couchguy Posted May 18, 2022 Posted May 18, 2022 TL;DR; I (29m) and, we’ll call her Ashley (24f), had been seeing each other for several months and things were going amazingly, but she recently said we had to stop as she has become overwhelmed with conflicting feelings (understandably, explained below) and just wants to be alone right now. It’s been almost a month now and I’ve been an emotional and mental wreck, with no signs of improvement and I need advice on what to do. Now the full story to give context… Ashley and I grew up in the same hometown. We are 5 years apart so we only really just knew of each other growing up (small rural town), but she has 2 older brothers near my age who to this day are still 2 of my best friends. Fast forward, I go off to college and then grad school. She ends up going to the same college. This is where our friendship began. Through shared interests and having the same mutual friends, we end up becoming quite close friends in college. We would casually hang out, go out drinking, etc. together. We were both very much in our “wild stage” and were sleeping around with other people and overall enjoying the college experience. We’d laugh/gossip to each other about our most recent hookups, talk about personal things, etc. We really clicked as friends and became very close. I would even sometimes sleep in her bed with her, but everything remained completely platonic and the most we ever did during these years was hug each other. Friends would often say we should be together, but we both weren’t at a stage in our life where we were looking for anything serious. Admittedly, at one point, I did start to begin having feelings for her on a romantic level, but they were somewhat confusing to me at the time, and I did not want to jeopardize our awesome friendship by bringing it up. I was able to suppress them and move on without ever telling her. Eventually she graduated college and moved back home to pursue getting into med school. I had finished grad school and landed a great job. Over the next several years, Ashley and I’s friendship remained, but was definitely less involved than before. We’d see each other maybe once every 3-5 months at friend gatherings (remember, small town life). We’d always greet with a hug and make small talk, but we were not as close as we were before. During this time, she also had gotten a boyfriend, we’ll call him Tony. Tony was cool and I really did like him at the time. He was several years younger than her and had dropped out of college, but was a really chill and nice dude and I enjoyed hanging out with him as well. They really seemed to get along great and were a good couple. I was happy for Ashley. In the fall of 2020, Ashley got accepted into med school halfway across the country and moved out there with Tony. They lived together out there and during this time, my communication with her had really fallen off. We may have texted each other happy birthday’s and seen each other briefly when she was back visiting, but that was it. I was engulfed in my job, working a lot and living the single life. I had matured tenfold by now, no longer partying all the time or sleeping around. I hadn’t been in a real relationship for 6 years now, and around late 2019 realized I was actually ready to settle down if the right girl came along. Over the next 2 years I had virtually no luck in the dating world and a quiet sadness/longing was growing inside me that I would never find someone. I would be a liar if I said I didn’t think of Ashley every now and again, thinking how close we were and wondering if that could have been something, thinking I blew it by not telling her my feelings years ago. But I accepted that that ship had sailed, as she had been with Tony for several years now, and doing great as far as I knew. I assumed they would get married when she finished med school. ---- Skip ahead to December 2021...I randomly get a text from Ashley (we hadn’t spoke in over 6 months atleast) asking if I wanted to go to Vegas in a couple weeks with her and her parents. I was a little confused but excited. I hadn’t traveled since Covid and had been looking for an excuse to get away. Keep in mind, I had grown up friends with her brothers, so I was also pretty close with her parents and have known them my whole life and they liked me. I’d been to Vegas with them all several times before in college, so I didn’t find it all that weird. She then explained to me that she and Tony had just broken up. She had come home for winter break while he stayed out there. He had some people over for a small party and cheated on her (with 2 girls!). He felt the guilt and came clean on the phone with her the next day. This was absolutely out of left field and just devastating. I was shocked when I heard. Her parents had already planned and paid for this trip for the 4 of them, and decided Ashley needed a friend to go along or she would be miserable. I later found out both her brother and her mom were the ones that suggested she ask me to go. ---- Going into the trip I truthfully had zero intentions of doing anything with her or it leading to anything. I was just excited to get away on