I don't understand online dating

May 20, 2022

20 hours ago, basil67 said:

I suspect this author was male As a woman, I can think of three more shopping methods and all can be compared to dating. They are all related to being the maximiser who doesn't miss out - that's how I shop. This woman knows how to work her options for the best outcome.

If I go into a store and like the blouse but I'm not sure, I ask the store to hold it for me for a couple of hours while I check other options. If I don't like anything else, I'll go back and get blouse #1. Another option is that I buy blouse #1 and then find blouse #2, can't decide between them and buy it too. Both of these are the multi daters.

Alternately, I may buy blouse #1 but then find something I like more, buy it and return blouse #1. This is someone who gives a date or two and then ends it because there's a better options she's talking with.

The women who ask to put it on hold are
the women who on dating apps will
disappear for a week and then come back
later marching back in with gusto. It's a
turn off. No one likes to be an option or a
second choice.

On the flip side, there are those who would
shower you with compliments, tell you
you're amazing, have long conversations
with you, and three days later ghost.

That was my experience in the past.

These days, I put a lot less effort into it,
and expect them to put as much effort in
return. If they don't, I don't bother.

May 20, 2022

You may not want to be an option, but until you've met and found a real connection, you can't expect to be anything more.

May 20, 2022

Cost benefit analysis tells me that online dating just isn’t worth the energy and time I first thought I needed to put into it.

I think the best strategy with online dating is to lay low, and wait until someone chases after me and consistently over a few days shows great interest. If I like her, I’ll stick with it. If not, I’ll gracefully bow out.

Otherwise, it’s too consuming, in time and emotions. You get your hopes up for nothing.

May 20, 2022

2 minutes ago, basil67 said:

You may not want to be an option, but until you've met and found a real connection, you can't expect to be anything more.

It’s been my experience that if you’re an option the first time, you continue to be an option for a while, weeks. It’s almost as though the return period window doesn’t close and she’s still looking around.

May 20, 2022

You're unlikely to find someone who chases, but what about a woman who simply matches your enthusiasm?

May 20, 2022

Or, you could balance how much time you put into it and avoid getting emotionally invested until you meet someone.

Honestly, I was always shocked when men got mad at me on dating applications for not responding, or not responding fast enough, or not living up to some kind of test they had set up.

A complete stranger, someone you have never met, should not make you a priority. Likewise, you should avoid making complete strangers a priority in your life and avoid giving them power over how you feel about yourself. Have other interests, stay focused on the things that keep you balanced and dabble in dating to get to know people, not as a way to test your self worth.

May 20, 2022

11 minutes ago, basil67 said:

You're unlikely to find someone who chases, but what about a woman who simply matches your enthusiasm?

Sure, but enthusiasm can be faked. I’m not trying to split hairs. But, what I mean is that she puts in as much effort.

May 20, 2022

14 minutes ago, Kamille said:

Or, you could balance how much time you put into it and avoid getting emotionally invested until you meet someone.

Honestly, I was always shocked when men got mad at me on dating applications for not responding, or not responding fast enough, or not living up to some kind of test they had set up.

A complete stranger, someone you have never met, should not make you a priority. Likewise, you should avoid making complete strangers a priority in your life and avoid giving them power over how you feel about yourself. Have other interests, stay focused on the things that keep you balanced and dabble in dating to get to know people, not as a way to test your self worth.

I have a hard time faking enthusiasm. If I like someone, I put effort into it. And for there to be effort, I have to be engaged on some emotional level. Otherwise it might as well be a conversation with a fellow passenger on a bus. It’s not about self-worth and more about what I want in a partner. I used to put a lot, expecting to get back a lot. But I don’t do that anymore because it’s not worth it.

May 20, 2022

With the exception of scammers, why would someone fake enthusiasm?

Edited May 20, 2022 by basil67

May 20, 2022

25 minutes ago, Logo said:

I think the best strategy with online dating is to lay low, and wait until someone chases after me and consistently over a few days shows great interest. If I like her, I’ll stick with it.

Maybe you're not ready to date if you feel sitting back waiting for "the chase" will lead to anything worthwhile.

May 20, 2022

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Maybe you're not ready to date if you feel sitting back waiting for "the chase" will lead to anything worthwhile.

Maybe, but online dating is draining and exhausting. It’s not even fun like meeting someone in real life and speaking face to face. At least in real life a woman will excuse herself by saying she’s going to the restrooms haha.

Just as an experiment, I urge you to try it. I would be curious to hear your feedback.

Edited May 20, 2022 by Logo

May 20, 2022

7 minutes ago, basil67 said:

With the exception of scammers, why would someone fake enthusiasm?

