Bf doesn't have time for me because of his hobbies?

[ohso]

This is the same guy that I wrote about who just used to cancel dates. He got a bit better on that though it still sometimes happens.

Now the problem is he has many hobbies who take up all his free time after work. At first I was understanding and I tried to keep myself busy too with my social life, but I'm fed up now. 

He spends almost every day with his friends and his hobbies and only makes time for me on the weekend. And even then he finds ways to visits his friends on his way to our date. 

When he's with me he spends a lot of time on his phone talking to his friends, arranging meet ups and so on. Part of it is connected to his job but not everything. 

If he's not on his phone, he's tired and distracted.

He asked me to come with him and his friends several times but I'm not into what they are into. I tried and I was very bored. I didn't connect with no one also. Besides I wish for intimate time one on one with him.

I don't know how to talk to him about it. I did but it didn't change anything. I don't want him to give up his hobbies for me and I don't want to be asking him to make time for me. I wish he just did on his own. 

So, is he not that into me? His family comes first, then his job, then hobbies and friends. I feel I need to beg to squeeze in his schedule. 

I love him, I think he is not cheating. I don't know what should I do because I'm not happy like this?

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening . People make time for what is important to them. Don't beg for scraps of attention. Instead reflect if this is the right situation and man for you.

[ExpatInItaly]

He’s not that into you, no.

Talking to him about it again isn’t going to change that. It’s time to just let him go so you can find a guy who’s excited to spend time with you. This one isn’t. 

[bene]

There’s a wise saying: “Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.”

What is so great about this guy? Are you sure that you’re not just projecting your wish to find a boyfriend onto him? All I see is a guy who is lukewarm at best. 

[ItsTheDay]

2 hours ago, ohso said:

Now the problem is he has many hobbies

What are his many hobbies? 

[BaileyB]

Nothing saying you have to date this man. 

Of what he is offering isn’t working for you, then you have a decision to make. 

Edited May 18, 2022 by BaileyB

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, ohso said:

So, is he not that into me? His family comes first, then his job, then hobbies and friends. I feel I need to beg to squeeze in his schedule. 

I love him, I think he is not cheating. I don't know what should I do because I'm not happy like this?

I just think you two are not compatible as you were told before.  You need someone who wants to spend alone time and a lot of one on one time with you.  He needs a woman who likes getting together with people and doing things.  You both would be happier with people you're more compatible with.  It's like you're trying to fit a square peg in a found hole.

[Acacia98]

3 hours ago, ohso said:

This is the same guy that I wrote about who just used to cancel dates. He got a bit better on that though it still sometimes happens.

 (...)

He spends almost every day with his friends and his hobbies and only makes time for me on the weekend. And even then he finds ways to visits his friends on his way to our date. 

When he's with me he spends a lot of time on his phone talking to his friends, arranging meet ups and so on. 

One interesting thing I noticed about flakey people: they always (in my experience) turn out to be lousy boyfriends, girlfriends or friends. So this guy seems to fit that mold. Someone who often cancels dates (as he did) does not value your time and, by extension, will turn out not to value you too much.

Sure enough, you go on to mention the bits about him finding ways to visit his friends while on the way to a date with you and him talking to them on the phone when he's with you... That's just... I don't know--different? Look, this guy does not value you. He also seems to be lacking in basic emotional intelligence. 

You can honestly do better all by yourself, OP.

[glows]

3 hours ago, ohso said:

I feel I need to beg to squeeze in his schedule.

You're not compatible. Let go and move on with someone who is more compatible with you. Piling on that many activities is also one way to cope with resentment in a relationship. If a person is so busy with something else, he/she never does confront or address the major elephant in the room (an overdue break up). 

[smackie9]

When someone starts dating a person they are really into, they usually take some time off from seeing friends and doing activities right? They make time for them because they like being with them. This guy ain't into you. You are beating a dead horse here. Date those who treat you the way you want to be treated. You don't sit around and complain, talk to them about it, or hope soon things with change. Waste of your time. Just stop and drop, move on.

[mark clemson]

If you've been "trying to make it work" and "it's just not working" there is a good chance it's because you're not very compatible. He is who he is and it sounds like his personality is not particularly well suited to someone who prefers a lot of attention in a relationship (which is a lot of folks, I think).

[NuevoYorko]

Just sounds like he is not "boyfriend material" for you.   I know it's hard to not take it personally, but it's clear that you have enough information by now to know that this is the way it is.  

[ShyViolet]

Why are you even still dating a man who is making it crystal clear that he's not that interested in being with you?  You can talk to him until you're blue in the face but it won't change things. You can't make a person want to be with you who simply doesn't want to.  He wants to keep you at arm's length but doesn't want to make you an integral part of his life.  It's time for you to stop wasting your time with this.

