The guy I'm dating has midterms and we haven't talked in a week, should I text him?

[scrltyukatas]

I’ve been dating this guy for around a month and we went out three times. His birthday was a a week ago, so I told him we can go out sometime so I can treat him to something. He said ‘Sureee, maybe Thursday or Friday, because I have midterms all week and next week but we can go out for some time.’ I then suggested Thursday at 7. He said ‘Let me confirm because I’m not sure whether I’ll be free or not. Because University is being extremely draining.’

I said ‘Ok, tell me when it suits you’ and kind of ended the conversation. It’s been a week, and we haven’t talked since then, except when I replied to his story and he replied like he normally would.

I know that midterms can be draining in his major, especially since he’s ranked 2nd so he obviously cares about grades, and I know that he truly ended up being busy on Thursday (with work) and that he probably hasn’t gone out ever since midterms started because he always posts stories if he does and he hasn’t in a week.

I’d normally leave it be, but he was showing promising signs. The last time we met he let it slip that he told his best friend about me, and how he texts me quickly even though he doesn’t like texting and prefers real life conversations. Also, he told me about his midterms beforehand so he technically communicated. Does it sound like I’m getting ghosted? I’m getting conflicting signals.

[Ami1uwant]

You can send him a simple text.

 

at the time he talked he might have known the exact exam times and how much time he might have to take each test.  He also doesn’t know how much studying he needs

[stillafool]

54 minutes ago, scrltyukatas said:

and I know that he truly ended up being busy on Thursday (with work) and that he probably hasn’t gone out ever since midterms started because he always posts stories if he does and he hasn’t in a week.

If he's working on Thursday why would he tell you Thurs at 7PM and you seem to understand?  I don't care how busy a guy is he always has 3-5 minutes to check in on a girl he likes.  Not a whole week. 

[Alpacalia]

It might just be that he is waiting for a lull in his hectic schedule to call you.

Agree with Ami1uwant.

Why not wish him luck on his exams?

[ExpatInItaly]

I personally would not reach out again. 

You invited him out, he said he would confirm - and then didn't. The ball is in his court now. He would have gotten back to you if he were keen to keep this thing going. Even with midterms, he can find time to post a story on social media...which also means he could have found a couple minutes to get back to you. 

It sounds to me like something has changed for him, unfortunately. 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, scrltyukatas said:

 we went out three times. . Does it sound like I’m getting ghosted?.

After 3 dates, keep in mind you're not exclusive and both still talking to and meeting others.

A text takes 5 seconds and he hasn't communicated in a week and was iffy at best about your last invitation.

He knows you're interested and knows your contact info, so rather than chase harder, step back and see what he does.

[pianofordummies]

Is he generally a studious guy, or otherwise very passionate/determined about getting through his midterms? I ask because a lot students aren't that bothered about studying, and so many of them procrastinate/go on social media/etc, so it seems unusual for a young guy to not want to talk to ANYONE while he studies. It does sound like he may be using this as an excuse to not really stay in touch - some people don't know or want to be upfront about not wanting to talk much, and use things like this an excuse. 

Of course, I don't know him and he may just be finding it hard to focus, needs little distractions, etc. I would send one general, light, easygoing kind of message and see how it goes from there. Or, as someone else suggested, just fall back and see whether he reaches out or not... although that approach may put you into a kind of 'waiting' mindset, as opposed to just contacting him and seeing what happens. It's not the end of the world or a bad thing to reach out to him, it's been a while.

Edited May 20, 2022 by pianofordummies

[glows]

The answer for you probably leans heavily on whether you are comfortable taking the lead in such things or whether you care that much if he doesn't even respond upon you messaging. And I suggest you not care that much. Keep in mind that his lack of follow up also strongly indicates other things -  too busy, giving excuses, incapacitated to some degree right now and not able to date or just not interested. 

I wouldn't follow up not based on not being comfortable being the one to reach out or taking that lead but realizing that a person may be in a radically different part of their life, compared to someone else for example, and not compatible in other ways such lack of available time or organization. 

 

[scrltyukatas]

I have been dating this guy for about a month now, and we went out three times. 

Things were well. He was attentive, would text me after going out to tell me how much he enjoyed his time and would initiate conversations everyday. We also talked about our past dating history and he told me that he had two relationships 5 and 6 years ago.