That’s what lovebombing is all about. No? It exists on dating apps too. They go from “Oh my god, you’re awesome!” to ghosting.

May 20, 2022

10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Maybe you're not ready to date if you feel sitting back waiting for "the chase" will lead to anything worthwhile.

A cheetah hunting, can exert so much energy in one chase, that it cannot do it again for hours or a day.

A person fishing, can leave the bait in the water attached to a fishing pole and go about his business, coming back only to check the bait.

May 20, 2022

13 minutes ago, Logo said:

I have a hard time faking enthusiasm. If I like someone, I put effort into it. And for there to be effort, I have to be engaged on some emotional level. Otherwise it might as well be a conversation with a fellow passenger on a bus. It’s not about self-worth and more about what I want in a partner.

Nah , no need to fake enthusiasm , sounds like you weren't being selective enough, see that a lot. Right person and you enjoy it, until you don't , or it fizzles. And your right only bother with those that sound like they might be what you want in a partner.

May 21, 2022

1 hour ago, chillii said:

Right person and you enjoy it

You're right. It flows. It feels natural. I forget that sometimes.

May 21, 2022

38 minutes ago, Logo said:

You're right. It flows. It feels natural. I forget that sometimes.

What online systems are you using?

May 21, 2022

2 hours ago, Kamille said:

Honestly, I was always shocked when men got mad at me on dating applications for not responding, or not responding fast enough, or not living up to some kind of test they had set up.

I think you're reading too much into my comments. I'm not mad. I'm just .........I dunno, disappointed maybe? I do think it's rude not to respond. Why start a conversation with no intention of responding? And if you're not interested after a few days of exchanging long messages, I think it's only courteous to say something polite and bow out. The 'not responding in time' and 'not living up to some test' is something else entirely.

At the end of the day, dating culture, online, or offline, is also a reflection on the society a person lives in. Some societies are more polite than others, some societies place higher value on manners and behavior than material things or appearances. But I digress.

Edited May 21, 2022 by Logo

May 21, 2022

3 hours ago, Logo said:

I have a hard time faking enthusiasm. If I like someone, I put effort into it. And for there to be effort, I have to be engaged on some emotional level. Otherwise it might as well be a conversation with a fellow passenger on a bus. It’s not about self-worth and more about what I want in a partner. I used to put a lot, expecting to get back a lot. But I don’t do that anymore because it’s not worth it.

Do you really like women you've never met? How?

It sounds to me like you're trying to justify being upset at on-line dating. I hear that you're suffering. You don't want to change, at the cost of imagining that there is something morally wrong with people who don't answer messages on OLD.

My point is: not everyone on OLD is making it the priority, investment, or feel like it's an effort the same way you do. When I was on OLD, it was not my priority. Dating was not my priority. It was one of the many things I did in my life. As far as I could tell, that was the majority of people I met online. Then there were a few who were... Overly focused on it and expecting everyone else to have the same investment they did.

Let me use an analogy: some people are elite runners, some people are weekend joggers, some people register to runs and walk them. People have different investments in the sport, for various reasons. You would not expect everyone to grant running the same importance. It's the same with dating. Not everyone is going to prioritize it the way you do, invest emotionally before meeting the way you do, focus on it the way you do. For many people, it's just an app they check once in awhile, a way among others to meet people, something they do on their down time, in between work-commitments, family events, emergencies, dinners with friends and, yes, other dates, met through apps or elsewhere.

May 21, 2022

5 hours ago, Kamille said:

Do you really like women you've never met? How?

By the same token I could ask you why do you decide to meet anyone if you don't like them on some level in the first place? Why? Do you go out for an in-person meeting with anyone you "meet" online?

5 hours ago, Kamille said:

It sounds to me like you're trying to justify being upset at on-line dating.

You can infer whatever you want. Why would I want to try and justify anything? I don't owe anyone anything.

5 hours ago, Kamille said:

You don't want to change, at the cost of imagining that there is something morally wrong with people who don't answer messages on OLD.

I think you're using "at the cost" the wrong way in that sentence. It changes the meaning of what you're trying to say, so I'm not sure what you're actually saying. Maybe you can rephrase it.

Incidentally, there IS something morally wrong with people who don't answer messages anywhere, not just on OLD. Ignoring other human beings, anywhere, is rude, unless they are shouting profanities or insults.

And change what exactly? Perhaps you and I just have different standards and expectations. And that's ok.

5 hours ago, Kamille said:

Not everyone is going to prioritize it the way you do, invest emotionally before meeting the way you do, focus on it the way you do. For many people, it's just an app they check once in awhile, a way among others to meet people, something they do on their down time, in between work-commitments, family events, emergencies, dinners with friends and, yes, other dates, met through apps or elsewhere.