[Ami1uwant]

8 hours ago, ohso said:

This is the same guy that I wrote about who just used to cancel dates. He got a bit better on that though it still sometimes happens.

Now the problem is he has many hobbies who take up all his free time after work. At first I was understanding and I tried to keep myself busy too with my social life, but I'm fed up now. 

He spends almost every day with his friends and his hobbies and only makes time for me on the weekend. And even then he finds ways to visits his friends on his way to our date. 

When he's with me he spends a lot of time on his phone talking to his friends, arranging meet ups and so on. Part of it is connected to his job but not everything. 

If he's not on his phone, he's tired and distracted.

He asked me to come with him and his friends several times but I'm not into what they are into. I tried and I was very bored. I didn't connect with no one also. Besides I wish for intimate time one on one with him.

I don't know how to talk to him about it. I did but it didn't change anything. I don't want him to give up his hobbies for me and I don't want to be asking him to make time for me. I wish he just did on his own. 

So, is he not that into me? His family comes first, then his job, then hobbies and friends. I feel I need to beg to squeeze in his schedule. 

I love him, I think he is not cheating. I don't know what should I do because I'm not happy like this?

i don’t recall your past thread.

 

have you met his friends? His family?  Do you know if his friends are in relationships?  What do they do that you don’t like?

you can’t have him stop seeing friends.

[Els]

Having hobbies and friends is important, but anyone who cares about their partner will balance their hobbies around time with their partner. If he's only seeing you two days a week and is still trying to find ways to get friends into those two days, I think it's rather safe to say that he doesn't care about spending time with you.

[Alvi]

11 hours ago, ohso said:

He spends almost every day with his friends and his hobbies and only makes time for me on the weekend. And even then he finds ways to visits his friends on his way to our date. 

When he's with me he spends a lot of time on his phone talking to his friends, arranging meet ups and so on. Part of it is connected to his job but not everything. 

If he's not on his phone, he's tired and distracted.

 

11 hours ago, ohso said:

is family comes first, then his job, then hobbies and friends. I feel I need to beg to squeeze in his schedule. 

I see three possibilities here. 

One - He has already checked out of this relationship and is doing everything possible to avoid spending time with you. He may wants to play a good guy route and is waiting for you to break up with him. There is a poster on here, who said that he never dumped anybody himself.  Instead, he was behaving in such a  way that a woman had no choice but to dump him. Somehow, this was supposed to make a woman feel better if she was the one who did the dumping. 

Two - The two of you are at the different stages in life. You are probably wanting to settle down and start a family. And he is still into the going out all the time with his buddies mode. If you were into the partying and meeting friends yourself, I don't think it would bother you much. But you are probably passed that stage. His family comes first because let's face it, he does not think about you as his family. Perhaps, he is trying to build his career before starting a family, don't know how much you can do about that.

Three - The two of you have different set of priorities. Even if you are in love, that is going to make two of you not very compatible. I can't imagine  it being a good thing  to be the very last one significant other's list. You can talk about being a higher priority to him but I honestly don't know if it is going to do much good.

 

[basil67]

12 hours ago, ohso said:

I don't know how to talk to him about it. I did but it didn't change anything.

It didn't change anything because this is who he is. 

There is no longer anything to talk about - it's now up to you to decide if you want to continue with him as is.

[Lotsgoingon]

You're not compatible. Period.

Dump this guy. What do you mean you "love" him? What is there to love about a guy who treats you like an acquaintance. His life is his friends, not you. And when he's with you, he's distracted and on his phone.

Drop that "love" talk.  Shake yourself up here--you're loving someone who you are miserable with.

[dramafreezone]

16 hours ago, ohso said:

This is the same guy that I wrote about who just used to cancel dates. He got a bit better on that though it still sometimes happens.

Now the problem is he has many hobbies who take up all his free time after work. At first I was understanding and I tried to keep myself busy too with my social life, but I'm fed up now. 

He spends almost every day with his friends and his hobbies and only makes time for me on the weekend. And even then he finds ways to visits his friends on his way to our date. 

When he's with me he spends a lot of time on his phone talking to his friends, arranging meet ups and so on. Part of it is connected to his job but not everything. 

If he's not on his phone, he's tired and distracted.

He asked me to come with him and his friends several times but I'm not into what they are into. I tried and I was very bored. I didn't connect with no one also. Besides I wish for intimate time one on one with him.

I don't know how to talk to him about it. I did but it didn't change anything. I don't want him to give up his hobbies for me and I don't want to be asking him to make time for me. I wish he just did on his own. 

So, is he not that into me? His family comes first, then his job, then hobbies and friends. I feel I need to beg to squeeze in his schedule. 