But a week ago, he said he has midterms, so I gave him space. One week later, still no texts. Around this time he also started sharing things on social media that make him seem like he’s not over someone. The most worrying was a post someone else wrote which says ‘Good news, guys! I’ve finally moved on’ and he shared it and said ‘Wish that was me’ 

It’s very confusing because I saw the warning signs when I dated someone who was not over an ex. He was much less attentive, and it made sense when I found out what’s up. This time, it doesn’t make sense.

I texted him ask how he’s doing, and then I’m planning to confront him about the distance. I thought about just ghosting and letting it go, but I feel like I have the right to ask about it since he showed signs of serious interest so it’s not outrageous of me to wonder what’s up. Do you guys think I should text, and how can I phrase it well?

[smackie9]

It was only 3 dates, you are not exclusive, so not worth the effort...the evidence is pretty clear, and by his actions he's not ready. Just walk away.

[scrltyukatas]

I’ve been dating this guy for a month. It was going well but we hadn’t talked in a week, he said he has midterms but I’m not sure whether it’s that or him ignoring me. I texted him yesterday asking him how he’s doing, he replied a couple of hours later saying sorry for being late and explaining why he was, and asking how I am. He seemed enthusiastic about texting, which made me more confused.

I still want to ask where we stand, though. I was thinking of ‘I have a quick question. I did enjoy the couple of times we went out and I was under the impression that you did too, but we haven’t talked in awhile and it’s making me confused.’

I don’t wanna come off as desperate, and don’t want to scare him away either. Is this a good way to phrase it, or should I change something?

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately he's busy and maybe ghosting or dating others. Don't chase harder, step back.

Replied to your identical thread:

 

[scrltyukatas]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately he's busy and maybe ghosting or dating others. Don't chase harder, step back.

Replied to your identical thread:

 

I feel like stepping back would put me into ‘waiting’ mode though, so I’d rather just ask and if he’s not interested, I’ll be able to move on easily instead of being hung up/wondering

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, scrltyukatas said:

I feel like stepping back would put me into ‘waiting’ mode though, 

There's no reason to "wait". Date others. He's not holding you up.

Don't hold your breath for uninterested men or chase uninterested men or have relationship talks with uninterested men. 

 

[Alpacalia]

4 hours ago, scrltyukatas said:

still want to ask where we stand, though. I was thinking of ‘I have a quick question. I did enjoy the couple of times we went out and I was under the impression that you did too, but we haven’t talked in awhile and it’s making me confused.’

I don’t wanna come off as desperate, and don’t want to scare him away either. Is this a good way to phrase it, or should I change something?

No.

You sent a text.

It's good that he responded but doesn't sound like he wants to move things forward.

[Kamille]

You have been proactive. You initiated one conversation. See if he initiates the next. As others have said, keep busy and continue to date others in the mean time. 

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, scrltyukatas said:

so I’d rather just ask and if he’s not interested, I’ll be able to move on easily instead of being hung up/wondering

The thing is, very few people will come right out and say they're not interested. 

He might respond with something vague, just enough to keep you wondering still. So you can go ahead and ask him, but then ask yourself how you will proceed if he doesn't provide a clear answer. 

Based on what you have written, though, he doesn't appear to be overly eager to see you again. He responded to you, yeah, but when did he last intitiate? 

[stillafool]

5 hours ago, scrltyukatas said:

I still want to ask where we stand, though. I was thinking of ‘I have a quick question.

A long time ago when I was dating if a guy asked me "where do we stand" after 3 dates it would scare me off unless it was obvious that we both were head over heels for each other.  Wait, time has a way of revealing the truth.

[dramafreezone]

On 5/20/2022 at 3:44 AM, pianofordummies said:

Is he generally a studious guy, or otherwise very passionate/determined about getting through his midterms? I ask because a lot students aren't that bothered about studying, and so many of them procrastinate/go on social media/etc, so it seems unusual for a young guy to not want to talk to ANYONE while he studies. It does sound like he may be using this as an excuse to not really stay in touch - some people don't know or want to be upfront about not wanting to talk much, and use things like this an excuse. 

 

He's ranked second in his class so probably someone who takes his academics pretty seriously.

OP I say leave him be and wait for him to contact you.  You don't know what's going on, what his process to studying is and how long he needs for decompression. Also it's only been a couple of dates.  He's apparently a serious student so he's probably not going to allow anyone getting in the way of his purpose/goals. 

Being understanding, cool and patient would work in your favor, just my opinion.  In the meantime what the others have said makes sense, continue to circulate and don't wait on anyone.

Edited May 25, 2022 by dramafreezone