Okay. So it's JUST an app that people dabble in once in a while, much like solitaire. I'm sure you don't see the contradiction in what you're trying to refute and what you're saying and my chief complaint.

And what makes you think that I prioritize it over everything else? I felt like coming on here and asking my question, because I find people on dating apps to be flaky. And that's the way I feel.

This is veering off topic [ ]

Edited May 21, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
civility

May 21, 2022

3 hours ago, Kamille said:

Do you really like women you've never met? How?

It sounds to me like you're trying to justify being upset at on-line dating. I hear that you're suffering. You don't want to change, at the cost of imagining that there is something morally wrong with people who don't answer messages on OLD.

My point is: not everyone on OLD is making it the priority, investment, or feel like it's an effort the same way you do. When I was on OLD, it was not my priority. Dating was not my priority. It was one of the many things I did in my life. As far as I could tell, that was the majority of people I met online. Then there were a few who were... Overly focused on it and expecting everyone else to have the same investment they did.

Let me use an analogy: some people are elite runners, some people are weekend joggers, some people register to runs and walk them. People have different investments in the sport, for various reasons. You would not expect everyone to grant running the same importance. It's the same with dating. Not everyone is going to prioritize it the way you do, invest emotionally before meeting the way you do, focus on it the way you do. For many people, it's just an app they check once in awhile, a way among others to meet people, something they do on their down time, in between work-commitments, family events, emergencies, dinners with friends and, yes, other dates, met through apps or elsewhere.

yeah for sure, most people use the apps very casually. I stopped taking the apps seriously when I started looking at them as, your status has to be incredibly good to get a quality person to not only notice you, talk to you, and then want to meet you from a phone app. and in a specific way that meets this person's preferences, when most of these people don't care that much about the app and are only using it for an ego boost, or just to try.

May 21, 2022

6 hours ago, Logo said:

if you're not interested after a few days of exchanging long messages, I think it's only courteous to say something polite and bow out.

This is the mistake. A "few days of long messages" shouldn't be happening at all. That's why you're burning out. All you'll attract that way is textbuddies.

OLD apps are for introducing, in order to meet in person. Texting is not dating.

Be proactive. Send a brief message to those who interest you and after a couple of messages suggest meeting for a brief coffee/drink.

Whoever won't meet, unmatch and delete. It's that simple.

So. Message the interesting ones. Those who don't respond, forget. Those who do respond invite them to meet. Those who won't meet, forget.

It's that simple. Keep in mind "online dating" is a misnomer . You're not dating anyone if you don't cut to the chase and meet.

May 21, 2022

13 hours ago, Kamille said:

Honestly, I was always shocked when men got mad at me on dating applications for not responding, or not responding fast enough, or not living up to some kind of test they had set up.

This is actually very important, controlling behavior and anger are huge red flags that should not be ignored. If these traits appear before having even met, imagine the actual relationship…

May 21, 2022

1 hour ago, bene said:

This is actually very important, controlling behavior and anger are huge red flags that should not be ignored. If these traits appear before having even met, imagine the actual relationship…

Their behavior made absolutely no sense to me. Meeting online is easier when the chat is light and fun.

@Logo, I wish you luck. I am not interested in argument about who between the two of us is right or wrong, or whether I am expressing myself correctly. This is an on-line forum. Other posters are also giving you good advice. My point is: stop judging people because they don't approach OLD the same way you do. Hopefully, understanding that not everyone sees it the way you do can help you gain perspective, so that you can find it easier to include OLD in your quest to meet someone.

Edited May 21, 2022 by Kamille

May 21, 2022

I love dating apps. I make a profile, log in, plenty of matches when ai swipe right. Or, on PoF, I'd get plenty of women message me. Sure, a lot I had not interest in, but many I would.

So many guys complain that the app is trash. On PoF, I would pay close attention to their bio, and always include something unique to their profile in an opening message. On Tinder and Bumble, having a decenf bio can often help.

I met the love of my life on Bumble. Prior to her I met my ex-girlfriend on Match. Those two relationships bookended many ONS and an FWB from Tinder and PoF respectively.

On-line dating is a smorgasboard. If having a proper relationship didn't interest me, man, I'd have had a lot of fun on OLD. Alas, I met the most amazing and beautiful woman on Bumble and I've never looked back.

I don't really get why so many people have issues.

May 22, 2022

Funny though. Whenever l read the commenting about something in her profile stuff, which is in every online date thread anywhere and all over any date site go to instructions everywhere. l always think, do women really fall for that one l mean it's everywhere they must see it to even here.

l mean how easy and predictable would it be. Male sans profile for 1 second, picks a line boom. l mean she must get it in every damn email.

Edited May 22, 2022 by chillii

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I don't understand online dating

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