vacation, and catch up with an old friend who I hadn’t seen in forever. I felt extremely bad for her and wanted to be there for her to make sure she had a good time and get her mind off the breakup for a few days. To spare all the details of the trip, we had a great time. The first few days were spent just hanging out and catching up on life. We were comfortable with each other just like old times. It really was nice and we were both happy to be around each other. She seemed to be handling herself very well and having a good time, which surprised me a little. The third day is when things escalated. We were drinking steadily throughout the day and tensions were increasing. Jump to that night and she asked me to stay the night in her room with her (we had separate rooms). We layed in bed and talked for awhile, and soon began making out. One thing led to another and we had sex. I was hesitant at first, thinking it might be awkward or that it wasn’t a good idea, but it was not awkward at all and we both agreed it was amazing. Afterwards we laid there and that’s when I threw everything out on the table…. ---- Nervously I confessed to her about the feelings I had for her back in college but never said anything, and then about how I’ve been thinking about her the past few years wondering if I had let the right one get away. To my pleasant surprise, she was very receptive. She told me she had sometimes thought about me in the same way over the past couple years. And that Tony was actually not a fan of me; they had once gotten in a fight over me because Tony noticed how she always laughed at my jokes and how close we were. When Tony found out I was going to Vegas with them (she felt obligated to tell him since it was supposed to be their trip), he said “I always knew that if you weren’t with me that you would be with OP”. The next and final night in Vegas was essentially a repeat of the night before, and we stayed up late again talking and going more in depth about what happens next. She was moving back close to home and transferring to a school 45 mins from me as she could not fathom continuing to live with him across the country. We both agreed we really like each other and would take it slow and see where things go from here. I made it very clear I had no intentions of disrupting her life and understood the trauma of the situation she was going through and that I wanted her to do whatever she wanted to do without any pressure from me. I had a strong feeling of guilt that I felt like I was “swooping in” on her in this vulnerable state she is in, but she assured me not to feel like that and she knows that is not the case. ---- We returned home from vacation and the following events of January and February 2022 can be lumped together. We began texting every day and then slowly hanging out more and more often. Things were great. We really enjoyed each other’s company and were very comfortable around each other. There was an obvious chemistry between us. We’d go on dates, binge watch netflix, and sleep over at each other’s places. My job required me to travel often, and the times I was gone, we’d facetime all evening and night just hanging out talking about nothing for hours. The longer this continued, I was falling for this girl more and more and she was too for me. We were extremely open with each other, and honesty about our feelings was a top priority. We could tell each other anything and everything without fear of hurting the other person. We often talked about the future such as how many kids we want and proper parenting, where we want to settle down including details of our dream home, what a successful marriage would entail, our values/beliefs/morals etc. Basically laid out how we each envision the rest of our lives and we agreed on essentially everything. We’d reminisce on old times and how it’s obvious now that something says we should be together. How all of our friends, family, and people in our hometown would be so happy to see us together. She’d joke (but was serious) about how she wanted to have my babies and how I’d be the most perfect father and husband. During this period, we were working under the mutual pretense that it’s just too soon after her breakup to be dating. I continuously made it clear I did not want her to feel any pressure from me as far as starting an official relationship. I was okay with continuing on with how things were and giving her the time and space she needed until she naturally felt comfortable with it. She was always very appreciative of this and thanked me for it. By now, I felt a blanket of comfort and happiness in life that I haven’t felt in over a decade, and all my worries and stresses about life and the future had disappeared. ---- However, it was obvious that she was still deeply hurt by what happened with Tony and the trauma it caused. This nice guy who she was happily with for several years and thought she was going to marry, just up and cheated on her one night. It didn’t make sense to her, her family, me or anyone. And Tony was not dealing with it well at all. After a few weeks he decided to move back home and moved into a place 5 minutes away from