since I’m the least multi-dating person and have never cheated on an ex. After meeting just twice!! It could be a passing observation. I wouldn’t read into that. Don’t text so much inbetween dates as it could lead to misunderstandings. If you dislike him stop seeing him. Remember not to play games either. You’re entitled to any discomfort you feel around someone but it makes zero sense to keep seeing that person.
basil67 Posted May 23, 2022 Posted May 23, 2022 2 hours ago, babybrowns said: Thank you, this is very true. What I find a little weird though, is that this guy already seems a little possessive. He’s often checking who I’m seeing on a night when I’m not with him, whether it’s a “friend” or someone else. He didn’t like it when I met up with my gay male best friend of 10 years, since I “seem to see him a lot”. Ironic since I’m the least multi-dating person and have never cheated on an ex. After meeting just twice!! Warning! Warning! This should be an absolute deal breaker. If it's like this after two meets, what's he going to be like at six months? Between this and the lack of emotional connection, you would be wise to walk away now. 3
Ami1uwant Posted May 23, 2022 Posted May 23, 2022 What is a pet name vs giving you a complement vs something else?
BaileyB Posted May 23, 2022 Posted May 23, 2022 1 hour ago, basil67 said: Warning! Warning! This should be an absolute deal breaker. If it's like this after two meets, what's he going to be like at six months? I agree with this and this is why I would end it now. It’s not appropriate for him to be voicing concern that you are spending time with anyone (gay best friend, female best friend, coworker, of man you met on plenty of fish) after two date - it’s none of his business. 1
glows Posted May 23, 2022 Posted May 23, 2022 I agree it’s none of his business. Not sure I would call him possessive. He seems to give you a terrible impression overall. Pay attention to your gut feelings.
basil67 Posted May 23, 2022 Posted May 23, 2022 I see a difference between his reactions to possible multi dating vs you spending time with people who aren't going to want sex with you (gay male and female friends). Not everyone is into multi dating. Like you, I'm not a fan and while I'd tolerate it for a handful of dates, I wouldn't continue with someone who didn't like me enough to choose exclusivity quite quickly. But I would not handle the issue in the way this man is. Given that you're not into multi dating - and I assume you've told him this - my concern about this guy is that he's using guilt trips and control instead of trusting that you're not a multi dating type. But him getting upset about you spending time with people who just friends is a whole other level of control. These are the kind of isolation techniques which abusers use. It's all bad @babybrowns End it now.
ExpatInItaly Posted May 23, 2022 Posted May 23, 2022 7 hours ago, babybrowns said: that he’s just thinking about the physical and not listening to a word I say. What is making you think that, though? What has he actually said or done that indicates he's ignoring everything but your appearance? I don't think the "gorgeous girl" comment is enough to make that assumption, so is there something else? 5 hours ago, babybrowns said: He’s often checking who I’m seeing on a night when I’m not with him, whether it’s a “friend” or someone else. He didn’t like it when I met up with my gay male best friend of 10 years, since I “seem to see him a lot”. This is what would concnern me a lot more. Bottom line - if you're already this uncomfortable after 2 dates, don't bother going on a third. It's a waste of time. 2
NuevoYorko Posted May 23, 2022 Posted May 23, 2022 (edited) You've seen him TWO TIMES. Nothing else has been built, but he finds you attractive. Most early dating is based on attraction. It's normal. But not listening to a word you say? Nope. But, you feel like a "paper doll" and are not enjoying yourself. Also the attitude about your friends and social activities would be unacceptable for me, anyway. Sounds like a control freak. Edited May 23, 2022 by NuevoYorko 4
Alpacalia Posted May 23, 2022 Posted May 23, 2022 (edited) 1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said: This is what would concnern me a lot more. Bottom line - if you're already this uncomfortable after 2 dates, don't bother going on a third. It's a waste of time. Yes, I agree. I'm not sure why you didn't mention this in the opening post. Wanting to know your whereabouts and becoming upset when you spend time with friends is concerning. His comments come across as insecure and possessive. In light of that, I am not sure why you question a deeper emotional connection on his part. Which, after two dates is a bit unrealistic, in any case. Edited May 23, 2022 by Alpacalia 2
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