I love him, I think he is not cheating. I don't know what should I do because I'm not happy like this?

What are his hobbies?   I mean you admit he's asked you to come along, so it's not like you aren't invited or not welcome.  Did you go with a positive attitude or something you'd decided you weren't into beforehand?

I think at times we do things in the relationship not because it's what we want to do but it's what makes that other person happy.  If you want more from him you have to give IMO  I think it's a huge turn on when a GF watches a football game with me and they act least act like they're into it.  It makes me want to do the same, do something for her.  On the other hand if she sits there and sulks, then I'd say just don't even bother.

Why can't you ask him for more one-on-one intimate time, take the initative and plan for that if you want it?  You said you just wish he'd do it?  You can't just be this passive in the relationship, you have to communicate better than you've been doing and take more initative.

Edited May 19, 2022 by dramafreezone

[chillii]

Yeah unfortunately op l'd agree with some others. He's a people person and hobbies, that's who he is. You shouldn't have to twist his arm being with you should be just as important to him but in this type of person it just isn't. He sounds doubtfully into you enough also to but look l know of a guy 50s, supposedly madly in love and yet he's happy to still only see her once a wk after 4yrs, and even then he'd still love some friends along to. The rest it's friends, family, biking, he has no complaints at all, meanwhile she is as yourself and about to dump him fed up with it.

She's 49, she wants a family life with their kids and being together .

Edited May 19, 2022 by chillii

[Wiseman2]

On 5/18/2022 at 5:50 AM, ohso said:

 talk to him about it. I did but it didn't change anything. 

It's good you made yourself clear by trying to talk to him. Unfortunately he doesn't seem to care and continues to put your relationship last on the list of what's important to him. Talking at him even more won't help.

Now is the time to step back and reconsider whether you are happy or not and decide if you want to continue overinvesting in someone who's not invested in you .

[mortensorchid]

You might want to reconsider the entire situation.  Someone makes time to do the things they want to do, and that includes having the courtesy for someone's SO.  

Have you considered saying something about this to him?  I mean, you don't want to be overly needy but make enough time and effort to put in for you.  Life is difficult, you have so much to do be it work, play, pay attention to the people around you (friends, SO, family, kids, etc.) and it's HARD in all caps.  But it has to also be on the part of others. 

[NuevoYorko]

1 hour ago, mortensorchid said:

 

Have you considered saying something about this to him?  

She did.  This is a situation where repeatedly bringing up the "issue" over time is never going to do anything to improve it.  In fact, it will make things worse for the OP if she decides to stay.   Whatever time they do spend together will be under the shadow of her unhappiness with him and his unwillingness to make compromises for her.  

Now that it's been brought up, she has 2 choices.  Accept the circumstances just as they are today, or move on.  

[dramafreezone]

12 hours ago, chillii said:

Yeah unfortunately op l'd agree with some others. He's a people person and hobbies, that's who he is. You shouldn't have to twist his arm being with you should be just as important to him but in this type of person it just isn't. He sounds doubtfully into you enough also to but look l know of a guy 50s, supposedly madly in love and yet he's happy to still only see her once a wk after 4yrs, and even then he'd still love some friends along to. The rest it's friends, family, biking, he has no complaints at all, meanwhile she is as yourself and about to dump him fed up with it.

 

Well, I've seen the other side numerous times, the guy stops hanging out with his friends, stops his hobbies and makes the GF the center of his life.  Then the GF says he's too clingy and dumps him.    There's such a thing as too much availability too.

Relationships are hard work.  I think the OP needs to take more of an active role in making things happen.  Actually partake in his hobbies and have a good attitude about it, at least pretend to like it.  In relationships we pretend things a lot, we pretend that her cooking is good when it's not, she pretends his jokes are funny when they're not.   We pretend to like birthday and anniversary gifts if they miss the mark.  What would relationships be like if we were 100% truthful?  Your cooking sucks, you're not funny, this is a crappy anniversary gift.  People would be awful to one another, and they often are when neither side cares about the other's feelings.

That's part of being in a relationship, going above and beyond to make that other person feel good, being selfless.  But if both people are just in it for themselves, not gonna work, and I think that's the main problem with the OP.  Both seem dug in on their own self-interests, but I do tend to side more with the BF as he has tried to include her in his hobbies.

At least if she gives his hobbies a consistent good faith effort and he doesn't return the favor, then she can say she gave it her best try.  On the other hand, if she doesn't want to give it a good faith effort, then maybe that's a sign that she needs to find someone for who she wants to go above and beyond.  Some bring out our good qualities more than others.

Edited May 19, 2022 by dramafreezone

[Mrin]

Incompatible.

It is just like shopping. You don't want what he's selling. He's not selling what you want.

Move along

 

Edited May 19, 2022 by Mrin