Ashley’s. He was constantly texting and calling her in tears and apologizing, promising to do anything to get her back and make it right. The problem with Ashley is she’s an extremely caring person, and hates to see anyone sad or in distress when it’s in any way related to her. She felt sorry for him and hated seeing him like this and would try to console with him, but at the same time could not see herself getting back together with him. Ashley would tell me about this and their conversations and I would offer my advice. She’d even tell me when they would meet up and talk. I obviously did not like this, but I understood this is part of the healing process and did not get upset with her for doing so. She assured me they were not doing anything but talking, and I truly believe her. She was still disgusted and angry at what he did to her. Most of March was much of the same as Jan and Feb, but I could tell Ashley was beginning to struggle even more. We were still growing closer and closer, but she was still trying to make sense of what happened with Tony. We’d be great, then out of the blue I could tell something was off and we’d talk about it. She’d explain how she is trying not to treat me like a boyfriend but it’s hard not to. How she doesn’t want to create a false sense of reality in a sense of us being and talking like we’re in a relationship when we’re not. How she wishes she could just give me her all but she still has reservations and hasn’t allowed herself to get into the mindset of really liking someone again. She’d say she really likes me a lot and she feels bad saying all this to me because she knows I am ready to jump in at any time and she doesn’t want to hurt me. She would say I am everything she ever wanted in a man including the way I treat her, but she just wants to get over this stage in her life to where she’s not in a limbo all the time and she just wants to get past it. She said she really thought she’d have trust issues after what happened with Tony, but that with me it’s different and if we were together there isn’t a doubt in her mind about trust with me. We had these talks for a few random days over the span of a couple weeks, and then things seemingly return back to normal. We were all over each other again and hanging out/going on dates for the next few weeks. This brings me to early April. She invited me to her grandmother’s birthday party at her parents house, where it was just family and their significant others. Again, I have known all of these people my whole life so I wasn’t “meeting the family” for the first time. At this point, the family knew we had been talking and that we liked each other, but we weren’t wanting to give the impression to anyone that we were “together”, so we weren’t really showing close affection in front of everyone. The day was a lot of fun and we said our goodbyes and I went home in good spirits. ---- This brings me to the last chapter of the saga. We had plans to hangout the following night, but during the day I could tell something was off and she admitted she was an emotional wreck all day and just wants to be alone and canceled on me. This hurt me as I hate seeing in her distress and really wanted to see her, but I left it alone. The next day we decided we needed to talk and she invited me over. I go over there and I tell her how much fun I had at the family party and she agreed, but said it made her realize how she’s just not ready for that and that it was really hard for her. We have a long talk and she explains how she’s constantly having conflicted feelings about us and she’s not ready to dive into this because it’s just not easy right now. She said she wants it to be easy and just fall in love with me but she’s held back by her other emotions (she admitted she is not over Tony) and her head and heart get conflicted and it makes her want to just stop it all because it’s too much and overwhelming. She said she doesn’t want to hurt me but if this keeps going it’s just going to get worse. She just wanted to feel okay and she doesn’t right now. The conclusion of the conversation was that it had to stop or she would go crazy. I was heartbroken but there was nothing else I could do. I made it clear how much I liked her and how much she meant to me, and that I was hopeful things would eventually work out between us and if we were ever together I would do everything it took to make her happy for the rest of her life. She said she can’t promise anything but appreciated my sentiment. I stayed the night and concluded the next morning by saying I hope we can still talk as friends and without the feeling of anything attached to it from my end. This was one month ago now. Since then, we did hangout twice (both initiated by her). The first time just felt like a booty call and she was quite distant, which made me sad. The second time about a week later felt slightly more intimate and more “normal”, but still not anything like it used to be. It’s now been 2 weeks since we’ve seen each other. I’ve let her know on 3 separate occasions I was free to meetup casually as friends, but no go on any of them. We have texted and snapchatted a little bit about random stuff, but the vibe has definitely changed from her. Short replies…not mean or rude, but just simple short replies like you were texting a work colleague. Now it’s been a week without any contact. ---- I get it. I understand that when she brokeup with Tony, she expected to be single for a long time and not know what is in store in the next chapter of her life. But then here I show up less than a month later, and we unexpectedly begin falling in love. It was unplanned and we have both said before that it is bad timing. She has said many times that she knows if we ever dated that we would for sure get married. I know that can be a scary thought. It is for me too as I agree with her, but I have decided without a doubt in my mind that that’s what I want. She’s all I can think about day and night and I can’t get her out of my head. I want to be with her so badly and I just know we are meant to be. I know she really did like me too and she meant everything she ever said to me. I want to give her her space and time to be alone and I truly hope she heals mentally and emotionally, but the thought of losing her forever is absolutely devastating. The little devils in my head constantly bounce around the worst thoughts and I struggle to keep them out. What if she is seriously considering getting back together with Tony and giving him another chance? I know for sure that he hasn’t moved on and is still pleading to her. What if she is or starts talking to and seeing other guys? Then the bit about her just wanting to be alone was a lie. She is a very attractive person and not the type that has to go seek out men. What if her feelings for me are just fading away and she no longer feels the same way about me ever again? At this point, I can’t imagine ever finding anyone so perfect for me or wanting to be with anyone else. Plenty of fish in the sea, yeah yeah, but this woman checks every box of everything I ever wanted and so much more. I have zero interest in pursuing someone else. I talked to her brother last week about it all. His advice was if things were meant to be then they will work out in the end. He said he hopes we work out more than anything, but with what she said, I just need to be there for her as a friend and she will come back to me when it feels right for her. I think that’s good advice, but I struggle with how to be her friend without overwhelming her. How often do I text/snapchat her and not unintentionally remind her of our past feelings? She knows how I feel about her, so that’s a hard thing to juggle, even if I have told her no strings attached. The recent radio silence from her is eating at my soul and what’s driven me to write this post. I am constantly checking my phone hoping to see a text or snapchat from her, even if it’s about nothing, but it’s silent. She’ll occasionally post on her snapchat or Instagram story, typically just enjoying time with her friends or family, and seems very happy. I’m glad she is happy and hope she is healing, but I’m sitting here a mental and emotional wreck. I just want to chat and talk to her like before, but I don’t want to be too much. My mind always assumes the worst about what she’s doing on a daily basis in between the snippets I see of her on social media. I think: she’s probably hanging out with and becoming close again to Tony. She’s probably texting with another guy that is hitting on her. She seems happy and content not talking to me, so her feelings for me have probably disappeared and I’m left here in the dark. I realize these are all unfair and immature thoughts since I don’t actually know, but that’s where my mind goes and there’s always chance it’s true. I’ve hesitated all my life whether I believe in the “soul mate” concept, but if it does exist, I know for a fact that we are it. I want more than anything to make this happen, and I’m perfectly fine waiting on her and letting her be alone to heal if that’s what she truly needs to make it happen in the end. But it’s the other “what if” scenarios that play out differently that are driving me crazy and fill my head every minute of the day. It feels too perfect and very unlikely that in a couple months I’ll randomly get a text from her saying “I’m ready now” and then we live happily ever after. And at this point it feels like that’s the only scenario in which it plays out in my favor, so I feel down and defeated. If you made it through this entire post, I sincerely thank you for reading. I appreciate any thoughts, advice or discussion. Maybe you or someone you know has been through a similar situation, and I’d like to hear how it was handled and how it played out. Even if not, I welcome any insight you may have on how you think I should proceed or what I can expect to happen moving forward. What should I do, what should I not do? As selfish as it sounds, how do I make sure to not lose her again for good and in what ideal scenario do we organically find our way back together? Does she still love me and think about me, but isn’t talking to me in fear of falling into the same spiral as before? Or is she perfectly content and happy not to talk to me, and has moved on, not thinking about me much anymore?
glows Posted May 18, 2022 Posted May 18, 2022 I did read your entire post and I'm sorry you're in such pain. Judging from what you've written about her situation, it's not likely she'll be ready for anything serious with you for awhile. Being her friend will be painful for you while you see her get back with Tony or date other guys or enjoy the single life. Seeing as Tony moved so close to her within five minutes, I don't think they're over. She may even be giving him the idea that she still cares about him and is still deeply involved in his life for him to move so close in her vicinity. She may have told you before that she was being compassionate to his issues and guilt for cheating on her but read between the lines. A man doesn't get that close to his ex if she's not giving him some impression that there's still a chance. Tony would have to be a raving lunatic and a bit of a sociopath to follow her back and reside close to her or continue communicating with her if she was disinterested in anything to do with him. Your best chance at rekindling anything with her is to stay on top of your own commitments and ongoings and don't put your life on hold. Take care of your mental and emotional health, get well, when you feel better date other women. Approach it in such a way that you are fine with or without her because you can't make someone love you and it's unhealthy to be placing so much of your happiness on a person who isn't showing you the same interest that you do in her. I noticed her brother was telling you to stay friendly with her but I beg to differ. Don't keep messaging her and let her come to you. If you see her at socials or events in town, be your best self and be friendly but don't offer yourself on a silver platter. You both have some chemistry, leave it at that. I think you'll eventually have to put a limit at the amount of time you want to entertain the fantasy of being soulmates as that's what this is because even though you discussed your future plans, you both had no evidence at all of enduring a relationship, pursuing similar goals together or enduring any hardships as a couple. You both did none of those things. Stay grounded in reality and keep on with your personal or professional goals. 3
Ami1uwant Posted May 18, 2022 Posted May 18, 2022 I read most of it and heard the story many times before…. the problem was you became mr rebound to her. You should have waited for her to heal. I understand the first night in Vegas occurring but you should have stopped it then until she was ready to Perdue something. i get the jealousy by him to you. I’ve seen it myself with a college friend of mine and her second husband.
Author couchguy Posted May 18, 2022 Author Posted May 18, 2022 (edited) 2 hours ago, glows said: I did read your entire post and I'm sorry you're in such pain. Judging from what you've written about her situation, it's not likely she'll be ready for anything serious with you for awhile. Being her friend will be painful for you while you see her get back with Tony or date other guys or enjoy the single life. Seeing as Tony moved so close to her within five minutes, I don't think they're over. She may even be giving him the idea that she still cares about him and is still deeply involved in his life for him to move so close in her vicinity. She may have told you before that she was being compassionate to his issues and guilt for cheating on her but read between the lines. A man doesn't get that close to his ex if she's not giving him some impression that there's still a chance. Tony would have to be a raving lunatic and a bit of a sociopath to follow her back and reside close to her or continue communicating with her if she was disinterested in anything to do with him. Your best chance at rekindling anything with her is to stay on top of your own commitments and ongoings and don't put your life on hold. Take care of your mental and emotional health, get well, when you feel better date other women. Approach it in such a way that you are fine with or without her because you can't make someone love you and it's unhealthy to be placing so much of your happiness on a person who isn't showing you the same interest that you do in her. I noticed her brother was telling you to stay friendly with her but I beg to differ. Don't keep messaging her and let her come to you. If you see her at socials or events in town, be your best self and be friendly but don't offer yourself on a silver platter. You both have some chemistry, leave it at that. I think you'll eventually have to put a limit at the amount of time you want to entertain the fantasy of being soulmates as that's what this is because even though you discussed your future plans, you both had no evidence at all of enduring a relationship, pursuing similar goals together or enduring any hardships as a couple. You both did none of those things. Stay grounded in reality and keep on with your personal or professional goals. Thank you very much for the reply, I appreciate the thoughtful comment. Regarding Tony moving back, it honestly was not surprising. Firstly, he couldn't afford to stay out there alone as she covered most of the finances (much higher COL than home). She was also his whole world, and didn't really have any other friends out there, there was no reason to stay. Following the breakup, he was so distraught and not doing well, to the point of people being concerned he may hurt himself. Him moving back just brought him back to his family and close friends which he needed, but unfortunately also turned out to be in the same city that Ashley had moved to for school. Throughout our whole fling, I somewhat regularly would ask Ashley if she thought she'd get back with Tony. The answer was always that she did still care about him and his well-being, but that she didn't see anyway she could get back together with him after what he'd done. She felt betrayed and actually disgusted by it (apparently the 2 girls weren't anything special). She'd tell him that he just needs to move on and accept they can be friends but would not be getting back together. Ashley was very close to Tony's mom also, which did not help things either. At the time, I believe she meant what she said to him. My worry is something has changed in the past month that is making her reconsider. But on the flip side, her entire family and friends were on the "F Tony" side and have told her she should never get back with him. Hopefully she ultimately listens to that voice. But you are right. How I'm handling it now is totally unhealthy for me and I need to do better. It's extremely hard to get this whole thing out of my head and move on, but I will work at that. Edited May 18, 2022 by couchguy 1
Author couchguy Posted May 18, 2022 Author Posted May 18, 2022 1 hour ago, Ami1uwant said: I read most of it and heard the story many times before…. the problem was you became mr rebound to her. You should have waited for her to heal. I understand the first night in Vegas occurring but you should have stopped it then until she was ready to Perdue something. i get the jealousy by him to you. I’ve seen it myself with a college friend of mine and her second husband. You are right. Early on following Vegas that truly was the plan, to let her heal and not pursue anything, just hangout as friends like old times. But the more we hung out and kept clicking and realizing how much we liked each other and would make a great couple, it just turned into a downhill snowball that grew and grew with feelings. It was a mistake on both of our parts and we didn't realize what we had gotten ourselves into until it reached the point it did.
glows Posted May 18, 2022 Posted May 18, 2022 Yes, do stay in touch with anything else you need to do in terms of your health/career/personal goals. It's also smarter if you slowly distance yourself from her family (her parents and brothers). Stay in touch but make new friends. If the town is too small, who knows. You may want to be somewhere else and relocate/grow. In the meantime she's not interested so remain respectful as you are and don't hang on so tight to an illusion that life starts passing you by. Stay present in the here and now no matter how much it hurts or how confusing it may seem. 2
Calmandfocused Posted May 18, 2022 Posted May 18, 2022 Op I’m so sorry you are hurting. It’s obvious you care about this lady very much. To help yourself you need to understand that what happened between you in Vegas and thereafter was/ is her way of avoiding the emotional pain of her breakup with Tony. You are someone that she cares for and trusts, therefore you were a safe option. Someone who’d be there for her, and support her to heal. However your agendas are different. You’re aim is to grow your relationship you have with her. Her agenda is to get over Tony. Op, she’s emotionally unavailable. She cannot give her heart to you. Don’t you think you deserve more than the crumbs she is giving you? I’m not saying she’s doing this with bad intentions. I don’t think that at all. But her head is filled with Tony and that’s what’s taking charge for her at the moment. Do yourself a favour; go completely No contact. This includes not discussing her with her brothers. if she becomes emotionally available in the future, that’s great. But don’t wait around for her. Get on with your life and pursue what you want. Personally I think she’s going to go round the houses with Tony for a bit longer before they cut ties completely. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted May 18, 2022 Posted May 18, 2022 I'm sorry OP, but you were very clearly the rebound. That doesn't mean she isn't fond of you, but she is not over her ex and still obviously has feelings for him. And a lot of healing to do, if they don't wind up back together (don't be too shocked if she decides to try again with him, despite what she's told you) As such, it is not wise to try to be her friend right now. She doesn't need to be reminded of your past shared memories. She's fully aware, but her feelings for the ex are stronger at this time. It will hurt you to keep in touch while she continues to be distant. Let her go. Don't orbit around her. If she is going to come back to you, it won't be because you've made yourself readily available as Plan B. 1
lonelyplanetmoon Posted May 19, 2022 Posted May 19, 2022 I am sorry you are in so much pain. It is horrible to love someone so much and then have them leave you. You were foolish to engage with her so soon after such a devastating break up. Be honest with yourself. You did swoop in and you know it. You took advantage of her fragile state. And so this is your reward, to be her rebound. She used you while she needed a distraction. It is not possible for her to be emotionally available to you so soon after a break up. Her heart is tied in knots. And tangling with you just made the knots worse. Which is why she needed to stop. Chances are she may not have the same feelings for you after she heals herself. The mystery is gone, the innocence lost. She knows what to expect with you. That is the problem of being a rebound. I agree with everything glows said in her post. You should read it over and over until you understand it. You will save yourself a lot of heartache by going nc and getting on with your life. Waiting around will just leave you in this terrible state. Only you control the keys to your happiness not any girl or soul mate. 2
Author couchguy Posted May 19, 2022 Author Posted May 19, 2022 Thank you all for the insightful replies, I really appreciate it. I will be digesting this advice as I try and move forward. One thing that has been made very clear to me is that I should not be intentionally contacting her anymore. This was a big question I had within myself and I am seeing why I should not. It will only prolong the pain and will bring no benefit. This will be very hard, but atleast I know the correct path forward. Thank you again. 1
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